I'm sure a lot of you out there have good days and bad days, and within the day theres good moments and bad moments...it always makes me wonder, what determines if your life is happy one or not?

I recently realized I am in a very dark place. I mean, usually I would have a reason why I am at the dark place, like bad relationships, bad breakups, bad day at work etc. But my recent "down" just seems like theres no big incident or anything. When I realized, I didn't have much people around me like I used to. I mean, I didn't always have a lot of friends but I had couple people around me that I knew that would be by my side when I needed them, and I knew that they would seek for my help if anything happened. However, all of those people are now distant, my so called best friends are just an acquaintance, and I get no birthday celebration messages from them anymore. I can't help but to ask myself...WHY?

Since the past, I was always the outsider, no matter where I go. I've moved a lot so much during childhood, I attended 3 elementary schools, 4 different Jr. high schools. Of course my school life was a disaster. I'm still not sure why it was...I couldn't get along with class mates, even if I found one girl that would accept me, her group wouldn't accept me and she and I would get kicked out of the group, or I would be friends with 3 girls and 2 girls ended up kicking me out or start to ignore me. Last couple years in high school, I was accepted in a group of friends, FINALLY, but I was always the outsider, who would not get invited or not a primary member to plan some events together. Even now, I am outcasted and I eventually gave up meeting them, because I always ended up feeling like outcast and are just the plus one in a group.

I was always the shy one, very introverted and didn't know how to talk to people. I mean, even now at a situations like parties I do not know how to have a nice conversation with people. I end up listening to other people talking and awkwardly just standing there like a statue, or awkwardly start a conversation with someone and thinking "I NEED TO RUN AWAY FROM THIS", looking for an excuse to leave, or if I'm lucky, the opponent will leave almost like running away. Every time I'm in the conversation with people I don't know, I feel like I don't know what to say in the conversation. I'm constantly thinking of what to say next, how to show that i'm interested in what they're saying, my mind is so loud that I can't hear what other person is saying. 

I'm so self conscious on what I say in the conversation, feels like I state the obvious or not saying something funny that I'm boring the shit our of the person...I guess I usually am. And hey, I spend most of the time watching comedies and TV shows, that I feel like I should be the master at saying funny things and enlightening the situation...but why do i suck so badly? 

So now, I'm trying to think of ways to better myself in the social situation or being likable person. And google tells me I must like myself before anything else! So, I dig deeper...yeah, liking yourself is HELLA DIFFICULT after 29 years of people disliking you and running away from ya.