Letters to myself: Letter 5
Well I'm taking day by day, and I honestly DO NOT understand the concept of "time heals all wounds" like, uh noooo, it very well does no such fucken thing. It gets worse. A shitload worse. Ive gone these past weeks with little to no sleep. Weight mostly down. Therapist appointments and nasty meds that at the end make me feel worse. They're suppose to help with my panic attacks. Buuuut....I still fucken panic! Ill blank out randomly and next thing you know, I'm hitting myself in the face repeatedly. I'm not sure if its from my lack of sleep and I'm just delirious, or if my brain cant take my own thoughts and I start beating myself to feel anything but what I'm feeling inside. My eye sockets have been sore for weeks... I made a brand new Instagram profile, and ditched the old one. Keeping myself on private, my name not popping out anywhere, no picture of myself as the little icon. I went invisible mode. Yet, yesterday morning, I woke up to a friend request from him (that he took back by the way). And I ran to the bathroom to throw up. WHY. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING. He seems very happy. From what I've heard he's posting and what she is posting as well. They have been an official couple for almost a month now. With the whole "mcm/wcw" stupid post they have going on. Which makes me think, WHO ARE YOU!? SINCE WHEN ARE YOU THIS MUSHY ASS MAN!? YOU LOATH SHIT LIKE THAT! WE WOULD MAKE FUN OF LAME ASS COUPLES WHO PULLED SHIT LIKE THAT. AND NOOOOW YOURE ONE OF THOSE FUCKEN PEOPLE? GOD YOURE SUCH A FUCKEN PRICK! I'm sorry, he's not. I just don't know who he is anymore.. I dreamt about him last night. That somehow I ended up close to him, I could smell his skin, feel his chest hair against my cheek. And even though I did reach for his dick in the dream, it wasn't sexual at all. I was just so happy to FEEL him in my hand. His hair smelled like sleep. He was naked, as he always is when he sleeps, and god I felt like I was laying down next to an angel. He spoke to me, of course it was all things I wanted to hear, sort of...he told me how much he missed the way I held him, (he liked being the little spoon) I caressed him as much as I could. I've been with women before, and I enjoy the human body of both sexes. So I will always admire and caress a body like a man would to a woman's. I loved his hips, his shoulders, his butt, and id die and come back to life every time I touched his stomach. I always told him it felt like I was floating, all alone in a quiet still ocean. And I felt all that last night. I asked him to stay with me, he told me no. And I just cried on his chest while I held him. It was the worst dream I have ever had... 4am, and I woke up in a sweat, I couldn't even cry. I felt like I had died then and there, in that dream. I rolled over, took my pill and laid in bed till my alarm rang. I still feel dead now.











