I will not be defeated but I am deeply saddened…& just disappointed…I would like to give up on this part of my life or the ppl in it like they have given up on me….& see where that takes me….it feels like there is nothing left for me here and I’ve been saying that for years….im never the person to believe people won’t change or can’t but it’s not about them it’s about me and what I need and want and will and will not tolerate.

A lot of ppl say they care but they care in the way they want to and not the way that I need them to. But they still expect that I do for them what they would not and do not do for me. I find that to be one of the oddest experiences especially when it’s someone you care deeply for. you come to the realization that they care but it’s very half assed in comparison to how they treat ppl they want to help vs the ppl they feel shame if they don’t help or they have or feel some type of obligation to them…and when you bring up how you feel about it they act like the nice things they do should override your feelings about what they do not do… its like talking to a brick wall….it’s frustrating. Bc I am not talking about those things they are not the issue…if you were actually actively listening to fix something, you’d know.

Everything still hurts more than I thought it ever would but I move through it now and it does not hold me back but it burns more than anything ever has….its a constant grief even when I am happy I am still in pain about it and it never goes away.

Have enough courage and confidence to trust yourself to get you to where you want to be. Trust in your ability to get the job done. You have done it before so why wouldn’t you be able to do it now? Trust in yourself & be confident in the trust that you have for yourself.

I just want to get a bottle w someone sit somewhere open and just look at the stars and talk for a while….

Kinda miss asking ppl if they want to be friends like I did at the playground.

I took the train todayyyy it was a pretty long commute. I’m so proud of myself idgaf if it sounds crazy. I hate riding anything metro related bc of my back and some nerve issues in my leg. But today I said FUCK THAT today and I did and I’m proud you did that baby girl good for you.

Even if I am in survival mode next year I can still enjoy life more.