#liquid.ace

Totally reasonable question! And I’ll answer this with the obvious caveat that this is going be elicit a different answer from all ace smut writers (and, as evidenced by the collection of them in my liquid.ace tag, there’s a lot of them).

First and foremost, I identify as queer — and I’ve always felt very removed from ideas of gender and sexuality. So it being “sex between men” isn’t entirely separate from me, as someone who does really…. Perceive gender a whole lot. I do typically prefer smut between men because it makes it easier to distance myself (someone who functionally moves through the world as a woman); it creates an entire fantasy that exists wholly away from how I perceive myself. To quote my irl bestie: LEAVE MY PUSSY OUT THIS.

As far as the smut— you’ll notice I write significantly more kink than I do traditional sex. That’s because I find it to be a really unique means of character and relational dynamic analysis. It’s interesting to me to pose the question of like…. If I shoved these two characters into one of the most intimate and vulnerable scenarios right now, how would they react? What would change between them? What would stay the same? How does it affect their dynamic in and out of the bedroom?

In fact, my approach to smut made it really hard to write smut in the context of a broader story; I knew how to write a pwp one shot, but didn’t understand how to integrate it into a “normal story”. I had a hard time understand how non-asexuals move between sex and not sex lol

There’s a lot of emotions and traits that can be best explored through high endorphin situations, which lends itself well to writing smut. That’s also why you’ll notice I tend to write smut from a more… sensory point of view rather than explaining the exact mechanics. I care less about how fast Oscar’s fucking lando and more about how they got there, what it’s doing to them, how they’re reacting, how they’re not reacting, etc..

(original ask)

In the broadest terms, QPRs (queer platonic relationships) are a type of committed, non-romantic relationship that comes from the asexual/aromantic community.

I recently saw someone call a QPR “the non-binary of relationships”, which I thought was genius. Like being non-binary, each individual experience with a QPR can vary.

Some people in QPRs may cuddle, hold hands, etc., and some may not. To an outsider, a QPR may look like a traditional romantic relationship, or it may look like two extremely close friends who plan their lives around one another. People in QPRs may get married (especially considering things like access during medical emergencies), they may buy a house together and sleep in separate beds — or they may not! Like much of the queer experience, it’s nebulous and difficult to stick a pin in. It’s entirely up to the people within the QPR to define what feels right for them.

saw this and thought of you

omg yeah it’s always ok to ask me these sorts of things, especially so politely!

Some key context before I share some high level advice: my bf and I were best friends for about seven months before we started dating (on my terms, basically). My only other relationship had been very uncomfortable for me, both physically and emotionally, so I had come to terms with the fact that romantic intimacy was not For Me (I have incredibly deeply and fulfilling platonic loves, which were more than enough for me!). And yet he got my ass via slow burn ….

To your first question: I “came out” to him when he asked me out shortly after we met. He invited me to ice cream > I asked if he meant as friends or as a date > he said “date” > I sent a brief message explaining that — as an asexual person — I didn’t have any interest in dating, and apologized if I accidentally lead him to believe otherwise. He replied with a really heartfelt message about how he has multiple ace friends and understands the way we’re often mistreated by non-ace people, and would love to go out as friends — especially since our conversation was soooooooo easy and fun.

As someone who truly never intended to date, nor really wanted to, I’m not sure how useful my advice will be. But some general thoughts are:

Really get in touch with what your brand of ace means to you. What do you want out of a relationship, in an ideal world, and what things are you Really Uncomfortable with? Also accept that these things may change as you move from the theoretical to practical, so keep checking in!

Come out early. There’s no need to waste your time with someone who doesn’t understand (or try to learn about!) you!!!! You deserve care!!!

Lots of queer people are on the ace spectrum and either don’t realize it or lack the vocabulary to explain it. My bf realized he’s in the spectrum (though muuuuch less than I am) after learning about my identity — he just never realized why sex didn’t “work” for him in the past

You aren’t broken. I felt like a terrible person for struggling in my first relationship, like I was missing a fundamental part of the human experience. Every interaction, sexual or otherwise, felt alien and twinged like too-small shoes. But my boyfriend connects with me so easily and makes me feel so safe, it’s made me appreciate the unique parts of my mind and identity; you don’t have to settle for anything just because you’re ace!!

Try and meet people irl, like in hobby or community spaces. Online dating always confused me because I didn’t understand how you could meet someone with the intent of getting together and just…… do it. How was I meant to fall for them if all we did was under the pretense of “wow I hope we start dating in the end” as the expectation squashed everything else, I guess. I couldn’t feel those romantic feelings off the bat, I couldn’t be vulnerable enough to let them see the lame parts of me. Meeting someone in person, taking the time to be friends first, really made a difference in letting all of my barriers down ((which I would imagine is a common ace experience, since being ace in an aro world can kind of make you…… Defensive)).

hmmmm I don’t think I really feel a lot of physical attraction, no. That said, I think I’d theoretically like making out with the right person and in the right situation. The reality is a bit complex, since usually I get anxious because making out feels like a precursor to sex, which I don’t want lmaooooooo ((thank u @ my ex))

I’m inclined to agree that there’s a difference between sexual attraction and sexual arousal; arousal is pretty damn physiological, which means some people experience it entirely separately from the psychological aspects. I’ve heard a decent number of ace people that fall into that spectrum — they enjoy the sensation of being turned on, but it’s not really about a specific person or fantasy.

cuz like I’ve kinda realized with my last few crushes that I tend to see them more in a “let’s be best friends and gossip with eo about the people in the restaurant that were sitting in” way than a “ur so cute I could kiss u” way? like idk if that’s how crushes are supposed to be or what but yeah I’ve just kinda realized that my line btwn “besties!” and “I kinda like u!” is lowk blurry

Not a boundary at all!! When it comes to gender, sexuality, or general life experiences, I don’t think any well-intentioned question could ever offend me 🙂‍↕️💖

This question is a bit difficult, because I’m SO asexual. It was less about realizing that I was asexual, and more about realizing that people weren’t joking when it came to having/wanting/thinking about sex frequently. They were things that I logically understood happened, but I assumed that it was grossly overstated by media as like… some sort of mass-scale Flanderization. When I got to high school and somehow put the pieces together, I came to the logical conclusion that I — someone who had had one (1) fleeting crush ever — was ace.

My being ace also never felt unnatural, because it was compounded by the fact that no one expressed romantic or sexual interest in me during my teens/early 20s. It’s difficult to notice the lack of some thing when it never felt like it applied to you in the first place, you know?

As for your specific feelings, it’s important to remember that there’s no right or wrong way to have a sexuality. If you identify as being on the ace/aro spectrum because the way you experience those emotions feels more platonically driven than romantic/sexual, that’s totally fine! And if choosing a label now feels overwhelming, that’s equally fine! And if the label you choose now is not one that you keep forever, that’s perfectly normal!

From what I’ve heard from other people on the spectrum, there does seem to be a bit of grayness between platonic and romantic feelings, since the physical urges aren’t quite as… strong.

Hmmmmm I’ve been sitting with this for a few days because, while I’ve talked a decent amount about writing smut as an asexual person, bringing in aromanticism adds a new layer that I’ve not tried to articulate before. I’ll try and find the words to my personal experience as someone who’s 10000% ace and probably vaguely on the aromantic spectrum :)

Aromantics Know Love/Avoiding Defamiliarization

There are so many types of love in the world, and all of us process them differently. Personally, I find platonic love to be so deeply fulfilling that it’s the basis for how I attempt to write romance. And honestly, that’s perfectly fine! Because the influences in my writing will not always translate the same way to a non-aromantic reader — and that’s because so much of love, regardless of type, is universal.

I tend to focus on what makes a character feel seen, appreciated, and understood. And that’s because — to me — the most beautiful thing in a relationship is the unspoken trust that they think about me when I’m gone, that they know me enough to a restaurant on their commute and go “oh! Liquid would love that!”, that they keep my favorite type of tea in their apartment because they know I always want some when I come over. That’s what love is to me. And those things, when written in a context that your reader is primed to view as romantic, will likely come across as romantic affection.

The fact that you’ve slapped ROMANCE across the tin does a lot of heavy lifting when it comes to translating platonic/familial love-inspired writing to romantic love lol.

It can be easy for asexuals and aromantics to view the things in romance as unrelatable and foreign, to defamiliarize them. And I get why! A lot of romance and sex messaging isn’t geared towards us. But a way to overcome this is to try and tap into your version of those feelings, to break down the challenge into building blocks like I did above (what makes me feel my version of love? What shows that? How can I put that in a narrative?).

Take Inspiration from Media

Not all writing needs to come from within, honestly.

Sometimes — and idk about how this works for other ace/aro ppl — I can get completely immersed in the romance of a movie/book/show to the point where I’m like “oh my god I want that!!!!!!!!”, despite it not being… in my cards. And there are times where those are the moments that inspire me to write romance, trying to recreate the feelings of being sold on a total and complete fantasy happening to someone else.

I think this approach, depending on what sort of story you’re writing (character driven vs plot driven) can require a pretty high degree of empathy, or at least a lot of time spent pondering theoretical emotions, but it’s definitely possible!