You did indeed talk the next day, and the day after that, and the week after that. Conversations with Tyler were usually very positive , very lucid. There was no lull in conversation, no depressing topics; you truly enjoyed each other's company. Which was a juxtaposition to all the other conversations you had on that app. Everyone was always so negative, so down, and you understood why. People go through things and life is hard ; itâs just nice to have someone that can distract from all of that rather than harp on it.
âHave you told him that you also live in Columbus?â Emery walked shoulder to shoulder with you; shiny blonde hair glinting in the September sun. Her tongue flicked out tasting her ice cream cone she got at the creamery on the corner of main st. Your eyes fell to your feet, watching the cracks in the cement pass under your shoes.
âNo-â you shake your head with a small sigh â-I only told him I live in the Midwest, I didnât want to make things weird. I donât know.â The idea of telling him that you lived in the same town as him had crossed your mind multiple times. Maybe you guys could hangout? But; youâd seen too many dateline , nightmare , crime shows to want to meet in person with him just yet. After all , nice as he seems, heâs still just a random stranger on the internet. For now you were just glad to chat with him on âGO-IT-ALONEâ.
âAre you gonna go to the show he told you about?â Another quick swipe of her tongue over vanilla ice cream. Your stomach growled and you mentally kicked yourself for not also purchasing a cone.
Emery was of the belief that you and Tyler would start dating any second now. She was wrong. Ever the hopeless romantic , Emery could make a match of any two people. She believed in that sort of thing. The love at first sight- right place right time- soulmate thing. You did too just not for yourself. Plus a romantic relationship just wasn't what you were looking for right now; and with your luck Tyler was probably already married- not that youâd given that any thought.
Xxxxxxxxxx 3 weeks later xxxxxxxxxxx
âI think thatâs itâ his voice was barely above a choked whisper, holding back tears he desperately did not want to shed. Not here. The sensation of keeping them in his eyes made his throat feel like he had a bundle of needles lodged in it. Sable eyes scanned the empty, off grey walls of the now cleared out dorm room. Sebastian planned on moving in with another student.
A pile of suitcases and bags awaited him in the hall. He was going back home. He dropped out and now felt like a complete loser. A failure. He made it two and a half years. He just couldnât do it anymore , college was not what he wanted; and he knew it wouldnât be but he went because itâs what everyone expected him to do. He wanted to write music, itâs the only thing that gave him purpose, made him feel like he was clearing the unspoken words like dust from his lungs. The only thing that plucked the cobwebs from his brain and made him feel new and awake. It was all he thought about.
âCome on honeyâ his moms voice floated in the room like a message in a bottle slowly eases its way onto shore.
He felt like a child. Running back home, back to square one.
*theyâll think you a failure*
*your mother is embarrassed*
And there went the voice.
He sighed, feeling like someone just rested bags of rock salt on each shoulder and tied cannon balls to each ankle.
âTyler?â The message bottle floated up again, onto his shores. Heâd thought heâd been walking, looking down at his feet to check, he was wrong. There he stood , still rooted to the ground staring at the wall.
A hand warmed his shoulder and brushed away the salt bags; the cannon balls unchained from his ankles. The scent of his moms floral perfume wrapped itself around him like a hug for his nervous system and he took a breath.
âSorry momâ cracked out of his dry needle infested throat. She pulled him in for a hug , rubbing circles into his back.
âDonât be sorry, college isnât for everyoneâ
Her words were meant to be a comfort but they had the opposite effect. They made him feel like there was something inherently wrong with him. Like he just couldnât quite make it. It made him feel so viciously isolated.
*college isnât for everyone*
After he got settled back home , he sat in his room in silence. It felt the same. He had thought maybe everything would feel different now, like he was a different person than he was two and a half years ago. And maybe he seemed that way to everyone, seemed different. Perhaps even better than he was. But he was still the same Tyler, and he knew nothing had changed. For some reason he felt comfortable in that truth.
Gazing out his window he lay on his bed over the sheets , under the covers. The darkening sky was the color of plums and bruises. Holding up his finger he connected the stars like dots, drawing constellations that he made up in his mind.
His phone chimed on the nightstand next to him. His arm dropped. He knew who that was , he knew it was her.
He hasnât spoken to (Y/N) in almost a month , three weeks now.
*youâre going to make her hate you*
Even though he hasnât read any of her messages or logged onto âGO-IT-ALONEâ she persisted in reaching out, checking in. Though he got the feeling he was running out of time. Any day now his phone would chime and her username would pop up for the last time.
He felt like an asshole⌠he just didnât have the energy to hold a conversation with anyone not even (Y/N). He couldnât tell her he dropped out.
*What would she think of me?*
Blinking slowly he attempted to conjure up an image of you. Which was a pointless endeavor, heâs never seen a photo of you before. Your profile photo on the app is just a photo of a painting, one of Claude Monetâs. All he had was your laugh. The first night he talked to you , you sent a voice message of you laughing at some lame joke he made. Admittedly, he screen recorded the voice message; recorded your laugh. So he could listen to it whenever he wanted because it was such a contagious , joyful sound. Recording it was an impulsive choice , the first time he heard it something told him heâd want to hear it again and again.
His finger swiped away the notification and he went to his photos. His thumb immediately found the screen recording. Cocoa colored gaze shifted back out the window to the stars as the video played and your laugh filled the room like a sudden explosion of âwell-beingâ. A smile cracked his face just as a knock came on the door. He closed the video and dropped his phone.
The door opened an inch and Maddy peaked her dark head in the door. Her eyes adjusting to the darkness.
âOh my gosh what are you a vampire??â She opened the door fully now and flicked on the light. Tyler chuckled and sat up in his bed.
âJust relaxing,â he said.
She stepped in the room giving it a once over. âIt looks exactly the same in hereâ she commented with a small chuckle. Tyler followed her gaze around the familiar walls.
âOf course it does itâs my roomâ
To which Maddy replied âthought maybe youâd redecorate a little-â she shrugged âcould be funâ
Tyler gave an absentminded hum of acknowledgment.
âYeahâŚ.maybeâ He wasnât in the mood to play Martha Stewart just yet.
âAnyway I just wanted to say welcome home, we missed you. Glad youâre backâ she smiled at him, an earnest genuine smile; and it warmed the edges of his heart.
âI wasnât very farâ he responded , his voice softened.
âNo, but you were so busy, it felt like you were farâ her smile faltered and he felt a kernel of guilt lodge its way into his chest.
âIâm sorry. But donât worry, now Iâll be home so much you'll be sick of meâ
Her smile bloomed again , which made him feel better but the kernel of guilt didnât budge.
âYeah and Iâm sure itâll take no time at allâ she retorted, resorting back to normal brother sister banter.
His phone went off again, this time signaling an incoming call. Who would be calling him? Maddyâs brown eyes dropped to his bed where his phone lay on his blanket. Tyler grabbed it and looked at the caller ID.
Maddyâs brow shot up âwhoâs that?â She was notoriously nosy.
His heart kicked up in his chest as the name flashed across his screen.
âUh - itâs-â he tripped over his words and his sister's eyes flashed like sheâd just solved a mystery. âDo you have a girlfriend?!â Her excitement buzzed in the air. Tyler hadn't had a girlfriend in three years and Maddy had wondered when this day would come.
âNo sheâs just - a friendâ he shook his head running a flustered hand through mahogany hair.
INCOMING CALL: @RidiculousMan
(Y/N)âs calling? His leg bounced anxiously as he debated if he should answer or not. He wanted to talk to her, to explain himself. Guilt and more guilt pumped through his veins. She was worried about him and he was blatantly ignoring her. His thumb hovered over the green button. Hesitating.
He jumped up from his bed and walked out to the hall. If he was going to talk to her he needed privacy. He strode down the hall, down the stairs through the kitchen and out towards the back deck. Just when he was going to push outside and answer the call his phone fell silent and the screen went dark.
A breath broke from his chest, arms falling to his sides, partly with relief and partly with regret. He knew he didnât owe you anything , you didnât even know each other that well. But you had been talking to each other nearly non-stop until the day he stopped responding. Why did it feel so wrong? Why did it make him feel like a villain?
*What if something is wrong with her?*
He hadn't stopped to think that maybe she was reaching out because she needed someone. The kernel of guilt in his chest grew larger and burrowed itself deeper, closer to his heart.
*selfish* the voice flashed.
He felt like he was going to come out of his skin. He was so frustrated with himself. He walked across the lawn , unlatched the back fence and walked down the sleepy street. The air was cool and crisp, refreshing his steaming skin. A few cars passed by every now and then, lights from homes glowed like honey through curtained windows. As he got closer to Main Street the homes were replaced by businesses. Neon lights flickering their luminescent colorful light across the pavement, wet with recent rain.
A few patrons crowded outside of bars like gnats. Smoking cigarettes , laughing , tripping over each other. He kept a steady pace , he didnât want to talk to anyone or be noticed. By the time he got to the park the sky was completely black , the moon wasnât visible tonight and the stars provided little assistance.
It was less of a park and more of a small wooded area next to the lake with a bench on the shore. Lanterns lit a path down the hill to the water, he came here every once in a while to think , to pray, to get away from stuff for a while. He hadn't even been home for a full day yet and he already needed to get out of the house. Was leaving college a mistake?
*college isnât for everyone*
Tylerâs steps slowed when he saw a figure sitting on the bench a few feet ahead of him. Too dark to make out whether it was a man or woman. He turned and leafs crunched under his shoes.
âHelloâŚ?â A reluctant voice filled the air, a feminine voice. It stopped him in his tracks.
âSorry, I didnât mean to bother youâ he said back with a softer tone so as to not frighten her. He saw the figure shift â-oh you can stay Iâve been here long enoughâ her tone was gentle , she wasnât scared but he didnât hear a bit of a crack , a warble.. had she been crying?
*none of your business. Donât be a hero Tyler. Just go*
His eyes lifted to the night sky and he drew in a chilled breath. If he left without a word would it be rude? Should he say something?
He heard them stand and car keys jingle. He didnât even see a car when he walked through the Parking lot on the hill.
âNo donât leave , itâs okay I can goâ he said, raising a hand gesturing for them to sit back down.
âYou were here first,â he added.
âWell⌠we can both stay, the bench has room enough for twoâ she spoke after a few breaths of silence.
Tyler scratched his head, did he really want to stay here with this stranger? Wasn't he supposed to be having some time alone to clear his head? Before he could stop himself his legs started moving towards her, towards the bench.
She sat back down, he heard her keys drop somewhere probably into a purse. The closer he got the better he could see her but it was still too dark to make out everything. From what he saw, she was pretty. Looked to be around his age.
He wondered what she was doing out here all alone at night.
âDonât worry Iâm not some psycho serial killerâ she blurted as though that thought was something on the forefront of his mind. He huffed a laugh, shoving his hands in his pockets.
âThatâs exactly what a psycho serial killer would say⌠but I believe youâ he replied , resting against the back of the bench.
Her laughter bubbled up into the air and something about it leaned toward familiarity. His brow quirked with interest.
âI guess youâre rightâ she sniffled, so she had been crying. Despite the streaked tear stains on her cheeks she was still chucking at his lame joke.
There was more silence, save for the water of the lake lapping at the shoreline. Cars in the distance, the other side, headlights peppering the horizon.
âAre you alright?âŚâ the words left his mouth and he wished he could pluck them from the air and put them back into his head.
She looked at him with an expression of slight confusion before it clicked. âOh!â Her hands lifted, wiping her tears away with her sleeve. âSorryâ she added softly. She didnât sound embarrassed, and he envied that fact. She wasnât afraid to cry in front of a stranger.
Even with tears in her eyes she was pretty, the dampness making her eyes shine against the starlight. A reddish blush blooming on her cheeks from the chilled night air.
âDonât be sorryâŚâ he couldn't think of anything else to say and his leg began to bounce rapidly again.
âJust kind of a rough dayâŚ. Rough month actually. Not awesomeâ the last two words left her lips with self deprecating laughter. Before Tyler could respond she was talking again.
âAnd itâs dumb-â she shook her head picking at the fabric of her pants.
â-being ghosted is a dumb thing to cry about right?â Looking out at the water she bit her lip between her teeth. Deep in thought.
âThatâs not a dumb thing to be upset about, it hurts to be ignored, especially if itâs by someone you care about â his voice was light in an attempt to be comforting. The words made him feel like a hypocrite considering (Y/N) was probably at home right now feeling the same way as this poor girl.
âThatâs the thing-â she spoke, sounding frustrated with herself. â-I havenât known them long enough to justify being this upset about itâ she shifted her position , angling her body towards him letting her posture slacken, the weight of her emotions holding her down.
âI have a problem with overestimating my importance in peopleâs lives⌠I do this all the time, every time I meet someone I-â she shakes her head , her palms lifting towards the sky before dropping back down on her thighs in frustration with herself.
*is this how (Y/N) feels?*
The kernel of guilt had now grown into a stone and it hurt , lodged in between his ribs. His breath left his mouth with a weighted sigh. Should he message her? Call her back?
The girl kept talking , explaining her situation but Tyler didnât hear her, he was too focused on talking to (Y/N). He had to explain himself. He opened the GO-IT- ALONE app and there was her name. She was the last person he spoke to; over three weeks ago. He had messages from a few other people as well but hers was the most recent and probably the most consistent if he had to bet.
He had a handful of unread messages from her. He straightened his back and steeled himself to read them.
20d ago- @RidiculousMan: hey Ty!
20d ago- @RidiculousMan: hope you had a good day :)
17d ago: @RidiculousMan: Hey, me again! Sorry if Iâm bugging you just wondering how youâre doing.
His jaw clenched at the idea of her thinking she was being a bother. She wasnât..he wanted to tell her so.
13d ago- @RidiculousMan: Emery keeps asking about you, hope youâre doing okay
9d ago- @RidiculousMan: Tyler? Iâm worried about you.
7d ago- @RidiculousMan: did I do something wrong? Iâm sorry..
*donât be sorry you have nothing to be sorry for.. I should be sorry*
1hr ago- @RidiculousMan: *missed call*
57m ago- @RidiculousMan: Iâm sorry I called, Iâll let you go.
That was it, the last message. He ran a hand through his hair feeling a cocktail of emotions all of which were bad. His fingers yapper at his screen in a desperate haste. It suddenly felt very crucial that he talk to her now, right now. He had never in the last few weeks felt such an urgent need for her as he did in this moment.
*youâre gonna lose her*
10:05 pm- @Ledges: (Y/N) Iâm so sorry. I can explain.
He hit send , and his heart dropped when he heard the familiar ding of the GO-IT-ALONE notification tone go off on the girl's phone next to him. His head lifted and found her gaze already on him. Peering at him with wide, tear filled eyes glazed over with disbelief. Her face illuminated by the light of her phone screen. His screen name on display.
She swallowed heavily then a warm tear fell down her cheek. âTyler?..â
A/N: hi everyone! I hope you enjoyed this chapter thank you for reading. If youâd like to be on the tag-list for future chapters please let me know!
