It’s one of those days again, you know? That you were on my mind the whole day. Some days I could control it. I would just keep myself busy with work and working out and playing video games when I’m bored. But today? I don’t feel like doing anything. Just.. Think of you.

This quarantine is making me crazy day by the day. Just the thought of not having you around to talk to and to hold on to makes me more crazy by the minute. I just hope this quarantine ends soon enough so I can be with you again.. If you want me to, that is.

It just makes me sad that I couldn’t help you do these outreach programs you’ve been organizing during the quarantine. You’re out there helping out a lot of our frontliners, and I’m here, fucking stuck at home because all the roads are closed. I feel so helpless just sitting here and doing nothing. I couldn’t do anything but to admire you.. and be proud of you.. from afar. It’s funny. We live only 36 kilometers away from each other, but it feels like you’re thousands away from me. This distance is killing me, so bad.

I’m sorry. For all the things I’ve done. For being weak and helpless. This quarantine helped think of a lot of things. And I’ll do my best to make it up to you. I hope after all this you’d still see me.. You’d still want to be with me. I feel so paranoid thinking about what is going on through your life everyday. I just wish and hope that you think of me too. And I hope you think of me after this quarantine ends and you’d want to be with me too.

Because I’m so afraid of being forgotten. Especially you.

I was actually avoiding looking at your photos for the longest time now since we've been apart. And today, I saw a photo of you. You look so happy and radiant and beautiful as ever. I was kinda envious because I couldn't get to spend those moments with you anymore the way you spend it with your friends. I really wish I could be with you someday, somehow. I really miss you a lot. For sure, even just a glance of you in person will make me melt.

It's been a week now. We haven't been talking since then. I miss you, I really do. But I have to restrain myself from talking to you since you really want space away from me. I know you're still furious, but I couldn't do anything about it anymore.

It's been raining non-stop today. These are the days where I feel even more depressed. I should be cuddling with you right now. I should be drinking hot chocolate with you or sipping some crab & corn soup with you right now.. but I couldn't do anything about it.

I wanted to text you today. I just wanted to ask you how you've been doing these past few days. I wanted to let you know I think about you all the time. I wanted to know if you're safe and all.. and happy. Because... Here I am, being miserable without you. I couldn't hide it anymore. I guess my officemates noticed it so they started asking me about it and I felt even more shitty just recalling the moments that happened on that fateful night.

Anyway, I don't really want to ramble and all. I know you're busy with work and taking care of your doggies. But yeah. I think about you all the time. I miss you every second of my life. And I am sorry for everything. I don't even know if you're reading this, but fuck it.

I've been feeling down lately. Feeling like the sky fell down upon me and all that shitty metaphors. I mean, who wouldn't feel this way if the one you fell in love with for the past 4 years.. left you?

So, it's been a week now. I could still remember how it all happened. The day when you thought nothing could go wrong. Everything was perfect. That day was perfect. But I couldn't get that gut feeling inside of me that something else will happen. I guess, it's true that if you get too happy on something, you will get the equal amount of the opposite. The rule of equivalent exchange.

At the end of the day.. You and I fought. Exchanged hurtful words. I ended up shouting at you and you know I didn't mean it.. But, I snapped. Everything went black and I just blurted those words out. I lost my breath and then I went out for a drive at 2am in the morning. I thought I'd find the answers when I get to be alone. I did realize some things, but not all..

Until now.

So, I've been going out alone for a week now. Going to places we have been and we could've gone to. Thinking and asking myself, "Where did I go wrong?" and "What happened to me?" But it's somehow clear now..

I remember you saying you don't know what else to do to me; how to support me; how to take care of me. I should've seen it by then, but no. I was blinded by my anger. I should've listened to you. I should've learned to stand on my own; to help myself up, because not all the time you're going to be there on my side. I've been fucking complaining all the time on how I couldn't get a fucking job when I'm not even doing a thing about it. I have always been pessimistic, always being realistic. Always thinking ahead, but not in a good way. I always think on what will happen if this fails, and then I give up without even trying. I couldn't even make a man out of me. Then how am I supposed to take care of you?

I know you're going to read this somehow, and I don't know when. I just want to tell you that you're an amazing person. The most amazing person I've ever met, and I am honored that you made me a part of your life. And now I feel really embarrassed for the way I treated you; for not being the guy you would want our future family to have. And I'm sorry for realizing all of this just now.. Now that you left me. But, I don't want to be a burden to you anymore. I don't want to hold you back anymore. I want you to succeed in life, because you have high hopes. You have ambitions.. I don't want to be a hindrance anymore. You deserve a better life. A better man. Who would know how to take care of you and support you in all your dreams. And hopefully, someone who would love you more than I did, even though that is impossible..

And lastly, I promise you that I'm going to be better in everything I'm good at. I'll do my best to get a stable job, a stable business, and a stable mind. I'll always think positively in life and do my best in everything. I'm not going to be scared anymore. I will not let opportunities pass me by again. And someday, you will see the way you molded me into becoming a better person. And maybe someday, I can be that man you truly deserve.