#list25

FIRST FUCKING OFF. THE OPENING OF THE ANIME

this is satomi to kyoji. even in the opening you can SEE it. he doesnt know whats going on, he wants to go away, he wants to chase kyoji down, he wants to leave, he's got these feelings he doesnt know what to do with. hes projecting these puberty-riddled feelings onto kyoji.

plus the usage of "crimson", which is the song by x japan that kyoji sings every single time they go to karaoke and the song that satomi sings until his voice is wrecked all for kyoji.

its ALL ABOUT LOVE AND PROJECTION/MISUNDERSTANDINGS AND TRYING TO SWALLOW YOUR FEELINGS? thinking about crimson from the perspective of this relationship makes me really feel that "i am dyed crimson / and now there's no one left to console me" is painfully about the experience of being young and falling for an older person. you really feel like you cant tell anyone and have been tainted somehow. kyoji leaves satomi for so long, "you'd gone away from me / i felt my heart ache". "i was afraid of following you", afraid of what it would be like to act on the feelings.

back to the opening. this is definitely a metaphor for loss of innocence (WE WILL COME BACK TO THE STRAWBERRY IMAGERY SOON)

the disgust to anger range on kyojis car. really that represents satomi in the current year the story takes place. you feel disgusted and angry that you have these feelings and like this guy because hes a fucking weirdo for trying to hang out with this KID but you dont want to be seen as a kid either. i just really liked that it was only these two emotions.

you learn this REALLY late but i think i need to bring it up now that kyoji experienced something so similar. this is when it clicked hard for me that this is cyclical, this is what kyoji knows, this is what hes doing to satomi because he relates to him. hes trying to not do it but because its all he knows hes still taking similar steps. these panels back to back blew my fucking mindddddddddd

(and then in famires you get this panel)

like, yes, kyoji is 20 there, but its crazy that he also was approached by an older man and accepted the proposal so easily. just like satomi. and 1000000% this is influenced by the fact that they have an extremely similar upbringing. AND THE UPBRINGING IS JUST THAT THEYRE "NORMAL"!!!!!!!! THEYRE TRYING TO BE NORMAL AND HAVE AVERAGE LIVES ok i wont continue to capslock but i am YELLING this part: they have normal, average lives. nothing special. their parents are well-meaning but a little careless. they are missing "something" in their lives and whether they know it or not are seeking it out. thats why they get in the car. kyoji accepts it extremely easily, while satomi is young enough to think its really weird and bad but still does it.

you can tell kyoji is parroting his life to satomi because thats all he knows. thats WHY HE BRINGS UP BEING A SUGAR DADDY FOR HIM BECAUSE IT WAS NORMAL FOR HIM HE HAD SUGAR MAMAS. BUT SATOMI HAS ENOUGH RESISTANCE TO REJECT IT

ok. so we've established that this is about cycles right? kyoji gets picked up by an older man (and even drags him into the yakuza), satomi gets picked up by kyoji but because kyoji had his experiences satomi will be kept at somewhat arms length (we will circle back to this proof if you havent read/watched), i am put into the cycle as the reader for relating to and understanding what satomi is going through and enjoying the dynamic, etc.

lets talk about this panel.

1) "i dont even wanna go strawberry picking (because its childish)!" "hop in then". kyojis giving him this "i see you as more than a kid" opening and satomi takes it because he wants to be taken seriously. hes stressed about his own life and kyojis a great way to misdirect his feelings from "im growing up, i cant sing anymore, i have exams, i feel too childish, im embarrassed" to "oh fuck please dont let the yakuza kill me" and its soothing!!! and anxiety inducing!!!!!!!! "ive been kidnapped" even though he didnt have to get into the car AT ALL because he doesnt know how to handle the fact hes taking the actions

2) i love satomis body language in kyojis car. he is always trying to minimize himself. hes always trying to soothe himself by holding onto his belongings or his arm. he never lets himself take up any space in the car so he can run away at any point. you can just tell he KNOWS its wrong (he even tries to hide from people his age so no one sees them together). very unhealthy relationship emotion, very gay emotion

the strawberries. the strawberries. can we talk about the strawberries.

its the first gift from him. its the "sugar daddy" payment. satomi has no clue what emotion it brings and i dont think theres a good way to describe it, ever. guilt, disgust, happiness, love. its so much that he cant even think when he sees it. hes immediately hiding it from his parents like its something obscene. its strawberries. but theyre from a man 20 years older than him and he likes them. if his parents knew theyd tell him to stop associating with kyoji but as we already know, satomi is "dyed crimson" already. how could anyone understand what he did and how he feels. what would they think?? you cant just tell people even if you want to run from him sometimes.

btw kyoji shielding him from blood trying to protect his innocence without fully realizing its way beyond that point and that is entirely his fault. at least he can do this much despite already changing him forever.

then theres these. Their argument where satomi blows up at him because kyoji isnt taking his worries (that he doesnt even really know about) seriously

first of all: this shit is fucking funny lmao

also, explicit confirmation that kyoji is a way for satomi to misdirect his own stress into something... somehow more manageable for him, because he likes kyoji and its exciting but annoying too. its social. then we can see kyoji can handle his childish outbursts really well. he understands hes still young and doesnt chide him or get hurt by it, just takes it in stride, which is kind of exactly what satomi needs. taking the Ah, youth. approach. i really like that about him

heres where you can really see that kyoji keeps him at arms length (and then he confirms it later in this second page)

he wants to be with satomi but knows its weird. he lets satomi make the first move. which im going to assume is NOT how he was treated. kyoji probably thinks its "better" like this, to not move first, to not chase him, to just be there when satomi needs him now that hes helped with his singing. but obviously thats just going to make satomis feelings about him more intense, confused, and difficult to wade through.

Now we can finally talk about the famires pages i wanna discuss. as of writing this satomi has still not given kyoji his tattoo removal gift but has acknowledged he likes kyoji. we gotta talk about the hug

hes gay. hes in love. theres actually nothing to talk about i lied because this is blatant. this is how a confused 18 y/o would try to figure out if hes gay or not. not pictured is satomi thinking he was disgusting for hugging kyoji and kyoji just being mildly surprised at the hug. yes satomi you are lonely, yes satomi you like him, yes satomi the anon answer that told you to stay away from old men was correct.

and this sequence my god. hes gay.

HES A DOG ON A LEAAAAASSSSSHHHHH. he doesnt want false hope that he can be with kyoji!!! im literally having to pick my images so carefully because im hitting the limit so not pictured is kyoji saying he will stay as long as satomi needs him!!!!!!!! he will bow out if satomi wants it. but he wants to stay. hes stuck too with the man who propositioned HIM. its a fucking CHAIN ALL THE WAY DOWN. THEYRE ALL PART OF THE CHAIN. he wants to get away from kyoji but keeps running to him its disgusting and wrong and bad but exciting and comforting.

ok final page: this is horrible but sweet. satomis little smile thinking about how hes finally accepting his feelings for kyoji and getting this roundabout acceptance from his peers. hes not a freak, hes not gross. they dont know he had these feelings since he was in middle school but they dont need to know. theyre happy for him that he has someone he loves so much.

im really interested in seeing where this goes because what is kyoji even going to do? there are a lot of paths we could take. satomi being rejected romantically, satomi being accepted romantically and being happy together, satomi being accepted romantically but realizing this is Bad, satomi never fully admitting his feelings to kyoji and just holding onto them forever... im going to be disgusted but cheering if they get together. i dont want it. but i want it because the dynamic of the characters is interesting. they deserve the happiness of a broken cycle. they deserve the happiness of an unhealthy and gross love that makes their skin crawl in the middle of the day. i love a story that gives me that revolting but exciting emotion and i think this was such a nice way to represent this dynamic. ive been writing this for hours trying to find ways to convey my feelings on them within the limits of a post. i can really understand satomi and kyoji both and i ALSO think it was very smart to write them as having extremely average lives. you do not need to be troubled to experience this kind of terrible power dynamic