The idea of this blog is to put in words, in a more or less chronological order what’s going on in my AIESECer life as an LCPe at the moment, for 2016 period, while juggling with being current VP oGCDP. I’m currently going back to Rosario and truth be told, I feel slightly more relaxed and not as much frustrated as I did when I left. Probably it’s because I slept soundly and many hours in a row and that all problems, situations and responsibilities always seem so far away whenever I’m not there. I believe, it also has to do with things going back into track again.
I was aware of this but maybe I wasn’t very aware as to which extent my mood affected the people around me. Good mood is infectious, bad mood is the plague. It sticks around and looms over the team as a dark cloud of misery and hopelessness. Truth be told, I had quite an awful time organizing myself. I don’t believe I’m good at it yet, but, I do believe I’m slowly getting the hand of it. I trust that about this time next year I’ll be an expert and can teach my successor about it.
I guess my main frustrations came from my need of results, and that I wasn’t asking them of my team. I guess, everything got mixed up with the emotions and responsibilities that came with getting elected. I felt like I had to learnt a lot about my new role, but I didn’t want to let go of my current role, and didn’t want to make my team feel as if I were neglecting them… And I think that’s exactly how I ended up making them feel.
I’m not proud to say that last week I was a wreck and that I didn’t feel like doing anything at all. And I don’t like to complain, and I really needed it, but just didn’t know who to complain with. I had this awful feeling that nobody wants nor should see me as a weak whiny little thing, and that makes me act tough and all mighty.
I ended up crying during a hangout, because I was faced with the brutal facts and felt I was being the bottleneck. I was being the one that didn’t let my team get results. And I believe that comes out from my own insecurities and low self-esteem, I believed that people would ask me to leave because I wasn’t having results, because I had nothing clear, that they would make me choose a team but ask me to leave. And that moment I understood, because I was almost demanded to do so, if I didn’t started to believe in myself and the people around me I would never get myself out of this stupid, metaphorical pit I had thrown myself into.
And when I took control over things I knew, but didn’t make them, but let my team do so, things began to work. Results began to arrive. We’ve matched to people and have two more in progress for next week and we’re hoping for a bunch more. We’re updating our information and working together for something bigger than us.
I remember someone telling me, well, if you’re not going to do it for your own health, for you, because you can trick yourself that you can deal with everything, then, do it for them. And I think I can do that.
