#lin rambles

I don’t know why, but for a bit now I’ve been having sort of an imposter syndrome (?), I don’t know if it’s even the right thing for it. Basically, every time I publish an update, I’m happy—like, super happy—but then weeks go by… and basically every time like, 3+ weeks go by, I start getting the more or less subtle questions about ‘when is the next update?’ or ‘how is the writing going?’ and I’m just ashamed to say for example, that I have not even started to write a chapter, or that I’m still on the first scene in some chapter. That I have no idea when will the next update be, or that I didn’t write anything in the last 2 weeks.

Realistically I know I can take all the time I want—there’s no rush, after all—but there’s still this heavy, nauseating feeling of shame all the time. Like a little voice telling me it’s not fair to keep people waiting, or that I could really post monthly updates if I only forced myself to, or prioritised it over things like mindless scrolling of tiktok, reading fanfics, or watching shows. I can’t even say I’m taking ‘inspiration’ because majority of the time I’m just doing anything but what I should be doing.

And I see others updating often, or pushing out so much quality content, dropping long game updates, and yeah I’m comparing myself and my work to them. Yes, I’m aware everyone’s writing pace is different, short updates are just as good as big ones, and I don’t have to constantly drop a lot of content on Tumblr. I’m frustrated because I know this, but it’s still there. 

I also don’t feel like part of the community a lot of the time, I don’t know why. I just feel like I’m watching everything from the sidelines, just sometimes pitching in but most of the time I’m just a passive observer that’s not really in it, if that makes sense. It’s something I struggle with in general, in offline-friend groups and communities etc., idk honestly.

I’ve had low-mental health days more often that good ones for the past 1-2 weeks, and Pride honestly… kind of just amplified it, because I can’t be open or I won’t have a job. I just won’t, there’s little to no chances that I’d be hired if I was out. I can’t be open or I will be assaulted—even if I just walk with a friend, holding their hand, we’re getting looks. After going to Pride, literally not even an hour later, a group of boys (and I mean boys, 10-18 years old) burst into an establishment I and others from Pride were in, started screaming slurs and derogatory things about queer people, and burned a pride flag. Security was there, didn’t do anything. No one did anything, honestly, because everyone kind of just didn’t want to be targeted next. I’m tired also of arguing that my sexuality, romantic attraction etc. are valid, or people from my own community misgendering me. 

Basically, a lot of things just… accumulated in the past weeks and so I think I’ll be taking a small break from posting content Tumblr, just to recharge, focus on finishing the university (only a month to go thankfully) and hopefully finishing one of the chapters. I’ll still probably pop in to check or shit-post sometimes, but yeah.