#lifem

today W wanted to wear a hat and wear it backwards like me. she's such a joy to spend time with. even at mundane places like the grocery store.

I really am pushing it to get this post out before midnight, but here we are. 10:48p. It's hard to believe that this year i got divorced. well, we're not finalized yet, but my lawyer sent over the final draft of the decree or whatever this morning at 4am. she was fucking up, and, insanely, i was too. all the tropes are true, all the things that people say to comfort you are trite. i'm going to be ok. i am also massively sad about this whole thing. for better or for much worse, i really didn't see this coming. in the way you think your car is old and shitty but will still get you to work, and you just take for granted that it'll start on a cold morning, i just assumed that we were in a ebb and would eventually flit back into a flow. our problems with communication would sort themselves out. but they didn't. the car wouldn't crank, and we were bound to repeat the cycle that we had experienced as children. i probably still love ashley. maybe not in true romantic way, but as much as everything she is to me makes me angry i still love her for who she is to wilder. it's one of those contradictory quirks about life that just make you shrug.

I skated a lot this year, and really connected with some amazing friends through that. those guys helped me immensely and i'll never be able to thank them. skating with them in Raleigh in the spring was one of my favorite trips ever. we're also going to Eindhoven this feb for an event with a bunch more people. then back to Raleigh/durham in april. it's something to look forward to when times are so fucking bleak. I've lost about 30 pounds since june. it feels ok, but my clothes look silly on me, and i can't really afford a new wardrobe, and even if i could i'm sentimental to the point of mental illness and can't bare to throw anything away(everything-reminds-me-of-her.elliott-smith/song)

anyway, what a life. i don't know how to proceed, aside from waking up and going forward. i guess that's what most people in recorded history did, but i'm just smart enough to realize how trivial and pointless it is, and how i know for certain all of the hope i had as a young man about success are completely out of reach and just dumb enough to not make any of my dreams a reality(too dumb for nyc, too ugly for LA).

Now, I’m not sure if I correctly understand what the cotton ceiling is yet, but it’ something that’s popped up here and there in the discourse, and I thought it was something we could look into.

According to some articles (warning to the second article: contains transphobia), the cotton ceiling is a term to describe the limits of what people will consider trans women to be women. So far, I haven’t found much information on the idea being applied to trans men, but I get the feeling that again, transphobia plays a part in its exclusivity to trans women.

Source:

The cotton ceiling is a theory proposed by trans porn star and activist Drew DeVeaux to explain the experiences queer trans women have with simultaneous social inclusion and sexual exclusion within the broader queer women’s communities. Basically, it means that cis queer women will be friends with us and talk day and night about trans rights and ending transmisogyny, but will still not consider us viable sexual partners.

So, basically, the glass ceiling is the ‘ceiling,’ so to speak, that women reach where they’re essentially stopped and can’t go much higher in the workplace. In a sense, it’s a roadblock, created by societal standards of what women are capable of.

The cotton ceiling (cotton, meaning cotton underwear) applies to how trans women are seen amongst women in sexual situations.

Essentially, the argument is that even when we respect trans women’s identities, there’s is blatant transphobia in the dating scene, when someone makes the claim that they’d never date trans people.

When I was against the big F (feminism), I made the same claims too, and got into pretty debates. I didn’t see how it was transphobic and it took a few heated debates before someone finally addressed it to me in this way:

How can you know someone is trans? You’re going by what you see, and what you think they have as in parts. If you fall for a person prior to learning they’re trans, and you found out later that they are, does that make the attraction any less valid? Chances are that no: you still care about the person, because emotional investment comes before the body parts.

People say that sexuality is fluid and highly dependant on the connection between people, not on the parts that people have.

And this isn’t an argument to get people to sleep with trans women. This is an argument asking to look at what we’re really saying when we say we won’t date trans people.

We’re equating trans people to their genitals, and that idea is harmful. I understand that having a preference is a thing and that’s fine, but we also need to be very critical in the ideas. Just like it’s racist to say “I wouldn’t date Latinx women,” it’s also transphobic to say “I would never date a trans person.” There’s no way of you know ever knowing with 100% accuracy, and it’s working on dangerous assumptions and stereotypes of what the woman’s body is supposed to look like.

I was confused, restless, hurting— a coliseum of chaos within me.

I sat amidst the mist and breeze, and through the shifting veil, I saw the peak of the mountain— steadfast, serene, majestic. It didn’t resist the mist. It simply stood. And as I watched, more and more of it revealed itself.

With tears rolling down my cheeks, I whispered, “Why can’t I be like you? Steady. Calm. Patient.”

And in the stillness, I heard the mountain reply, “Why can’t I be like you? Free to run, to dance with the wind, to move with wild abandon— a kaleidoscope of emotions and experiences.”

The human mind doesn’t merely strive for growth; it craves perfection. It wants to become a flawless, omnipotent being. Instead of honoring the natural order, where every living thing has its role, its rhythm, its rightful place in the symphony of life—we want to rise above it all. We want to conquer. This isn’t evolution. It’s ego.

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