#lifenotdeath

Remember when my family was in a car wreck in February? (Read about it here & here). As I normally do, I was looking for good to come out of that painful situation. Right away a blood clot was discovered in my lung, I was able to start taking blood thinners, and potential catastrophe was prevented. Done. The good was found and I was ready to move on from that story. 

If I talked to you directly about the car wreck, I might have explained the oncoming traffic didn’t have a stop sign but the intersection was a terrible angle that made it near impossible to see an approaching vehicle unless they were already in the intersection. The police and EMT’s who were at the scene of the accident commented many times that it should really be a four way stop. I totally agreed.

Well, a couple days ago, my husband drove through the same intersection again and it’s now a four way stop! I’m so happy. I have to believe our collision played a part in the choice to add stop signs. Our pain has helped make driving in that area better for everyone. That car wreck has accomplished at least two good things that I can easily name.  

Now, I’m trying to apply this to my cancer diagnosis. I’ve been receiving chemo for thirteen months. When chemo day comes, I dread having the chemo pump for the following two days and not being able to rock my daughter to sleep. But, as I normally do, I am looking for good to come out of this painful situation. It might be that sharing my story encourages you. It might be that I’ve been able to pray for others in the infusion center. It might be that I can care for the nurses that are constantly caring for others. It might be that God heals me and His power is shown through that miracle. I’m looking for the good. I’m seeing it in several places and looking to see it in more.

My doctor has refused to administer my last two chemo treatments because I was displaying signs of sickness (sore throat, cough, fever, fatigue) and she didn’t want my weakened immune system compounded with chemo knowing that could lead to worse things. At the same time, my CEA level has been rising. It was over 1000 when I was diagnosed, in July it was down to 82, now it’s back up to 831!

I’ve mentioned before that I’m likely to be starting an immunotherapy clinical trial soon. I’m hopeful that it will not only be good for me, but my participation in the trial will help many others that are fighting cancers similar to mine. Like our car wreck in February has now led to safer, better driving for everyone by the new stop sign being put in, my pain of cancer can lead to more stops— stopping cancer from ending more lives, stopping cancer from causing families grief.  I have to believe my pain can somehow make things better for others.

******** And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8.28

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In other news, I could really use some prayers for my emotions and body. As I shared above, my CEA is rising. I’ll be getting CT scans this afternoon to see if the tumors have grown in correlation with my rising CEA. That is what my doctor expects. 

I’m also still dealing with a sore throat, coughing fits, and fatigue. 

Equally important, my heart is hurting. I’ve made a few friends at chemo, people on the same chemo schedule as me. I see them every other week. We’re going through very similar challenges. One woman just a couple years older than me had a cancer journey very similar to mine. She started experiencing symptoms during pregnancy that were dismissed as things related to pregnancy. A few months after her baby girl was born, she found out she actually had colon cancer that had spread to her liver. She’s been on chemo and other treatments for four years. Early in her care, she transferred from Kaiser to UCSF like I did. We connected. She had no faith or hope for healing. I wanted to stand in the gap for her. I wanted to be like the friends that lowered their friend on a mat through a roof and Jesus healed the man because of his friends’ faith.  

Friday, my friend died. I’m heart broken. Her two children and husband have so much to grieve. Her parents have outlived their daughter. And, my hope for her healing wasn’t fulfilled. It also shakes me some because of the similarities of our stories.

I went to the Facebook page of another person I met at chemo. He had been diagnosed in 2015 with incurable cancer— but was miraculously healed after a year of treatment. He wrote a book and traveled the country sharing his testimony in churches. We met because the cancer had returned and he was receiving chemo with me. I read his book. It gave me hope. He had many videos and quick quotes that would normally lift my spirit. When I went to his page, I found he died in July.

I was looking for encouragement but my sadness was compounded. 

Friends, three or four more years isn’t enough for me. I want 70. Oh, Lord, I am asking my God for a long long life. I struggle to put it out to the world. What if it doesn’t happen? But, what if it does? I go back to Shadrach, Meshack, and Abednego— when faced with a life threatening challenge, they kept a firm hope in God’s rescue plan for them. And they told the king who was threatening them, “we know God will rescue us, but even if He doesn’t…” and they stood firm in faith. They were thrown into a fire, but Jesus was with them, they were protected and miraculously they came out of it without any burns and not even a scorch mark on their clothing!

So here I am, looking at this fiery trial. I know God has the ability to rescue me, to heal me, I believe He will. But even if He doesn’t I’ll still praise only Him. I’m mourning the deaths of my friends. My heart is raw right now. but I’m still going to praise God. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Regardless of the outcome of my situation— there will be some good. Look for it with me. _________________________________________

Two songs that are encouraging me right now:

Good Name by Shad