#lex's log

i felt very down the first half of this week, which is typical but not for this time. usually my moods are pretty predictable, so i thought it was strange. but i learned about sickness behavior, and how it closely mirrors early depression (fatigue, withdrawal, hopelessness, etc.), so it makes for a good explanation. i might be coming down with something, most of the people i know are, but my immune system is full of strong soldiers so i've been okay. when i'm feeling really unwell there's usually a good reason (sickness, hormones, emotional dysregulation), and i like that it can be easily explained, but it makes me wonder how many of my emotions are actually rooted in reality. it's a hurricane in my mind, but when i tell anyone about my winter breezes, i know it sounds silly. and i don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions, you know. i want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them, but moderately and never in excess, because no person worth your time ever puts his heart before his brain. i think. それきも。i'd like to avoid being any kind of an emotional person, but i can't help it. unfortunately.

lots of birthdays this week. my dad, my lolo (he celebrated it with the lord), my ap world history teacher, and me tomorrow. statistically, february has the lowest number of birthdays, and this makes sense because it has the lowest number of days. but i feel like everyone is born in february. february is my favorite month, because i like the color red. and my birthday is my favorite holiday. i hope i can have many in the future. i was born on a super bowl sunday, at the new york-presbyterian, in the corner right over broadway, at 17h17. i was an easy birth, and everyone was having a good time, including my mother. but make no mistake, i would make her suffer later as a result, through daily insulin injections. bless her. in any case, i'd like to pass through the world and some day soon to leave it in the way i came; easily. (受け身で生きるのは楽だが、楽には生きられない。)

my school's progress reports come every six weeks in a semester, which means next week for me. as i open my canvas app to check my grades, i feel anxious. so this is what it's come to again.... i have four good marks, and two classes i'm failing. one is a matter of skipping my classwork for the past month, and one is a matter of me not belonging in the class. i'm a really smart kid, you know. 僕は天才です。every teacher i've ever had knew i was smart, and when more people knew my name i was known for being smart. i'm not a dumb kid, and i'm not a bad kid. but every time i open one of mr. s' chemistry honors assignments, i consider dropping the class, and when i don't, i browse online for cheap charcoal bags. completing schoolwork feels akin to ripping out my own organs to give to my teachers. so it's gotten to the point, again, where i sleep at 20h30 to end the day, like in a video game. my bed is jurgis' drinking glasses and sherlock's needles. so when i'm having fun during the day, or making plans for this weekend, i feel guilty because i know i don't deserve it right now.

we had a chemistry quiz on tuesday, which i was sure i failed spectacularly, but i was just short of passing. all the questions i answered correctly, but only half within the time given… i talked to mr. s at the beginning of last week, and he told me that he thinks i'm smart enough to handle the material. it was a relief to know that was what he thought; i was sure he hated me. every time i go into that class i'm sure that he's judging me for how lazy and stupid i am, but i must have overestimated. he remembered my tangent on the nomenclature of polonium from the beginning of the year, too. that's my favorite thing, when people remember things about me.

unknowingly finding me sinking in self-loathing and self-pity, every teacher loves to feed my colossal vanity. madame g thinks i'm the good child of my corner of the room. mrs. s gave me personal notes about the "beautiful analysis of allusion in the paper menagerie." mr. d, while handing me back my leq, told me it was excellent and how he wished i typed it so he could show the class. mr. m thinks i'm a good student. adult validation is everything to me, you see. i could be a willing victim in a heartbeat, for all you know.

i will try to remember things about you, if you tell me. i might even remember for long enough to write it down next week, when i see you again. (it's a funny thing to pretend you have an audience.)

MY FAVORITE SONG THIS WEEK (i don't usually listen to classical)

I was contemplating Parker's gender. So far I've labeled him a demiboy (AMAB), but I find that I keep essentially just treating him as cis, which I don't want. Despite my huge number of same-sex-love characters I don't really have any genderqueer characters. Ike was supposed to have very subtle hints of transfemininity, Ronnie is supposed to be gender apathetic, Asa is a trans man, but that's it. Their gender identities usually get swept under the rug anyway.

But I think it makes a lot of sense for Parker to be genderqueer, especially transmasculine. I've known a number of "Parkers" in my life, and I've played with the idea of FTM Parker since his conception. (I also would just like to draw him in a binder...) There are a lot of narrative benefits of Parker being AMAB that I think would be changed if he was trans, though. I would like Parker to be in settings like locker rooms or bathrooms with Ike, but unfortunately they are American teenagers. This setting can be easily fixed, though, I've already established that Parker is a little rebellious, so he might just do what he wants. Or I could take creative liberty and end systemic transphobia. Or I could explore an extra struggle for Parker. So it doesn't end up being that big of a problem.

I also like the idea of Parker being feminine. Not to say that trans men can't be feminine, or that trans femboys don't exist, but as a cis person writing him I think it could easily slip into dysphoria, which I wouldn't want. I think of Parker as being a doormat, even in his gender expression (like how femboys are fetishized by weird men to be called "she," in complete honesty I think Parker would be fine with that), but a transmasculine Parker is in my eyes more adamant and assertive about his maleness, even if he isn't so loud about it, and even if he likes to explore femininity.

But I want him to be perceived as male by his peers, and unfortunately I don't think that would happen. As a person who knows a lot of genderqueer people, the only people to my knowledge who had their identities widely respected outside their social circle were already very popular. And even then, not everyone I knew supported them. Parker is already so unpopular that I think that if he was trans then it would just give people another thing to torment him with. Parker needs to be bullied as a boy and I don't think his schoolmates are courteous enough to give him that.

Another alternative was MTNB. Parker's already very much his own person, and he already doesn't conform to gender, so I think making him non-binary would not only make sense for his actual gender identity but also for what he represents. I also liked this idea, but in my mind Parker is a man. So AMAB demiboy has been the answer for a while.