#learningacceptanceme

Part 14 – War Sweater

Battle lines drawn if you wonder which side speaks the truth Then look closely to which speaks from pride I love you, I swear it, I would never lie

But I fear for our lives and I fear your closed eyes

Rae’s hand was clammy and felt weird clasped inside Finn’s hand nonetheless it was comforting to do so, despite the uncomfortable waiting room chair that Finn had wedged himself into. His mind raced as he thought about the events that had brought them to the hospital.

-

“Rae.” Finn shouted, panic in his voice as he pleaded with Rae to come out of her trance.

She stood, still glued to the spot and staring at her step-father with a haunting look in her eyes that made Finn shout out for her even more.

“RAE.”

Rae shook her head for a second and suddenly everything snapped back into normal time. Rae reached for the phone and hit ‘999’.

“Hello,” She whispered, “I need an ambulance please.”

-

When they had arrived Karim had been taken through some doors and Rae and Finn were left behind. A passing nurse told them to go to the waiting room and there was any news then they would be informed. Rae’s eyes had never left the closed doors that led to Karim. There had been no opportunity for discussion but Finn didn’t care. She had reached for his hand so quickly and so tightly that Finn knew she was still in there, that any darkness that might have been tempting for her hadn’t got her just yet. Rae still needed Finn and that was all that mattered.  

However, except for the few saddened glances that were passed and slight tightening of grips, the silence was a little scary for Finn. He was worried about how Rae would cope if she lost Karim as well; he needed to know what she was thinking.

Finn closed his eyes. Taking a deep breath, he tried to open the connection that had blocked for far too long. He let out a sigh of relief as he felt Rae’s mind opening up to him.

“Rae, please talk to me. Tell me how your feeling.”

Rae’s hand tightened around Finn’s and she turned to look at him. Her eyes were filled with unshed tears and the immensity of her vulnerability knocked the breath out of Finn a little.

“Finn, I don’t know what to do. I can’t… I can’t lose him too.”

Finn leant forward and rested his forehead against hers in an attempt to give her more comfort.  

“Rae, he will be ok. He’s strong, healthy and he will fight whatever this is and still be here for you. He loves you Rae.”

Finn could feel Rae’s head shake against his in denial of his words.

“That’s what I don’t understand Finn. He’s relatively young and he’s never had any health problems… so why is this happening? This isn’t normal.”

Finn opened his eyes and moved his head back slightly to look at Rae. She looked broken and defeated, like she had lost hope. It scared him, the loss of hope could lead to her dissent into darkness again.

“Rae, do not give up on him. He needs you just as much as you need him. You have both lost someone and you need to be there for each other. We know Karim will fight but he will need your help Rae. Fight for him.”

Rae finally opened her eyes and let her tears fall. She nodded slightly and slowly leaned forward, placing a very gentle kiss on Finn’s lips. His eyes closed at the contact. It felt good to finally have her kiss again and it overwhelmed him; he felt his own tears begin to form and squeezed his eyes tighter so that they didn’t give way.

There was an uncomfortable cough and Finn and Rae split, looking to the intruder. The doctor was standing in front of them and Rae rushed to her feet.

“Is there any news?” She begged and the doctor narrowed his eyes at her.

“Who are you in relation to Mr Bouchtat?” He asked.

“I’m his step-daughter,” she gulped, “He’s my legal guardian.”

“Where’s Mrs Bouchtat.” The doctor asked, checking down his chart.

The doctor looked tired, his hair slightly greying and there were far too many frown lines on his forehead and between his eyes. He regarded Rae with lack of sympathy and patience for an emotional seventeen year old girl.

“She’s dead.” Rae spoke coldly.

Finn stared at Rae, biting his cuticles nervously and waiting for the doctor’s next sentence.

“Right,” the Doctor cleared his throat, “Mr Bouchtat has fallen into a coma. We’ve run all the tests possible and can’t find anything wrong with him. It’s a complete mystery but we’re trying to get to the bottom of it, I promise.”

Rae nodded and turned around. The doctor excused himself and Finn looked at Rae. Rae was crying and Finn pushed himself up so that he was close to her again. He wrapped his arms around her, cocooning her in warmth and love.

“He’s going to die Finn. I just know it.”

Finn blinked his own tears away; he needed to be strong for Rae.

“Don’t say that Rae. You don’t know it and he’ll be ok.”

“How can you possibly say that Finn?”

Finn’s eyes met Rae’s and they stared at each other for a little bit, sharing emotions silently. Finn wrapped his arms around Rae tighter and placed a kiss against her forehead.

“We’ll do something, I promise.”

His mind jumped to Archie and he made a promise to himself that he’d ring for Archie or something, get him to the hospital as soon as possible. He just needed to hold Rae a bit longer.

“Sit here.” Finn whispered a few moments later and he sat Rae down in the chair.

Pacing over to the pay phone, he slotted a couple of twenty pences into the machine and dialled Archie’s number. It rang a couple of times before Archie picked up and Finn sighed yet another breath of relief.

“Archie!” He cried, “You have to get to the hospital.”

-

Archie and the rest of the gang walked hurriedly into the waiting room. Izzy, Chloe and Tix immediately ran over to Rae, each placing a hand on her shoulder in an attempt to comfort her. Finn made his way over to Archie and Chop.

“Arch, thanks for coming mate. Rae really needs you to do this.” He tried to bring a small smile to his face but he couldn’t manage it.

Tix grasped Rae’s shoulder tightly “Rae, we all looked through the house and we found nothing out of the ordinary, nothing that could cause Karim to be this way.”

Finn noticed that Tix gave Rae a pointed look and the slight nod that Rae gave in return but before he could ask by what she meant, Archie stepped forward and spoke out to Rae.

“Rae, I promise I will try my hardest to help him.”

Rae smiled small and nodded at Archie. She grabbed his hand and stood, and started leading Archie towards Karim’s room.

“He’s through here,” she whispered.

The group of friends walked into Karim’s room and all stared in horror at the sight before them. Karim, usually so full of life and vibrancy, was lying on the hospital bed looking pale and drawn with tubing coming out of every available space of his body. A sob escaped Rae and Finn leant forward, placing his arms around her and taking her into a tight hug. She couldn’t stand to look at Karim so broken, all those machines attached to him. Rae buried her face in the crook of Finn’s neck and cried.

-

The whole scene was horrible, and Archie swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat and stepped forward. He was about to place his hands on Karim when he could feel the eyes of every one of his friends on him, waiting for him to give them the hope that Karim would be ok. He felt his nerves begin to rise in his body and his hands started to shake. He took a deep breath but the nerves didn’t subside. He just needed to be alone.

He turned to his friends. “Guys, I’m sorry but can I do this alone? I need to concentrate.”

Chloe, Tix, Izzy and Chop all nodded and turned to leave the room, whilst Finn was gently whispering to Rae, gradually leading her through the door. Once he was alone Archie felt he could breathe enough to do what he needed to do. He closed his eyes and placed his hands on Karim, one on his head, one on his heart.

Delving into Karim’s body he headed straight to Karim’s heart. It was beating strong; nothing wrong. Karim’s lungs looked as though they had taken a beating; slightly red and bruised but with a little persuasion they healed almost immediately. Archie then searched the rest of Karim’s chest and found nothing wrong. He checked Karim’s mind and but again, there was nothing there to show why he was in the coma.

He searched through the rest of his body and found nothing. Archie drew himself out of Karim’s body and pated for breath. He searched and searched and found… nothing. He couldn’t understand why Karim was this way; there was nothing inside him to indicate the reason behind him coma.

Archie stood and walked out of Karim’s room and into the waiting room. Six heads raised as he walked into the room and when they noticed Archie’s beaten expression, all their hopeful expressions dropped.

Rae stood and walked over to Archie, “Archie, tell me he’s ok. Tell me he’s awake.” Rae’s voice shook and the tears began to stream down her face.

“I’m sorry Rae. I found some bruising on his lungs but I healed that and then, nothing. He’s fine Rae, I don’t know what’s wrong.”

Rae began to shake violently, “No you’re wrong! There has to be something!” Rae’s voice began to rise and she moved restlessly around the room, “you must have missed something, he can’t be like this for no reason!”

The small tables in the room began to shake as Rae’s emotions started to spiral.  

Chloe stood and walked over to Rae, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Rae, please-,”

Rae shrugged off Chloe’s hand and turned to her sharply, “No! There has to be something! He didn’t look properly! He couldn’t have!”

Finn walked over to Rae and turned her to him.

“Finn, why is he like this? He shouldn’t be like this!” Again, Rae buried her face into Finn’s shoulder and tried to subside her tears.

Archie looked at Finn, “I’m sorry. We’ll put some protections on the room but then I think we should all go home and get some rest.”

Rae looked back up at Finn. “I can’t leave him, I can’t leave-“

“Shh, Rae it’s ok. We can stay here as long as you need.” He whispered against her forehead as he placed a single kiss there.

-

The rest of the gang went back to Karim’s room and placed some protections all around him, warding off dark power and sending power to Karim, hoping that he would awake. As they made their way back to the living room, they quickly made their excuses and goodbyes to Finn and Rae.

As he left Archie whispered to Rae, “I’m sorry.”

She didn’t answer.

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Written by katywright340 and learningacceptanceme

Part Eleven – Need You Now

Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before

“Do you remember that time when we went to the park, y’know near the universities? And we just hung around for ages thinkin’ we were getting drunk off two bottles of WKD Blue?” Finn laughed as he took a sip of his beer.

Stacey cackled, her head tilting back and her mousey blonde hair falling down her back. “What were we, thirteen? How did we even get those bottles?”

“Jamie’s Uncle’s-“

“Friend’s girlfriend! Oh yes, I remember now.” Stacey smiled, “those were good times.”

“The best.” Finn grinned back.

Those times definitely did feel a lot simpler than as things stood now. It was like a dream that sometimes, only in a fleeting moment, Finn wished he could return to. Just as Finn was thinking about his past, the pub door blew open and his present walked in. Rae and Chloe hurried in out of the cold air, giggling with each other. Finn noticed Stacey tense up beside him and his eyes wandered between his girlfriend and his ex. It was a strange place that he’d never thought he’d be in.

Rae eyed them suspiciously and Finn watched as Stacey’s face turned into a grin. He knew her well enough that it was fake; probably from the death stare that Rae was giving the two of them as they sat alone in a booth.

Calm down.

He tried to reach Rae but he could tell that his messages weren’t being received. He grew angry; it was clear that Rae had blocked his messages and he hadn’t even done anything. He had thought that things were slowly getting better, especially after taking the boys advice.

“Rae…” He started but Rae immediately turned on her heel and was out of the door a lot quicker than she’d entered.

He ran after her, not caring about the fact that he’d abandoned Stacey sitting at the table. As he made his way to the door, he was about to reach for the handle to push it open but Chloe positioned herself between him and the door. Anger flashed through him as he stared at Chloe. He was ready to shove her out of the way but, as his hand made his way to touch her, he remembered that one touch could send him to his death.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Chloe barked, her eyes dangerous with rage.

“What do you mean Chloe?” He asked, crossing his arms across his chest and staring moodily at his friend.

“Why the fuck are you with that?” She asked, sending a dismissive scowl in Stacey’s direction.

“D’you know what… I can’t be fucked with this right now Chlo’. Not when me girlfriend is clearly upset.”

“Well you’d better because you’re doing an awful lot to piss MY best friend off.” Chloe spat.

“I haven’t done anything!” Finn insisted.

“Fuck off back to your precious new girl.” Chloe said with a flippant wave of her hand.  “I’m going to go find my best friend and see if she’s ok, I’ll see you at circle. If you come after us right now, I’ll touch you.”

Her eyes were darker than usual and Finn couldn’t help but wonder if her threat was more than just a threat. She made her way out of the pub and Finn was faced with two dilemmas; either to run after them and risk death, or sit back with Stacey and do nothing wrong.

He went for the second option.

As he went back over to sit with Stacey, she had a bright smile on her face. He smiled back quickly before taking a slurp of his beer and sitting upright, not even caring how uncomfortable it was. He needed Rae to open up to him, something was happening and he just couldn’t tell what.

Rae, I’m sorry.

Yet again he got a feeling that the message wasn’t being delivered and he groaned inwardly in frustration. He was brought out of his thoughts by a question that made him choke on the beer as he drunk. Spluttering over the table, he stared at Stacey with wide eyes.

“Pardon?”

She giggled, “Silly billy. I asked, what is a circle?”

“What do you mean?” Finn replied, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“That blonde bitch, her name Chloe?”

Finn nodded. “She’s not a bitch though.”

Stacey continued, “She said something about seeing you at Circle? What’s circle Finn? Some sort of cult you’ve joined since you’ve moved to the middle of nowhere?”

Finn laughed uncomfortably, “No. What makes you say that?”

“I don’t know Finn. Things are just a little weird since I got here… like, that girl. You’re like obsessed with her and she doesn’t seem all that great.”

“Rae?” Finn’s face screwed together in annoyance; “Rae’s amazing and I love her… that’s why I might seem like I’m obsessed with her… but I’m going to spend the rest of my life with her and I just know it.”

There was a silence between the two of them. Finn’s mind raced back to his vision when he’d seen Rae and him living a happy long life together. All the future that they had ahead of them and all the happiness that could be.

“Whatever you say…” Stacey replied, leaning back into the booth and watching Finn carefully.

He squirmed underneath her gaze.

“So what is a circle? You haven’t actually said.”

Finn searched ever crevice of his brain for a decent excuse or something that she could’ve misheard but he came up with nothing.

Rules: In a text post, list ten books that have stayed with you in some way. Don’t take but a few minutes, and don’t think too hard — they don’t have to be the “right” or “great” works, just the ones that have touched you. Tag [ten] friends, plus me so I’ll see your list. Make sure you let your friends know you’ve tagged them.

Diesel Fuel: Passionate Poetry by Pat Califia

Much Ado About Nothing by William Shakespeare

Perfect Madness: Motherhood in an Age of Anxiety by Judith Warner

Wild Child by Lynn Plourde

The Fires of Vesuvius: Pompeii Lost and Found by Mary Beard

Oh, The Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss

Neither Here Nor There: Travels in Europe by Bill Bryson

A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L'Engle 

Talk to the Hand by Lynne Truss

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Adventures by Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt

Added! Many thanks Bethany :) xx

[6/14/14, 8:56:13 PM] Bethany Joanna: He kissed me for a bit and walked out two whiz okra HAHAHAHHAHA

[6/14/14, 8:56:14 PM] Maggie: go him

[6/14/14, 8:56:26 PM] Maggie: you have lost all ability to spell

Thanks to katywright340 for encouraging me to post this! 

Part One.

Those who have asked to be tagged: arashian-emu, tinakegg, how-ardently, tzmufasa, raernundo, 

If you want to be tagged, let me know. 

Dedicated to my favourite album - because you saved my life more than once. (Coming Home - New Found Glory)

TW: in the tags

Coming Home – Part Two

Love and Pain

Just taking my time, planning out my escape I'm scared what I'll find but it's the choice I have To make

“Where’s Rae?” Finn croaked again, unable to register without her beside his side. He reached up to fiddle with his hair, but his hands fell upon his bald head. “Finn…” Finn’s dad shuffled closer to his son, pulling his son’s hands down and into his. Suddenly, everything zoomed back into focus for Finn. It’d been a dream; Rae’s flowing hair, her smile, her laugh, her tears, her fears. Everything had been a dream… everything except Rae. “Who’s Rae?” Archie asked again, and Chop looked at Finn with puzzlement on his face. Finn’s heart beat faster as he remembered everything about reality. Finn was a cancer kid; he’d lost his hair to chemo, his strength weakened by radio-therapy. “Rae’s a girl I met in chemo.” He whispered, his voice was raspy which caused his dad to reach for a cup of water and press it to his lips. After taking a couple of sips of the cool liquid, Finn felt slightly better as it ran down the back of his throat. “She’s great.” He whispered, a small smile coming onto his mouth.

Finn walked into the chemo room, he scowled as he plucked the earphones out of his ears out of request from the nurse. He had started to lose his hair that morning, it started to fall out in clumps while he was standing in the shower. He’d cried and his eyes felt red raw, only making his bad mood worse. He collapsed into the chair and let the nurse hook him up, he would’ve felt like a recovering addict getting his fix if he didn’t feel so bloody sick during the treatment. His eyes caught the gaze of a girl who sat opposite him. Her hair was completely gone, but her wide hazel coloured eyes captivated him. “Alright?” He asked and she smiled slightly at him. “Alright?” She replied.

“How come you never told us about her?” Chop asked and Finn shrugged. He saw that his dad was starting to look uncomfortable beside him, shuffling slightly in his seat. “So what happened to me?” Finn asked, ignoring his dad’s twitching. “You kinda just fell asleep and didn’t wake up for two weeks. Lazy bastard.” Archie smiled, causing a smirk to fall onto Finn’s face.

“So what did ya used to look like, before they pumped ya with chemicals?” Finn asked as they sat playing with a couple of beer mats he had in his bag. He missed drinking, but the very stench of alcohol made him want to throw up these days. She suddenly leaned forward, reaching for the sick bowl and throwing up. Finn’s hand jumped up as if it to pull her hair back but he then felt stupid as there was nothing to hold. Instead, his hand fell on her back and he patted it awkwardly. After she’d finished throwing up, she leant back in the seat. “Ugh, I look terrible.” She moaned, taking a wipe and cleaning her face. Finn reached for a chewing gum and passed it to her. “Nah, you could never look terrible.” He smiled reassuringly. “So what did ya used to look like?” He asked and she looked at him with a haunted look on her face. Slowly she shrugged and pulled her purse out of her bag, she pulled out a photograph which featured three girls in a photo booth smiling and laughing. “That’s me.” She said, pointing to a girl in the centre of the picture. Finn could hardly recognise her, she was still beautiful but chemo had destroyed her previous beauty. She was now gaunt in comparison to her previous fuller figure; she used to have stunning raven black hair that fell down past her bountiful breasts. She now was a frail figure, a former shell of herself, it didn’t matter. She was still perfect in Finn’s eyes.

Finn’s dad cleared his throat, drawing Finn’s attention towards him. Finn looked at his dad. “Go on da’ spit it out.” He said, rolling his eyes expecting a lecture from him about not being allowed to leave him. “It’s about Rae.” His dad whispered and Finn’s alarms went off inside his head. His dad had met Rae a few times and they’d hit it right off. Laughing and joking about music, claiming that Finn’s taste was rubbish.

“Nothing like a bit of Pink Floyd!” His dad laughed with Rae who giggled beside him. Finn rolled his eyes. “Pink Floyd are a load of crap.” Finn protested loudly, smiling slightly at the nurse as she came to check on him. “I think that Pink Floyd are the best band in the world.” Rae claimed, a teasing look in her eyes. Finn’s dad started to chat with the nurse and Finn leaned towards Rae. “I know you’re lying.” He whispered in her ear. “Me?! Lying… never Finlay Nelson!” She grinned.

“Finn, Finn.” Finn’s dad shook his hand, bringing him out of his flashback and Finn stared at his dad with a slight vacant look in his eyes. “Rae died two weeks ago, just as you went into your coma.” Finn’s dad whispered and Finn’s heart broke. He began to cry, wretching as he did so. His heart broke in two as he felt alone and nobody could do anything to console him.

Even I know, there's a line between emotion and Fate, faith You and me Love and pain