#language is coded devotion

There’s some questions I‘ve been asking

from my self, some more, some less 

Mostly: are these lines I‘m drafting

really me? I must confess 

Some might be, some less than others 

Some are dreams, but I disgress - 

I am used, so used to masking

Lying to my friends and brothers 

Up until it all just shattered. 

——

Doubt is bladed thin, it is

easy, easily to miss

Before I knew my heart had paled

bled out from wounds I never felt

(Dig my words, don’t dig to deeply

Breathe in that smile, it’s sugared sweetly

It’s the best I have to give 

Don’t blink, I don’t want 

you to miss it.)

——

I hid, escaped, too young to notice

now the same old fear is mine

If I act like they’re in focus 

keep my eyes up there, aligned

All made up, for their convenience 

nothing true but in their mind

(With you, I need not act, I dropped it

No need to hide 

from eyes so kind.)

——

I have known all along

that my needs are troublesome

Took me long enough to put

into song what I hated

all that "fake it 'til you make it"

Oh, I knew I was good 

Just could not be good enough

Never met the strangest standards 

never gotten useful answers. 

But I listened all along

Until I just 

shut down.

——

I was scared to know myself then

Still am troubled, in advance

I hear you question my conviction 

every step along my dance

I did not realise my affliction 

could ever be a chance. 

All I needed was some freedom 

to explore, express my wants

Now I think I understand

that there is no contradiction 

in the way I dance 

(I fuel your addiction 

with my quickest glance.)

——

All I ask for is some space:

All of us have different hearts

Some like talking face to face

some would rather fall apart

Some take time to find their place

Some prefer a different pace

Some are rather safe than smart

Some are deeply, deeply scarred

So some now yearn

to bow with grace

Some have learned

to love the chase

Some find solace

in disgrace 

(Some need to answer your gaze

all dressed up in lace.)

——

There’s nothing wrong, it’s how we heal

if we learned too early not to feel

if what we knew we knew to conceal

secrets we died for, but never reveal

We lived a life under lock and seal

lied so smoothly with faces of steel

and now we fear 

anything real. 

——

Those voices that won’t shut up inside?

The very ones that forced us to hide

They are so scared we might regain our pride:

"You’re not alone if you take on the fight

You choose who’s fighting on your side 

You choose with whom you spend your night

You choose who’s fit to be your bride 

You can choose and you decide

It‘s your body, 

it’s your mind."

——

"It’s not wrong to crave release

Trust the process, get some peace

Understand that truth ain’t treason

it’s called love for a reason:

It was smart to be safe, 

and you are safe now either way

You have long since escaped, 

this is choice, not a prison

You stand tall now, phoenix risen

you control the situation 

You’re a beauty, that you are

but not pressed for presentation."

——

That’s the truths I had been missing 

all those years I could not breathe 

while you preached wine I suffocated 

drowned in pretense sickly sweet

Freedom called but had no meaning

Trust? Another word for cheating

Each nice word I thought deceit

Spent my best years medicated, 

troubled girl, so complicated

uppers, downers on receipt

Now I know it was your poisoned

words so sick they made me bleed 

You had me convinced I‘m crazy

I had basic needs. 

——

I read my own words on repeat 

and slowly, maybe, I believe. 

So, for anyone still listening:

You are meant to be free

don’t waste time, spend years in prison 

Find a better place to be. 

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Original Poem by Lemma D. Prime

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