#littlebitsad

I get kinda jealous when I see people partying it up with their friends. It happens but why can't it happen it like that? I've been so unhappy lately because of the fact that I have nothing to do. A good friend of mine told to me to brace myself because this is the calm before the storm, the storm being college. Everyones so busy these days its like there's no time for hanging out with friends. I have a crush on a guy who I really hope something happens. Named Ray. I'm trying to get over JG because the pain still feels raw at times. I feel constantly feel lonely even when I'm with my family. -sigh- When will it be my time? When will it be my time to shine? Being sad is almost second nature. I hope that out of all this crap something will go right. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm a constant overthinker. And tbh. I don't even know what I want. I'm so confused on things. I'm scared of my family knowing if and when I do get a boyfriend. I'm constantly worrying about how things play out. I always play out in my head what will happen. I just want my mind to take a break from all this thinking. It's hurting me. It's making me become a masochist. Things will get better, but when? I'm growing tired. I hate myself. I hate that I'm afraid of commitment. I hate how my standards are set so high barely anyone can reach them. Ray's the second one. And tbh I just want to go to home. I want to go back to Fontana and go into my real room and cry. I'm tired of living in hotel.  I want to live in a home. I want to be happy. There's random bouts of happiness, but its as if they never stay. I want to go home. I want to be happy. I want things to go the right way. I need to stop complaining, but this is the only place where I can turn to to unload all the crap from my mind. I want to leave. I want a boyfriend who I can proudly call mine. I'm tired of feeling like this.