So I almost passed out while walking through a Target today and the only thing keeping me from not passing out was the strength that came from my not wanting people to see me as the crazy lady that passed out in Target that one day and I don't remember most of my time in there but I ended up with a little pillow with ghosts sewn on it and some vegan pumpkin waffles so I may have kind of blacked out but my autopilot got me back to my car safely. Thank you, Ashley, for trying and trying. And also, thank you to Sandy and Frank goddammit for being the light of my life. And thank you to my sister for somehow putting up with me being a miserable nervous emotional wreck more than half the time and having to listen to me complain and rant about all the tiny things in life that make me nervous. And I love everyone else I know so very much but I'm name dropping for this instance specifically because this was a very very bad episode and anyone that was there or gave me any attention at all helped a lot more than they probably realize. I find out in only 3 days if the book store is keeping me. I'm nervous. Scared. Need a hand to hold. A blanket to hide under. A tea to sip. A puppy to pat. Compassion makes you ache and I am struggling with not being upset with people that are either harming me or harming my car by slamming their car door into it and scratching the paint off because my cars already beat up anyways and they didn't know I was sitting in there Like Jesus Christ pay attention to what's around you, lady And lord almighty I'm struggling not to think bad thoughts about people like that. Often I find myself upset at a boy I used to date for possibly petty things. Id not be happy with him and I'm glad that I am not with him, but I recall how he left me when I needed him most. How he literally just fell off the face of the planet and decided he didn't have the strength to be with me. How he only contacted me afterwards if it seemed like I was "becoming something important" in life. The disappointment when he found out that I am still sad and still finding my way. The guilt and shame I'd feel about myself for simply existing after seeing him or speaking with him on the phone. That I'm not doing enough, that I am a waste. That I have to amount to something he wants to be worth anything at all. And that is utter trash that other beings can make you feel that way and so I'd absolutely love to practice not growing attached to other humans. I'm upset with many(not all) men I've encountered in my life and I've gotten to the point where I'm just tired and tired of it and I would love for a fellow to come along and be my best friend and kiss me under a bridge but I think that's unlikely because I'm just so tired of it and I'm so sick of trying to be interesting enough to people and with attachment comes some kind of eventual pain so god dammit I used to write and my mind is so busy anymore that all I can do is write run on sentences and incomplete thoughts
