You Have My Heart
Levi
The wind is chilly. Even though I'm bundled up in better clothes than I've ever worn before, I'm freezing. It's late autumn... Almost half a year since I lost them.
I discovered months ago that I can't grieve both of them on the same day. If I do, I'll stay here until the sun goes down. So, I take it in weeks. One week I go to Farlan's grave. The next, I go to Isabel's. Then the cycle repeats. Every Thursday, I'm here, staring at a stone.
I owe them this much after I failed them. I shouldn't have gone off on my own. I should have stayed with them. They're both dead... And it's my fault.
I sit down in front of Isabel's grave. The ground is frozen. I draw my cloak tighter around me, staring at the stone. Isabel Magnolia.
"I don't have flowers today. I probably won't be able to bring any until spring." I rest my chin on my hand.
It used to be hard to talk, but now I'm used to it.
"I know you don't care about things like that. You probably would have rolled your eyes right now if you were here."
The cold seems to settle over me, concentrating on my back and shoulders. This always happens. Even in the middle of summer, it's cold here. It almost feels like ice is embracing me. I let it. Its comforting in its own way.
"They want me to lead my own squad now. At least, Erwin does. Shadis isn't too kean on it. Neither am I. I already failed you and Farlan... I don't want to be responsible for more lives."
The cold seems to tighten around me.
"At least I don't have to worry about it until Shadis steps down. Erwin is next in line to become commander... So I'll deal with that then."
I can almost feel Isabel. That's how strong my memory of her is. I can feel her irritation at me for blaming myself for her death.
"I wish you were here, Isabel. I need you here. Everything is shitty without you and Farlan here... I miss Farlan of course... But you grounded me, Issy."
I've been skirting this conversation for years. I could never bring myself to say it to her when she was alive... Even now, it's hard to say it aloud. I never even wanted to acknowledge it..
Hange had figured it out through a series of observations. They had suggested I tell Isabel's grave, even if she couldn't hear me anymore. They think admitting it will help me move on. I don't think anything will help me move on.
"Issy... Hange thinks you want me to move on. To heal or some bullshit. I don't think that's possible." I sigh, my head falling forward. "How could I?"
This is the only place I ever allow myself to show my feelings now. I don't let other people close anymore, so I don't feel comfortable around them. Hange and Erwin don't leave me alone... So, I guess they're closer to me than anyone else... But no one will ever be like Isabel and Farlan. They were my family.
"Isabel... Hange insisted I talk to you about this. I don't really want to. It doesn't do anyone any good... But it's not like you can hear me anymore. It's not like it will disgust your corpse."
Head. All that was left was her head. I feel sick at the thought.
"You're not here to be disgusted at me for being in love with you."
Isabel
I hug Levi tighter, my heart breaking. I do want him to move on. I want him to be happy in a way he had never truly been before.
That's probably too much to ask. Life has never been kind to him. It has never been kind to any of us.
"I love you too," I choke out, my shoulders shaking.
Being loved by Levi... I had known he loved me. I had never thought he needed me or was in love with me. I wish I had confessed to him while I was alive, but that's irony.
We both had thought the other would find it weird or gross if we loved them.
"Isabel."
I turn my head to see Farlan. He looks sad as he walks over to Levi and me.
"Farlan..." I turn my face into his shoulder as he hugs me. "It's not fair."
"It's not," he agrees, patting my head. "We won't be separated from him forever though. We'll see him again. We'll watch over him until then."
Levi
I stare down at my body, thoroughly disgusted. Consumption killed me. Of all the things that could have done me in, it was that. I shake my head. It's hard to grasp that my life is over. There's nothing left for me to fight.
"Levi!"
I turn around when I hear my name. I see a flash of red hair and then someone is in my arms. It takes me a moment to comprehend that Isabel is wrapped around me. I haven't seen her in so long... I slowly wrap my arms around her.
She feels solid.
"Issy?"
She pulls back and she looks at me with wide green eyes. I've missed those eyes. Throughout my life, I had never forgotten how vivid her hues were.
"I've always been here, Levi. I always tried to keep you safe. Farlan too. But we couldn't keep you safe from sickness." She laughs and rubs her head. "Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm so happy you're dead. I've missed you so much."
She's smiling so brightly. Her arms are around my shoulders. "What are you two? Stalkers?" I tease her, looking around for Farlan.
"Farlan is on the other side. He has a powerful spirit. He can walk between the Summerland and here." Isabel wrinkles her nose. "I can't. The Summerland is too tempting to resist when I'm there. So, I've taken to haunting you."
I blink slowly, trying to keep up with everything she's saying. "Issy..."
"Oh, I nearly forgot. I don't know if your feelings have changed or not, but I'm sick of waiting for you to hear me." Isabel's expression is suddenly determined.
She presses closer to me. Before I can fully process it, Isabel's lips are on mine, warm and solid. She's kissing me like she's afraid I'll push her off of me... But after decades living without her, I couldn't imagine pushing her away.
I pull her closer to me, kissing her with years of pent up emotions. All of the loss, anger, grief, regret, love, joy... All of it come out of me in that one kiss. I bury my fingers into her long red hair.
Someone clears their throat. I crack an eye open, looking at the person who interrupted us. Farlan's sky blue hues meet mine. He's the only person I wouldn't have killed. Can you kill a ghost?
Isabel reluctantly pulls away from me, looking annoyed. "Farlan, I've waited decades to return Levi's confession. You couldn't have waited two more minutes?"
"Return my confession?" I frown, tugging the redhead back into my arms.
"Don't tell me you forgot sitting at Issy's grave and telling her you love her." Farlan arches his brow. "Where's my hug?"
"You heard that?" I ignore Farlan.
"We were always there when you spoke to us." Isabel shrugs. "I love you too."
I stare down into forest green eyes, tempted to start kissing her again.
"We should get going to the Summerland. So many people are waiting for you, Levi. Your mother is there. She sent me. She also said something about not making her a grandma before she's seen you as a man. Which I don't understand because we're spirits. We can't have babies." Farlan shook his head.
Isabel laughs and presses her lips to mine again before dragging me over to Farlan.
"Hold on tight to me. It's a little hard to get there first without knowing the way." Isabel and Farlan grab my hands.
I'm never letting them go again. I need them both.
