#leadawinninglife

Jordan Peterson, psychologist, therapist, and author thoughtfully lays out 12 Rules For Life with a personal touch, giving meaning to his lessons. While reading I began to think of my mom, and the advice she would still be giving me if she were with us. These are the four that struck me the most.

1. Stand up straight with your shoulders back.

In nature, standing tall and projecting confidence is a protective posture showing strength and position on the upper rungs of the hierarchy. These confident animals have access to better shelters, more food, and a wider pick of potential mates. Much like humans.

What is your impression of a man I describe as hunched over, face donned with a frown, feet shuffling along the sidewalk? Characteristics associated with this image typify, “weak, feeble, frail, limp, inadequate, helpless, timid, and powerless.” Without being prompted you likely put shoddy clothes on your man. You probably gave him ratty hair and a dirty beard. Soon you imagine him as poor and unemployed, maybe homeless and without friends. Amazing how to derive an entire life profile of a man simply by describing him as hunched over with a frown.

The opposite is true of the man walking upright, shoulders back, his confident smile unafraid to look the world in the face. Be honest, this man you put in a power suit, walking through the city. He’s an important man with money, maybe a stockbroker. He lives in a nice house with a pretty wife. Words to describe him are, “strong, resilient, formidable, sharp, bright, and sturdy.” 

Standing up straight with our shoulders back changes the world’s perception of us, creating positive feedback demonstrating that we are who they think we are. People, including ourselves, will assume we are competent and responsible (or at least not immediately conclude the opposite). Emboldened by these positive responses we become less anxious, finding it easier to converse more freely. This in turn makes it easier to meet more people, genuinely increasing the possibility that good things will happen. All because we took mother’s advice, “Stand up straight!”

2. Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping.

Sacrifice for others is real and necessary. Self-sacrifice for the sake of is senseless, and after time becomes more thoughtless than the original sacrifice. The question is, are we strong enough to take care of other people over the long course of our lives if our mind and/or body are not well enough to do so? 

Imagine our dog (or cat, or hamster, or ferret, or peacock…) is sick. We take her to the vet. They prescribe her medication. We follow the instructions on that medication to the absolute “T”, never missing a dose. In two weeks, we follow up with the vet as requested. This shows we care; our actions prove it. On average, we probably care more. We are better at filling and properly administering prescription medication to our pets than to ourselves (a scientific fact). That’s not good, even from the dog’s perspective. She loves us and would be happier if we took our medication.

You can probably follow along with this scenario.

Sneeze, sneeze.

“Hey, are you getting sick? You should rest and take some vitamin C.”

“I feel fine. No worries here.”

Cough, cough, sneeze, sniffle, sore throat, fever, body aches, shivers, breathe through my desert dry mouth because my nose is stuffed shut.

“I should have taken the vitamin C.” 

So let’s treat ourselves like someone would treat us.

3. Make friends with people who want the best for you.

To surrounding ourselves with people who support our upward aim is to believe that we are worthy of upward movement to begin with. People that want the best will encourage us when we do good and will not tolerate our cynicism and self-destructiveness. A good person is an ideal. It requires strength and daring to stand next to such a person. Good people in our circle lend us humility, and courage, and compassion. These are the people who make us want to stand up straight.

4. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today.

I’ve written about this before – highly confident people don’t need to keep up with the Jones’ or obsess over the opinions of others. 

No matter how good we are, there is a better chef, a better musician, a more capable manager, and a prettier actress. There is always someone with better skills, better health, and more intelligence. In fact, a relatively small number of people produce most of everything. Winners don’t take all, but they take most. The three wealthiest individuals today have more than everyone residing in the bottom half of the United States. That’s worth repeating if you really want to compare how big your boat is, the three wealthiest individuals have more than nearly 100 million others. (Don’t worry, I don’t have a boat either.)

If there is only one or two people at the top, does that mean everyone else is at the bottom?

Being at the bottom is no good. We are unhappy at the bottom. We get sick, depressed, and lazy down there. Compared to the top, life at the bottom is a zero-sum game where worthlessness is the only certainty. The illusion where we compare ourselves to others is self-defeating, because we can never win, never be on top.

The solution: strip away the illusion that comparisons must exist. What hills did we climb yesterday? What peaks can we conquer today? The uniqueness of our accomplishments cannot be matched, because they were done by us. The goals were set by us, the outcome a result of our effort. Therefore, we are the best. Leading a winning life means comparing our own effect on it.

“The search for a scapegoat is the easiest of all hunting expeditions.” Dwight D. Eisenhower

If Dwight is right, I can neither confirm nor deny that my basement is full of stuffed scapegoats.

There are many reasons people find blame and place fault, in life and in business. The scientific school teaches that blame is a neurological function resulting from environmental stimuli. Sounds scientific but makes it difficult to pinpoint actual reasons. It also removes the actor from the play thereby allowing indefinite excuses for assigning fault and blame.

Another school explains blame as a technique used intentionally to induce fear. In this case blame objectifies and demonizes a person, people or groups as a tactic to sway public opinion or remove the negative spotlight from ourselves, usually to cover up deficiencies in our own behavior. 

And finally, there is the socio-psychological school, which views blame through the lens of our personalities. Consciously or unconsciously we make judgments about others, either to devalue them or make ourselves feel superior. We may also place blame as a defense mechanism from our own anxiety, shame, guilt, or depression.

Ok, so how do we avoid playing the blame game?

I preface by saying that certainly there are situations whereby someone deserves blame. But since that is highly subjective to unique circumstances, instead I’m looking at how I can avoid the blame game while leading a winning life.

It is easier to find a scapegoat than to drum up the courage to look within.

I was reading another article on the subject, and came across the following:

If you are looking for someone to blame then its your bad mood that should be blamed. Its your fears, your lack of control and your worries that should be blamed. Its your life problems that caused you such emotions that should be blamed. Its your helplessness and lack of life skills that should be blamed and not other people.

The author’s lack of proper “it’s” grammar notwithstanding, the passage gets an A for consistency (blame yourself for being helpless) but fails on accuracy. Placing blame on others does not mean I’m in a bad mood, or I lack control or have minimal life skills.

Instead I start with:

1.       I am responsible for the choices I make.

2.       I am accountable to the outcomes of my choices.

I didn’t lose money because my broker gave me a bad stock tip. I lost money because I bought a bad stock.

I didn’t gain weight because work took up too much of my time. I gained weight because I ate rubbish and didn’t exercise.

My neighbor’s dog didn’t bite me because he was a bad dog. He bit me because I was taunting him through the fence with a stick (I don’t claim to have been a smart child).

Instead of blaming others I believe in learning from the events that occur in life. Einstein’s relativity is also in effect – the most trying times seem to teach us the hardest lessons. To maintain sanity and my mental grasp on life’s outcomes, I find it necessary to detach from the need to blame and in doing so retain my power to control the events I can and accept those I cannot. 

This control also means accepting that my choices lead to outcomes, and those outcomes are the result of my choices (post hoc ergo propter hoc). Since I cannot control all problems, I will not blame myself or others. I understand that being authentic means having the courage to look first at the fault in my stars.