#laptrap

LapTrap (ClueFinders) vs. Mr. Huggles (W.I.T.C.H.)

(Some time, later, Joni gets the car back. The car is totalled, the headlights are missing. The license plate and doors have fallen off, and the bumper is hanging on by a thread. Also, both rear view mirrors are gone.)

Joni (slightly annoyed, but also trying hard not to laugh): LapTrap, do I want to know what happened to this car?

LapTrap (flabbergasted): I don't know, everything just jumped out in front of me! I had no choice but to--

Joni (interrupting): Really? Everything jumped out at you??

LapTrap (annoyed): Yes, everything!

Joni: Even the swimming pool?

(To get the picture of what's happening, listen to "Motorcrash" by The Sugarcubes.)

(LapTrap is now on the freeway, weaving in an out of lanes. People frantically swerve out of his way. He cuts off a tour bus.)

Tour bus driver: What's your problem?! Get a lane and stick with it, you fucking numbskull!

LapTrap: Eh, your mother wears army boots!

(LapTrap gets off the highway)

LapTrap: Computer, go right.

(The car turns right…onto a one way street where the flow of traffic is in the opposite direction.)

LapTrap: GAAAH!! This is a one-way street!

Car Computer: We're only going one way.

(They drive down a set of stairs, and later down a very steep hill.)

Car Computer: No brakes! No brakes!

LapTrap: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!

(They zip down the hill, going up the other side like a ski jumper, and eventually, they land in a swimming pool)

(The car speeds down the road)

LapTrap: AAAAHHH! OK, don't panic! Maybe I can talk to the car's computer.

(He "dials" the car's computer. The process makes a noise similar to an old dial up modem)

LapTrap (anxiously): Come on, come on…

(He makes the connection)

LapTrap: AHA! There we go!

(The car's computer comes online, speaking in a voice similar to George Takei)

Car Computer: Oh, hello!

LapTrap: Hey! Can you do me a favour and apply the brakes? (anxiously) The car is going too fast.

Car Computer: Course laid in, captain.

(The brakes don't kick in until the last minute, causing LapTrap to hit a mailbox!)

LapTrap: What the fuck?! Why'd you wait until the last minute to apply the brakes?!

(Car Computer laughs)

Car Computer: Don't look at me, I'm not the one who drives like I'm from Jersey.

LapTrap (getting a little angry): Jersey? JERSEY!?!!? You think I'm from Jersey?! I happen to be from Silicon Valley, my good sir! (calming down - if only just) Now, let's back out of what's left of the mailbox.

Car Computer: Splendid! Warp speed ahead, oh brave leader.

(The car continues driving backwards and on the sidewalk, but away from the mailbox. People scarper out of the way)

LapTrap (in a state of complete and utter panic): OH MY GOD, WE'RE GOING BACKWARDS!!!!! Computer, turn right!

(The car goes left)

LapTrap: NO! Your other right! GAAAAHHH!!!

(The car finally goes right, but is still going in reverse and still on the sidewalk. Again people run away.)

LapTrap: Excuse me, but we are not on the planet where people drive on sidewalks.

Car Computer: Oh, dreadfully sorry, sir.

(LapTrap gets in the driver's seat)

LapTrap: Oh me? Can I drive? Of course I can drive! I'm a Turbo TURTLE, you know. All TURTLEs know how to drive. If a human can do it, I can do it better. Where's the enter key?

Joni: Um, LapTrap, there is no enter key. You have to put the key in the ignition and turn it, and that starts the engine.

(she starts the car, the engine revs)

LapTrap: Oh

Joni: Alright, before we go any further, do you see those two things in the footwell. (pointing to the pedals) The first thing is the gas, and the other is the brake

LapTrap: How am I supposed to use those? I don't have feet!

Joni: Here

(she places a brick on the floor of the car, it lurches off)

LapTrap: Uh-oh…how am I gonna stop?! How am I gonna steer???!!!

Joni (her voice getting fainter as LapTrap drives off): Well, you'll think of something eventually

(LapTrap drives off)