#ler writes

It was their job to see everything the others couldn’t, especially in a firefight. Naturally, Jess was the only one who saw the bearded fuck with a bat sneaking up on Grace across the way, too focused on picking off shouting peggies below while the Deputy ran through and liberated prisoners. She could put an arrow between his eyes easily, but there was no time to line up her shot. She hesitated - briefly - before her fear of losing Grace for certain overtook the fear of potentially losing her to stupid feelings.

“Shit, Grace, there’s a peggie fuck behind you!” She didn’t even have to shout anything else before the sniper whipped around and slammed the butt of her rifle into the man’s jaw, and took advantage of his brief disorientation to whip out her pistol and shoot him point blank.

Grace really was her soulmate - no other person could make her want to use a gun.

There was no time to discuss this revelation in the chaos that followed - obviously. It was better that way - Grace found Jess sitting alone on a hill under the cover of night, when words seemed to come to both of them a little easier. Grace didn’t say anything at first, just came up beside her and stood there, both of them staring off into the trees. Jess fleetingly thought comfortable silence could be enough.

“So,” Grace started (dammit). There was a slight quirk to her lips as she started to unwrap the flag from her neck, and even with her skin in shadow, Jess could make out her chicken scratch handwriting winding around it like the world’s worst tattoo choker. “You certainly made for an interestin’ mystery.”

“Oh.” Jess diverted her gaze to her knees, digging her fists further into the pockets of her hoodie. “Sorry. Must’ve been awkward for a kid.”

“My mom didn’t like it, that’s for sure. She had me wear a scarf or long-necked shirts all the time - wasn’t great in the summer, but I got used to it.” Jess gave her the barest hint of a smile as she began to rub at her arm. Finding one’s soulmate was branded as a life-changing event, something beautiful and profound, and all she could manage was stilted small talk. Funny how a few minutes before, she thought things could be approaching perfect - fuck, was this what love felt like all the time? Was it love?

“I guess this whole thing is why you were avoidin’ me.” Grace knew damn well the burden of the conversation was on her, and she was stepping up, like she always did. Jess’s first instinct was to defend herself, but there was no point - it was the truth, plain as day.

“You know me.” She drew her knees even closer to her chest. “I’m not good at dealin’ with stuff like that.”

“You’re not the only one.” Grace sighed, taking a knee so they could be eye-level. “This… I’m not-- goddammit.” Jess blinked; Grace never tripped up on her words. She never said anything before she had fully formulated it in her mind, never wasted time on words she didn’t mean, or didn’t know how to say. They were both in uncharted territory - it didn’t make Jess feel leagues better, but it certainly helped a bit. “You know I’d never force you into anything you didn’t want. Fuck, I don’t even know what I want.”

“Yeah.” Jess scratched at her bottom lip with her thumb, letting out a sigh of her own. “...Yeah.”

“You wanna tell me what you’re thinking?”

Jess had to snort at that - because she did. “Shit’s crazy. It’s hard enough losin’ people on our side. You know… friends and shit.” She spit out the word like something sour; Grace’s answering chuckle spurred her on. “I’ve felt enough pain from losin’ my family like that, Grace. I don’t wanna know what--” She stopped herself, not only because she was baring her soul in a way she wasn’t used to. There was no turning off these feelings, and she’d had them for months ever since Grace spoke to her for the first time. Whether or not they did something about this soulmate business, the feelings would always be there, and would die with her. “I… maybe it’s not all about that. It’s a big fuckin’ reason, but-- shit, I hate this.”

“Nah, I think I get you.” Grace tilted her head to the side, watching Jess steadily. “Vulnerability. It’s a bitch.” Jess scoffed in affirmation - leave it up to her to be able to put it so plainly. They lapsed into silence again, though now the air hung heavy - though whether it was due to all that was said, or unsaid, Jess certainly didn’t fucking know.

“I’m not stupid enough to intentionally put myself in danger.” Grace spoke up again after a few minutes, smirking over at her. “But with these words, I was tempted a few times over the years.”

“Didn’t know you put that much stock into soulmates.”

She shrugged - though Jess could swear her cheeks flushed a bit. “Sometimes. I don’t know if you’re religious at all, but we’re taught that God himself has a hand in pickin’ em. They’re made for you - and once you find them you’ll be whole.” She sighed, taking off her cap and setting it down behind her. “Not that I felt I wasn’t whole without them - you - but it was a comforting thought during the rougher days of my deployment. Made me feel like I had another reason to make it back, aside from my pops and just wanting to see Hope County again.”

Jess just nodded, staring off into space. She was born with the name of her soulmate right there on her arm, not to mention her future life’s dedication. Thinking of herself back then, full of hope and anticipation, dreaming of the Grace who’d pay her the most important compliment of her entire life… it was like watching someone else’s home movies. Her soulmate wasn’t a comfort to her when everything went to shit - how could she rely on someone who was otherwise nebulous, regardless if they were unknowingly right under her nose? Depending on someone like that only spelled danger, and Jess thought she knew better.

It was odd, now, to be thinking of all that again with Grace right next to her. There was no one better to rely on, all things considered, but she had already been doing so enough. As teammates, Jess only needed her as much as everyone else did, if at all. Did she want it to mean more?

Shit, overthinking was so unlike her. So was talking this out - maybe they could once this was all over, when no one was left to aim and fire at, when all there was to do when they weren’t rebuilding was to talk and try at something. Right now, the only thing Jess had the balls to do was shift ever so closer to Grace, take her hand out of her pocket, and set it on the grass between them in silent invitation.

Grace didn’t take long to notice. “You sure?”

Jess rolled her eyes. “Just… come on.”

Grace watched her for a moment before brushing her fingers over Jess’s, gripping them loosely. “I’m glad it’s you, y’know. I don’t want you doubtin’ that.”

Honestly, Jess’s thoughts weren’t far off from going down that dark ‘oh fuck, she didn’t even want it to be someone like me, she deserves someone not so fucked up’ road before she said that. “I’m glad it’s you, too.” Jess was struck by Grace’s answering smile, never having seen a warmer one on her face. She wouldn’t mind getting to see that smile again.

“You know I’m here for you.” God, Jess nearly laughed - did all soulmates think about the same thing within minutes of each other, or just them? “Not that I wasn’t before--”

“No, I know. That’s just who you are.” There was that smile again. Maybe, just maybe, Jess could make a habit out of getting to show up more. The fact that she even wanted to was proof as to how crazy feelings were.

“And you’re there for me, huh?” Grace chuckled, squeezing her hand. “Maybe that’s all we need this to be.”

Now that the words are out there, Jess figured it’d be ideal. They could go on as “normal”, even when everything changed. They wouldn’t be distracted from fighting the good fight, they wouldn’t get shit from the others, and a relationship couldn’t be used against them. But the weight of Grace’s hand around hers was a comforting one - comfort she’d forgotten. She couldn’t forget about her smile, either.

“Maybe.” Jess couldn’t stop staring at her, eyes tracing over every inch of Grace’s worn but beautiful face - she wouldn’t even chastise herself for thinking that. Grace stared back at her, brow knit in concern, but reached out anyway to smooth some of Jess’s wild hair from out of her eyes, palm caressing her cheek as she did so. That touch alone set her nerves abuzz - she didn’t know if she could handle anymore affection ever. Grace sensed her discomfort and immediately pulled her hand away - but relaxed a bit at the small-but-still-obvious look of disappointment that Jess’s expression twisted into.

“We don’t have to decide anything now - don’t even have to talk about it now. We can just keep sittin’ next to each other ‘til we’re needed.” She watched Jess carefully for any sign of protest, then turned back to the sky, pulling her hand away until the tips of their fingers were just barely touching. Jess could feel the release of tension in the air around them, but she still found herself frozen for a few seconds. She was right - this didn’t have to be an immediate conversation, because she trusted Grace enough to keep both of them alive until they were in a better situation. Finding their “better half” didn’t magically fix the issues of two women damaged by violence and loss.

They were already getting up from the chair by the time Tammy came in, blinking repeatedly at the sight of Rook already raring to go. “Any problems?”

“No, out like a light. Listen though, I should really get going, I just wanted to–”

“Hey.” Tammy stepped forward, gripping Rook’s wrist. “Eli knows this wasn’t your fault. Getting to wake up to you would help.”

Rook swallowed hard, gaze drifting down to the floor. “Would it?”

“Yes.” She huffed, shaking her head as she released them. “Look, do what you want - I get how hard this is. But at least he’s still alive. He’s right here, and he’s going to be okay. You can’t avoid him forever - unless you really want to break his heart.” She gave them a hard look before turning to leave, shutting the door behind her. As expected, the force of it caused him to stir, and Rook scrambled to sit back down and just let their worst fears come true. After all, weren’t they broken already?

Eli didn’t say anything when his eyes first opened, darting around and adjusting to their surroundings. As he tried to sit up, Rook instinctively reached out and adjusted his pillows. To their surprise, he chuckled as he struggled, until he was upright enough to be comfortable. “It’s alright, it’s alright, gotta be able to do it on my own sooner or later.” When he finally turned his full attention on them, his breath left him in a sudden, audible whoosh. “Hey.”

Rook bit their bottom lip. “Hey.”

He nodded slowly, a question in his mind seemingly answered. “I’ve heard bits and pieces about what went down at Jacob’s bunker with your friend Pratt. Think he even came by to visit me once - now there’s someone who needs to be resting.”

Rook cracked the barest hint of a smile over what popped into their head. You’ll get out of that bed over my dead body. They kept their mouth shut, though - not exactly tactful to put it in terms like that. It wasn’t tactful to be here at all, they reminded themself. “He’ll be fine. You both will.”

“But will you be, Rook?” He sighed. Rook almost laughed - even in the state he was in, he was still able to see right through them. “Are you fine?”

“What do you think?” Their voice came out shakier than they could control. “You’re here because of me. And yeah, Jacob did this, whatever - that doesn’t change that it was me.”

He didn’t have the energy to debate them - they knew that. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to do what he could - stubborn bastard. “I should have known better, alright? I shouldn’t have just–” He had to take a break, catch his breath and organize his thoughts in the jumbled mess his mind must have been. “Whatever Jacob did… playing one lousy ‘deconditioning’ tape wasn’t going to undo all that bullshit. And all those times you disappeared… I could have–”

Rook’s instincts took over and they grabbed his hand, bringing it up to their face. “We both could’ve done things differently.” Tentatively, they brushed their lips over his knuckles. “But it’s in the past, and you’ve gotta relax.”

“You’re right. It is.” He took their other hand, rubbing his thumb over their tendons. “So… I’m hoping you won’t run away again when I tell you I don’t blame you.”

Rook breathed in shakily, wishing they had a hand free to quickly wipe away the tears that were gathering in their eyes. “I want to.”

Eli let out a long sigh, a sigh that must have been born of years of tension and strife. “I know. I don’t blame you for that, either.”

He wasn’t as convincing this time. Rook wanted so badly to be honest - to tell him they couldn’t look at his face for too long without seeing it frozen in pain, couldn’t feel his skin without remembering how cold it had become, couldn’t go to sleep without being haunted by his fearful ‘no no no don’t shoot!’. And they would, one day, because their relationship would certainly no longer have a future if they couldn’t be honest. But these weren’t the sort of things Eli needed to hear when he was on the mend. What he needed was love, patience, and for Rook to be there.

And they’d be damned if they couldn’t at least try.

They get up from the chair only so they could lean over and kiss him gently, both hands still in his grasp. “As much as I want to leave, I want to stay more.”

He squeezed their hands with as much strength as he could muster - not much, but it was something. “I’ll take it.”