#lil 6

Thank you for sticking out with me for so long. I want you to know, don’t be sad. It was all worth it in the end, wasn’t it? We still have each other, and even if we won’t talk we won’t forget about one another. I thank you for everything you have ever done for me, it means so much. You helped me in so many ways you’re like a goddess to me, almost, haha. Exception is, I know you’re real. I will do what you wish I would do, and I promise you I’ll try not to fall so deep down again. I promise your hard work will be payed off, Dee. 

I promise you it wasn’t a wasted effort. 

You and I aren’t that far away from each other. It’s interesting how we can share similar mind, yet be different. Well, I can say it got much better to the end. I worry you not, I do seem to overcome my self hatred. I no longer despite me, I ignore me. I ignore insults i say to myself. I ignore the screaming and yelling voices of fault. I ignore everything that tried to choke me for who I am. It’s like pollum. To someone it’s nothing and someone can even die from it. I don’t want people to worry about me so much, because even that hurts people. Kills them slowly, like a pair of thorns on a flower. Yet you still grasp it, without giving up to some pain, to some blood and even to some poison. But something is different from flowers and us.

Flowers are silent, people are not. Yet flowers can bloom and shine and make your day better. We should learn from flowers and do the same. But we should add some words to it. Silence isn’t the best by itself. I grew up in it so I can tell. Occasionally it’s nice but to always hear it, it’s terrifying. Let’s keep the nice words exchanging and lighting up our days. 2017 was year of productivity, 2018 will be nicer to us. It offers peace and calm times. To slow everything again. To maintain balance once again. 

Do you think flowers can understand their caretakers? I believe they can. People usually dismiss stuff like this the same way they dismiss talking to your pets and building relationship with them, but I feel the other way. Is it wrong? Probably isn’t. It’s my opinion, that can change over time. And so can people.

I also did noticed. And i can assure your hard work will pay off. I’ll try my best to keep you happy too. 

Did I ever told you I always wondered how you look like? 

I got my answers to my questions and I know well that you should be proud of yourself. You seem like a dandelion to me, but in the summer, when it’s blooming. That yellow dandelion that shines in every way possible. These flowers even leaves a bit of themselves when u brush off on them. I believe there are many times of pollum. This one is the best one you can get. And yes, i know people find dandelions and their pollum annoying, but those people forgot how to enjoy things. They are everywhere to shine and be bright, not to ruin days. They are useless to somebody but precious to others, like any other flower. I am impressed by you too, and I don’t want you to stop.

Keep on kicking my dear lovely friend. The best one i could’ve ever get or, well, meet. 

I understand that time of day and such feeling. I once imagined how it would be like to never get tired? How? I can never know, words like these coming from a person who got forever stuck in this neverending tiredness. It was my fault and I have to bear with it. I know the feeling when the yellow lights become smugged and i know the feeling when my entire visions becomes blurry. Unfocused. Not my vision, but my mind. I don’t want to concentrate and listen, i just want to go and wander, ponder. This world doesn’t allow me to do so. Not so often and not without consequences.

 I don’t have a balcony, but I do have a window. It’s full of plants, which are welcoming me and greeting me everytime I get close to the window. They protect me. I watch from the window and I stare into the dark cold night. Nothing else except blurred street lights. I wish it was raining so I could open the window and listen. But not today. 

I miss living in the city. I could watch neighbours when they go to sleep, who stays the most long awake, when do all the lights go out. Here, in the middle of nowhere, there’s just me and my window, the only look to the world i get. I wish i could sleep and never wake up. Just ponder, wander never return. I’m tired and I’ve never felt this tired before. Yet I am not giving up yet. I rather wait for someone to take my life then do it by myself. You see, These times we get some time to write each other i can actually wander and ponder. I like it and I’m grateful for times like these. I hope I can never forget them.

I want to go outside, I want to lay on the grass and let the night consume me.

My fear of dark pulls me back and my paranoia chokes me again. 

The world is too dangerous for me to ponder and wander this much.

I just want to rest for a while. 

Six is a wonderful number that has never been linked with hell, nor it’s meaning should be demonic. For example number 42 or simply 4 is worse. Number 4 is usually linked with death and in Japan they try to avoid it as much as they can. I like 6 too because it’s, well… very recognizable. You turn six upside down and you get 9. It’s like a whole personality in a number… even though it doesn’t look like it. Did you also ever wonder what your birth number is? I did.

I once tried to decipher it and it was number 4. How unlucky.

But my favourite number would be 3. Everything in my life goes by number 3. Our planet is third. Ostrava is third biggest city in Ostrava. The third time I was in London was the best time i ever had. I always seem to have three options. And I always see reality in three different ways. Three. 

I don’t have any favourite movie linked with 3 though, so i kinda envy you, haha. 

Thank you for your dear message and explanation. I kind of wondered too why did you decided to call yourself “6″. Well I didn’t mind. People always have their reasons why choose something like a number to refer to themselves. Just like you did.

Huh. I feel like this has been here for a long time, yet i found it just few moments ago. Tumblr should do something with its inbox messages thingy.

You know well I am not exactly good at answering with very good compliments when i’m complimented (because i get always flustered and can’t collect my thoughts) but what I feel from this message is like an urge to see. See what? See something. Not exactly sure. I can’t see into your mind. I have my opinions but I won’t say them aloud. Not when I am sure they were correct.

It would be nice to see each other. Not by camera, not by pictures, not by film. Just be able to stand right in front of each other. It would be a completely different feeling. Meeting someone I know well, yet I don’t. It’s kind of sad and bitter. I want to see how you feel and hear how you are doing, but this time it would be different. I would be able to see how you really are. Who you really are.

It’s almost Christmas… How time flies. How i wish that time may once come true. I still wish for it.

I hope it will happen one day. 

There are so many years, months, weeks, days when that opportunity can happen. Just imagining it makes my head spin. Infinite choices, and events that come out of nowhere to make boring life seem less boring.

I am kinda trying to spill my mind into words, and honestly… I’m not really good at it. But I hope you get the message I’m trying to send across. I know I don’t make sense half the time, but I know how important person you are, not for me but for everyone. 

I am grateful for all you did and I don’t want to see you down. I don’t want to see you sad or worried and calling out for help even though you know no one will be coming. I may be exaggerating, but you know what I mean.

I hope you stay well, my friend. I am so sorry for answering you so late. Please, enjoy the holidays as much you can and i hope i can hear from you once again.

It almost seems that way. That if you want to be an artist you have to go through a lot. You have to suffer and live through horrors. To be underappreciated and people will start noticing your works after you passed away with the world showing it’s back at you. I am happy you saw through it. You are indeed right about your statement that wretched and art made from happiness have the same value. You don’t have to suffer to create art. Art is a form of expression. Some people will agree with it, some won’t. But it’s still an expression no matter how you look at it.

I believe people can become an artist if they put enough everything into it. Not only effort and time but also the heart. Art is a form of self-reflecting if you’re the one doing it. Art tells us about you. Art shows who you are as a person. It’s what you create and what you piece together. With your skill and your ideas. It’s your work. 

Art isn’t only the one with pictures. Art has many ways. Writing, speaking and many more. It can be visual, it doesn’t have to be visual. The purpose of art is making you think about it, study it. It’s part of a culture for a reason. Not everything is what is seems, and every work has its own story. They don’t have to be complicated stories, even short ones can be the most telling and mindblowing. I, because i practice it, see the most precious one writing and drawing. Because i have many experiences with it. But others have different opinions on it. And it’s okay because as said, art has many forms. 

As i said earlier in the text, what comes from you reflects you. Reflects your personality. It’s a piece of you. So even short letters fall under this. They do. They are important and beautiful. They express who you are, almost like they’re part of you. It’s complicated i know, but once you practice it and look more into it, it’s almost very clear. It never is boring. You need stuff too to practice it of course, tools, inspiration and right moods. But when you succeed, it’s all fulfilled. You did the best you could. You tried. It’s maybe not perfect yet, but one day it will. 

All you need is to believe in your skill and practice it. To take a handle of it. Be able to express it right. It’s lot of work, but in the end, it should pay out. Especially in this time era. 

I hope my little speech wasn’t well, useless. I tried my best to express it as best as i could, but I still feel like it’s…incomplete. That’s maybe because I’m not perfect at writing letters too. I’m still learning and so are you. But i hope i, well, answered what i could. It all just takes time. Sometimes little, sometimes a lot.