#leafopal

I painted this portrait after I had lost a family member very dear to me. I remember the day she passed, it felt like a dagger dug into my heart and all my bones shattered to pieces.

I worked at the Hospital she passed at the time. Even though it was very reasonable to mourn, I couldn’t help but feel embarrassed over the fact I had broken down in front of all my coworkers. Sobbing ugly, wet tears with swollen eyes.

2021 was a year I painted quite a lot. I was very troubled, and felt like I was missing a big piece to my art but I couldn’t place what it was.

But in hindsight, 2020 and 2021 I had lost something deeply personal to me, a part of my humanity. It was loss that could never be replaced. I had to wade through the turbulent emotions of how to be the “new me”, because what I had loss would never be the same. And no matter how much I wished for it, I couldn’t have “that” back.

And no, I didn’t lose my humanity and become “heartless”. It felt like I was constantly bleeding out and every small thing reminded me of all the death I had witnessed and responded to.

I had painted almost 50 illustrations digitally within the year of 2021 and I think it was that important catharsis that helped me in 2022 realize I’m okay. My art feeling void and empty was a mirror into what I felt as my soul. It was time to rebuild, with different shapes and material, for something else.