my shows pick up tomorrow, as payback for breaking my contract. 5 shows a week and i’m surrounded by loads of people and can’t get out of it. i’m glad doyoung and taeyong know, yeah -- but i really can’t look at the rest of this dorm properly if they find out what’s happening. this is where i should’ve just stuck to what i was doing with gahyeon. she wouldn’t be in the situation she’s in, and i could’ve just continued on with what i was doing. things would’ve been far better than this.

i don’t blame hyuck. feelings for people come at the wrong time. i?? honestly think i might be in the same kind of situation right now, so it’s.. understandable. i just don’t want him to hate himself for something that you can’t help. i mean, the only thing that’s really going to be difficult is how awkward he’s probably made it. i could kind of feel it at the show earlier, but i’m glad all of them kind of kept it to themselves. i don’t think it’s going to go as bad as all of them think it’s going to go, but honestly? i think he needs to just.. make his mind up. (great advice mark, maybe learn to take it yourself)

gahyeon being upset really rattled me for some reason. i don’t normally like seeing her as upset as she was yesterday, but for some reason -- it really fucked with me. gahyeon is literally like the other half of me at this point. someone i want to help out with no matter what, but it hurt her. she wasn’t upset about what happened. she was okay with that. we have the same kind of outlook on these things. she was just more upset about how she felt like he was going to have to choose. i think i managed to calm her down. we sat and had a tub of ice cream and had that.. deep heart to heart talk about how i’d support her no matter what, and we both had that tiny little cry again. i don’t.. think i actually made things better giving her his shirt, but.. if it gives her some kind of comfort then we’re okay.

and taeil... i don’t know. i wanted to check up on him, but i feel like i’d probably just get my head snapped off if i try, but... i just wanna make sure he’s doing okay too.

“나는 항상 당신의 팀에있을 것입니다. 당신은 그것에 대해 걱정할 필요가 없습니다.”

                    “i am always going to be on your team. you                              never have to worry about that.”

i fucked up with gahyeon today. i’m trying to work around the fact that we didn’t know each other, and it’s just forcing all this stress on her. my contract runs out soon, and i had to tell her. she snapped and it just turned into a huge fucking argument and i hate that it did. because she’s nice and i really don’t fucking know how to make up for 19 years of not knowing each other

and for some reason? i’m flirting with jeno? or trying to at least?

and this????? is happening i guess

did i know you existed until a few weeks ago? no, i didn’t and i fucking hate the fact that my dad never told me i had a half sibling. especially one that was into the shit that you’re in. i’m trying to be a good brother to you, to just sit there and do my job like the boss demanded and make sure you don’t get into anything stupid. but you’re doing everything you can to stop me from doing that. “can i go out tonight” “can i have someone over” i can’t let you do that, and still you do all of this shit that can land me in trouble. i’m actually glad that yongsun is taking over from me tonight. then i can go, do the shows that i need to do and relax for once. instead of watching you on a camera and making sure that you’re not risking both of our asses.