Various mentioned characters here belonging to @corneille-but-not-the-author , @soupedepates , @thal-ent , @hel-phoenyx and @azeler
The following text contains domestic abuse and references to suicide.
It started with a storm. Yet when I lowered the spyglass, the sun was shining high in the sky, irritating my eyes and skin. It still does as I rest my arms over the boat guardrail.
“Are you sulking, Leo?”
I glare at Kalerich. His little remarks are really starting to piss me off.
“I'm taking a break. And I'd appreciate if you didn't pollute it with unwarranted comments.”
“Well someone sure is in a bad mood.”
Maybe I wouldn’t be if this hadn't turned out to be such a disappointing turn of events. The duel started off great, Brynja got the advantage surprisingly quick, despite the storm raging on louder and louder.
Then he unleashed the Carnage. Fascinating magic, really. But that's when I knew Brynja wouldn’t make it. Even I wouldn't be able to fight this off, so how could she?
It would have been handy if she had killed Kaizarz, but it was unlikely from the start. If I could at least see the monster he really hid, what really lurks inside… If I could see with my own eyes that this oh-so benevolent monarch isn’t so benevolent after all…
But then they stepped in. The other four, those little pests, barging into a fight that wasn’t theirs to win. Domhildr and Tyrfing’s first intervention was nearly useless, but of course even Oli and Meili had to get involved.
A hug, a few words I couldn’t hear, and it was over. Just like that.
Why? Why were you so intent on bringing him back?
He threw your friend on the floor and knocked her out. He crushed Brynja’s throat. He damaged your boat. He would have killed you. He broke the hand you weakened just so he could.
You saw it.
Yet you pulled him back into his mask. Into some fake, meek version of himself. Why?
Why does he get to be pulled back into himself, why does he get forgiveness after everything he did, even though he has nothing to give?
Why does he get all of this, and I didn’t? Who stopped me when I needed it?
No one. There was no one to fight off the monster. There's no one to stay if they don’t have anything to gain or if there is no fear to keep them in place, no one.
Because I made it so no one cared.
…
Jealous, Leonova?
No. Not at all.
It's only a brief respite. The monster is bound to come back anyway.
Not everyone is like you.
Shut up. Shut up.
What infuriates me too is how they still healed Brynja after she hurt their king, after she stabbed him in the back, after she almost doomed them all. And how they didn't let me get her. I could have healed her. I could have healed her throat. But she didn’t looked like she wanted it.
… That, I can understand. I've seen what the sirens do. Even I wouldn't stoop that low.
But what’s the point of being free if it's to end up like this? Voiceless? Powerless?
I already know that she won’t come back to me. Not even for protection. She’ll go back to the Kraken Coast and I'll be left with nothing gained from this.
All those years on my ship, and I didn't even get to say goodbye.
That doesn’t matter. She was a tool. An asset. You would have gotten rid of her, eventually.
Right.
You won’t miss her, will you?
No. That’s fine. No one stays, anyway.
It didn't mean anything.
Rescuing Brynja didn't mean anything.
Losing against Tyrfing didn’t mean anything.
Sleeping with Domhildr didn’t mean anything.
Dancing with Oli didn't mean anything.
None of it matters, none of it.
Ungrateful. All of them.
My eyes hurt.
“I’m going back to my cabin.”
I start to walk away, Kalerich grabs my wrist. Gods, what now?
“I can see you're sad, Leo, don’t just walk away. There's no point in trying to hide it from me.”
Stop. Stop it. I’m not sad. I am not. I’m angry, and pissed, and frustrated, I'm certainly not sad.
“Let go of me, Kal.”
“Leo-”
Stop. Stop pretending you care. You wouldn't even stay with me if I didn't force you to. And you never stopped me from doing what I do. You have no right to look at me this way.
I tear myself away from his grip and start walking down to the inside of the ship. I hear his footsteps behind me.
Why won’t you give up
He grabs me by the sleeve.
Why aren’t you
“Leo, please, could you just-”
Gone
“I said let go of me!!”
My hand flies.
I blink and there’s four scratches across his cheek. Blood trickles down his face. His eyes have widened a little.
Who hurt him? Who dared?
I did.
No. No. No. He’s my brother. He’s all I have left. I can’t… I shouldn't… I would never…
I can feel his blood under my nails.
“Kal… Kal, I’m…”
Are you happy now?
There's no way he’ll stay after this.
No, no, this isn’t what I want, it isn’t-
I try to wipe the blood away. He grimaces. He’s in pain. I hurt him.
You’re not careful enough. You weren’t careful with Misha either.
Kalerich wouldn't leave me. Not like that.
You didn't think she'd do it either, did you? How many times have you checked his room for a rope under the bed?
If you keep this up, the noose will tighten around his neck too.
And you'll be truly alone.
There's tears on my face.
“I’m sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry-”
“Leonova.”
He gently takes my hand and pulls me towards him, wraps his arms around me.
“It's fine. I’m all good. It’s nothing. You’re just upset. You didn't do it on purpose.”
… He’s right. I didn’t mean it.
“Don’t cry. I’m not going anywhere.”
I hug him back. Right. He's not leaving. Because we're siblings and siblings stick around for each other.
Which is why you need to bring her back and fix your mistake.
Kalerich holds me wordlessly for several minutes before letting me go.
“When do you want to leave, Leo?”
“... Tomorrow. I’m sick of this place.”
“Okay. You go rest. I’ll go tell the crew.”
“... Kal?”
“Yes?”
“You're not going to leave me. Right?”
“No. Never.”
He smiles at me.
Isn’t that smile a bit cramped?
Must be my imagination.
“Until death do us part, right?”
Yes. Until death do us part. Only then will we be free of each other.
The mere idea terrifies me.
He lets me go.
“Go lay down. I'll be right back.”
He walks back out, and I get to bed. It’s fine. I'm just tired. Maybe I've overexerted myself. It's not worth getting worked up about a bunch of strangers, is it?
History may sing their names, but I won't. They're not worth remembering.
The only names you need to remember are theirs. Your mother. Your sister. Your family.
I think about Domhildr. About the customs so dear to her. I remember the nursery rhyme some of the fairy sailors would sing. To remember the dead. Always remember the dead.
But I don't want to remember.
I want them back.
Screw those nursery rhymes. Screw their stupid passiveness.
I’ll overcome that death you’re so afraid of.
In the meantime, I need to forget you. All of you. And your stupid faces.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I was expecting Kaizarz Laangfisk to be cross with me. After all, I roped in his little friends into a high-stakes bet and one of them spent the night with me, and it'd be surprising if he didn't know my activities apply to a much broader scope than mere piracy.
Nonetheless, being grabbed by the neck and thrown on the ground sure was a surprise. My lip is bleeding. My throat aches. How long has it been since someone landed a hit on me, let alone made me bleed?
Ha. No matter how impressive, it’s still a childish reaction. Act rashly when someone touches your weakness the first time and they’ll know exactly where to aim the next. Someone in power should always know that, but we’re talking about a bunch of rowdy teenagers here, and he’s the worst of them all. Kings, Tyrants, Heroes, Emperors, they may look different but none of them are as hard to understand as they think.
No, the rash part isn't so surprising. The look in his eyes when he grabbed me, however…
Those were one of the coldest pair of eyes I’d ever seen.
And I've seen a lot of those.
At least his eyes looked at you. Father never cared enough to.
That doesn’t matter. It’s exactly as I thought. This boy has something boiling inside him. Something rotten. His friends didn't notice because it wasn’t turned towards them, because using it against me isn’t so bad, who needs humanity when it's a monster you’re against, but I'm curious of how they'll react when he'll face off against Brynja. Gods, I wish I could be there to see it.
I get up, slowly, wiping the blood from my face as an uncontrollable smile forms on my lips.
“Well, you won’t need me much, anyway. After all, you'll be the conductor of your own downfall.”
Something changes in his face.
A shiver runs down my spine. Twice in two days. Impressive.
Something liquid and viscous wraps slowly itself up my leg. I don’t need to look to know it’s his blood.
One wrong word. One wrong word, and my head will roll, or so his eyes seem to say. But he can’t do that. Not while they're still stuck in this port, not while they still need my money to get out.
Because they want to get out. They want to run away. What are you sailing away from, Kaizarz Laangfisk ? It's a shame I can’t see that journey come to completion, really. But he won't kill me.
Won't he?
…
I’m not stupid enough to provoke him again, so I simply stand there and wait for him to retract his spell, which he does. The warning has been received, no point in dawdling now. So I simply wave them goodbye with a smile before turning away.
You’re going to run? Just like that? Like you lost?
Of course not.
I relinquish control. Oh, not for long, just a split second for them to understand how nice I've actually been all this time and what I could have released on them.
Then I seal it up again and glance back.
The only one who hasn’t paled is Oli. The others look like they've seen a ghost. Or a glimpse of a nightmare, perhaps.
I’m not afraid to send a message either, Kaizarz.
Little shows of strenght like these are hardly worth caring about.
Even if my throat still aches.
There's a few things you ought to remember.
Your little fairy friend is only alive because I allowed her to. And as surprising as it sounds, you’ll meet people way less scrupulous than I.
But well. You don’t need to worry.
For if anyone is more ruthless than I am, it’s you, isn’t it?
Mentioned characters apart from Leonova and Kalerich belong to @corneille-but-not-the-author @soupedepates @azeler @hel-phoenyx @thal-ent
______
When I finally get back on the ship’s deck, I'm all alone. My hands are sore, my hair is unkempt, my dress is wrinkled and the sweat on my forehead made my make-up run down a little. My entire body aches, yet I know I won't have much time for rest. The rest of the crew is still partying at the casino, and they ought to stay there.
“Welcome back. You sure took your time.”
As always, coming from Kalerich, it's a statement. Not a reprimand. He would never dare, and he better not, because I'm not in the mood. His eyes widen a little in surprise as he sees me.
“... You lost.”
Yes. I lost. Splendidly, in fact.
“You don’t have to rub it in.”
I knew the fairy was a distraction. If it weren’t for her, I surely would have won. For her, and Tyrfing Harkyrsen’s sheer luck. I suspect one of the others aided him. How, I don't know.
At least, I got to see his face distort when I mentioned how he never told anyone about what happened. Traitors always get their punishment, one way or another, and this one is particularly twisted. Accepting a bet to save his old friend but not even being able to look the current ones in the eyes, how very hypocrite.
My brother gets closer, attempts to fix my hair. I let him.
“Well, you still look like you had a good time somehow. Did you?”
A good time, huh.
I suppose I did.
That little unwinding with the fairy… Domhildr, did feel good. Maybe I was a little too rough, but well, I took all the necessary precautions and even accompanied her back to her ship. She did give a magnificent performance, during the game. It’s my fault for underestimating her.
It was so impressive I even promised her little crew I wouldn't harm her.
I promised.
Am I going soft?
No. I just can’t afford to die yet, is all.
And I would die, if I killed her.
“It was… fun.”
Fun. That's something I didn’t have in a long time.
Not just the sex, but the rest, too. It was fun. I had fun. Until I lost.
But what did I really lose?
Meili’s stone-cold face when I talked about his eye was delightful. Oli seems open to learning new spells. I had a good time with Domhildr. The game with Tyrfing was the best I’ve had in a while. The little show Valentina Salem offered with that knife was certainly admirable.
So what do I lose, except a trivial amount of money, and…
“What about Brynja?” Kalerich asks.
… Brynja. Of course. That was the deal, wasn’t it?
“Well. I’ll hold up my part of the deal. As soon as she wakes up, I'll let her know she's free to do as she pleases.”
Free to do as you please. Ha. That isn’t a sentence you hear a lot coming from a Delavriskov. None of us is truly free, after all, not even me.
No matter how this duel ends, Brynja might never come back on the ship. That's a shame. She was a good asset.
But I can't control love, now can I? If I could, it’d be much easier.
The card of the Great Snake, buried in my deck, seems to sneer at me.
“I’m going to get some shut-eye. You should too.”
I’ll escort Brynja tomorrow, and I bet Kaizarz Laangfisk will not be pleased to see me. So intent on protecting his little friends, on doing what’s right.
But what will be if not two monsters looking at each other?
“I’ll miss her. Brynja.”
I blink. Kalerich spoke slowly, his eyes scrutinizing my face, searching for a reaction.
“Will you?”
…
I don't reply.
Does it matter?
Will I miss her?
Maybe, for a while. But then I'll move on.
Missing something, somebody, isn’t that all I do, either way? What’s one more?
Isn't that the real curse of being on this boat? To miss?
“I’m tired, and I am going to be very busy tomorrow. So if you’ll let me get to bed, I'll appreciate it.”
Kalerich stares at me for a while, then shrugs.
“Sure. Remember that you can always talk to me, if you get sad.”
Sad?
Ridiculous. I don't get sad.
I close the door to my cabin, breathing slowly. This won't do. I need to get my magic under control.
You know what you are.
You know what you lost.
Look at you, struggling to get it back.
Look at them, how they have it all. You could have had all of this.
But you're too far gone.
Ignore the whispers. Ignore them. They’ll go away. You're the one in control.
Jealous, Leonova ?
Going soft, Leonova?
Something shatters against the wall. Some glass trinket I bought and just destroyed. They are no different.
Brynja (mentioned) belongs to @hel-phoenyx and is played by @corneille-but-not-the-author
Everyone else mentioned but not named belongs to @thal-ent , @azeler and @soupedepates
Some post-session Leonova content uwu
________
“Looks like someone’s in a good mood.”
If there is one thing I learned from being Leonova’s brother, it’s that when she comes back on the ship humming a tune and looking inexplicably cheerful, it’s usually a sign that things are about to go down very quickly. And the grin she flashes me doesn't reassure me in the slightest.
“Didn’t you leave with Brynja?”
They left alone, Leo pretexting that she needed Brynja’s eyes to find something she wanted to get, which sounded both like the truth and a lie.
“Well, Brynja finally found her long-lost first love, so I thought I’d let them have their little reunion in peace.”
Huh. Well that's certainly something.
“So… The famous Tyrfing whom she thought was dead is here, in this port, at the same time as us? What were the odds?”
The irony in my voice doesn't escape her, and her smile only widens. I wouldn’t be surprised if she knew all along that we would cross paths with the Kraken’s King ship, but she looks so excited about it, it feels a little uncanny.
I can't remember the last time she was so happy.
“I've asked her to bring everyone at the tavern later tonight. Drinks will be on me, of course.”
I sigh. Deeply. From the bottom of my chest.
“And you want me to be there, don't you.”
“Of course I do! You're my second!”
Unfortunately, I am.
“You know I don't do well with strangers.”
“Oh, come on, you won’t even have to speak if you don’t want to! I just want you to see this! It’s a one-in-a-lifetime occasion, even for people like us. Kal, there’s an occultist rukkorn and a man with a Fol-Eye, even a fairy, can you believe it? And well, Tyrfing Harkyrsen, obviously. I’m sure there’s more people on their boat that I didn't get to meet, more very interesting people, you definitely want to be there.”
I smile abstently. Can't say I'm sharing her enthusiasm. Would it be interesting to meet those people? Certainly. Do I want to? Not really. I've seen rukkorns and fairies and mutilated men before. Brynja’s nice and of pleasant company on the ship, but I don't know any of the others.
Especially since I know all too well what Leo has in store for them.
But it doesn’t look like that's what's on her mind right now. She wants to know. To learn. She always does. And it's getting more and more rare for us to learn anything new with age.
I make the beginner mistake of thinking about the person she could have been if things had happened differently, and my chest starts aching a little. She's never looked more than my sister like she does right now.
A stupid part of me hopes that I might get that sister back. It knows I won't.
Yet she looks at me with the shiniest eyes and it’s all I can think about.
“So, will you be there?”
I huff, she grins.
“Pretty please.”
I sigh, I nod, and she knows she won this one. This is one of the few requests I could refuse without consequences, but I don't have the heart to do so.
“Right, for the negotiations… I'll handle the crew in the meantime.”
“Thank you."
“Stay safe, okay?”
I grin. Being safe isn't much of a concern after all these years.
The man I'm about to meet is a big name in the field. We both have a lot to gain from working more closely, but he’s a tough nut to crack and hard in business. From my sources, he's a hedonist, which is a good breach to exploit. A lot of his most precious acquisitions were bought only for his pleasure. I've dressed in clothes that are easier to take off than my usual. If I manage to secure a deal, I could also show him a good time. That'd be ideal.
“Don't worry. It’ll go just fine.”
…
It’s still night when I return to the ship. My brother is patroling around the deck and blinks in surprise when he notices me.
“Back already? I thought you’d only be here by morning.”
I shrug.
“Well, things went a little faster than expected.”
“Your deal would indeed be extremely profitable for both of us, miss Delavriskov, and your conditions are perfectly reasonable.”
Hm. And that only took an hour of talking over dinner. That's almost too perfect.
“I’m pleased to hear that. But it looks like there’s something else you want.”
His smile widens, revealing a few golden teeth. How very lavish.
“If you’re so well-informed, you’re not without knowing that I'm not above certain kinds of pleasure, are you?”
Kalerich walks over to me, worried eyes looking for any wound on my skin. He won’t find any.
“Did he hurt you?”
I shake my head. The only thing hurting is my shoulder, from carrying my suitcase all the way back.
“No. He didn't. But the negotiations were unsuccessful, either way.”
Astonishment covers his face. I rarely fail any negotiations.
“Why? What happened?”
“Well, if it’s me that you want, I’m all yours for tonight. It’s just us here, after all.”
He bursts out laughing, I raise an eyebrow.
“Miss Delavriskov, as lovely as you are, it’s not you I want.”
I’m almost offended. Almost.
“Really? Then what else do you want that I could possibly give you?”
His teeth shine in the dim light.
“You have a brother, don’t you?”
“I just didn't like his conditions.”
“Didn’t… Leo, I thought this was a huge deal. You went on and on about how you couldn't afford to nitpick on the terms.”
“I changed my mind.”
He stares at me in disbelief, but it's not like I need to tell him the truth, either way. He doesn’t have to know.
“Yes. I do. What about it?”
“Oh please, don’t act so oblivious. I saw him, you know. Quite the pretty face. One could mistake you two for twins.”
I smile politely.
“So I've been told. What do you want with him?”
“Oh, not much. Just lend him to me for, say, a night, and I'd accept your proposal. What do you say?”
“Kal, don’t make that face. There's hundreds like him, and we're not short on money.”
“... If you say so.”
His eyes go over my dress, searching for any kind of wrinkle or tear he could find, but there’s none.
Only a few stains, invisible on the black fabric.
“Hey, how about we get some food from the hold? I'm starving.”
“Alright. I'd say that we have reached a satisfying conclusion.”
His mouth gapes, then he laughs, incredulously.
“Well, color me surprised! Real pleasure to do business with you, miss Delavriskov.”
I slowly rise from my chair.
His eyes widen as it dawns on him that he's unable to do the same.
“Oh, pardon me,” I giggle. “When I said “we”, I wasn’t talking about you.”
I can see how much he wants to scream when a black, viscous matter starts pulling at his limbs. A shame that he can't do that either.
“A little advice, from one trader to another… You should hold your tongue better.”
I snap my fingers, and I grin from ear to ear. My turn to bear my teeth.
It’ll be the last thing he sees.
“Before someone tears it off your mouth.”
Kalerich shoots me a disapproving look.
“Didn’t you just have dinner?”
“Yes, but he was a terrible host. The meat wasn’t even worth touching.”
I walk over to the boat guardrail, and throw my suitcase in the water below. The fishes will have a great feast tonight.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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CW for poor attempts at emotional manipulation, toxic behaviors, and just the usual Leonova bullshit
Domhildr (mentioned) belongs to @soupedepates
Let’s go lesbis
10/01/2025
Ether 💛 : I told you I needed to be at work on New Year's to help at the ER, Leo, we’ve been over this
Leo 🧛🏻♀️ : We get it. Your work is more important to you than we are.
Leo 🧛🏻♀️ : You even let Khaliun answer your phone when I called on Christmas. If I don't interest you for anything other than sex, just say so.
Me : Um, i was okay with it actually??? 😶
Ether 💛 : Leo are you for real rn?? If I could have spent the New Year's with you I would have!!
Leo 🧛🏻♀️ : Sure you would have. New Year's is fine but I'm not even allowed to go spend Christmas at your place.
Ether 💛 : I invited you??? You’re the one who said you couldn't come!!
Leo 🧛🏻♀️ : Because I knew you didn't want me around, otherwise you'd have insisted more
Ether 💛 : For fucks sake Leonova
Ether 💛 : I can't run after you all the time
Leo 🧛🏻♀️ : Good, I see you've stopped pretending to care.
Ether 💛 : …
Ether 💛 : I need to go back to work. Talk to you later
Leo 🧛🏻♀️ : How very convenient.
Me : Leo drop it ur being of bad faith rn
Leo 🧛🏻♀️ : Oh if you want to keep getting trampled on, be my guest, Khaliun.
Alright, that’s it. I'm sick of this.
Me : ur off work right
Leo 🧛🏻♀️ : It’s 8pm. Of course I'm off work. Why?
Me : Nice
Me : see u soon 😄
I turn off my notifications. I went to her flat with Ether to have coffee like five days ago. I don't really remember the way, but I have the address registered.
Maybe it’s a bad idea. But it'd be worse to say it by text where Leonova has the control and where Ether can see.
This can’t go on.
I like Leo. I don't think she’s a good or a bad person. I think she's funny, and witty, and pretty, and smart. I think she's also violent and mean. She’s not always like that, but it's been a lot more tense since Christmas. Ether just takes, then breaks up, then gets her back, then it's the honeymoon phase all over again. I've stayed silent. I've just watched. Not my relationship, not my business, right?
But it's my girlfriend who cries herself to sleep because Leonova can’t be bothered to think about how she feels. It's her fault if I get Ether calling me in tears every two weeks.
Her fault.
And my business.
***
“Um, Leo? There’s someone at the door.”
… She didn’t.
“It’s Khaliun.”
Nevermind. Of course she did.
“Do I let her in or…?”
Urgh. If I leave her at the door, I might find her sleeping there tomorrow morning. That girl is worse than a cockroach. Might as well get this over with.
“Sure.”
As soon as the door opens, her voice rings out. Ever so cheerful. Hi, Kalerich, how’s it going, you look a little pale, make sure to go outside from time to time, where’s your sis, oh right sorry my shoes. Grating. One can only wonder where she gets all that energy from.
She stomps to the living room. She's wearing an old band t-shirt with sweatpants, her socks are bright pink like a little kid’s, her cap is just as horrendous as I remember. Yet she still looks good. I hate that I can't say that she’s ugly without lying.
I close my laptop, she throws herself into one of the chairs. She's still smiling like a dumbass, but her smile is… different than usual.
“Didn't your parents teach you that it’s rude to barge into people’s homes past 7pm?
Khaliun laughs. Unfazed.
“Didn’t your parents teach you to treat your girlfriend right?”
…
There it goes. There it is. This is going to be about Ether, about how terrible of a person I am and how I should leave her for her own good. As if I don't already know that.
“Why are you being so pissy lately, Leo?”
Uh? No blaming? No screaming? What is she trying to do?
“Don’t look at me like that! I just want to understand!”
… Hah. Understand. Of course.
I get it. It's a trap, isn't it? She's going to make me believe I’m safe and then she’ll shatter me as soon as I lower my guard.
I’m not falling for that. I’m never falling for that again.
“You think you're so good, don't you.”
She blinks.
“What?”
“You think you’re so nice, so kind, that it makes you look so righteous to try to help me, like I'm some lost puppy. It might work on mellow-hearted people like Ether, but it’s not gonna work on me, Khaliun.”
She stops smiling.
I don’t think that’s ever happened before.
Good. Show me who you really are, behind all your good intentions.
“So you want me to stop being nice to you?”
“I want you to stop pitying me. I don't need you or anyone to do that. I’m doing perfectly fine.”
“You’re not,” she retorts.
Factually. Like it’s obvious that I'm not okay. I hate it. But she doesn't let me come up with a rebuttal.
“If you were okay, you wouldn’t have called on christmas. You wouldn't be projecting your insecurities onto Ether like that, either.”
Oh, so now she’s using the whole christmas ordeal as an argument against me. Of course. That’s what people like her do. That’s how they “help”.
“… I’m not projecting.”
She crosses her arms, frowning.
“You are. Ether does everything for you. She was worried she wouldn’t be available when you called on christmas so she said I could answer for her. She's always on and on about cooking your favorite dishes. She asks me for ideas for your dates. And what are you doing in return? And don’t say that you give good sex because I also do that.”
What I do in return?
…
“I’ve never given more of myself to someone. Ever. And I never asked her to do all of this for me, did I? Since when are relationships transactional?”
Khaliun sighs deeply, like I'm some kind of noisy kid in class.
“They're not. They're reciprocated. Not the same thing.”
Look at little miss not out of uni yet trying to play who’s the smartest. Trying to make me look like I'm in the wrong.
“Oh, I see how it is. Ether is the perfect girlfriend and I'm the homewrecker getting in between you two.”
“Stop twisting my words, Leonova.”
The words cut right through like stones. I don’t think she ever used my full name before.
“I never said you were a homewrecker. Fucking insecure is what you are. You know how I know? Because I know why Ether fell in love with you, I know why she wants you back every time, I know what you’ve been giving her in return. But when I asked you, you couldn't give me a single answer.”
My face grows hot.
She's right.
But you can’t let her say it.
Because if Ether finds out that you're giving her nothing, she'll leave you.
“Well, now I understand why you're in sports studies and not psychology. You'd be awful.”
“I don’t need to be studying psychology for that. You wanna know what you give her ? You give her a space where she can talk about her problems at work. You recommend books to her and she does the same and you both read the other’s recommandations. You make her laugh. You take her out when she’s feeling too down in the dumps. You give plenty of things I can give and others that I can't. But you can't be bothered to realize it!”
…
Why does she look so infuriated saying that of all things?
“You could be so good for her, and yet you still choose to behave like this!”
“Like what?”
“Like a bitch!”
For a few seconds, I'm rendered speechless.
She called me a bitch.
To my face.
I’m almost impressed.
“Say that again?”
“I’m sorry, it’s just true, I don't have a better word for it! I mean, fuck, you cheated on her!”
I dig my nails into my palm. So we’re going on this terrain now. Fine.
“Well. She had made it clear that she didn't want me around anymore.”
“You argued! It happens to everyone, yet not everyone cheats on their partner for an argument!”
I needed comfort.
I wanted to hurt her like she hurt me.
So I found a way to get both.
“Oh, so she can have several partners, but when I do it’s cheating?”
“Don’t play dumb. You know full well that's not what happened. You never told her, she had to find out on her own, and she still got you back. The act in itself wasn't the problem. What was is that you actively lied and that it was right after an argument.”
I remember the look on their faces.
Domhildr, the morning after, when she learned that I wasn't single and that my girlfriend didn't know I was here.
Ether, three weeks after it happened, telling me she had been told by the bartender that night, a friend of a friend, that I’d been with another woman. She got angry at me. She cried. Dumped me.
Didn't even resent Domhildr. She called her instead. I think they still text? I don’t know.
“That’s easy for you to say,” I groan. “You came by first. I’m only the second-hand partner. Why can’t I compensate for it sometimes?”
“... Is that really what you think? That you’re secondary? That Ether being poly grants you a free pass for cheating?”
I shrug.
I shrug?
Yes, I shrug. What else is there to say? I'm going to be the villain either way.
I've always been secondary. It’s not like it’s much of a change.
“What the hell.”
I've never seen someone look so flabbergasted. It’s almost insulting.
“I’m sorry I can't be perfect, Khaliun.”
She throws her hands into the air with an exasperated sigh.
“Perfect this, perfect that, perfect perfect perfect, is that all you ever think about?! No one asks you to be perfect, Leo!”
Liar. They all do. They all keep asking for more.
“What are you asking me, then?”
“To be better! Just that! Better! And to stop thinking that Ether must give you all the things that your parents didn’t give you, or whatever! Sure, you've been through shit, sure, you're very sad and unhappy, but that doesn’t mean that Ether has to be sad too!”
I'm not…
I’m not sad.
She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
“... You don't know anything about my family.”
“Uh, it's not that hard to guess. I know people who come from healthy families when I see some.”
Yeah. People like you and Ether. People who were given everything without ever having to ask. People who never had anything taken from them. People who were their parents’ pride and joy. People who were born in wedlock and never had to live up to their brother.
“Anyway, my point is, that's not an excuse to treat her like shit. You know what, maybe you hate me, and that’s fine! I get it! You don’t have to like me! But always putting that jealousy on Ether, like she’s somehow responsible for your feelings? That’s bullshit.”
…
I don’t hate you. To be honest, I wish I did. What I hate is how good you are, compared to me.
But I'd rather die than admit it to you.
“So what? Should I leave? Would that make everyone feel better? Would that help you get your perfect little couple?”
“Will you quit that?! I’m not perfect! Neither is Ether! You're the only one who’s obssessed with this! You know you’re not the center of the world, right? Not everyone is out to get you! Can you ever, I don’t know, chill out? It must be exhausting for you to live like that! And it's exhausting for us, too!”
I burst out laughing.
“Exhausting for you?”
Live one fucking day in my life and see if you're the exhausted one, Khaliun. I’d love to see you try.
“Yeah, exhausting for us.”
She huffs, shifts in the chair and leans in to look me in the eyes. There's pure anger glinting in there.
But it's not an anger I can control. Which makes me feel weirdly on edge.
“You wanna know why you’re going out with Ether and not with me, Leo?”
“Because I love her, and I don't love you.”
“Yeah, sure. But no. Like I said, Ether isn’t perfect. And her biggest flaw – you know what it is? It’s that she doesn't know her worth. Sure, she knows who she is, and she’s out in the open, never compromising on it, but just because you’re confident with who you are doesn’t mean you have any idea what you're worth. You know that full well.”
“... What are you getting at?”
She gets up. I'm smaller than her, and now that I'm seated and she’s standing she's towering over me.
“You don't like me ‘cause I know my worth and I take my decisions accordingly. Doesn't mean I'm not forgiving. It’s just that I don’t let people like you manipulate me or push me around, unlike Ether does. And you?”
She takes one step towards the couch. Towards me.
“You only date people that don’t know their worth because it makes you feel so much better about yourself. You know that if they start thinking they deserve good things, they'll leave you, because you don't think you're good.”
Another step. Then another.
“I don't think you’re lying when you say you love Ether.”
She’s right in front of me.
I can’t move.
“But there's one thing you love more than her, and that’s hating yourself.”
…
“I don't –”
Her fist makes contact with the wall right next to my left ear. She leans in, her face only inches away from mine, teeth gritted in anger.
“Stop. Just stop. I’m sick and tired of your excuses, of you hurting our girlfriend just because you like wallowing in self-pity and denial so much you hurt people just to stay and sink in it. Again, I don’t hate you, and even if I did you’d still deserve respect. But don’t think that the shit you pull has no consequences.”
She tears her hand away from the wall. Her knuckles are bruised.
“You hear me, Leo?”
It's the nickname that snaps me out of it. The nickname, and the tone that has suddenly gone soft.
How fucking dare she.
“I’m not going to be lectured by a little shit who isn't even out of school yet,” I spit.
Her eyes narrow.
“I don’t see why not. You've been out of school for years and you still act like a ten year-old.”
…
She’s right.
You don’t deserve her.
No.
No, she's wrong.
She thinks she can just barge in and play the victim.
That's it.
I’m done.
“Get out.”
“I’m not do –”
I grab the thing closest to me – a cushion – and throw it at her.
“Get out of my fucking flat, Khaliun!!”
She dodges, steps back, looking even angrier.
“Or what? Are you gonna call the cops on me because your ego’s hurt?”
Oh, you wish it was the police I wanted to call.
“Get. Out.”
Her chest heaves. She looks like she's about to cry.
Like a baby.
“... Fine. Be that way then. We'll see what Ether says when you go and complain like you always do!”
She leaves the room the same way she came in – stomping. I hear a silence when she puts her shoes back on, I yell,
“Go fuck yourself!!”
And the door slams shut.
My heart thumps against my eardrums.
A minute passes by, then Kalerich comes back in with a look of concern.
“... Leo, why is there a dent in our wall?”
“It’s my appartment,” is all I can reply, shakily.
“Okay, sure. Why is there a dent in your wall?”
Because Ether can’t fucking keep her bitches on a leash, that's why.
I grab my phone.
I won't be disrespected like this. Who do they think they are?
Leo, why is there a dent in the wall?
Because of her.
Leo, why is there a dent in the wall?
Because…
Leo, why is there a dent in your head?
…
And sent.
She’ll regret ever having set foot in this flat.
It’s not my fault.
It’s not my fault.
It’s their fault.
***
I get home at 6am after a whole night of being on watch duty at the hospital.
The group chat is flooded with messages.
I scroll back as far as I can.
Khaliun asking Leo if she's free.
A picture of a wall with a dent in it.
Outraged messages, from everyone, the pseudonyms are all jumbled up, I don’t know who's talking but they're all calling me.
Ether, say something!
Ether, are you going to let her speak to me like that?!
Ether this, Ether that, choose a side, Ether, pick a side, Ether, say which of us is right, Ether, tear your fucking heart and head apart for us, Ether –
I’m tired. I'm so tired. As if my days weren't tiring enough. As if the patients weren’t feeling bad enough, now I have to manage my girlfriend who’s never satisfied and my other girlfriend who acts out on her own.
I can't deal with this.
Me : I can't deal with this anymore. Don't even try to text me until you both get over your shit.
I leave the group chat, press their profile pictures, block, block, throw my phone across my bed and shut my eyes.
Introducing them was a bad idea. But Leo had insisted.
I can almost see Nenia looking at me disapprovingly.
Well, you had it coming.
I guess it's my fault for thinking they could get along. My fault for thinking I could love the both of them without getting bitten in the ass.
The following texts references sexism, homophobia and transphobia.
Domhildr belongs to @soupedepates
Amandine belongs to @corneille-but-not-the-author
I feel like the lobby in this house is getting bigger and bigger with each and every one of my visits.
Maybe it’s just me that feels smaller, despite the heels, despite my situation, despite the fact that I’m grown now.
“Auntie Leoooo!”
Well, here come three of the few good things about Christmas. I didn't even have the time to get my coat off before getting jumped by my two nephews and my niece. I barely see them at all since they moved to Belgium. The laugh escaping me is sincere.
“Nice try, kiddos, but you're not getting the gifts before dessert!”
Danil, the oldest, puffs his cheeks.
“No fun.”
“I don’t care about the gifts! I just want a hug from auntie,” Nina whines.
Meanwhile, Saveliy keeps holding out his arms to ask for uppies, which is kind of hard with his siblings glued to my leg and my eight-centimeters heels.
“Kids, let your aunt breathe, will you?”
My brother-in-law arrives to get Danil and Nina off me, and takes his youngest into his arms before smiling politely.
“Hello, Leonova. Sorry about this, they've been all giddy since this morning.”
“Good evening, Zachary. It’s no problem. Is my sister around?”
Zachary is nice enough, compared to some other members of this family. We just don’t have much in common is all. If I'm completely honest, he’s a little bland, but as long as he makes my sister happy…
“Yes, she's in the dining hall with your brother. They've been waiting for you too.”
I thank him with a nod and head over to the dining room. Dear god, the Christmas tree is even taller than last year. Imagining Father climbing on a ladder to decorate it is pretty comical, even if he surely didn’t do it himself. But I'm not really interested in trees. No, what matters is my siblings, chatting together near the window, and their faces lighting up when they see me.
“Hi, Novushka!”
Misha’s looking a lot better than last time. Her hair has grown back to her shoulders, even if it’s thinner and curlier than before. When I hug her, I only feel a flat torso against mine. It’s a little strange, but at least she seems alright. And she’s told me the chemo worked. That's all that matters.
“Heyy, Misha, I want a hug from Nova too!”
Misha laughs and lets Denevan come embrace me. My littlest brother is twenty-four now, and he sure looks smart in his brand new suit and tie. It’s weird to see him all grown-up when I practically raised him. Fresh out of business school just like his sister and already well-off. Wonder who he gets that from. He lets go of me, looks around confusedly.
“Kal isn't coming this year either?”
…
“Well? Have you changed your mind?”
Kalerich glances at me and shrugs.
“You know they don't want me around anymore. I don’t see why this year is any different.”
Yeah. I know. Otherwise you wouldn't have taken refuge at my place. Maybe a part of me likes to rub it in, the way you fell from grace, the way you went from the golden heir to a college dropout no one believes in anymore, the way I'm the most successful out of both of us now.
And the other…
“No. I'm sorry, Deni.”
“You know it’s complicated between him and Father, Vanya,” Misha adds hastily.
Denevan makes a face. He doesn't know, actually. He just thinks Kalerich and Father had an argument over who would inherit the company, which isn’t untrue. But he doesn't know about the rest and I think that's for the better.
“Well, I'm glad to see you three are still as chummy as ever! Now, let us all sit down and catch up, alright?”
Ha. Speaking of the Devil, here he comes with his most faithful priestess. My father and stepmother. Ivan and Honora Delavriskov.
And at his command, we all sit down, because the lambs don't resist when the shepherd guides them home, now do they?
So here we are. My dad, sat at the far end of the table. Honora to his right, Denevan to his left. Misha sits between her mother and husband, I sit next to my brother and my niece. My nephews face each other at the other end.
No matter what I do or how much I work my ass off, I'm still seated next to the kids. They make sure I know my place even though I've carved one for myself.
It doesn't matter. It’s fine. It’s only one evening. I start eating with the others, chatting with my brother, listening patiently to Nina when she tries to ask me for a food she doesn't know the name of. I talk like I'm a convict and the conversations are my last cigarette as I await for the moment of my public execution. I’m not disappointed.
“Leonova, why is your hair cut so short every time I see you?”
Because everyone says it suits me. Everyone except Honora, apparently. But I know the lengths I have to go to get even one compliment from her. They're hardly worth it. She doesn’t let me reply, anyway.
“If you keep going like that, we'll soon see your scalp,” she continues. “And your make-up makes you look like a stolen car. No man is ever going to be interested in you with this kind of look.”
Well her hair will fall off sooner than mine with all the dye she puts on her roots. And her ensemble is tacky at best, horrid at worst.
And I don't want a man to be interested in me. Or rather, I don't give a flying shit.
“Your mother has a point, Leonova.”
She isn’t my mother. She's never been. I don't care if I'm ungrateful, because she was oh so kind to take in her husband’s late mistress’ three children that he had behind her back.
My mother, my real mother, died almost twenty years ago because no one fucking cared. Not my father, not the doctors, not her family, no one.
But I don't say it.
I’m a good daughter. Good daughters smile and let their father speak.
“How old are you already?”
“I'll be turning thirty this february, Father.”
But it's not like you care enough to remember my birthday.
“Thirty! Thirty, and you’re still unmarried.”
Yeah.
Because you forced me to cut off the only person I've ever wanted to marry.
I still remember her eyes. Full of hurt. A cold hurt. But the worse was how disappointed she seemed. Disappointed in me.
I could have told her. That it was to protect her. But I didn't.
Keep calm. Breathe. Don’t let him get to you.
“I'd rather focus on my career for now.”
He bursts out laughing. No one else laughs but no one else comes to my defense either.
“Your career? Look at your sister! She can juggle her work, children and marriage just fine.”
“Dad, it’s different,” Misha tries. “I’m a dentist, Leo has a lot more responsibilities than–”
“What do you even do that takes up so much of your time?” Honora cuts her off, her eyes fixed on me.
I stab my turkey with my fork. Sauce splatters to the sides of my plate.
“I’m a marketing manager. I thought I already told you.”
“Marketing manager? I was already marketing director at your age,” my father scoffs.
Yeah. Because you inherited your father’s company, just the way Denevan will inherit yours. Meanwhile I had to make my way in a luxury company all on my own, while trying to handle my superior that wants me under his desk before promoting me and scares all the women in my team because he gets too handsy.
But a cheating, lying asshole like you wouldn’t understand that, now would he?
Because we’re nothing without you and your goddamn money. But I make my own, now. I don't need this. I don't need you.
Kalerich’s dubious stare comes back to my mind.
Why do you still go?
“It’s been going well so fa–”
“But you're still single.”
I am not.
I have a girlfriend. Her name is Ether. She wants to be a gynaecologist. She’s hard-working, kind, too kind, laughs loudly, swears too much, forgives too easily, never sleeps enough, likes her coffee with a lot of sugar, has the most beautiful smile I've seen and I've been treating her like garbage. But I'm in love with her. I'm in love with her. Even if I know she deserves better, I keep coming back to her.
But I don’t say it.
There’s a crucifix on the far wall and I feel like it’s looking right at me.
I smile for the imaginary camera.
“That's right.”
My father sighs in disappointment.
Disappointment. Again.
Disappointment in her eyes when I told her it was over.
Disappointment in Domhildr’s mouth when I told her I had a girlfriend.
Disappointment in Ether’s words when she learned about the cheating.
Disappointment on Denevan’s face when I told him his brother wouldn’t be here.
Disappointment, disappointment, disappointment, you're a fucking disappointment–
“You're lucky I've started looking through potential fiancés for you.”
… What?
“I should have done this much earlier, to be honest. I thought you’d manage to find someone decent, but it looks like I've overestimated you.”
My blood runs cold. My stomach is nothing but a mess of knots all tightening simultaneously.
Denevan’s nervous eyes dart between me and our father. Misha looks like she's frozen in her seat. Zachary pretends to be busy helping Saveliy cut his meat.
I’m on my own.
My tongue feels like it’s made of lead.
“You… You can't just–”
“Oh, but I can. That's the better option for everyone.”
“Your father's right,” Honora agrees. “I mean, I don’t want to speak ill of your tastes, Leonova, but the man you were with for some time…”
She wasn’t a man. She wasn't happy as a man.
That's why she couldn't have been happy with me or this family either.
Not when Father chuckles with so much disdain.
“Right, him. He turned out to be quite… well, his whole delirium about being a woman… Who could have thought? Either way, it wasn’t normal. I’m glad you had enough sense to break up with him. Those people are sick and we’re not doctors.”
“Those people”. I dated one of “those people”. Goddammit, I loved her. I probably still do.
How dare he? How dare he talk about her like she's sick when Misha, his eldest daughter, was actually sick with something she could have not recovered from?
Who am I kidding. Legitimate or not, it doesn't matter. We’re still daughters and not sons.
“What was his name again? Ar–”
Her name was Amandine.
Stop. Stop talking about her like that. Stop, stop, stop.
I stuff some meat into my mouth and Honora looks at me disapprovingly.
“Don't look at us like that, Leonova. Do you have any idea how you made us look to our acquaintances and business partners? How many justifications we had to come up with for you? I mean, everyone thought you were…”
Misha’s face turns sour.
“Mom. That’s enough.”
“No,” I interrupt. My voice sounds like dry ice. “They thought I was… what?”
“You know what I mean!” Honora exclaims.
“No, I don't. They thought I was what?”
“A homosexual.”
The room goes dead silent. My stepmother’s eyes widen.
“Ivan!”
“What? There's no point in sugarcoating it. And since Leonova isn’t like that, I don’t see why I should beat around the bush.”
Leonova isn’t like that.
“Auntie Leo? What's a homosessual?”
“Nina, be quiet and eat your food,” Zachary whispers furiously from the other side of the table.
I smile at my niece like I don't want the ground to open and swallow me whole along with this entire godforsaken household.
“You can ask your parents later, Ninoshka. Okay?”
She stares at me with her big blue eyes, but obeys and goes back to picking at her food. Six years-old are more perceptive than they look. But I can't let her see through the cracks. She'll realize their presence soon enough anyway.
“Leonova, you have to understand. Your father and I are just worried for you. That's why I'm not so sure about the short hair… People might get the wrong idea…”
I hate how sincerely worried Honora sounds. How she genuinely thinks she’s doing this for my own good. She treats me like I'm her real daughter, always has.
That's probably the worst thing she could have done.
But I don't say it.
I just smile. I don't reassure her. I’m not sure I'll be able to contain the venom in my voice if I try to.
“Well, no harm in looking for fiancés for you, then?” my father asks with a smile.
“No. Not at all.”
The words are gravel in my mouth.
“Good. At least there’s still hope for you. We wouldn't want you to end up like your disappointment of a brother, now would we?”
My siblings stare at their plate. Danil frowns. Kalerich has always been his favorite uncle. But Zachary’s eyes dissuade him from trying anything.
Saveliy raises his hand enthusiastically, Danil mumbles that he’d like that. Misha looks like she lost her appetite. Denevan passes me the wine with the most discomfited expression I've ever seen on him. Bless his heart.
I pour myself drink after drink, barely touch my dessert, only taking a bite out of Nina’s because she offered me to. By the time the kids open their gifts, I'm not sober at all anymore. There’s a bunch of wrapped packages with my name under the tree and the mere thought of opening them in front of everyone makes me want to puke.
“I’m going out for a smoke.”
I don’t ask for anyone to join me. My father and Honora only give me disapproving glances, Misha doesn’t smoke anymore, Zachary will be too uncomfortable to join me and Denevan has never touched a cigarette in his life. No one says a word when I walk out the room, no one says anything about how wobbly I am on my heels.
Everything in this house is too big. It makes me feel like I'm twelve again.
I go out to the porch and take a huge whiff of cold air before lighting up my cig. I check out my phone. There’s one text. From Domhildr, of all people.
Merry Chrysler! (hoping you haven't broken up with your girlfriend again cuz right now my legs are closed)
The little fucker. At least the message makes me snort. I contemplate calling her, not for sex of anything, just to chat. She's from a muslim family, does she even celebrate at all? Well. She’s probably busy anyways, with her roommate or her friends or whatever. And she might get the wrong idea. We’re not friends, after all. I don’t have friends.
I start scrolling mindlessly through my contacts. Kalerich hasn't texted me. He’s probably watching a series or out to town to kill time. Spending Christmas alone. There’s a pang of guilt in my chest but I barely feel it under all the alcohol and resentment.
A part of me likes to rub it in.
And the other
Keeps being jealous of you because at least now you have no expectations to meet anymore. Yet you're still someone. A parasitic, grim, lazy sack of shit, but you're someone without them. I’d be no one without them. I’d be nothing.
Or I'd just be Leonova and there’s nothing worse to be than myself.
I scroll past.
Amandine is still registered in favorites and in speed dial, even after all these years. My thumb hovers above the calling button. I haven’t tried texting her in a long, long time. Heard from a few rumors that she got into the police. Wrote seven drafts to congratulate her, sent none. Too afraid of the possibility that maybe, maybe she blocked me and my words will remain stuck in my phone. But god I want to call her. I want to hear her voice. I miss her.
But she’s better off without me.
So I scroll past again.
Only person left is Ether. She’s at her parents right now, with her sister. Her dad is an egyptian muslim, but her mom is greek and likes christmas, so they celebrate anyways. And I know they're a happy family. I know she loves her parents and her parents love her just as much.
It’s so unfair it makes me sick.
Why does she get that and I don't?
She invited Khaliun to come, too. Khaliun who’s infinitely better than me in every way and a much better girlfriend. I’ve met her and I could already tell this much. Does Ether keep me around just so she can feel better about herself for adopting a rabid dog that was about to be put down? Am I here to make her other lovers feel better about themselves?
She told me to call her if things got too much. I told her there would be no need. Now I need her but I’d rather die than admit it.
So I call. With every intention of being a bitch, of blaming Ether unjustly for having such a great time when I don’t, of ruining my life for good so I can prove to myself I'm just as bad as I think I am.
It’s ringing.
Pick up.
Pick up.
Pick up the fucking phone–
“Yeeeessss hellooo?”
My anger is swept away in a second.
That’s not Ether’s voice.
“... Khaliun?”
“Leonova! Hi! Yeah, it’s me.”
That's her laugh, no mistake.
… What is she doing with Ether's phone?
“Where’s Ether?”
“Uuuuh, right now? Very drunk and very busy debating in arabic with her dad. Her phone was ringing in her bag and she told me you might call, so I thought I’d answer.”
Ether… told her I might call? Why?
“Is everything okay? You sound off.”
I want to scream at her. For stealing my girlfriend away from me. For getting all the good times. For being so good and nice and everything I'm not.
Instead, all that comes out is a sob.
“Aw, Leo. Christmas is a tough time for you, huh?”
…
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
I'm tired of pretending it’s not.
“Do you want me to get Ether?”
I shake my head, and realize a second later that she can’t hear that over the phone, but it seems like she understands anyways. I hear some shuffling sounds.
“Okay. Hold on, I'mma go somewhere more quiet. Stay on the line, alright?”
I do. My make-up runs down my cheeks. I hear shuffling on the other side of the line, the sound of a door closing.
“So, Leo, tell me. What’s the big sad about?”
The question is stupid. Yet it makes me sob harder.
I’m so pathetic, crying to a twenty-three years old girl I keep talking shit about behind her back.
But I'm tired. I'm so tired. I want to go home.
I just don't know where home is anymore.
I got the things I wanted, it's just not what I imagined
Mort, Cassandra and Nru belong to @corneille-but-not-the-author
Content warning for some nsfw, and a bunch of slutshaming as well as a lot of talk about accidents. And Leonova, as always-
It looks like a storm passed through here. It's just as quiet. I couldn't find the strength to clean up the broken plates so now I'm bandaging my bloody foot on the bathroom floor. Leonova's words are ringing through my head.
“You’re no better than me.”
“Where did all your pretty principles go, Ether?”
“I thought so. I knew it. I knew you were just a whore. You'd really do anything to get off, huh?”
“I’m sure Khaliun will be enchanted to know about this.”
“Oh, and don't even think about running away from me, or leaving, because if you do, then I'll make sure the whole hospital knows.”
Khaliun. She's going to tell Khaliun.
And I know it's not empty threats. The first time we broke up, I had to change banks because her dad owns the one I was originally in.
I guess I had it coming. If I had just been honest from the start, this wouldn’t be happening. It's just hard to be honest when the person you did something with keeps pretending nothing ever happened.
And maybe Khaliun wouldn’t have minded, but Leonova… Leonova would have killed me.
I almost thought that she was actually going to, earlier.
I feel like smashing those plates was almost worse.
(Write it in gold
It could be retold
But the ending gets old
They say you learn to know
When it's time to go
Like a sick joke)
I look everywhere for Pluton and end up finding him trembling under the couch. My poor baby. He looks terrified. I thought I was doing him a favor by taking him in but I guess I wasn't. I carry him to my room, get into bed. The bed where I made a dumb, stupid, idiot mistake.
It had started off relatively well. We were walking home from the cinema with Leo. We had argued after the movie, I don't remember why, then we made up just as quick. But the air was thick. Electric. I knew where it was going to end up. As soon as I closed the door, she pinned me against it, and one thing led to another, the clothes on my skin became fabric on the floor, it ended on the bed. The kisses were angry, the bites were hungry, the hands grabbed my thighs and dug into my flesh and I asked for more. With Leo, it's useless to try and take the advantage. I let myself go and I take. Which isn't something I hate doing at all, on the contrary.
But my mind was elsewhere. I wasn't mad anymore. I didn't want to be mad. And the images I thought I could repress and bury far, far away just took over. And it all got mixed up.
Into something far, far worse.
Oh I could be your friend
Or I could be on my back
I could beg or I could bully
I could brace you for impact
Red eyes lightning up with desire (Purple eyes upon me, a little blurred but full of want)
Fists tearing off my shirt (Soft hands under my sweater)
The noise of teeth biting on my piercings (Glasses falling from her nose and onto the table)
The same teeth under my jaw (Kisses on my neck)
Nails grazing and digging (Fingertips everywhere on my skin)
Short hair under my sweaty palm (Long dark hair falling from her shoulders and brushing my face)
And a whisper (among scattered breaths)
“My name. Say it. I want to hear you say it when you come.”
I wasn't sure who the voice belonged to. I just knew that I wanted to do as she said. I didn't know who “she” was anymore.
Who did I want the person above me to be?
I did exactly as I was asked. I said it.
Danger crushes, pushes my buttons, forces me to agree
Danger's a slut, it's in my gut, at night it whispers to me
""You fucking liar, your desire, baby bunny, come clean""
""You want me bad, you want me back, but you don't know what that means"”
It took me a while to get back to reality. But when I did, I nearly jumped.
Leonova's eyes were ice cold.
“Mort, huh?”
Couldn't have done a worse thing if I tried.
I could be a purity to ruin
Corrupt for you to restore
I could be anything anything anything
But yours
The wrong name.
All it took was the wrong fucking name. I barely had the time to get dressed before she started to yell. I didn’t want to lie, so I just blurted out everything. And now, here I am. Lying in bed, alone, everything ruined because of a single word.
Called in sick to work. I can't sleep but I close my eyes anyways. The functional one is burning. Wet with tears. Pluton meows sadly and curls up on my pillow. My sobs are louder than the purring.
It's 9am when my phone rings. Khaliun. Fuck. I pick up.
“Hi,” I say, my voice hoarse.
“Hey,” she says, her voice far away. “Leo came to my place. Said a bunch of stuff. About you…”
I listen to the rest of the words but I already know what's coming. I see the cliff collapsing and I'm standing right on it.
I wait for her to finish talking, then I whisper,
“It's true.”
On the other side of the line, there’s only silence.
I expected shouting, crying, something. Anything.
“... I’m gonna need some time to myself to think, Ether. Alone. Catch you later.”
Anything but this defeated, hollow voice.
This is so, so much worse.
Someday, someday
When I burst into flames
I'll leave you the dust, my love
Hope a bit of it'll be enough to help remember the
Days when we came to this place
I told you I'd spill my guts, I left you to clean it up
I'm burstin' out of the–
My phone dings. 7:15am. I haven't slept but I haven't moved from bed for hours. I kicked Pluton out some time ago because he kept chewing on my pillow. I hold out my hand, it feels like it's made of lead.
A text from Mort.
“Are you okay?”
Oh. Right. I haven’t been to work yesterday. I guess I worried her.
“I’m fine”
The reply is short. I don't have the energy for more. Let's just hope she won't dig too much into it.
Another ding.
“I'm in your building’s lobby. I just got out of guard duty. Will you allow me to come up?”
I freeze. What do you mean she's downstairs? Freshly out of guard? Shit. Shit…
I can't hide this from her, can I?
I guess I can’t run away from this one. And…
And I feel so alone.
“Door’s open. If you wanna”
There. I put down my phone again.
Soon enough there's a knock at the door. I sit up on the bed, clear my throat.
“You can come in…”
My voice sounds terrible. She’s gonna be furious. Well. I had it coming.
I guess it could be worse.
Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again
I open the door to the living room. My foot hurts when I put it down. Mort's here. Holding Pluton. Looking straight at the broken plate on the floor.
“Hey… Careful, you’ll hurt yourself.”
My voice is foreign. Every time I speak a word, it feels like I’m wasting air. It’s worse when I breathe.
Mort turns around, her eyes fall upon me. She doesn't say anything. But I know she sees everything. My messy, dirty hair. My swollen eye. My worn-out clothes. My bandaged foot. She looks so exhausted too. And yet all she asks is if I have something to clean up the debris.
Why isn't she commenting on how I look? Of how much of a fuck-up I am?
Hah. Who am I kidding. She already knows that. She’s the one who found me in that morgue and I'm the one who behaved like a desperate slut. She knows I'm a mess. She just pretends not to.
I'm the ghost of a girl that I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well
“Leo… Leo knows. About us. About what happened in the morgue.”
Mort turns around.
I can't look at her. I can't do anything but apologize. She must be disappointed. She must be furious.
“Ether. Can you come closer, please ?”
I obey. She might hit me. Throw another plate at me. I’d deserve it. After everything I put her through, I wouldn’t blame her. I've been awful. If it makes her feel better, I’d let her do anything, I’d-
She wraps her arms around me. Holds me tight. When the confusion passes, I realize that she’s shaking. She’s not mad. She’s scared. She has so much more to lose than I do. Her job. Her income. Her reputation. Everything. She’s trying to comfort me but she's holding onto me more than she’s actually holding me. So I hug her back. Softly. I let a few tears escape.
I need to be strong. To be here for her. Even if I may be the worst thing that ever happened to her.
Too afraid to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night
But the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me 'til I fall asleep
We sit on the couch discussing what to do. There’s not much we can do, to be honest. I can only wait for Khaliun to get back to me, and Leo…
Mort tells me it's an agression. What happened. But I asked for it, didn’t I? I deserved it. For what I did. And yet…
And yet I still don't regret what happened that day. Not in the slightest. I’m happy Mort was the one to come looking for me. And I don't wanna lose her too.
When I say that, I can see her tense up even more. Trying to hold it together. Trying so hard to fix everything.
But she's not the one who broke that plate. Why should she cut herself on the pieces? It’s my responsibility. Not hers. I should be helping. She's the one getting dragged into this mess because of me, because of us.
And when I tell her there's no better moment to let go, to finally show how she really feels, I can see the mask break. I can see the pieces fall. The way her face deforms under the tears that she finally lets out of her eyes. It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart to see her like this because I know I did this.
Yet I hold her. I hold her in my arms and cradle her and say that I'll find a way, that everything will be okay, that we will be okay.
I barely believe my own words.
Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me
And the lonely
I blast AC/DC in Mort’s car on the way back to the hospital. She lowers the volume. We joke around a little. Like everything’s normal, somehow. Like she hasn't been crying in my arms and eating my omelette that tasted like tears on my couch. Like I'm not dressed up with my worst clothes. Like we're not sitting right on our mistakes. Our one-hour mistake in the morgue. The greatest mistake I've ever made. The worst blessing I could ever receive.
I'm on the highway to hell
Highway to hell
I'm on the highway to hell
Highway to hell
Don't stop me
Damn right we’re on the highway to hell. But when I look at Mort, at her puffy and tired eyes, I think that the devil has some twisted sense of humor to bring her down with me. When my jokes make her smile, I feel like it pushes the fire a little further away from us. Away from this car. But fire catches and it's going to reach us once we stop.
And eventually, we have to stop.
Mort parks the car. We stay silent. She avoids my gaze. I’m scared. Some dumb part of me thinks about reaching out to hold her hand, but I know it’s a bad idea. Is it for my own comfort or for hers? I don’t know anymore. The closer we get to Salem’s office, the more knots I get in my stomach. When we get there, she asks me to leave. I obey.
Mort still won’t look at me, even as I leave and close the door.
It’s fine. That's normal. They need me in the unit. But I want her to need me a little too. It’s so fucking dumb. Selfish to bout. This isn't just about your little ego, Ether.
A voice rings painfully in the back of my head. It sounds like Leonova's.
“You’re the worst.”
My face is full of spiderwebs, all tender, yellow, blue
And still with one eye open, well, all I see is you
I left my daydreams at the gate because I just can't take 'em too
Know my heart still has a suitcase, but I still can't take it through
I go back to work. Talk with some patients who just had an abortion. Some of them need to talk about contraception, so that it doesn’t happen again in the future. Some need to eat, or cry a little, say that it wasn't the right time yet but that they wanted it, they wanted it so much. I listen to them, I say kind words, I'm back into my area of expertise. They need a doctor. They need someone professional. That I can be, despite everything.
When I'm done, I go get some coffee. The lack of sleep is really catching up to me, but it’s barely 4pm, can’t go dozing off now.
Then Salem comes back, jaw clenched, face pale. Never saw her like that. Did the talk with Mort go wrong?
“Welcome back. You okay?”
She stops right on front of me, inhales sharply.
“Ether. Mort’s in the ER. She got into a car accident.”
…
Mort. In an accident.
(It was an accident)
Mort in the ER.
(Coma for three days)
Mort. Hurt. Injured. Maybe badly.
(I’m sorry, the boy –)
Salem’s words barely reach my ears.
“She probably fell asleep on the drive back. I should have brought her home, I knew she was exhausted.”
Exhausted.
Exhausted because I worsened every situation she was in. Exhausted because I couldn't repress the thoughts in front of Leonova. Exhausted because I dragged her into my problems.
Exhausted because of me.
(Because you couldn't hold yourself back)
This is all because of me.
(You never change, do you?)
Because of me because of me because of me because of me
(It’s your fault)
Things always get worse when I'm around always always always
(You shouldn't have survived.)
My
Left Arm
Hurts
There's a dry thump and a splash when my goblet drops to the floor.
Then everything goes dark.
Black hole opened in the kitchen
Every clock's a different time
It would only take the energy to fix it
I don't know why I am
The way I am
It's dark. It's cold.
I can't breathe. My words only come out in silent bubbles. My arm hurts.
I try to swim back to the surface but something’s weighing me down. Something pulls me deeper into the Abyss. Someone holding my left hand barely hanging onto itself.
I turn my head. It’s him. But it's not just him. It’s also Dal. Leonova. All with the same accusatory stare.
Don’t. Don’t look at me like that. I know. I know that everyone would be happier if I had been the one to die. But I wasn't.
And now I want to go up to the light but you won’t let me.
Their faces all mix into one. Purple hair, piercings, freckles, a fake eye. Soon-to-be seventeen year-old Ether, looking into my eyes with so much anger and so much fear.
I know. I know. I don’t want to die either. I’m sorry I can’t help you swim back up.
All I can do is hold you to ease the pain.
I am drowning
There is no sign of land
You are coming down with me
Hand in unlovable hand
And I hope you die
I hope we both die
But there’s hands. Reaching out through the water surface. Grabbing me. Pulling me (us) out into the sunlight. Faces, smiling, worried. The light blinds me, their faces are blurry, but I can hear their voices. Some sound like my parents. Or my sister. Another sounds like Doctor Claro. Like Salem.
Like Khaliun or Mort.
I can’t say anything. Everything hurts. My face is wet with cold water and hot tears.
But I breathe. And breathe. And breathe.
The worst thing is that I think I'm smiling.
I'm not ready to face it
Don't go saying goodbye
There's a beauty in changes
And I wanna try
“Ether. Ether, can you hear me?”
My eyes shoot open. Salem’s face hovers over me, a worried expression twisting the corners of her mouth. I'm laying down on my side on what I think is the guard room bed. Salem sighs deeply.
“Thank god. You really scared me there.”
“What…happened…?” I try to ask, weakly.
“You collapsed in the hallway, that's what happened. I think you lost consciousness for a few minutes.”
Oh. Only a few minutes?
“That’s it. Both you and Mort need a break from all this. You’re getting the week off.”
“But… Leo… She’ll come to my flat…”
“I’m taking you to my house. There’s more than enough room and I'm not taking no for an answer. Understood?”
I nod. Too tired to protest. The worst is that I don't really want to.
And there's nothing I can do
Not much I can change
So, I give it up to you
I hope that's okay
There's nothing I can do
Not much I can change
I give it up to you, I surrender
I wake up in the evening in an unknown bed, Pluton curled up at my feet, my bag on the floor. A ceiling with an old, kitsch lampshade hanging greets me. Salem’s house really feels like a grandma’s. I’m grateful she drove me home first to get my stuff and my cat.
I've been having nightmares. I don’t feel too rested, but I get up. I need to get busy.
Shower taken, clothes changed, I walk into the living-room. Salem’s there.
But not alone. There’s three cups of tea on the coffee table.
Cassandra and Nru are sitting on the couch. They both look awful. Cassandra’s eyebags are eating up her face and she stares blankly at her drink while Nru seems like she has stopped crying only a few minutes ago. They raise their heads to look at me and there's a sudden pang of guilt in my chest.
“G-Good evening,” Nru sniffles.
“Hi, Ether,” Cassandra mutters in echo.
Fuck. Their voices sound so tired. Can't blame them. Their mother’s in the hospital, and…
(You should have been in that car)
…
I’m sorry, it should have been me
I’m sorry, it should have been me
“Hi, girls. I’m… really sorry.”
They both stare at me in confusion. Right. Of course. They wouldn't know what caused that accident.
Salem clears her throat.
“Did you sleep well?”
“Yeah. I’m just… going back to work. Need to keep busy.”
She frowns.
“Ether, it’s nine in the evening, what did I tell you about resting–”
“If I don’t go, who will stay with Mort?”
I blurted out the words. Salem’s eyes widen in surprise as I keep going.
“I don’t want her to be alone when she wakes up.”
(Like I woke up alone and confused and scared and cold)
“Please. I’ll promise I'll go rest afterwards, just let me do this. I beg you.”
She looks at me pensively for a while, then sighs.
“Well. Do as you like. It’s not like I can stop you. But if you overwork yourself again, then you’ll hear about it. Are we clear?”
“We are,” I reply as I get my coat on.
“Hey… Miss Ether?”
I turn around to look at Nru.
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
Her smile is faint, but genuine. I smile too. Hoping that it doesn't show how much I wanna cry.
“You're welcome. I’ll take good care of her. Promise. You two rest easy, okay?”
I put my shoes on, close the door behind me. Fresh air. I breathe in, and out. It’s okay. It’s okay. I need to be strong.
I pull out my phone to see the itinerary. There's a text from Leonova.
“Well? Not answering your door anymore? Scared of the consequences of your actions, honey?”
Of course she came back. But this time, I'm not scared. I’m angry. So I text back.
“I have better things to do than talk to you right now.”
It’s not like this shit can get any worse.
My undying love, now I hold it like a grudge
And I hear your voice every time that I think I'm not enough
There isn't much to do in the gynaecology unit. One of my colleagues is already on guard duty. She looked surprised to see me. Apart from tidying a few tools and files, I quickly find myself with nothing on my hands. So I go to Mort’s room after asking at the reception.
My hand is shaking on the handle as I push it down. Afraid of what I might find. Yet I've seen horrible things. Corpses. Infected genitals. Crying teenagers. But suddenly, this is what I'm afraid of.
She's… asleep. Her body is covered in little cuts, probably due to the glass shattering. There’s a bandage on her forehead, probably where they had to stitch her up. She's pale, but her hand is warm when I take it. I look at her closed eyelids. The purplish eyebags under them. The bruises on her skin. I can still smell the blood on her, but she looks so peaceful.
A nurse comes in around midnight, tells me the details. Minor concussion. A few stitches. No fractures, a miracle. No surgery needed, either. That's a relief.
She asks me if I want to stay for the night, I say yes, I'll just sleep in a chair. She smiles and nods before leaving. I'm grateful for that. A lot of nurses would have just kicked me out.
I focus my attention on Mort again. Her hair is spread out messily on the pillow. She usually takes such good care of it, it's weird to see. They'll get damaged if I leave it like that… But she's asleep and… well. Nothing much to lose here.
I slowly gather up her hair, take a few strands in my hands. She doesn't wake up. Good. I start to bread the hair, gently. It’s dusty, there's dried blood in it still, but I can at least make it look pretty. It takes me a while since her hair is super long, but the result isn’t too bad. She hasn't moved an inch during the whole process. It's almost scary. I push some hair away from her forehead. Hesitate.
Fuck it.
I lean down and kiss it, right next to the bandage. Her skin is warm under my lips. Then I whisper in her ear.
“Hey. You better wake up soon. We’re waiting for you.”
She should be out of danger. But she’s so still and pale. Maybe she doesn’t want to wake up, and I couldn't blame her. But I don't want her to go just yet.
I can't think of anything worse than her dying right now.
This world is a wasteland where nothing can grow
If it weren't for you, I'd be here all alone
I know in my heart this is where we belong
This world is a wasteland
Don't let me go, go, go, go, go, go, go
A hand is caressing my hair. Softly. It’s nice. My neck hurts, must have fallen asleep…
Wait. Mort.
I open my eyes. She’s here. Looking at me. Smiling faintly. And her fingers are still in my hair.
“... Mort?”
I blink, to make sure that I'm not dreaming. She doesn’t disappear. Her eyes are moving to mine. She's here.
“You're awake,” I whisper. I could cry with relief.
She has a little, unusual laugh.
“The morphine has to still be in effect… I feel way too good.”
It makes me laugh too. At least she's not in pain. I slowly sit up, rubbing my eye, and suddenly she grabs my hand, sitting upright in the bed, fear glinting in her eyes.
“You’re… You're staying… aren’t you?”
I…
I don't think I've ever seen her like this before.
I put my other hand, my fake one, on top of hers. Even if it can't feel much. This time I don't have to force a smile.
“I'm not going anywhere. Promise.”
She sighs. Falls back against the mattress. She looks better. The fact that she’s moving and talking and breathing helps.
We talk. She asks me what happened. The other driver. Bazyli. Didn't think I’d see him again after all this time. I just tell her he’s okay. She wants to look at herself in a mirror, so I give her the pocket one I use to fix my make-up when I wear any. She looks at herself for a while, then says, with a lot of irony,
“Well, I have quite the good profile.”
She does. She's still beautiful. But that wouldn’t be really appropriate to say, would it? For now, I'm just glad that she's here. Talking. Even if we're gonna have to discuss what happened eventually, it’s still something. I smile. I joke around. She’s too tired to deal with it, but she doesn't hold it against me.
She isn't mad at me. It’s more than I can ask for. So I try to push down the feelings. At least for a while. I can't, shouldn’t want more than this, and yet I do. Even as everything is still going to shit and the end to our problems is still so far away. Even as I'm the cause of all this, I don’t want to ever let go of her hand.
Heh. I really am the worst, huh?
If you changed anything, would you not have survived?
