#lifeness

Thank you!!! ;w;I'm a big Eeveelutions fan too!!!

So as you know, or don't know, I live in an abusive household.

Your first thoughts are, "We've heard THAT one before", or "it's probably not that bad, I mean, look at you", but in all honesty...

It's shit.

Quite literally. I stay in a bedroom with walls lined sticky with feces, sleep on the top bunk above a willfully incontinent old lady, with absolutely no privacy, in a house full of people that either ignore my existence or talk the most crap about it.

"What do you mean by willfully incontine"-- It means she shits herself by choice, Debra. And she never cleans it up.

She does the Brandon Rogers method of "let out a little, let it soak, release, evaporate, then start again from square one".

I wanna vomit just writing this, and hopefully you picture this to.... now, imagine sleeping in this room for every fucking day and night.

Imagine leaving a nice fresh shower with earrings on, lip gloss; looking like a snack, feeling like a goddess, and having that biiiiig self esteem boost you've been needing from feeling like shit all month in a really crappy, (har har,) household.

Then the second you walk into your bedroom, all the flowery scents and body oil and good vibes all evaporate.

And is replaced with WHAT?

The disgusting huge smell of hot turds on a muggy ass summer day, on a person who hasnt showered for months, all collecting in your room with no working fucking windows.

Because not only has she been shitting herself all day.

But you just walked in on her wiping her ass.

And yes..... her crack was facing the door.

What I also hate is when neurotypical people from those healthy picket fence families going "oh wow that sounds not so great!!! You should talk to her abt her behavior since it sounds like it hurts your feelings!!!"

Newsflash, fuckers.

Not every family is like the family from Jane the Virgin or the Brady Bunch; or like Good Luck Charlie, iCarly, or whatever family friendly shows you watch.

My grandmother isn't the "hug it out and apologize, give a motivational and uplifting speech to the whole family, then sing Kumbaya around the camp fire" type.

She's the "I pulled a gun on my own daughter, stole from her, beat her, and neglected her for the majority of her life; then guilted her into bringing me in, and now, i still walk all over her and put up a front when it feels necessary" type.

She's the "lie out of her dentures, since her teeth are destroyed from crack cocaine" type.

She's the "I will fish a turd out of the toilet instead of using a plunger, then put it in a bag and throw it at the back door" type of family member.

Amusing to speak on, disgusting to be around.

The last straw was her assaulting me. Imagine politely asking someone to close a bathroom door when they leave it, (it was a house rule, and basically no one wanted the smell of shit to come into the rest of the house where the kitchen and livingroom is,) and long story short....... she decided to take huge offense.

It's not like I walked up to her and said "You smell like shit, close the bathroom when you leave it"; I'm not that type. I have an actual sense of class in this house..... unlike this bitch.

So of course to sum it up, I asked her if she would mind closing the bathroom door after she leaves it, she hurls insults and jumps to conclusions, makes fucking Mount Kilimanjaro out of the smallest molehill ever, (just like most of my hothead family does, which is why i stay away from them,) aaaand decides the most appropriate call to action is to get all up in my face and try shoving me against a wall as hard as she can.

Fuck that bitch.

What makes it worse?

My family also did nothing.

The night it happened, all hell broke loose. My mom started doing her whole "turn red, shaking, breaking into sweats" thing. Stepdad had to make her lay down since she almost fainted from rage, and the most awkward thing in the world is seeing your mom strip and take her shirt off and her boob popping out her shirt, all since she's trying so damn hard not to fight an elderly bitch right now.

And my younger sibling was crying and in shock, since he heard all the shouting and screaming I did outside of his bedroom.

I felt so bad for him....

To summarize it up, despite all that.... the lectures, the rants, everything.... nothing had happened.

Mom claimed she'd kick her ass out. But less than two weeks later, guess whos back to ignoring me, and laughing in the kitchen with my sister and the same bitch she claimed i would no longer have to live with?

.....

They don't care. At all.

I dress up, they don't care. Dress down, they just talk shit. I can't remember the last decent conversation had with any of these fuckin people where i actually felt like i could let my guard down, seriously.

Gross.

Hell, I recall even just casually smiling and asking my sister, "Oh hey! You in for a visit?", when she spontaneously entered my house one day without warning, and obviously doesn't live here.

But still just snarkily looked away from me and said, "Well, its MY HOUSE too, so...."

"Well, I was JUST ASKING, so....", i retorted.

To sum up family dynamics:

*Older brother - dead to me. Personal reasons, but the one that made me go "fuck this guy" was how whenever he entered the house, I smiled at him and said "Hi! How are you?", and he'd glare at me and walk off without a word...... then once i decide to stop doing it, he bitches and moans to my mom that "im being hostile and not saying hi to him"..... nigga, you are how old now????

*Older sister - disgusts me upon entrance.

Obviously not healthy, but still, youd hate someone too if every time they entered your house, they'd instantly make your mother shade you or hate on you ten times harder.

Rarely ever has effort put in on either side; I stopped trying from her snarkiness, and she easily forgets me, so the best option when she comes around is to stay the fuck away from her and my mom as much as possible.

All they do is shit talk anyways, usually about me, so, I'm missing out on nothing very loving at all.

Stepdad - the physical embodiment of "takes up space for nothing". I know things about him that the family doesnt. An enabler. Abusive to younger sibling. Definitely leaving a negative impact on my younger sibling entirely.

Younger sibling - probably the one i care about; i care less for him the more he acts like his dad by giving the silent treatment or never emoting; or treating me like a freak. But oh well, ill just let fate handle how shit works out.

Grandmother - disgusting.

Mom - stay the hell away from. Dangerous. Easily quick temper. Even saying "thank you", "no problem", "i didnt do that", "please dont send me texts in all caps," and "no" all trigger a reactive explosion out of this character. Gray rocking is the best method. Or being out of the house any time i can.

And then there's me.

Trapped in the same situation for two years straight.

My neglectful parent, who has me sleeping in the muggiest, darkiest, shittiest, (har har, that never gets old does it,) bedroom in the entire house....

Who never listens to me when I talk about my passions, my friendships, or even things I did for the day, and has the irrational and hard-to-predict temper of a goddamned Looney Tunes character, (what's the name of the dude whose big and brown, sharp teeth--TAZMANIAN DEVIL! YEAH, I JUST REMEMBERED,) and never has helped me with jack shit either emotionally or with my struggles...

And also bought three cats, despite me being extremely allergic to them, and KNOWING THIS FROM SEVERAL CHILDHOOD HOSPITAL VISITS AND ALL THE SNEEZING....

Wonders why I don't get active very often. Or why I lack a passion towards things.

I'm realizing... its since I was still afraid of her.

"What if she finds this video of me talking about sex, or relationships ive had, or abusive people ive dealt with, or giving sex advice, or talking about the unusual friendships ive had, making friends online, sex work, sugar daddies, all that?"

I never talk to her about anything in my life. Either she doesnt ask, or she never reacts right.

Cue flashback of her making passive aggressive comments about my stomach or weight in cute clothes, glaring at me when i am getting dressed up, never being happy for me, treating me like shit on graduation day, that time she shouted at me for asking for help making a doctor's appointment, that time she yelled at me for being sexually abused in previous relationships and slandered for it........ yeah, she has no rights here.

So the idea of her or anyone else in my family, or any of the people who all know my extremely popular siblings and family... finding out what i do, was scary.

But its less scary now.

I feel less afraid of people in general.

It's weird how after all these years, and only after turning nineteen.... do I realize NOW that i am less scared of my family.

I've lost fear for ex boyfriends, past abusers, shithead flings, previous high school schmucks, and any teacher ever who had ever treated me like shit. (I made at least two go into an early retirement, and future generations really should thank me for it.)

And its only gotten me till now, to stop giving a fuck what upsets my family and what doesnt. Theyll be pissed if i so much as say HI to them, or if i dont open a door immediately, so if they're pissy hearing me talk about giving head or having amazing times in my life, then....

All i can say is, "You cant be embarrassed, since nobody here knows its about you, and you already had disowned me years ago."

I don't want to write more but....

Hey, even writing this makes me nervous.

I love my younger sibling the most; hes the best family member in this household I know. I care for him always, and hes the one i would love to stay in touch with.

But i cant live my life feeling like a ghost, haunting a house full of people that dont want me there.

If I wanna be Tamiddy, or Tamia, the bomb ass bitch that takes no shit, then I can't live even more years continuously taking shit. (Or, wallowing in it in that gross bedroom of theirs.)

Really hard to become an icon when surrounded by people who want to bring me down.

You know what they say.... You Can't Live in Fear about What's Coming Around the Corner.

If I let fear stop me, then I'd get nowhere.

If I wanna hit the point of abandoning my toxic ass family in order to truly be with loved ones, and fighting for what I believe in with no fear of repercussions other than awesomely standing my ground...

I'd have to not be afraid to abandon my family or speak on what I believe in.

So yes, this is me.

This is your daughter. Your autistic, mildly sex addicted, confident, beautiful, creative, introverted daughter. Being who she is.

And if you're gonna complain that I don't do anything in my life, don't be upset when I do.

Since this is what I like to do.

So my mother is in the hospital now. Got checked in earlier today. They are trying to figure out why she has such a low blood count. I wonder if it’s stress related... but it explains why she was getting winded so easily recently.

I’m okay - my sister is okay - we understand and are preparing for both the best and the worst. That’s what you have to do in this life, but one should always hope and pray for the best in spite of what ‘reality’ tells you.

Do your face mask with honey again, you loved doing those.

Eat some watermelon; it's a very healing fruit, with very healing properties.

Purge your closet of things that are ugly. I can reassure you that if your summer theme is gold and vanilla scented silk, then honey, you don't need to be hoarding wine toned velour jackets that you stopped wearing after the first day of your senior year.

Find some time to do your hair again, however you like it. Remember when you spent legitimate hours making your hair sleek and nice, just for your "whateveryoucallthisguy" to tease it up with his fingers into a big spike and go, "I like your hair when its up like this, its a lot better", in that way he does?.... well guess what bitch, all that did was revert your hair and waste your efforts. He doesnt even notice when your hair looks good or it doesnt..... does he? Its not like you can ask him... whatever. Just comb it back down, slap some oil in this thick ass mound of hair you've got, start to feel super extra good, and then promptly do something great.

Do some laundry. Don't use those stupid scent beads, but do use as much vinegar and natural scents as you can. Organize your cute clothes by color and reminisce and fantasize on all the cute events you can wear them to... you did the same before you met any of your previous boyfriends and managed to successfully revamped your confidence with nonstop cute looks for all of June! Hell yeah, sis! You can do the same now! Leave these people breathless with how absolutely great you make magenta and chartreuse appear. Who cares if they arent the summer tones? Youre gonna still look super good in them no matter the seasons...

Pedicure maybe? Whens the last time your toes smelled like cool peppermint? Sure, you may be reminded of your ex-whatchamacallit that only eats altoids and has an obsession with gum, or your other ex who always brushed his teeth mid-makeout to make things so minty fresh, but like.... they're feet. Just... feet. Not nice cool lips, not a tasty tongue flinging session.... just feet. They will smell like nice memories and you will walk with feelings of freedom and self esteem, waltzing your way out any door while your toes smell exactly like both your ex boyfriends' mouths.

Ignore that last sentence, just make your nails look cute. Cute feet are cool feet. All that has to be said.

Look at all that makeup you have. Surely you can use some of it, right? Not that you need it, but like... why have all these flamboyant lip colors and no one to show it off to? Show em off sis, youre still a beautiful young girl and deserve to take pictures and selfies to remind yourself of this.

Where are those scripts you printed? Ever find those? You were so confident when you always walked around with a copy of at least one of them in your purse at all times, lets see if you can reimagine your feelings and spark some more good things with reading your long lost story slash novel all the way from the beginning... it was a story people always gushed at you over, i bet youd love to see it screen at some festivals soon. Yes? :)

Listen to music you havent listened to in ages. Sure, you could keep moping with Look Back At It by A Boogie With A Hoodie, and Strangers in the Night, the song you adoringly kissed your favorite lover on the lips to while on the Kiss Cam to a sports game where the whole crowd was roaring for you, but like.... hey, wouldn't listening to Running in the 90s and Rodeo by Lil Nas X on repeat be better? What about that one song where a russian man covered head to toe in sparkles scats and ad libs in harmonies on stage? Those nightcore songs you loved as a preteenager? Any anime song opening ever? Monster Princess end theme wad a whole fucking bop! Listen to the Death Note second season theme as much as you can! Just please, for the life of me, do not listen to the same sad songs on repeat over and over again... love yourself, do as much as you can to be your own individual person and you will never feel sad or lost in yourself over some stupid losers in your life again.

Treat yourself to a cake or a pan of brownies. Bake another casserole, a good one. Try a new recipe from another culture and mix it with another culture, go absolutely fucking balls off the walls man. Make a food plan! List foods you want and the meals you would want for yourself! Set a limit of 100 dollars a month for groceries and pocket the rest! Just please feed yourself! Being healthy for yourself is great, especially if you're the best person in your life to be doing so well for.

Please edit a video soon! We really love your content and wanna see more from you!

Have some fun this summer and walk out the house, even around your neighborhood, just for a little bit!