#lfla

After leaving the Pink Corvette gig, Al and Sky end up in a CVS parking lot where she immediately calls in a prescription because she's freaking out and the Mythicals have her meds. When Al goes inside to pick them up he finds out they're actually prescribed under the name Emily Golden. Al has a towel in his car that he stole from the Ark that is monogrammed 'JG.' NO REASON THESE TWO FACTS ARE RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER I'M SURE, CARRY ON.

There's some awkward almost-sex and a weird hand job but to Al's credit, when he realizes Sky is not into it at all he loses his interest as well and takes her home (throwback to Pop Kids when Stella was high well past the point of being able to consent and had several guys going at her at once!!! That was fucked!!!).

Unrelated to anything, Davey proves to be way more up to date with what the kids like because he mentions Al using VSCO and this book came out in 2017 and I still don't really know what VSCO is, so. Yeah. I'm too old for all these newfangled apps.

I think it's time to talk about the use of real celebrity names vs making up pseudonyms. Stella is apparently banging James Franco, and he's just... that's his Whole Ass Name. He's just in this book (being very on brand for James Franco AS IT TURNS OUT). Al has talked about the pop superfame he's hooked up with and featured on his site, Marlena Lopez before, ands she's obviously meant to be Selena Gomez. I say 'obviously' because it is pretty clear before this but ALSO there is definitely a slip-up on page 106, the beginning of chapter 14:

"As I dug my hand into a drift, Marlena started telling Taylor while we should have a threesome. Fully agreeing with her points, I packed a snowball and pegged Terry Richardson in the center of his chest. He retaliated. Taylor pulled Selena from the war and after getting pegged twice in the head, I called a truce." (106)

So I guess somebody missed one in the Find-And-Replace passover this book got.

So, anyway, Marlena/Selena gets a pseudonym, but James Franco is just there. And Alexa Chung hangs around the Effs too like she's just another character in this book and not an Actual Person? Every time Al posts her picture he gets attacked in the comments by someone named @snowsimian which is so funny because she dated Alex Turner of... The Arctic Monkeys.

And then there's Taylor Swift. Of all the people to use a real name, it's the notoriously litigious Taylor Swift? (Full disclosure I support everything T. Swift has done in the name of protecting her work and the rights of artists. Except when she tried to trademark the phrase 'shake it off.' But her battles with Apple Music and with Scooter Braun? I am HERE FOR. But like. My girl likes to sue). The object of obsession of one of THE most rabid fanbases I've ever seen online? And whom Davey also decides to write as closeted?? Davey really said 'fuck it' and chose violence here. There is so much to unpack here!!! I want to alert the Swifties to the whole chunk of chapter 16 where Al instigates a car chase with Taylor Swift and an unnamed short-haired (butch??) lady because he sees them kissing. The tinhats would definitely take it as confirmation that Taylor is in fact gay (and that whatever ship name they had for her and Cara Delivgne or however you spell it was real) and the rest would ABSOLUTEY flood Davey's mentions with nonsense and/or alert Taylor herself and all hell would break loose and I live for that chaos. I just want to know who decided Selena can't be Selena in this book but Taylor can just straight up be Taylor.

Anyway, Sky doesn't get the role in Terror Cake. A model got it, because the directors wanted a more "all American" look so they cast... a blonde Australian. Davey really hates Hollywood lmao.

So Al and Sky make loose plans to go to Disneyland, they talk about Club 33 which makes me wonder... is Davey a member? I have questions. Then as Al is leaving, he spots Score arriving. Sky had mentioned a "meeting" she forgot about and seemed surprised that whoever this meeting was with got there so fast, and Al makes 0 connections here, even after The Barbie says '"You know Sky talks to him right?" she says while passing the chick her empty glass. "Seems like they're fucking"' (134). He assumes she means Jamie Shannon. I DO NOT!!!!! Also they're shopping for an engagement ring for Al to give Sky in this scene because Al has no chill at all.

Will Al ever figure out what's up with Sky? Will he learn to pick up on a single hint, ever, about anything? Why is Taylor Swift just IN THIS BOOK?

We pick up in chapter 1 with Al having been in Hollywood for almost a year, first working as a paparazzo and then starting his own gossip site fueled by his insider access to the Effs, the cast of a reality show called All Fs: Fierce, Fearless and Fucked-Up Females, aka Stella et al. I gotta say I am wildly uncomfortable when anyone uses "female" when they mean "woman" and I know it's technically correct but it activates my fight or flight response. But also I would watch the shit out of that show, I watched like every season of Jersey Shore, trashy reality is my jam.

Anyway, we pick up with Al at a party DJed by one of the Effs, The Barbie, which he's shooting. He's also absolutely enamored with another celebrity (?), Sky Monroe. It's not entirely clear what Sky does, but I think she might be internet famous, and Al is in love but also a terrible flirt. Like the third thing he says to her in his entire life is a marriage proposal and then offers to consummate that marriage at her leisure and it's truly awkward but also, way more charming coming from Al than it would be from, say, Score. I know I mentioned how deeply I love Al while reading Pop Kids and that hasn't changed. He's the best. His characterization is actually really in line with the pacing in this bit. I still think the Preface was insane with everything that happened in like 8 pages but here the fast pacing, the number of people he interacts with at this party, and everyone else is perfectly in sync with a) the fast pace of Hollywood and celebrity life and b) Al being really, really hyper and stoked on life.

Anyway, Sky is interested in being on Al's site (which is AlThisAndMore.com because of course it is, but also not a real domain and that bums me out, someone buy that up) to raise her profile since she's going to be in a movie. In the first piece of excellent satire in this book, it's a remake of a Japanese horror film -- and the original only came out last week. Beautiful touch. Love it.

Because Al can't shut the fuck up he reveals his plan to destroy James Shannon's life, and Sky is absolutely about to reveal something when they're interrupted by The Barbie shooting a pellet gun at Al and then everyone else in the club, because she's just Like That, and it's a Thing.

So Sky and Al make a quick exit to the ladies' room with Sky's entourage (two I presume drag queens Al calls 'The Trueblood' and 'The Unicorn,' or 'The Mythicals' collectively. They talk about featuring Sky in his site, nothing scandalous, and all the while the Mythicals are cutting lines of coke on the counter.

Al keeps trying to flirt as one of the Mythicals writes a note and Sky's number on a gum wrapper, and when Al makes a comment to Sky about what the gum (that she's chewing) tastes like, so The Unicorn kisses him, hands him the note and says "Follow us and be fast" and like, who was this all for? What's with the covert spy shit? They're the only people in the bathroom. Just... give him your number and say follow us. This is so weird.

On the way out of the club, one of the paps outside asks Al if he's seen James Shannon, who supposedly came to the club to meet Sky. Taking a page right out of the Score Massi 'My Dream Girl Has Done Nothing Wrong Ever In Her Life' playbook, Al denies it, saying she wouldn't be caught dead with him.

We'll see how that turns out for him.

Speaking of Score, it's briefly mentioned but he was at the party, and now Al goes to meet him at a diner. I'm not sure when this plan to meet up happened since I thought he was about to go follow Sky somewhere, but... alright.

Seeing Score through someone's eyes other than his own is...a trip. 17-year-old Score in Pop Kids thought he was the absolute shit. I'm sure 20-something Score does too, but seen through Al's eyes, he's just kinda sad, y'know? He's got like 4 different phones to keep up with lord knows what, everywhere he goes it's to be seen, and he's broke as fuck but just gets expensive shit for free because he has a large following online. He's absolutely an influencer who thinks he's the shit, but he's kind of just a nobody. He's still with Stella, but she is also seeing other people so he's effectively homeless when she has another guy over. He's still as obsessed with fame as ever. Also he isn't vegan anymore, even though he's the reason Al became vegan. Al looked up to him in high school, but it's very clear here: Al grew up (kinda), Score didn't.

They talk about Sky for a bit, and then about James Shannon, and we learn more about him: he was on a teen soap opera and then started a band, Drop Dead Gorgeous. At this point my money is on Jared Leto for inspiration behind this character, but also, Drop Dead Gorgeous is actually a band so this part tripped me up. I never listened to them but they were 100% part of that Warped Tour scene in the mid-00s during the height of AFI's popularity in that same scene and I feel like they must've crossed paths at some point, though to be fair it's impossible to give your fake band a name that has 100% guaranteed never been used by a real band ever. Anyway, the real Drop Dead Gorgeous had 6 members and four of them were named Daniel, and we just kinda let them.

Anyway, the last three chapters of this section are dedicated to the fact that Al apparently has a sugar daddy? We don't learn his real name, but it's an eccentric older man who helped Al out when his motorcycle broke down, bought him his car, and lets him stay in his poolhouse whenever he wants (and according to Score, gets off on Al watching him jerk off, so... yeah). Al calls him Uncle Noah and calls his house The Ark because of all the exotic animals he has living, there, including several kinkajous -- one of whom dies of a coke overdose while Al is there, because that's the kind of house Uncle Noah has. Also he's insane, and Al is constantly rebuffing his advances but he still gives him money. It's very well written as being a really creepy situation but one that Al goes along with because he needs the money. When in the shit is someone gonna help my boy Alvin???