Dear Mom, 

Hi, I’m your son Tucker. You gave me up when I was only three days old. I don’t know if you remember that but I was only 72 hours old when you decided that you didn’t want me. Or maybe you had it made up in your mind before that and just stayed because you had to. Whatever the case is, I searched my whole life for you. And up until recently I was still searching. I traveled up and down the East Coast as soon as I turned 18. I never truly had a home, foster famililes never seemed to keep me long and the one who did had their own children and no longer needed me. I always wondered if one day you’d just show up. Each birthday that was my only wish. That you’d come find me, come back and tell me that you only left me so you could go make a life for us and then when you were ready for me bring me home. But that day never came so I figured I’d go find you so that we could be a family together. Ask you why you never came or what your life was like. Get answers and maybe try to build a relationship with you then. I ran for so long Mom. I’ve always been running I think. Chasing people away and searching for you. Following bread crumbs like the kids in books did to lead me back to you, wherever you were. All I had was the photo of you holding me with your name and date on the back. It was our only photo of us. How come I wasn’t worth taking more of those? Was I really not worth knowing? 

All of that doesn’t matter now, because I’m going to get to right your wrong and do for someone else what you couldn’t for me. I’m going to be a father- a parent- and my child will never have to know how it feels to be unwanted. How it felt to be put out like unwanted garbage hoping someone else would just come and take it away. I will be there for it all. Every cry, every diaper, every sporting event, late night sitting at the table helping with math homework, all of it. Because not having you or knowing you made me realize what kind of person I’ve been trying to chase. Someone who was okay with missing all of that. And I don’t think I want to know that person. Because if you walked away before what is stopping you from doing it again? There is so much that I want to say. So many things that have happened that I want to tell you about. How I met this girl who changed my life. How I fell in love with her and she helped me to find clues to lead to you. How. I chased you instead of staying with her and ended up hurting someone who chose me and not left me. How I rebuilt, learned how to forgive myself and met other people who chose me. How I for the first time in my life I don’t want to run. I know that running doesn’t solve your problems it create even more. I met friends here, some who have felt like family. The family I was robbed of having. But I don’t hate you mom. I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry you’ll never know the joy of knowing me. Or knowing your grandchild. I feel sorry that you don’t get to me Caroline or Maggie or Beck or the mother of my child- Blue. These people changed my life in a way that filled the void that you left. And I know you don’t think about me, or plan to come find me. But if you ever want to. Please don’t. I’m okay here, I’m happy here and I have a family and soon someone who I will be responsible for. So wherever you are.. I hope you found a happiness that you were looking for. Because I know I did.