#lifeofsol

For the first topic, I recently saw Ghost in the Shell. Not the animated movie from the 90s but the 2017 live action adaption. I was ecstatic at first, even with my hesitance surrounding the casting Scarlett Johanssen's performance was good for the "Major". But nonetheless, it was a let down as a live action adaption. It would have been leagues better just being its own GiTS movie. After the viewing, I was torn. Torn between what I love and what I think I love and how I get the things I love to continue loving them. I am an art student in art school. The Art Institutes to be exact. One of those thousands of wayward souls seemingly conned into following their dreams by a for-profit system. Why? Because till about three or four years ago state education didn't support or fund anything game related directly. It was always some rigamarole communications degree that I had to finagle to fit what I wanted it to. Which isn't bad, but the college of communications wasn't going to teach me sculpting or 2D animation solely. I've been in this degree system for collectively four years. I know what I need to continue on. I know what I must learn to excel. After months of doing my finances and seeing that I cannot 

A: Afford to go to school and live in the city in which the school is located without financial assistance.

B: Apply for any more Federal Aid because it effectively ran out - thanks to Full Sail's (the university, I also attended there.) failure logic- last quarter. 

C: Work and Go to school (I already have two jobs in order to refinance my situation. 

The reality of it was, despite all I wanted. What I needed was to stop, I was spending money I didn't have to achieve a dream through means that I didn't need to use. I'm not saying 'Don't go to school!' I'm saying don't waste money on meaningless classes in a system that exploits your thirst for knowledge and equates that hungry mind with a piggy bank. As soon as you are too poor to attend, no one cares about how knowledge hungry you are. So with the lacking funds, the least amount of financial help from the school and my family I have had to decide to withdraw.  Dropping out is so against my style. I feel like I've failed myself no matter how many times I crunch the numbers and see that it is necessary. I tell myself I can go to sleep when I'm between classes. But I can't because I have to speed off to work, to fight the traffic while I'm fighting sleep deprivation to work for too little for too long and do the same thing back home in order to do homework. The main reason I got a second job. To get control of my life back. I'm too busy to enjoy the quiet times I do get. I'm too distracted to see days pass me by. I am too...something to do anything. That is a problem. So, blogging to keep me sane. 

I have a brother, he is in jail. He made a mistake and is paying the price for that mistake. Don't worry, no one died. But if you ask him, he might tell you otherwise. I miss talking with him, he was a font of advice you see. We worked the same job for a time, we needed the cash and we didn't mind working hard. I blame myself, sometimes, for his current state. I moved away and he stayed by himself and was going through some tough times. I couldn't have been any help other than a voice on the phone. Even I know how depressing that is sometimes. Like now, when people ask me to call them and they give me words of encouragement where words will only be words and their actions only thoughts in their heads.  Leaving me the same way by the time I hit 'end call' the same way he did when our conversations ended. Tough reality.  To add some glory to my days, I will be doing an art challenge.  At least one drawing a day for the entire year.  Most likely will all be D&D related or some D20 system. But you never know. I am a traditionally trained artist so my mind and muse sometimes wander...by the end of the year, 365+ designs or full pieces. Hopefully. I can do this. I know I can.