#lc extra

~~~~~

The sound of movement catches Starr’s ear from across the Pokécenter room.  She sits up, squinting at the darkness in confusion until her eyes adjust.  She sees Jade sitting up in her bed as well.  Starr opens her mouth to say something, but then freezes.  Jade’s knees are pulled up to her chest, arms clasped tightly around them, trembling all over.

...Oh.

Starr turns away, nails digging into her palms.  Just… just lie down and go back to sleep.  You’ll only make things worse.  This is only happening because you’re here.

Instead, she stands up, walks over, and sits on the edge of the other bed.  

“Another nightmare?”

It takes several seconds for Jade to respond.  She sniffles once, forcing her breathing to level out.  “Yeah.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“It’s nothing that we haven’t talked about before,” Jade says quietly.  Like she’s ashamed.  Like she’s the problem here.  You did this.  You did this.  You did this.

The silence is biting.  Starr screws her eyes shut, gripping the sheet, every inch of her wanting to evaporate.

“I’ve… I’ve been trying to think about that night like that was a different person,” Jade says.

“It wasn’t,” Starr replies immediately, the words acid on her tongue.  Jade winces, and Starr goes on, “That was me.  We can’t pretend that it wasn’t.”  It feels like shoving a knife through her own heart.  What you’re feeling is nothing compared to what she’s feeling.

Jade nods, face still half-hidden by her knees.  “...Yeah.”

The seconds crawl by.  Hating every word, she finally says, “Look.  If… if being around me is making it worse, then…”

“No.”

The reply catches her off guard.  Jade sniffles again, wiping away tears.  “It’s helping.  Being able to see you as… not that.  It helps.”

Starr exhales slowly, daring to let herself relax a bit.  She releases her death grip on the sheet and slowly takes Jade’s hand in hers.

“Okay.”

 ~~~~~

 “Hey.  Gotta admit I wasn’t expecting you to still have this number.”

Starr looks up to see Ajia walking toward her with the usual inappropriately cheerful expression.  She bites the urge to make a snide comment.  You called her here, don’t be an ass.

Instead, she mumbles something like, “Figured it would be useful to hold onto it.”  That makes it sound like you wanted to see her again, even after what happened last year.  She’s sure that Ajia’s going to jump on that, but she doesn’t.  

“Sorry to kind of… leave you hanging,” Ajia says awkwardly.  “After putting you through so much last week.”

You told her to leave back there.  Why is she apologizing for something that’s your fault.

Starr glances away.  “That’s not what I’m here to talk about.”

Ajia blinks.  “Oh.  Okay?”  She sits down on the bench next to her.

Now that Ajia’s here, talking to her suddenly feels impossible.  But it’s too late to pretend like nothing’s wrong.

“Jade and I decided to travel together.”

Ajia’s expression relaxes.  She thinks this is going to be a pleasant conversation.  “That’s great.”

“It’s not great,” Starr snaps.  “Being near me is obviously torture for her.”  Not that word, not that word.  “She can hardly look at me without flinching.  She’s constantly on-edge, having nightmares, waking up crying in the middle of the night.  All because of me.”

Ajia frowns.  “Because of you?”

Starr jerks her head up, sarcastic retort at the edge of her tongue, when she sees Ajia’s face.  She’s not being condescending.  Does she seriously not know?

“Jade never told you what happened, did she?”

Ajia pauses, choosing her words carefully.  “She did mention that your squad had ended the rebel team.  She didn’t go into detail, but… I got that it was pretty brutal.”

Starr sucks in a breath.  So Ajia doesn’t know, then.  Great, just great.  “Yeah, that was pretty fucked up too, but that’s not the main thing.”

There’s a pause.  Ajia’s clearly waiting for the rest of it.  Starr swallows back the bile and says, “She got captured on a mission.  My squad brought her in for interrogation.”

Ajia’s expression falters for just a second.  She’s already guessed.  You don’t have to say it.  You don’t have to say it.

Starr keeps talking anyway.  “They would’ve killed her.  You know that.  I had to come up with some reason to keep her alive without looking totally fucking suspicious.”  Excuses, excuses, excuses.

Ajia exhales slowly, tendons clenching in her hands in that way she does when she’s trying to keep her reactions subdued.  She thinks you’re a monster.  No, she knows.  She’s seen it firsthand.  It’s not like you never targeted her with that shit back then.  There was just never a chance for things to get that out of hand.

The silence lasts too long.  Ajia finally says, “So you tortured her.”

The words dig into Starr like knives, and she fights back the familiar urge to tear open her own skin.  “They were watching the whole time.  I didn’t have a choice.”

Liar.  You took things way further than you needed to.  You wanted to hurt her.  You thought she deserved it for putting you both in that position.

Ajia stiffens.  It actually looks like she’s having trouble coming up with what to say.  She finally settles on, “Where’s Jade now?

Starr glances away.  “I don’t know, probably still around the central Pokécenter.  I left before she woke up.”

There’s an awkward pause.  “You’re going back to her, right?”

“I shouldn’t.”

Ajia raises an eyebrow.  “I think she’d probably be pretty upset if you just vanished.”

“It’s for her own good.”

“…Kinda sounds more like you’re doing it to hurt yourself,” Ajia says, rubbing the back of her head.

“Yeah, well, what would you know.”  As if she hasn’t always been able to see right through you.

Ajia sighs, resting her elbows on her knees and looking out at the park surrounding them.  “Why do you think she chose to travel with you, then?”

“I don’t know, maybe she’s a fucking masochist or something,” Starr says as dismissively as she can.

Ajia gives her an unimpressed look, but there are bits of sympathy hiding underneath.  Wasted sympathy.  “It’s obviously important to her.   And I don’t think you’ll be able to make things better if you run away.”

“What makes you think I’m trying to put things right.”  What makes her think you even can put things right.  “I wanted to start things over with Jade because I wanted to pretend that that night never happened.  It was purely selfish.”

Ajia chuckles.  “Yeaaahh, uh… if that were true, we wouldn’t be talking right now.”

Why doesn’t Ajia just tell you what a piece of shit you are.  That would make everything easier.

“Why are you doing this, anyway?” Starr mutters.

“Because we’re friends.”

Starr lets out a sharp laugh.  “In what universe are we friends after all the shit I’ve pulled.”

Ajia takes a second to mull the question over.  “Probably the universe where you were willing to sacrifice your life for us.”

Starr scoffs under her breath, but doesn’t say anything.  Ajia folds her arms behind her head and says, “There’s gotta be something there if you were willing to do that.”

Starr folds her arms and looks away.  Any retorts that come to mind all feel hollow and pointless.  “I’m just… tired of hurting people,” she finally manages.

“I don’t think hurting yourself is much better.”

Starr bristles.  That’s not what you’re doing.  Not this time.  It’s not…

…What are you doing, then? How is this supposed to help Jade.  How is this supposed to help you.

She lets out a defeated sigh.  “Wanna… help me find her?”

Ajia beams.  “Sure.”

Why does she have to be so optimistic all the damn time.  It’s the worst.