#letter 24

And there goes another month of this new decade. Time doesn’t fly, it seems to me. Rather it plays tricks on us. It’s like a naughty child. Out of no malicious intent it causes us such agony and will perhaps never even stop. And it isn’t always agony is it? A lot of the times it’s just mere confusion or amusement.  To me, the last two months haven’t been bad or good. They have just been. What about you?

Reading your answers, and also being at the end of The Love Project, I think I’ve realised one thing about love. Nobody can ever love you 100% at 100% of the time. We humans just don’t work that way. We simply aren’t built that way. The moments I have felt absolutely loved have definitely seen a trend – the people are usually my family and closest of friends. But then there have also been acquaintances, co-workers and strangers. However, I have never felt loved in the exact same way twice. Not by the exact same person, anyway. But that doesn’t matter because I am grateful for the love I have received and it makes me work towards loving myself too.

And as you described love… “But with love you can be strong, weird, funny and sad at the same time. It’s like drowning in a complete save space.” It is, isn’t it? The strongest I have ever been are for and with those that I love. The weakest I have ever been are with and because of those that I love. I’m weird with everyone but I can only be funny with those close to me. And sad. Gosh, I can only ever really be sad with those close to me. With others I am the personification of everything happy and light. It’s not pretending or a lie. It’s who I am, yes but it’s not the only way I am.

You’re also right about how most people don’t experience love at all. That’s truly a sad thing. I would want to believe that everyone experiences love in some form at some point in their life because I can’t imagine human beings living this life without it, but what do I know? I can’t speak for others and I can’t use a blanket statement just to comfort myself.

You know, I always envied, still do, people who have cool grandparents who they are close with. Since I neither have cool grandparents nor those that care about me, I always felt this lack of some form of fundamental love. I’m sorry to hear that you lost your grandmother but it does make me happy to know that you shared such a beautiful relationship with her. And you’ll always have that. It won’t be the same, of course, but you’ll always have something so beautiful to hold on to.

I have never been to a musical but I looked up ‘Next to Normal’ and it definitely sounds interesting! Intense, too. I don’t remember the last time I went to a party. I think it was in 2018 and it was a work one. The music was too loud, the guys were too pushy and the food was alright. I believe I was the first one to leave that night. I would like to have a party, a house party, with the best food, the best wine and my best people. But for that I will need them to be in the same city and I am still looking for the best wine out there! So I think that will take some time. I do hope though that you keep going to awesome parties where you continue being the last one to leave because you’re having that much fun!

What do you like about parties anyway? Is it the people or the alcohol or the dancing or is there a primary element of partying that I am missing out on? I am so tempted to queue in the whole thing about how I am that person who would rather be at home with a good book and Chinese takeout than go to a party but I won’t. Lol, sorry, I see I already have! I think for me, I just haven’t ever been to the right party with the right people. And I am 23. Am I missing out on something major?

When I read that you’re 21, in my head I went like ‘sameeeee’ but of course that’s factually incorrect. I turned 23 last year though I feel stuck at 21, the year I got done with college and started working. Life ever since after that has been a ride that I can’t quite get a grip on. I laugh it off with my friends and we label it as the woes of “adulting” but when I’m alone it scares me to think that the best years of my life are gone. Now there’s just being a corporate slave, a target of capitalism and living a sad life where I am never enough. I apologise if this letter has a melancholic tone to it. I just wanted to be myself as I wrote it and not fabricate something inauthentic.

I hope your life, and adulting, is more fun at least! I mean everything can be written off as okay as long as you had fun while doing it. So, let’s raise our glasses filled with whatever we love to drink – I’m not one for alcohol so I’ll pick iced coffee – and clink them to our roaring twenties. Let them be fun and rememberable!

Lots of love and hope, Nikki

I wrote this letter for Viv based on some questions they answered. You can read the questions and their answers here.

Guys - I have received 29 people’s responses for The Love Project - 29 days of love letters. So I won’t be accepting anymore, however, you can read other letters here.