Pay Up or Shut Up: Trump Now Charging for the Right to Mock Him

Asks for $4 Million Upfront to Be Salaried, Offers “Help With the Satire” in Return “I am the joke. I mean job. No—I meant joke.” by The Staff at Bohiney.com -- Certified 127% Funnier Than The Onion and Babylon Bee, Combined with Zero Shame and Twice the Spray Tan In a press conference held at the Mar-a-Lago Gold-Plated Press Gazebo (also known as “the lifeguard stand that used to be Ivanka’s Lemonade Empire”), former President Donald J. Trump stunned the world by announcing that he’s “open to employment,” but only if someone pays him $4 million up front. “I’m doing this country a tremendous favor,” he said. “A lot of people are saying—many people, not just me, but very rich people—that I should be salaried. Very salaried. But I’m not taking just any job. This is an elite hire. Like LeBron on a golf cart. You want me on payroll? Four million. That’s the cover charge. Then we can talk about salary.” He added, “I might even help with the satire. I’m very good at satire. Some say I invented it when I made Chris Christie Secretary of Pizza.” From Billionaire to Freelance Punchline: Trump’s Shift to the Gig Economy Sources close to the Trump camp say the move reflects a pivot to the freelance economy. “He’s just following the trends,” explained campaign attorney-turned-satirical publicist Rudy Giuliani, sipping gin from a bottle labeled ‘Hair Dye: Internal Use Only’. “Biden's got student loan forgiveness. Trump wants satire loan indulgence. Pay up, punchlines.” The news sent shockwaves through comedy circles. Writers at The Onion reportedly lit a ceremonial candle, gathered around the water cooler, and said in unison, “He knows he’s the bit now, right?” Meanwhile, staff at The Babylon Bee simply nodded solemnly and updated their spreadsheet labeled “Trump Headlines That Wrote Themselves.” At Bohiney.com, we didn’t light a candle—we bought a new yacht. “This man has turned satire into a subscription service,” said Bohiney.com’s editor-in-chief Bonnie Bohieny. “And you know what? We respect it. This is America. If you can’t monetize your own downfall, are you even living?”

The “Employment Entry Fee”: Trump’s Revolutionary Approach to W-2s

Trump's proposition isn’t a salary—it’s a salary audition fee. According to the Trump Organization’s press release (written in Comic Sans and allegedly edited by Don Jr.'s sleep-deprived ghostwriter), “The Four Million Dollar Entry Fee” includes: A signed MAGA hat that doubles as a notarized tax shelter A gold-plated promise to maybe show up to work (telepathically if not physically) One free TruthSocial repost of your résumé Two original satire “punch-ups” per fiscal quarter—“optional but strongly advised” “This is a trial balloon,” said Eric Trump, who sources claim floated into the press conference with actual helium. “Next quarter we’re launching the Trump Satire Accelerator, where writers can pay to have Dad sit near them while they work and say things like ‘that’s too smart for the public’ and ‘make it about me.’”

“I Will Help With the Satire”: A Presidential Promise or Satirical Threat?

Trump insists that if the $4 million is paid, he will offer direct creative input into future jokes about himself. “I’ll help,” he said. “I’m a comedy genius. Like George Carlin, but if he had a resort and didn’t curse so much. I do punchlines. I do setups. I even do physical comedy. Watch me fall up the stairs like Biden—except on purpose.” He claims he once gave Alec Baldwin a compliment after a particularly scathing SNL cold open. “I told Alec, ‘That was pretty good… for a loser.’ Then I sued him.” Satirists are divided. “You never invite the subject into the writer’s room,” said Satirist Laureate Emeritus of the U.S. Comedy Commission, Letitia Frumpelstein. “You don’t ask the goose to season its own foie gras. But then again, Trump’s the only guy who can plagiarize himself while ad-libbing. It’s performance art.”

Satire Subscription Services Now a Reality

In a surprising move, Trump announced that for those who can’t afford the $4 million, there is a Trump Satire Starter Kit™ available online. Included: A dictionary with every word replaced by “tremendous” or “disaster” A felt mustache labeled “SATIRE MODE ON” An iPad permanently stuck on TruthSocial A VHS tape titled “Covfefe: The Hidden Meaning” with a mysterious blinking timestamp “Also, you’ll get three limited-use punchlines,” said campaign consultant and part-time mime Sebastian Lint. “After that, you have to renew your sarcasm license.”

Trump’s “Comedy Consulting” Tour: Coming to a PAC Near You

In response to media criticism, Trump has announced a national tour called “Make Humor Great Again: The Roast of Reality.” The tour will allegedly feature: A pie chart made entirely of actual pies Dramatic readings of tweets he regrets (or pretends to) A new stand-up segment titled “Don Jr.: Birth Certificate or Hoax?” Audience interaction moments like “Guess the TruthSocial Password” and “Find the Classified Document!” “He’s taking satire back from the people,” said Trump biographer Melania’s Diary (vol. IV). “He’s not just a joke, he’s a premium joke. The Louis Vuitton of mockery.”

Aide Claims Trump Believes “Parody is Just Loyalty With Better Timing”

An anonymous aide (probably Jared, probably hiding in the gift shop) claims Trump genuinely believes parody is just a more respectful form of applause. “He doesn’t understand satire as a threat,” said the aide. “He sees it as unpaid advertising. He once said ‘every joke is a campaign ad, if you believe in yourself enough.’” When asked if he’s bothered by mocking sketches, Trump responded:“I’ve been parodied more than Jesus and Mickey Mouse. That makes me immortal. You can’t spell ‘Messiah Complex’ without M-E.”

“The Onion Is Ripe for a Takeover”

There are reports that Trump offered to buy The Onion in exchange for a parking lot in Scranton and two unopened Happy Meals. “Their humor is too subtle. Too nuanced,” he declared. “Let’s juice it up. I want stories like: ‘Trump Saves Baby Using Pure Charisma’ or ‘God Asks for MAGA Hat in Divine Vision.’ That’s what real Americans want to laugh at. Strong, confident satire. Not depressed desk-jockey humor.” Writers at The Onion responded with a joint editorial:“If he buys us, we’ll unionize harder than any union has ever unioned.”

Babylon Bee Conflicted, Releases Emotional Satirical Letter

At The Babylon Bee, staff reportedly held an emergency prayer-and-sketch meeting. One headline considered but scrapped: “Trump Declares Himself Patron Saint of Irony, Demands Tithing.”Another: “Jesus Returns, Finds Trump Squatting on Throne, Decides to Wait.” Editor-in-Chief Calvin Hologram issued a statement: “We love Trump. He gave us at least 78% of our material. But this satire fee thing? That’s sacred ground. We mock from afar. We do not pay to play.”

Comedy Clubs React: “This Man Just Monetized the Heckler”

Comedy clubs nationwide are reportedly worried. Trump’s fee has set a dangerous precedent. “We used to get hecklers for free,” said Susan Wink, owner of the Laugh and a Half in Des Moines. “Now they’ll want appearance fees and a percentage of our bar tab.” Some clubs are embracing it. Trump’s reps are reportedly in talks with Flappers in Burbank, where he’ll test out his new hour-long set:“45 Minutes of Winning, 15 Minutes of Litigious Threats.”

The Evidence Mounts: Digital, Personal, Physical, and Slightly Orange

Digital Evidence: A leaked PDF titled “Trump Satirical Monetization Funnel.pdf” shows a 12-step program ending in “Bill Maher weeping.” Personal Evidence: Tiffany Trump’s diary contains a post-it note reading “Dad’s new plan: Get paid to be the meme.” Physical Evidence: A receipt from Hobby Lobby for 40 pounds of glitter glue labeled “SATIRE RESIN.” Relationship Evidence: Ivanka told a friend: “We tried everything. He won’t stop unless we pay him. He’s like a punchline that found a lawyer.” Scientific Evidence: A neurologist stated, “This is the first documented case of ironium oxide—a mental compound that converts self-awareness into press releases.” Testimonial Evidence: Sean Hannity called it “bold,” then asked for a cut. Trace Evidence: Dust from the Mar-a-Lago ballroom reportedly spells “LOL” under blacklight.

Helpful Tips for Writers: Trump’s Satirical “MasterClass” Excerpts

If you enroll in Trump’s Satirical MasterClass (a free download if you pay the $4 million licensing fee), you’ll receive the following advice: “Exaggeration is just patriotism with abs.” “Irony should wear a tie, and that tie should be red.” “Parody is best when it’s plagiarized from your own autobiography.” “Satire should never be bipartisan. Pick a team and insult the other one until they cry.” “Metaphors are for liberals. Use similes—they’re like metaphors, but they vote right.”

Donald Trump's Satire Fee

What the Funny People Are Saying About Trump's Satire Fee...

“Trump’s charging $4 million just to be salaried. That’s like tipping your waiter before he shows up and hoping it’s not Kanye in a vest.” — Ron White “You gotta admire the guy—he turned unemployment into a subscription model. Even Netflix doesn’t have that kind of audacity.” — Jerry Seinfeld “He said he’d help with the satire. That’s like Mr. Potato Head offering you skincare advice.” — Amy Schumer “Trump wants $4 million just to consider a job? My ex wanted less to fake loving me for three years.” — Sarah Silverman “Only Trump could make freeloading look like a corporate ladder.” — Larry David “He’s offering to help comedy writers? That’s like inviting a wrecking ball to critique your pottery.” — Billy Crystal “I don’t know if he’s applying for a job or running a Kickstarter for his ego.” — Trevor Noah “He says, ‘Pay me four mil and I’ll be on payroll.’ Buddy, that’s not salary, that’s ransom.” — Chris Rock “It’s official: Trump now identifies as a ‘premium joke experience.’ Next he’ll offer punchlines as NFTs.” — Ricky Gervais “The Babylon Bee and The Onion just unionized—out of self-defense.” — Groucho Marx (from the great beyond) “He’s not running for office anymore, he’s running a Patreon for narcissism.” — Dave Chappelle “You pay him $4 million, and in return he ruins your jokes. That’s not comedy—it’s a pyramid scheme with hair gel.” — Ali Wong “Trump doesn’t write satire. He lives it. The man is a walking sketch comedy show nobody auditioned for.” — Kevin Hart

Cause and Effect: What Happens if the Fee is Paid?

If someone pays the $4 million, insiders claim Trump will: Show up unannounced to your sketch writing meetings Interrupt your monologues with “better zingers” Demand all punchlines contain the word “tremendous” Replace your intern with Don Jr. Call every satire publication “Fake Hilarity” unless he’s featured on the cover Sue you for defamation, then invite you to brunch

Final Thoughts: A Nation Holds Its Breath… and Wallet

As of publication, no one has yet paid the $4 million, though Elon Musk reportedly offered Dogecoin and Kanye West sent a coupon for “Free Yeezy Therapy, Redeemable Never.” The satirical world remains split. Some see Trump’s move as peak grift; others see it as accidental performance art; a few believe it’s an NFT come to life, powered by ego and hairspray fumes. But at Bohiney.com, we believe in the democratic power of humor. And if Trump really wants $4 million to help with the satire? We say— Start a GoFundMe. Let the punchlines pay the piper. Because if satire is now a business…America just outsourced its sense of humor to the only man who thinks the word “mockery” means “fan club.”

Donald Trump's Satire Fee

Bohiney Insight into Donald Trump’s $4 Million “Satire Fee”