#letters to samee

I’ve blogged about it a few times. You may see it appear in tags. Her name is Samee, she’s my best friend in the world. We act just like a couple. Even last night… Well, last night was bad actually. She was grouchy for some complicated, unrelated reason. So I took her phone and changed her password to my name. I thought it was funny, and kind of flirty and cute. She started throwing a fake tantrum, but I could tell it was because I know her that well. Idk how either… it’s just something I can do with her. I can basically read her mind. But when she found out the password she PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE. At that point I got mad so I left, because I won’t hit a girl. I try not to hit anyone, but I’d feel really bad if I hit a 110 lb little girl. Later she called me and apologized, saying she had only meant to play hit me, not do it for real. After that we got into her bed, cuddled and watched New Girl. We talked about what our future kids would look like. Then she asked me how sex worked. She’s a virgin, and I’m not so she wanted my ‘expertise’. Like I really know. I only did with one person, and I regret it every day of my life. Anyways. After all of that, she continues to say that she just wants to be friends. She’s talking to her abusive ex boyfriend again and… I just don’t know what to do!

So, if you have been following me for awhile... Well first of all congratulations. You've stuck through with me through a hell of a lot. I'm about to write quite the detailed summary of what I'm going through right now, and I'd appreciate any feedback or advice that you have. If you don't want to read all of it, here's a summary: my family is crap and my best friend broke my heart after I fell in love with her.

So let's start with the family, because that's where life starts. Mine is crap, though you wouldn't know it from the outside. We paint quite the lovely picture of a model christian lower middle class family. But it's an empty shell. It's a painted urn with death inside. My father is a porn/sex addict, is controlling and manipulative, and will make you feel utterly worthless. The worst part is, he makes you feel like you deserve it. He acts like he is perfect, but we all know that to be a lie. My mother had an affair and divorced him, and is a victimizing narcissist. I barely have a relationship with any of my 3 siblings, and extended family is just laughable. My father and mother both promised to stay single after their divorce, which finalized a year and a half ago. My father is now engaged. Even forgetting the fact that none of his children approve or accept this, 1.5 years is hardly enough time to recover from 24 years of marriage. But like I said before, he is a sex addict. He only cares about himself, and told me that it's now my fault if we don't have a relationship. HE'S MY FATHER. Isn't he supposed to be there for me no matter what? Like, family SUPPORTS each other. They don't just say 'screw you, it's my life go to hell'. That's basically what he told us though.

So there's that.

I locked my heart away in a chest,

To keep it safe from harm,

I hid it away from the rest,

As a tattoo on my arm,

Then you strolled into my life,

Unknowing the toll I’ve paid,

And without knowing gripped the knife,

That other people have laid,

So when I hand you the key,

To open a lock unknown,

Is it hard for you now to see,

What I’ve held all alone,

You are the beauty of my eye,

The stars and moon jealous of your smile,

If only they could light the sky,

They would shine all the while,

If you took a key to that chest,

Single yourself out from the rest,

Be careful what you find inside,

It's pretty late, so I'm going to keep it short tonight. I hope with all my heart that you can be happy. I want you to smile, even if I'm not putting it there. However, I'm not going to stay in pain. It seems obvious to me right now that you never had any intention of giving me a chance when we got here, you were just saying that in order to delay the inevitable. I have to say, that was cruel. If you didn't like me, you should have just said so. I hold to the belief that I would be the best for you, but it's not about that. It's about what you want. That's obviously not me, and I'll respect that. But I do have to say, Tomas isn't Mormon either. He isn't going to be sealed to you, so I don't know why you're crushing on him. 

Anyway. I'm going to bed now, tty tomorrow.

Goodnight my sweet

Dearest Samee.

I didn't know if I would pick up writing again when I got back from my trip. 3 weeks without any contact from anyone, especially you, really did a number on me. But I think it was also good for me. It allowed me to unplug and disconnect in order to really evaluate my life. I took a step back from everything and was able to evaluate things from a fresh perspective with I was so many thousands of miles away. It's strange, the things I would think of and miss. Country music, burgers, Matt. And honestly, the thing I thought of most often was you. Every night as I lay my head down on my pillow I would think of you. I would think of how much I admire you and enjoy your presence. I would also think about how cold you are to me. The fact that we are barely friends, and that my heart is held so recklessly in your hands. I began to resent the treatment I got... Well, resent isn't the right word. I became entempered at it. It's not kind, and I don't enjoy the lack of courage you show. I adore you as much as I have since the very beginning of summer, and you barely cast an eye towards me. The thing that frustrates me most is that you won't even tell me straightforwards what your feelings are. It was always "when we get to school". Well we are at school, and I want you. But instead, you gallivant on dates with Jordan still, with Tomas too. Then you develop a burgeoning crush on Tomas, and apologize to me for it. That was so confusing, as much as when you cuddled me. I'm not complaining, because I enjoyed it. You're cute, and I like being near you. But to tell me of your affections for another man, and then lay your head upon my shoulder and get as close to me as you were... You need to make up your mind. I'm not a desperate man. I'm kind, smart, and very attractive. I could woo any number of ladies with my attentions, but I do not because we have yet to clear up things between us and my heart will not allow it. You are perfection to me in my eyes, but you see it not. Oh how I wish you could. I have very little patience for games, and I won't play them so make up your mind soon. 

Goodnight my little one, my Samee.

Hey there sweet Samee,

First things first. If you ever say that I'm not manly again, I will never talk to you. Also. It does not make me unmanly to be open about my emotions. It's not my fault you're more emotionally constipated than an alcoholic running from a murderous life as a super spy. (Idk why I'm stuck on spies tonight. Maybe I just need to watch 007.) It allows me to deal with things, that you are unable to do. I'm a lot healthier emotionally than you, so, please. Don't insult me like that. Too many people buy into the typical, incorrect thought that guys should be closeted with their emotions. Turned off from the outside world. Seriously. It does not make me a girl just because I'm flippin honest. Like when I say you're beautiful. Other guys have an alternative motive. They want to get into your pants and sleep with you. You would have no idea about that though, because they are so hidden from you. I'm open about everything. I called you, incredibly upset about a huge fight with my dad. When I say huge, I mean that there are things that I haven't talked to about with him EVER that got brought up. That he's a horrible father, that our family is broken and not even a family (I've seen love in a home, especially yours. It's missing here). We talked about the divorce, about his new girlfriend, about scripture and his blatant disregard for what is in black and white. I have no respect for a man who will look at scripture and just ignore what is there just because he doesn't like it. I was really upset about that. Honestly, that was a big deal that you threw that into my face. I was really putting myself on a line and trusting you, and you burned me. So, thanks for that. I was going to miss you a lot, but that made this trip quite a bit easier. I might be being a bit dramatic, and I probably am because I'm still upset about that fight. When I say we fought, you have to understand that in this house, we don't. In yours, you do a lot, (and btw, I've always been there for you when you were upset. Way to drop the ball.) but in mine we don't. We never fight, and we hardly ever even disagree because Dad is so controlling. We are barely even able to have an opinion of our own. So yeah, I understand what you're going through when they are that controlling with you. 

Now that I've expressed that part of the spectrum in my letter, I can move on. I look forward to seeing you at training, and all the possibilities that presents. I hope you are able to open your eyes and see me for who I am again. You saw it once, you can do it again. I pray that your heart can be opened, and that potentiality will come to fruition. But I'm not holding my breath.

OH! The movie was fun. Not sure if it was the first time I've seen it, but it was good.

Your 'Sparky',

Well, I'm now entering my last full day in America. I'm excited and terrified. I can't believe it's finally come! I'm going to leave all my friends behind for a terrific adventure and be totally alone for a complete 3 weeks in an entirely different continent. Who am I kidding? I'm scared out of my mind about this. I'm going to miss you so much, and I won't be able to talk to any one that I know, and it's just going to be awful. I'm so afraid. Then I might come back, and everything will be different. My friends won't be around anymore, you won't be flirty because you have issues with distance and commitment, and I may not be going to training. Did I make the wrong decision in choosing this over my SA position? :/ 

No. I can't think like that. Don't let my fears control my thoughts. My friends will still like me, and we will visit each other. This year could finally be the year that I make friends at college, especially if I hang out with you. You're so friendly and kind, people are always attracted to you. I'm sure a couple of them will end up liking me. I'm a pretty great guy after all, not just in romance. I am smart, morally strong, I can be wise, and hey- I'm pretty good looking. Sorry, I just gave myself a pep talk in the middle of my letter to you. How embarrassing! 

Anyway, to the relevance of today. I have poison ivy. IT SUCKS I'M SO ITCHY. I'm trying really hard not to get it in my eyes. How badly would that suck? I took a few antihistamines hoping it would go away since it's technically an allergic reaction, and I'm going to cover it up with caladryl before I head to bed. I had hoped that going swimming with Danielle and Katie would dry it out a bit, but that didn't seem to help. It was a ton of fun though! So even if it didn't work on my arm, I don't regret that decision whatsoever. 

I haven't heard back about training, so I may not be able to make it. Try not to miss me too much while I'm gone. 

By the way, if I haven't told you recently... you are the most beautiful woman I have ever had the pleasure to lay eyes on. You eyes are a deep brown pool that I could melt into, your smile lights up a room like a sunrise over two blossoming cherry fields. When they part, a joyous chorus erupts when you grace a tune. God created you special, simply so that he could listen to you sing his praises with that wonderful voice. I saved the best for last, because what can I even say about your laugh that the great poets haven't already penned? Like bells ringing, like the cherubim singing. It could cause an angel to fall, just to hear that sound. 

And those my dear, are the reasons why you are beautiful.

Goodnight,