#lelyas

   HAPPY BIRTHDAY,  MAC!   @lelyas  /  @vasilievna .   i am so very,  very happy to be able to spend it with you.  i’ve told you time & again how much you mean to me,  & how happy i am to be your friend,  & i have a good excuse to say it again!  you are one of my BEST friends in the whole world,  & i’m so lucky to have you in my life  <3  you have been a constant in my life for,  what,  over 2 years now ?   &  i can’t imagine where i’d be without you now.   you are such an amazing,  kind,  wonderful,  funny person,  no one gets me like you do,  & i’m so,  so grateful to have you as my friend.  you deserve only the best birthday in the world,  & all the best days after that.   i’m trying to think of more i can say that i haven’t already said in the past,  so here we go ... ! 

you have talent in SPADES,  mac.  your writing has blown me away time & again,   has left me awed & upset & happy all at once.  you’ve been an INSPIRATION to me for a long time now,  you’re one of my FAVORITE people to write with,  ever.  you push me to do better & work harder to improve my own writing.  not only that,  but your dedication to helene is honestly so impressive--sticking to her like you have,  pouring the amount of effort & time & thought you have,  it’s amazing,  & you’ve made me fall in love with her character so completely,  i could never hear the name helene kuragina without thinking of you & what you’ve said about her first.  & it’s not just with helene that your creativity shines.  i’m constantly left amazed by the wonderful,  creative,  thoughtful portrayals of characters (both original & canon) you’ve let me see.  your heart,  your effort,  your creativity,  your TALENT,   it’s all such an inspiration to me to do & be better.

speaking of,  all of our dynamics ... all of our plots ... you are my FAVORITE person to plot with.  everything we’ve developed together has become so near & dear to my heart.  my favorite ships EVER are all with you,  & it turns out WE are the most ambitious crossover in history.  you always make it so easy to come up with interesting,  well thought out dynamics full of life that actually make SENSE,  & i’m so so happy to get to do that with you.  

& not just with plotting,  either.  talking to you is one of the funniest.  easiest,  most natural things in the world.  there’s never an awkward moment.  we can talk about just about anything & connect on it.  we have SO much in common that it’s almost scary.  & honestly, i feel like i can trust you with just about anything. once again,  we come back to You Are My Favorite Person In The World.  you effortlessly make me feel better when i’m upset.  you’ve seen me at my worst & my best,  you’ve helped me,  & you’ve stuck by me through it all,  & i cannot express to you how much that means to me.  & i will ALWAYS be there for you,  no matter what,  i promise.  

❝    so ,   mrs .   murdock .   ----      ❞     the title catches ,   just a little ,   a breathless quality hanging by the thread of his own conditioned hesitance with something so delicate as this ,   new  &  gossamer soft  ----  this is the unmaking of learned fear ,   of waiting for the end ,   &   god ,   he loves her ,   a devotion down to the marrow .  he tilts his head low to meet her forehead with his own .   one hand presses to hers ,  the other to the small of her back ,   thumb caressing the ring about her finger .      ❝     the tabloids say our brand new ,      ❞     a teasing scoff   &   grin ,      ❝    romance is dying before it’s even begun .   i just want honesty   -----   are you really having an affair with brad pitt ?       ❞

SENTENCE STARTERS :  MABEL .      @lelyas .    accepting .

❝      NO ,   I’M REAL .      I WAS REAL .     as real as it all was .    oh ,   lelya  …      ❞        at last ,   her voice cracks with the weight of an age passed ,   as if their shared history suddenly collapsed upon her shoulders  &  sent her to her knees .   they are more aligned now ,   face to face ,   a girl in the dirt   &   a girl in the water ,   both stained by magic in their own terrible  &  wonderful ways .    beneath her ,   the ground yields wetly ,   grime etching into her knees  &  her palms all muddy  &  cold  &  dark .   one hand she drags across the length of her skirt ,   so that she might reach out  &  caress hélène’s cheek with the soft heel of her palm .   but it hovers in the air ,   caught in hesitation ,   unwilling to give without permission .  the years between them ache in their phantom pains ,   &   september smiles ,   a rueful ,   miserable thing that flutters wrongly on her doe - like face .

❝     𝙰𝙻𝚁𝙸𝙶𝙷𝚃 ,   𝙼𝙰'𝙰𝙼 .       ❞      she pulls the passenger side car door open ,   a smooth motion accompanied by a get - in gesture with her other hand .      ❝     where to ,   miss kuragina ?      ❞

( all that i wanted wasn’t unwanted )

THE COUNTESS BEZUKHOVA HAD NOT GRACED PARIS  for two years , and yet how well it suited her :  even in the dark ,  the seine glittered for her ,  and the passers-by turned to glance ,  and , even in the chill of autumn ,  paris had a warmth.  christine had forgotten how hot it burned  ;  it curled in her chest and rippled out in spirals through her limbs.  she could hardly fathom how much she enjoyed it ,  before it all ,  and even now.  had it ached so much when they were young ?  ––––  but how young they were ,  and how little they knew it.  the ring that adorned hélène’s finger and the title that accompanied her name and that man who stole her away :  how  old  christine felt in the face of it all.

her letters had failed her.  hélène’s ,  too ,  had failed in the months after her wedding.  it was not as if christine felt betrayed  ––––  betrayal had not been quite the word for it.  or perhaps it had ,  and christine had not dared to assign such a sin to her lover.  christine wrote again the following summer.  there is a heart in paris that yearns for you every night.  there is a heart for you here , should you claim it.  say ,  it is mine ,  and you shall have it.  say ,  you are mine ,  and i shall remain so.

but how foreign their bodies had seemed to each other tonight as they stumbled from the palais garnier to the water.  they dared not touch where others could see ; but that was no matter.  yet they once would have glanced at each other with the giddiness of their shared secret  ;  now ,  the weight of it forced their gaze forward.  but as they peered over the seine ,  christine heard a whisper in her ear.   ❛  in petersburg ––––  ❜  the silence returned but for a moment ,  full and yearning for the words that were sure to come.  ❛  in petersburg ,  christya ,  i say your name in hopes you’ll hear it in the stars.  ❜

how much her lover sounded like the lover of her school days ,  every sentiment breathy and poetic and yet  real ,  opened before her ,  beneath her.  how young hélène’s heart must be to say such a thing ,  to romance her like this ,  and how young am i ,  thought christine happily ,  that it has taken all the years away.  

IT WAS NOT AS IF HÉLÈNE’S POWER HAD EVER BEEN  unnoticeable to christine before the academy’s first ball :  christine had been  the willing subject  of distant glances and suggestive whispers and brief ,  yearning kisses for too long to be unaware of the influence that hélène could hold ,  and hold tight  ––––  like the grasp of a fencer on her hilt  ––––  like a grasp upon a bird ,  light enough to keep it breathing steadily and firm enough to stop its flight.  how christine adored her place in that grasp.  and how  frightened  she had been for tonight ,  at the thought that she might have to share it.

but as hélène had woven in and out of various conversations ,  between smitten guests from the boys’ school and adoring peers from their own ,  it was  christine’s  gaze that she met.  it was for christine that hélène had smirked ,  bit her lip ,  played so well with the others.  hadn’t it ?  and it was now ,  at the end of the night and before the door to their bedroom ,  that hélène had come behind her to whisper an offer too sweet to refuse.  christine’s joy burst out in chorus within her :  for me  for me  for me !

christine watched in paralyzing delight as hélène stepped forward ,  as she opened the door ,  as she slipped inside ,  as she turned to meet the gaze of her admirer.  it is one thing indeed to witness power  ;  it is another altogether to witness power that opens itself to you ,  invites you to praise it.  ––––  i could praise her forever ,  christine thought ,  her mind clear with a contentment that hélène had made possible.  she stepped inside their shared apartment slowly ,  desirous of so much but of nothing more than the extension of her present delight.  yet when christine had closed the door ,  and they once more stood alone together ,  christine could not help but remark how  human  her goddess looked ,  standing before her now.  she stepped closer , and more human still she became ,  as if the hélène of the rest of the world fell away for her to reveal the lelya of her days ,  her dreams ,  her desires.