#lifewithadd

listen to music to focus

music is too distracting, take out the headphones

buzzing lights are too irritating, put the headphones back on

Whatever you’re working on or studying (etc, etc), keep a pad of paper and pencil next to you for all those loose ideas(, questions, queries, sidebars, reminders other assignments, follow-ups, ideas, appointments) that come up. So instead of opening up a new tab or jumping onto another project, jot it down for later.

It’s past 2 am and I’m still not tired.

After a full day of classes and projects, writing, lectures, biking and running, friends and beer, studying and textbooks and even some knockout tea - I haven’t started yawning.

I’m not even sure if I slept last night.

Life with ADD is complicated. It’s just not just a lack of focus, its sometimes a lack of direction, spiraling thoughts that you can’t grab hold, I can’t stop moving stop thinking, stop talking.

And I can never stop stressing, because I’m not a great student, and I worry about grades.

And I piss people off because I say the wrong thing, I’m on the wrong side of the line between teasing and mean, I laughed in the wrong place or I didn’t speak when I should have.

And I’m never anywhere on time, so I’m not “dependable.” Even though when I’m at work or doing events I’m so on task and other people are texting, or chatting on the side. And I’m engaging, informed, I can lead and plan and organize. I can, and do, do that at work.

But I’m not “dependable.”

So I get stressed. And I don’t sleep. And I don’t exercise. And I don’t eat. And I don’t talk to people. And I don’t get anything done because I’m so afraid of doing the wrong thing.

I wonder if they could see the panic on my face.

I’ve had a rough few weeks, but I’m feeling better.

I went to the gym.

I try to remember to play music. I talked to friends. I said fuck your judgement, I’m graduating in a year. (And I had to let go of a project that’s worth 15% of my grade. It shouldn’t have torn me apart so much, I thought I was ready, but there’s something about writing papers that just makes me freeze up. I knew a lot of the info, but the paper, and a new subject….⛄️)

But I broke down first.

In front of my boss.

Like holy cannoli, can it get much worse?

(It can, but I’ve done that, too)

When my boss left, I tore around the office just breaking down. It’s a small, windowless, I felt amazingly secure.

On the sofa, on the beanbag, on the floor.

It took me a bit to pull myself together.

I punched out my emotions, I kneed my anxieties, I round-housed my stressors and I elbowed my insecurities.

(I ended up doing that again a day or two later. In one of the giant, single person bathrooms. It was the only place I could find, and it was better than the study lounge.)