#liangfeng

Nie mingjue was a fast learner, liángfēng discovered, in amusement. They were the one who said it first, that he had been raised to a golden light. It was no wonder in truth, with his desire to keep his lands and family safe. It was a bit more wondering when they discovered that the spirit who took his saber as "rightful residence" was none other than the demons' queen. But by the time they discovered she had already claimed the saber and her wielder as hers and had no intention of letting go. She was kind, nie mingjue said, and she had been with him ever since he picked the saber, a soft voice whispering in his mind, different from the voices liángfēng heard, but still a voice. 

"it's probably your abilities that kept you safe from being possessed and overthrown by her." they said looking at the saber, but nie mingjue shook his head, a hand caressing the hilt fondly. 

"she would never. Baxia is a strange demon, she doesn't want the destruction of the mortal realm, and she gets really pissed when someone tries to take it over. Probably because she too is a leader, she understands the meaning of keeping the balance." 

"mistress… Your son is defending a demon!" liángfēng called as yue huangshui entered the training room. 

"I'm defending baxia." he pointed out, careful no to point the saber too. "not a regular, random demon." 

"mistress! - they called again, the shock clearly fake on their face. - young Master nie is defending the demons' queen!" they corrected themselves earning a little laugh from huangshui. 

"as long as he doesn't invite her over for dinner." 

"that would be an embarrassing dinner, mistress." liángfēng had to agree. 

"speaking of dinners. - nie mingjue took a step toward both of them. - you have time for one? Huaisang will be really happy to see you again, and to meet liángfēng too. And so would zonghui." please don't say no. The younger part of him seemed to beg. It had been almost a year since he started moving between Qinghe and that timeless place, not wanting to stay there and learn while leaving his brother in charge, and his husband alone. All considering he picked the whole shifting between realms pretty fast, stopping feeling nauseous after the first month. A fast learner indeed, and liángfēng felt a pang of pride in that, they took a liking to the younger boy as soon as he showed up. He was more similar to huangshui than they both realized. They still called him young Master despite his insistent protests, his use of nicknames to prove his point and the fact that more than once he called them either Lao shi or, but rarely and not without some guilt, even shijie. He tried to avoid it, most of the time happening when he wasn't feeling completely himself, too tired and weakened by training or fighting. They never corrected him, knowing there was no malice or disrespect in the way he said it. Their body was feminine after all, nie mingjue tried to call them Da-ge once, they stared at each other for a long minute before shrugging off the feeling, it didn't feel right. Shijie had a different ring, it still felt strange, but not entirely unpleasant. 

"young Master, I don't think it should--" 

"why not? It's about time you meet huaisang. You're definitely going to love him, I know it." 

"Mistress don't give him ideas!" 

"then it's decided." 

"no it's not! Young Master nie!!" 

"shijie!" he carried the final letters a bit longer, pouted a little like a child, something that looked extremely strange on his face, especially considering he was towering on them pretty much of a head. 

"don't shijie me, young Master." 

"dinner. Dinner. Come have dinner with us, shijie. I'm going to have made the best dishes of all of Qinghe." 

Yue HuángShuǐ took a step or two back, looked at the young man she had left behind that he still was a boy, he looked at the person that made her feel love again in the midst of her grief, he looked at her son excited eyes, at the way he smiled when calling them shijie, the small dimples on his cheeks. Looked at the way they didn't back away from a female nickname, how they embraced it because coming from mingjue, from someone who spoke it in a respectful way. She looked at them and smiled, a familiar warmth in her chest. 

"young Master, please… This one doesn't even know how to behave in a dinner with a major sect." nie mingjue laughed and grabbed their hands. 

"It's just dinner. Us three, brother and my husband. No big sects involved. Just family." 

They looked away, a blush spreading over their cheeks. 

"I shouldn't be there, then, if it's family." 

“You have a Nie fan. And braids. - he paused a moment, it felt strange sometimes, not having to act like the Sect Leader all the time. He was no one in that place, and he was so much younger than many. It felt good not being in charge. - You have Mother too. I dare to say this counts as family enough, right?”

Yuè HuángShuǐ nodded smiling and the battle was over and won.

“You look happy.” Nie ZongHui had a particular way of doing things, a specific order in which to do them, and that included taking in whatever emotion Nie MingJue was feeling and putting it into words. They didn’t have to discuss it if they didn’t want to, but it would be out in the open and not stuck inside the Sect Leader, only for him to bear. “You are happy.” Nie MingJue hummed, fingers working fast on undoing ZongHui’s braids, he didn’t even have to turn to notice, the way his hands moved was enough.

“I convinced LiángFēng to come for dinner. With mother.” Well, it made sense he was happy, Nie ZongHui thought. Wait—

“Madame Yuè is coming? Does Huaisang—”

“Knows? - Nie MingJue hid a little laugh and burrowed his face against ZongHui’s shoulder. - He’s running around planning what to have for dinner. He’s more excited than I am, honestly.”

“But you are excited.” It was true, and they both knew it.

“Of course I am, why shouldn’t I? I will finally have my family back for one dinner. Why shouldn’t I be excited?”

There was something else Nie ZongHui felt, not in the words or in his voice, it didn’t change at all, but in the way his arms embraced him, the way MingJue's nose pressed against his back, the cold tip on his warm skin. He was happy, of course, he was excited, obviously. He was— sad. Neither of them spoke of that, nor of anything else, Nie ZongHui leaned his body back against him and covered MingJue's hands with his. That was the kind of feel they didn’t speak about. No reason to speak of it after all, everything was way too clear.

“I wish you could be like me.” Nie MingJue whispered when ZongHui was asleep by his side and he was staring at the ceiling wide awake. “Even the thought that one day I will lose you…” He curled up closer to him and soon enough ZongHui's arms moved to embrace him. He wouldn’t sleep but his warmth always made him feel a little better.

"I still don't believe it's proper for me to com--" 

"we've talked about this already, liángfēng. It's not only proper since you're family, but mingjue already convinced you. Think of how sad he would be if you chose not to come." yue huangshui fixed the collar on their robe gently, her fingers brushing against their neck. 

"young Master would understand…" 

"liángfēng. - she called, and they bowed their head slightly only for Huangshui's fingers to lift it from the chin. - as a sect leader he's stern and strong and unbending, but here, with us, with you, he's a young man who can lay down all his responsibilities and just be himself. He's young, like you were when I first met you, he's uncertain and scared, he had to grow up so soon and so fast and I did him wrong by leaving him alone. But you… Oh my dear, you. You took him under your wing like an older sibling he never had, and he clings on that because no matter how old he may look or be, he's still too young. And in that world, being too young and in charge is a condemn."

LiángFēng melted under her touch, huangshui words only half heard. It was enough to imagine how disappointed and sad her new brother would be to make up their mind. They saw him sad, when he thought he wouldn't be able to return to the mortal realm, he saw him, tall, strong, big sect leader, eyes still glowing golden as tears fell down his cheeks, drop on his knees and grasp at yue huangshui robes with desperate hands, begging her to allow him to go back. To return to his little brother. To the man he loved. To his people. 

When liángfēng ascended they thought the place was freedom itself. No voices, no father to order them around and disrespect them, no one to mock them. But they had no one in the other world, no one they would miss or that would miss them. He did. He had so many people, so important and precious. He looked so devastated that liángfēng felt their heart hurt for him. They wished to never see that expression ever again on his face, they swore they'll find a way to always keep a smile on him, no matter what. Just like they swore to always follow mistress Yuè. 

He would be sad if they didn't come after he invited them, it would make him frown, probably even pout the next time they would see him. What older sibling would ever let their little brother get so upset on purpose? 

Still, having dinner in the mortal realm felt strange. The food was good, it even looked nice, lot of meat and wild herbs and vegetables, coming, huaisang said, form the best parts of Qinghe. Except the meat. 

"Da-ge went hunting. He does that sometimes." 

LiángFēng looked up, the chopsticks held carefully, and looked straight at mingjue. 

"you hunted that… - they stopped and looked back on their plate. - what was that again?" 

"deer." It was zonghui who answered them, looking at them as he took a piece of meat from MingJue's plate instead of his own. "and yes, we do that sometimes. For special occasions. This sounded special enough, mis--master---"  he looked around briefly, not finding a proper alternative and sighing. 

"does Shijie not like it? -- zonghui! Stop stealing my dinner! You didn't even touch your plate!" 

"no, no young Master… It's great!" 

"we always share, and you don't complain." 

"we have guests." 

"that's family, Da-ge… Not just some random guests." 

Their world had always been in chaos. Ever since they could remember, there were voices accompanying them in their mind, voices that didn't belong to them but only they could hear. There was never a moment of blissful silence, the voice never quieted no matter what they did or how much they begged, the voices didn't care. Because the voices weren't alive anymore, and dead things do not care for the living. 

LiángFēng doesn't remember their name the day they wake up on a marbled floor white as the snow, the day they raise their head and stare at a woman dressed in gray with her hand stretched for them to grab. They have no name, they don't know where they are or how they got there, but the woman is kind and warm, her hands are soft and there's an aura of light coming from behind her making her look ethereal. LiángFēng before they got the name took her hand and was raised to their feet easily. That was when they noticed, snatched the hand away and covered their mouth in silent shock. 

"are you wounded?" the woman asked. "It happens sometimes, new ascensions can be rough when you're that much young." 

Ascension? They thought. A sob broke through their throat and tears spilled down the cheeks. They weren't hurt, nothing hurt in truth, nothing at all. 

"what is your name?" the kind woman asked again, patient, sweet. 

"I… - a new sob broke their voice, and another, and another again. They couldn't stop. - this one has no name." 

The woman seemed surprised for a moment, then she brushed a hand over their cheek, wiping the tears. 

"then we'll find one for you, my child. Come." 

On uncertain feet they followed, a hand wrapped around the hem of the woman's sleeve, not wanting to let her walk too far. 

The world and their mind, for the first time in their short life, blissfully silent. 

It wasn't always like that, there was a time when they didn't know what silence felt like. Thinking back they weren't even sure they had a name, they're parents never cared since they discovered their particular ability. 

"you can do so much good like that, daughter." 

"I… I don't like being called a daughter, father…" they whispered, voice small and childlike, almost afraid. Their father laughed and caressed their hair. 

"nonsense my dear. - he said. - look at yourself. Such pretty hair and face, and definitely a pretty girl's body and clothes. Of course you're my daughter." 

"but… Father, I don't feel like a girl. I like the pretty dresses but--" 

They took a step back, the mood showing on their father's face changing. 

"stop talking now. I have no time for your nonsense." he turned to leave the room and stopped in the door. "remember, your voice belongs to the lost souls. Unless they're the one complaining you do not speak." the little LiángFēng before the kind woman gave them the name nodded at their father's words and crawled in the bed. Souls always complained, they howled and cried in their mind, begging to be helped, begging to be saved, released, guided. Souls of old people, young brides too small for their husbands, men who went hunting and never returned home, children lost and left alone. Some souls were young, voices soft, some even politely asking if that one person hearing them could help them. They liked these souls, their kindness and the endless thank you they gave them, they felt like a caress or a hug. 

"please kind girl, can you help me find my son? I didn't have time to tell him I loved him." "please, tell mama and papa that I will be good." "oh, thank you, thank you. Can you see her? - LiángFēng chuckled, eyes closed as an old man excitedly hugged his beloved wife. Their happiness was contagious. - she was the light of my life and here she is, beautiful as the day we met. Thank you for bringing me to her, thank you." and they danced away, when LiángFēng opened their eyes there were tears falling in her cheeks. 

"I want to find a love like this one." they whispered, not daring to speak louder. 

The kind woman, who they had discovered was called Yue HuangShui, took them in a different room, with a soft bed and a desk. 

"you can change and rest if you need." they shook their head, hands now both grasping at her sleeve like a scared kid, but she didn't seem annoyed, she still smiled and led them to the bed. 

"you're not tired I see, come, let's find some new clothes. Take anything you like, you belong here now." 

Everything was rich and beautiful, far different from everything they ever had. 

"I… Don't deserve them Mistress Yue…" they whispered lowering their head. Yuè HuángShuǐ laughed softly and picked a robe for them. 

"you deserve more than you think, here child, have this."

“Are you a Goddess, Mistress Yuè?” They asked one day. Time was strange in that new place, it seemed almost still, LiángFēng was familiar with Martial Gods, they even prayed them when the voices were so loud and insistent and painful. They prayed so much and so hard for them to stop—

“You must be a goddess! - They exclaimed and then immediately shoved both hands over the mouth lowering the voice again. - This one prayed for the to stop talking and you… You appeared. And now they’re gone.”

Yuè HuángShuǐ lifted her head from the paper, the brush kept perfectly still and vertical in her left hand.

“I’m not enough worshiped to be a Goddess, child.” She smiled then, almost by chance, her look fell on the drying ink. “LiángFēng. - She muttered under her breath before looking up again. - Clean, pure, uncorrupted. A gentle breeze that the world is in desperate need.”

“Mistress Yuè?”

“Your name. From now on, if you like it, your name will be LiángFēng.”

“Liáng…Fēng?” They repeated it slowly, trying it, almost tasting it on their tongue.

“Only if you wish, of cour—”

“Yes! - They smiled happily, clapping their hand once and looking happier then they’ve ever been since they arrived. Yuè HuángShuǐ couldn’t help but laugh with them. - This one truly likes the name!”

"it hurts…" they cried softly, their head seemed to be splitting in two with the pain, voices screaming to be listened to, to have a priority and they couldn't understand why they all screamed in their head. Why them? They've been good, they behaved as father told them to. The voices didn't seem to agree and they screamed and screamed and screamed. "father please--" 

"what have I told you?" 

They wished mother was there, surely mother would have been kind, surely mother would have helped them. But mother was never there, mother wasn't even alive anymore. Sometimes, when the voices quieted a little and a sweeter one whispered they asked if it was mother. It was never mother, mother never spoke. They still hoped that one day she would. 

"to… To give voice to the souls." 

They curled up on the bed trembling, the head hurting more and more. 

"unless it's a soul that is hurting, you…" father waited and liángfēng knew he wanted them to finish the sentence, to prove they remembered. But it hurt too much and they felt unconsciousness begin to fade, their cries getting softer as the strength left their small body. 

"I… - they coughed weakly. Their body laying on the hard mattress, limp, eyes half closed. - I don't spea---" exhaling slowly they fell unconscious, voice never stopping and them too weak to keep listening. 

They prayed. In the silence of their little room and sanctuary, they prayed. Surely among the gods there was someone who could quiet the voices crowding their mind, someone who could bring peace and silence. Surely there was a God so kind and merciful that would listen to them or so they hoped, they wished. They prayed. 

Until one day the God, goddess, answered them and the voices quieted. 

"mistress yue." they called sitting down in front of her desk, a silver robe matching the little fan they found and decided to carry everywhere. "why do you keep this little cage on your desk?" they touched the bell on the top, its sound echoing softly and clear around them. 

"there's a core made of yin energy in there." yue huangshui explained looking almost amused at how liángfēng immediately retread their hand from the bell. "I don't want to destroy it." 

"but… But it's evil energy." they said, confused. Slowly they moved on the other side of the table and peaked inside the little cage where a ball of energy pulsed calmly. 

"does it look evil?" huangshui asked and liángfēng shook their head. It didn't. Not really. They could feel the yin energy in it but if they had to judge just by the look it didn't seem evil at all. 

"the cage is just that. A normal bird cage like thousands of them. The bell is the trick. - she explained. - when you perform a purification you need something to ground the energy, something able to calm it and release it slowly. A core like this would take a couple more months before disappearing."

LiángFēng nodded. 

"but… I don't understand. Disappear where?" 

"Back in the world. There must always be a balance. If we exorcise all evil from it then what does it remain?" 

"the… Good energy? Isn't that the purpose of all?" 

"the mortal realm can't survive only in yang energy. At some point this energy would turn greedy and greedines will become anger, and create a new kind of yin, stronger, angrier, far more dangerous, for everyone. Even us. . But if we keep the balance as it is now…" 

"mistress yue." they called stopping her. "mistress, can you teach me?"

"mother, can you teach me the little butterflies?" liángfēng eager to learn face merged for a moment with a young boy who's eyes briefly sparkled gold, a boy she had left behind, abandoned. She wondered for a moment if he still remembered their little golden little games, she made sure she sealed his memories and taught little huaisang to do the same, leaving the even younger kid with a responsibility bigger than he was. For a moment she saw her little boy in that person who never strayed too far from her. 

"mistress yue? Is everything--" 

"yes. - yue huangshui looked back at them and slowly touched their face. - yes, of course I can teach you." she wondered if her son would ever forgive her for living. 

Remaining silent wasn't hard most times for liángfēng they learned fast and young, their father forcing them to only speak with the souls voices, turning her strange ability into a living. On the outside, most public side he was a kind, caring father, his cultivation not too high, taking good care of his special daughter. A kind man who loved to help others. 

He wasn't kind. He wasn't gentle. He wasn't caring. 

Little he cared for the lost souls invading liángfēng's mind ever since they were little, he cared for the silver people gave him, and he threw his daughter at them when people called them liars, he called them a liar too, accusing them to make up those souls just because their voices and words weren't what the living remembered. The thing was, souls cannot lie. Every word they spoke, no matter how good, how nice, how bad and angry, they were always the truth. Living beings on the other hand, they lied all the time, they hid behind a courteous smile and lied as easily as they breathed.

LiángFēng couldn't lie. Because liángfēng had no name at the time. LiángFēng had no voice but the souls' one. Souls can't lie, and neither could liángfēng. 

"he did you so wrong, my dear." yue huangshui said, her hands carefully styling their whitening hair in small braids. It was only a couple of silver white streaks for now, she offered to teach them to hide it, to keep their hair black, but they admired the streaks in silence for ours and then shook their head, sometimes choosing not to speak at all for hours or even days. 

I like them like they are. It's a new start. They meant to say. Huangshui braided the white streaks with the black hair in a small rose on the back. 

"he did you wrong and I wish he could pay for that." 

"mistress?" 

"treating their child like that only to take advantage of his child's ability." 

She never said daughter, always so careful with her words and they only had to say it once. 

"it's… It Doesn't matter. I liked to help them." 

"and that's why you're here now, it still doesn't make it alright. You couldn't even speak." 

“Ah! LiángFēng chose not to speak.”

“You can lie now.” Yuè HuángShuǐ chuckled lightly as they blushed holding the fan closer to their face in a gesture almost painfully familiar.

“You remind me of someone I used to know. Someone I used to love.” She said and LiángFēng closed and lowered the fan holding it in both hands.

“Is it the someone you still mourn, Mistress? If you tell LiángFēng what is doing to make you sad, LiángFēng will—”

“You don’t make me sad!” She grabbed their hands and forced them to look up at her. “You don’t make me sad, LiángFēng. You could never! You remind me of him and it’s such a good memory that I would look at you every moment.”

Maybe it was at that time, LiángFēng theorized, that they fell in love with Yuè HuángShuǐ. The moment they decided that they would dedicate all of their days to see her smile. They were used to loneliness, even with the thousands of voices in their head. For their Mistress’ smile they would face thousands years of loneliness.

“Nameless Lord of a nameless land.” Yuè HuángShuǐ greeted the man making him jump in fear and turn, his hands trembling as he held his sword in front of himself. He stared at the woman clothed in dark gray with golden eyes. “No favor you may want to ask the Heavens will be listened to for a thousand years. Consider your life as your greatest fortune because you’ll never have anything else.”

“Who—” Yuè HuángShuǐ lifted a finger to her mouth in a silence gesture.

“No, nameless Lord of nothing. You have no right to speak. Ever again.”

Like she arrived, she was gone, his mouth now sealed shut.

Qinghe wasn't far but she entered the Unclean Realm’s borders with apprehension. Nothing had really changed during the years, it felt like coming home from a night hunt alone, heading to the palace and having her husband and their lover waiting for her. Except they were both now gone, and she wasn’t headed to the palace.

She spotted easily a little stand on the side of the busy road and approached it taking her time to admire the fine fans hand painted until one was pushed right under her nose, open. It wasn’t perfect, the strokes sometimes too big and dark, or too trembling, a phoenix soaring the skying a silvery colored wind.

“You can buy FēngFēng something pricey and artistically beautiful. Or you can give them something with a meaning.” She looked up staring at her son.

“Since when you paint fans?” HuángShuǐ inquired taking the fan in hand and a hairpin from the stand anyway.

“Since HuaiSang decided he wanted to do some family bonding time and dragged me and ZongHui out of the training ground.” He didn’t sound too happy about that and she chuckled lifting the fan to the light to catch better the details. Not perfect indeed, but beautiful nevertheless. “Besides, the Sect Leader paints the official ceremony's fans for the closest family. Father made yours, and HuāLing’s, mine and Huaisang’s too. I made one for ZongHui, - He ignored her look, they had a lot to catch up over the years and sometimes she still wondered how he could have forgiven her so easily. Other times she wondered how he managed to make ZongHui love him, only to later discover it had been the other way around. - LiángFēng deserves one too. They’re family.”

“You painted a phoenix on their fan.” She pointed out.

“You don’t want to tell them, someone has to. Mother… They would never blame you for loving someone. They would love LiángFēng just as much.”

“I come bearing gifts.” Was the first thing Yuè HuángShuǐ said walking up to them. She placed the wrapped gifts on the table and sat in front of LiángFēng.

“Mistress Yuè, I—” LiángFēng looked at the hairpin and, especially, at the painted fan in awe. “I don’t really— It’s too much for—”

They didn’t notice HuángShuǐ gently taking their hand until it was held so carefully and lightly and Yuè HuángShuǐ kissed the back.