It’s not often, in fact it’s more rare than anything, but the chance to capture sweet moments between them makes Tommy’s heart full, especially seeing the gentleness in how Joel treats her and the way he smiles when she looks at him.
He knows they appreciate them, too.
The first one was when they fell asleep on the couch together. They weren’t even in Jackson one week at this point, Tommy taking regular stops to their house to make sure they were settling in well. Maria cooked a casserole for them, Tommy offering to walk it down to their place in her stead.
He entered the house to the two of them tucked tightly under an old quilt, Joel’s light snores filling the room. His feet were propped up on the coffee table as his left arm was draped loosely around Ellie’s shoulders, his right under the quilt. Ellie was against his side, her head against his chest and her knees bent, curled ip beside him.
Tommy didn’t know they even had a Polaroid or where on earth they got it from, but it was there, on a nearby side table practically begging to be used. The second the flash went off, Joel groaned and swore, Ellie exclaiming something along the lines of what the fuck, Tommy before pressing her face further into Joel’s chest to try and wipe the white lights dotting her vision.
Tommy let the photo settle before rushing out the door, leaving it beside the Polaroid on the nearby side table.
Once they framed it, Ellie kept it; the frame residing right next to her on her bedside table.
The second time was at the stables. Tommy had invited Ellie down to help out with them and she begged Joel to join them. Reluctantly, he did, his reluctance slowly fading as he watched her beaming smile reconnecting with Shimmer.
Shimmer was bigger now, big enough now to hold a human. Tommy watched on as Joel helped her up, his hands hooked beneath her boot before moving to her shins to steady her balance. His hand lingered on her calf as she adjusted herself atop Shimmer, gently petting her mane.
Tommy took it then. He wasn’t paying attention to expressions much, but to his delight, Joel had one of the widest grins Tommy had seen in years.
They framed that one, too. Joel claimed it, the picture sitting proudly on top of his dresser.
The third time was after the baby was born. But this time, Tommy didn’t take it. Maria did.
Maybe it was a bad idea to take a Polaroid in the same room as a newborn, but she was sleeping, so they said it was fine.
The baby was just over a day old, Maria up and healthy as the baby was passed around. Joel was more or less a wreck having yet another baby girl in the family, but he was overjoyed over it.
Tommy handed the little one to Joel, him taking her in his arms with the utmost care he could manage. She was so small, memories of holding Sarah in his arms rushed back to him.
He held her in the crook of his left elbow. He brought his right hand up, lightly rubbing the knuckle of his first finger over her cheeks, the same he tends to do with Ellie. The little one reached out and grasped his first finger, holding it tightly as he eyes peered at him, awestruck.
Quite the grip you got there, sweet girl, he whispered, smiling as he moved his head finger back and forth above her tummy.
Uncle Joel, Ellie said, smiling at the child. It has a nice ring to it.
Tommy stood beside them, relishing in the look Joel had toward his niece. That soft, reserved smile that he doesn’t show often. The creases at the corners of his eyes as he whispers gentle hi’s to her.
Tommy brought his hand up to Joel’s shoulder and squeezed tight, the action saying everything they’re not sure what to express in a moment like this.
That was the framed picture. Tommy’s hand on Joel’s shoulder, an emotional, brotherly smile plastered on his face as he watched his brother cradle a baby like not a day had passed. Joel’s finger still held onto by the little one, his smile as wide as the sea as he watched his niece. And Ellie, pressed up against Joel’s side, one of the baby’s feet fitted gently in Ellie’s palm, watching Joel’s smile with her own, nearly as wide as his.
It sits on their kitchen countertop, that way they each see it every day. A sweet, perfect memory captured. A moment when time stood still, the four of them wrapped up in the deep, unconditional love for each other.
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She’s knows his violent and protective side. The guy she’s seen tell her to get to safety while he stands in the line of fire to protect her. Who brutally beat a man right in front of her because he would’ve shot him them. Who sniped infected from a building to keep her safe and to clear her a path. Who pulled a clicker off of her, even though she’s the immune one, to protect her and kill it. Perhaps the biggest one, torturing and brutally killing men in order to find her.
But she also knows his gentle and caretaking side. The side that cares about her well-being, safety, and the things she’s exposed to, despite it being the apocalypse. She knows the side of him that draped his coat overtop of her while she was sleeping so she wouldn’t get too cold. Who tossed the remainder of his jerky to her. The side of him that stopped her on the road to keep her from seeing the pile of skeletons. The man who giggled with her over a stupid diarrhea joke in the dead of night. Who buckled her seatbelt for her when he really didn’t have to. The man who shielded her from a clicker by holding her behind him. Who held her hands so gently when showing her how to hold her gun. Who held onto her pack and guided her behind a car and didn’t let go until she was safely ducked behind it. Who taught her how to shoot their rifle with a smile on his face and a hand on her back. Who held her hand so tightly, despite the pain he was in and effort it took.
That’s who she knows. And when he finally finds her in winter and holds her face and tells her “it’s me,” and she recognizes herself that “it’s Joel,” she knows. She knows he’ll hold her.
Joel played with his hands, a nervous tick that Ellie always loved being able to calm down. “First real patrol. You ready?” He was towering over her, as he did, as they waited by the door for Tommy.
She raised her eyebrows at him with a smirk. She reached towards him and clasped his hands together, trying to hold them both in hers. “Are you? You look like you’re about to have a heart attack,” she questioned, rubbing a thumb over his slightly enveloped hands.
He felt like he was about to have a heart attack. Ever since they moved in, they were never apart. Now, Ellie was going outside the walls on patrol. She could fight infected. She could get thrown off her horse. They could run in to raiders. Anything could happen to her, and it terrified him that he wasn’t going to be the one next to her.
He smiled at her, appreciating the grounding pressure of her hands over his. He leaned forward and kissed her hairline, their hands still together. “I jus’ want you safe, ‘s’all.”
She smiled at the affection as she took her hands from his and wrapped them around his middle. He leaned into it, his left arm rubbing those all-too-familiar circles on her back and his right combing through her ponytail.
“I’ll have Tommy,” she said into his chest. “He’ll keep me safe.”
“He better-”
Joel drew in a breath to continue, but Tommy burst through the door right then, stopping cold in his tracks at the two hugging in front of him. He paused, giving a small smile to Joel.
Joel raised his voice slightly. “-‘Cause if he don’t, I might just beat his ass.”
Tommy’s eyes grew wide, Ellie giggling against Joel’s chest at the imagery of Tommy’s expression behind her.
Ellie gave Joel one more squeeze. He tilted his head to the side, trying to see her face. “You protect him too, got it?” He kissed her temple.
“Got it,” she said, nodding into his chest as she pulled away.
Ellie slung her pack over her shoulders and grabbed their rifle, standing beside Tommy as he shared a look with Joel.
“I mean it, Tom.”
“Oh, I know it.” He looked down at Ellie beside him, a goofy grin on her face. Tommy couldn’t help but smile back, “I’ll keep her safe.”
Ellie nodded to herself, trusting Tommy with such a task.
“Ready, kiddo?”
“Yes, sir.”
-/\-/\-
Tommy walked her home as Ellie talked incessantly about what they did together that day, joy evident in her voice as she recounted every room they walked through, infected they saw, and story Tommy told her along the way.
They stopped at the bottom of the stairs up to the house. “Good job today, kiddo. You did real good. Got you on for one next week as well, as long as my brother doesn’t threaten me on the behalf of your safety,” he half-joked.
She sighed, disapprovingly. “Just one?”
“I don’t need your old man stringing me up by my insides.
She laughed, “Yeah, me neither. Next week it is! Thanks, Tommy,” she said as she turned up the porch stairs and headed inside.
Joel was sitting at the kitchen table, book in hand and his reading glasses on. She always teased him about the reading glasses. She never saw him in them and it always felt like a treat. He looked… different. If she knew what a professor looked like, she thinks it would be similar to Joel wearing his glasses.
He glanced to his left as the door opened, his book falling to the table. “You’re home early? Somethin’ happen?”
“Nope,” she responded, unlacing her boots. “We cleared the motel and some surrounding buildings and then we headed home.” She sat the rifle against the wall and dropped her bag to the floor beside his.
He chuckled, “I’ve never had an early day with him. He must really like you.”
She laughed, walking over to him and peering over his shoulder. “What’re you reading?” She dropped her chin on to his shoulder.
“Nothin’ you’ll find interesting.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” she agreed, her arms coming over his shoulders and crossing across his chest.
Daddy! Piggy back!
Alright, c’mere baby. One, two, three, jump! Sheesh, baby, loosen your arms up. You don’t gotta choke me.
Memories of town fairs, Sarah young enough to sit on Joel’s shoulders, her hands holding on to every blessed part of his face as he tried to see through the mix of her fingers. One particular memory of her on his shoulders sticks out to him. She was scared of the height, so Joel held both of her hands to keep her steady and leaning forward into him. She kept kicking her feet lightly against his chest and she’d wave their conjoined hands together at strangers walking by.
He remembered piggy back rides. Piggy back rides from the pool to the car when she claimed she was ‘too tired’ to make it all but ten yards. Piggy backs from the beach to the boardwalk, Sarah unable to get her feet through the hot sand. Piggy backs late at night; Joel exhausted from a day of work but willing to give her one, Sarah clinging to his neck and giggling as he ran laps around their house.
There was another memory.
What’s all this?
Nothin’ you’ll find interesting.
Ah, contracting paperwork?
Mmhm.
Well, I’m going to bed. Get some sleep tonight, dad. Please.
He turned to her, a small smile to try and compensate for the heavy bags under his eyes. “I will, baby.”
She smiled back, “You better. Don’t need you falling asleep at the wheel when you take me to school.”
His smile stayed, still watching her. “I won’t fall asleep, Sarah.”
“Then sleep tonight to make sure that doesn’t happen,” she quipped. He really needed sleep. She leaned in and grabbed his opposite shoulder, kissing his cheek. “Goodnight, dad.”
“Goodnight, baby. I love you.”
Joel exhaled, the memories rushing back to him like a sweeping current. He relaxed into the contact, his shoulders dropping as his head leaned back, hitting her shoulder. He closed his eyes. Goodnight, baby. I love you.
He brought his hand up from his book and held on to her left wrist, rubbing his thumb back and forth over the same spot his watch face sits.
“Alright,” she started, “I… am going to bed. Patrol wiped me out. Get some sleep too, old man.” She patted his chest a few times, pulling away from him as his hand gently followed her.
Oh.
He paused, taking his time. “I will, baby girl.”
“You better. We’re not on the road anymore, you’re allowed to sleep now. Don’t need you falling asleep when you’re making breakfast tomorrow.”
His breathing started to shake slightly. He exhaled, trying to ground himself. He forced a smile out as he turned to her. “I won’t… fall asleep making breakfast.”
She grinned back, “Can never be too sure.” She grabbed his shoulder and squeezed it as she walked behind him and headed towards the stairs. “Goodnight, Joel!”
“Goodnight, baby,” he whispered, Ellie already up the flight of stairs to hear the endearment.
He opened his mouth again, but no words came. No noise, no indication that he had anything to say; only he did, yet it stayed playing on repeat in his head, praying that he’ll say it again one day, and she’ll be the one it’s for.
based off a @sarahspancakes post bc it was literally murdering me. This took like four hours bc this Applebees is noisy and I couldn’t focus
Nights like this are more normal than a full night's rest. The nights when they’re both awake, nightmares unrelenting as they find solace in the other. Comforting words and offering soothing reassurances to each other in the dark. A grounding touch in a hug or hand hold, gentle circles spread across their skin and tight squeezes for reminders. I’m here. You’re safe.
Joel found her shouting in bed and eventually thrashing against him as he grabbed her shoulders to wake her, desperation in his voice. “Ellie, baby, it’s just a nightmare! Baby, c’mon, come back. It’s me, it’s Joel.”
She woke up with a start, as she always did. Heavy breaths accompanied by tight fists, typically in her covers or the slack of her sheets. Tonight, it was the collar of Joel’s shirt.
He stayed completely still, letting her hold on as long as she needed to to calm down. He was kneeling at her bedside, his left arm on one of her outstretched forearms and the other rested on her shin.
She let go of his shirt, the fabric wrinkling along his neckline. She pulled her knees to her chest and crossed her arms around them, placing her chin between her knee caps. He pulled his hand from her shin away, but she quickly caught it, holding it in hers as she continued to hold her knees to herself.
There was silence for a few minutes, the two of them breathing evenly together. Joel rubbed circles along the parts of her hand his thumb could reach, Ellie rubbing some back in response, like they were communicating through it. I’m here. I know.
Joel broke their silence, trying to meet her eyes. “Do you want me-“ he asked, voice still laced with sleep.
“No… no, I don’t want to cuddle. Can we just… sit? In the window seat?” She sounded shy, unsure.
She hated waking him up. She hated being… like this. Broken. Damaged. Different.
Joel had nightmares, but he knew how to handle them. He had ways to fight them off. He didn’t always get more sleep after them, but he could push them down, at least for a little while.
Ellie couldn’t. She always woke up screaming and sweaty, unsure touch was real. She relived it every night, every image and sound as fresh as the night it happened. No matter what she tried, they were relentless. He was relentless.
But Joel takes all of it with so much grace and love that it’s overwhelming. He holds her every night, gentle reassurances whispered between hugs and sobs. Feather-light hand holds and kind, watery eyes. Reserved terms of endearment and faithful reminders. A calloused yet soft pressure against her cheek and scratchy kisses against her temple.
It’s his way of saying it.
He smiled softly, eyeing the seat in question. “Course, kiddo. C’mon,” he urged, offering his palm in her direction. She took it as he guided her over, sitting on the edge of the seat together. The tips of her toes only grazed the wooden floor beneath her as she swung her feet.
Ellie stared blankly into her room, her eyes adjusting to the mix of moonlight trickling into the darkness. She wasn’t moving beside Joel. She was stuck, immovable as she watched the darkness, images forming from the shadows and dancing in her vision. Guns. Hands. Blood. Smoke. Machete.
“Hey…” Joel started, leaning forward so she could see his face. “You okay?”
She blinked at home, taking in the half of his face lit up by the moonlight. “Mhm,” is all she can manage.
Almost every night, they snuggle. Ellie never fails to fall asleep so damn fast when she’s held against him, the warmth of his hold and the beat of his heart making the perfect combination to sleep to.
But tonight was different. She didn’t want that. She wanted, needed to stay up. To be grounded or distracted, rather than comforted. But sitting together wasn’t enough for her.
Joel grabbed her left forearm with his left hand, holding it against his thigh. He brought his right hand over both their arms and held her left in his.
Ellie shivered as lightly drew his fingers back and forth over her palm.
“Okay?” He asked, making sure it wasn’t too much.
Ellie just nodded in response, relaxing her arm.
“Now, it’s just a little game. I, uh… used to do it with Sarah.” He cleared his throat, pushing down the memories of sitting on Sarah’s bed and calming her down after bad dreams. “All I’m gon’ do is draw some letters on your palm one at a time. You gotta guess the word I draw. ‘S’all it is.”
“Is there a point to it?”
“No, not really. Jus’ calmed her down.” He sighed, a hint of grief in it. “Made her laugh, too. Tickled her, just like you.”
She smiled at the thought. Joel as a father was always an… interesting image. She only knows who he is now and the things he’s done, not the single father he was Before. Tommy mentioned once how gentle Joel was before the world went to shit.
Ellie thinks she gets glances of him Before in how he treats her, especially on nights like these.
“Alright, I’ll start off easy,” he said, lightly drawing a letter into her palm with his pointer finger.
“G?”
Joel smiled. “Good. Now…”
“I?”
He continued, drawing R A F until the cogs in Ellie’s head turned, spinning in sync.
“Giraffe!” She exclaimed.
Joel chuckled, rubbing his thumb over her palm. “Good job, kiddo. Another?”
“Fuck yeah!”
“Alright, what about…”
Joel got as far as D I N before Ellie guessed correctly, her making a backhanded joke about I can’t believe you used yourself for this game.
He traces a few more; things he knows will get her mind out of, or at least away from, where it was. Sally Ride, Contractor, even Shimmer.
Joel stopped tracing letters and interlocked his fingers with hers. “Do you think you can get some sleep?” He didn’t want her to, but she needed it. And if she wanted him to stay, he would.
She looked up at him. “No… wait, I want to do some on you.” She rubbed her thumb lightly over his hand. “Can I do one or two?”
“Course, kiddo. You can do as many as you want.”
She shuffled closer to him, somehow, and adjusted their arms so she was holding his forearm instead, hand over his.
“Okay,” she started, rubbing her fingers back and forth on his open palm.
She started one at a time, just as he did.
“O… L… D… whoa, hey-“ he started, grabbing her fingers and squeezing them against his palm so she couldn’t trace anymore.
She giggled, leaning her face into his arm. “I have a real one, I swear.” She caught her breath and focused on his hand.
They were calloused, plenty of tiny cuts amongst the aged lines of his palm. Even with callouses and broken, red wounds, they were still soft. They were comforting, steady.
They are what hold her. They’re what dried her tears and helped her off the ground. Nightmares are chased away when her hands are engulfed by his. They’re guiding and protective. They’re gentle and stable. The same hands that have beat men to death and choked the air from their lungs are the same ones that rub circles on her back and draw letters into her palms.
And Ellie’s not good with words. Neither of them are. They can never say what they want to, what they should, so it always comes down to touch. A kiss to her temple, a hug, a hair ruffle, a hand hold, or a myriad of other small ways they’ve grown accustomed to showing their love for each other. But there has to be a right time for it.
And this, Ellie thinks, is the right time.
She starts right in the middle of his hand and draws one line down before lifting her hand slightly from his palm.
“I” he says.
She goes back, drawing another line down, but continues it out towards his thumb before pulling her hand away again.
“L”
She draws a circle next, her hands starting to shake.
“O”
She breathes in then starts the next line, diagonal from his pinky to the bottom of his palm. Then another up towards his pointer finger.
“V”
Joel realizes way later than he should’ve. It was obvious when her hands started to shake. She loves a lot of things. It’s different.
But something tells him that’s not the case.
She draws another line down the left side of his palm and then three more jutting to the right from the main line.
“E”
She breathes in louder than she wants. She places the tip of her finger by his pinky, drawing a short diagonal line before taking the line up towards his pointer finger creating a small “v”. But she goes back, drawing a straight line down at the point of the “v”.
“Y”
She pauses, waiting. He knows. She knows he knows. A part of her wants him to hold her now. To say something. I know, baby. I know. I do too. But they’re not good with words. She wants him to initiate it; to hold her to rock them back and forth, no words needed to express something so profound. She wants it to be easy for them. She wants to say it every morning and before either one of them leaves the house. She wants to say it as he leaves a room and when they say goodnight. She wants to say it in the mundane tasks, just as a reminder for the other that yes, we do.
But that’s not the case, so she continues.
She draws another circle, hands shaking the worst at this point.
“O” he says, and she can hear the tears in his throat.
She draws one last time, starting at his pinky again. She stops, holding her hand above his.
“U”
She drops her head against his arm, cheek squishing against the pressure. She interlocks their fingers again, Joel squeezing tight to her, his knuckles going white only briefly as to not hurt her.
She pushes her legs against his, desperately trying to force herself as much into his personal space as she can manage.
He places his left hand over both of theirs, rubbing copious amounts of circles and comforting movements along her fingers. She holds on to his forearm like it’s the only thing keeping her alive.
He presses his lips to the crown of her head, kissing the mess of bed-hair that’s still present. He kisses two- three times.
started crying thinking about this at 1am in bed so. ✌🏻 my writing doesn’t do the mental image I had justice so please bear with me ok i got sad and am a Bad Writer
-
Tommy gave it to her. Ellie had been asking him endless questions about Sarah that he could barely answer without cracking. Eventually the conversation was too taxing on Tommy, so he gave Ellie the picture. This is her, he’d said. She was a… beautiful kid.
It was the one of Joel with his hand over Sarah’s eyes. Both their faces were beaming and their smiles were so wide.
She didn’t think Joel could smile that wide. And Sarah? Yeah, she did have a killer smile.
Joel didn’t know Tommy gave Ellie the picture, but what caught him even more off guard was seeing Ellie admire it.
His hitched breath is what alerted Ellie to his presence. Joel made his way from the living room to the kitchen with a shaky breath and fists tight enough to draw blood from his palms.
Ellie kid the photo quickly and followed Joel, pestering him with a mix of are you okay’s and I’m sorry’s. Ellie’s concerns never landed on his ears—only the swift, fleeting sound her laugh as he covered her eyes and the dad! Shouted as he chuckled at the photo opportunity.
Sarah. Her smile. Her laugh. Her voice.
-
They don’t talk about it. At least, not until later. Not until Ellie’s curiosity got the best of her. Not until Joel had calmed down and she thought maybe.
Besides, she lost Riley. And Henry. And Sam. He’d understand, right? Thinking about her the way Ellie thinks about them? Dreaming about them?
She was his daughter, of course he did. His nightmares filled with it should’ve been me over and over again. They had to be about Sarah.
Maybe, in a way, it was selfish to ask him about her. Maybe, also, she was doing it so he could have the chance to talk about her. It couldn’t hurt, right?
“Do you still think about her?”
Joel shuffled his feet and breathed. Lying and leaving both crossed his mind, but they wouldn’t do any good. She’d come back with them again sometime later. He nodded his head. “Every day,” he said, keeping his voice steady.
Ellie nodded at the response. Really, that was all she needed. It answered her question. But, again, curiosity. What was she like? What made her laugh? Did you watch movies with her, too?
To her surprise, she’s not the one to ask the next question.
“Do you have it?”
His question surprised her, but Ellie didn’t waste a second to run upstairs, two steps at a time, and grab the photo.
When she returned, Joel’s face was in his hands. He wasn’t crying, not yet at least, but he must’ve been preparing.
Ellie wondered if he’d seen her face in full since That Day.
She sat beside him again and held the photo out. “Here,” she whispered.
He took the picture from her and held it in both his hands, his left thumb gently under Sarah’s chin.
Joel sniffed seeing her in full now. How perfect she was.
And the realization hits him way too late that all he ever did was take her for granted. Her first word, her first steps, the first time she fed herself with a fork. Her first swimming lessons and her first day of soccer practice. Their first guitar lesson together and the first time sarah cooked breakfast for him before work, just because she wanted to.
He hugged her extra tight that morning.
Every fair, museum visit and road-trip were taken for granted. Every smile and cry. Every bloody knee, twisted ankle, and calloused finger.
Joel rubbed his left thumb over her face gently and, for a brief moment, it felt like her skin. It wasn’t her face on a piece of paper anymore, it was her. The perfect, clean skin he’d washed more time than he could count. The cheeks that he’d wiped tears from so many times over. The nose he’d kissed when she was a baby. It was her.
He cried. He clutched the photo as gently as he could in one hand and cried.
Ellie was there, of course. She was pressed against his arm, her hand draped over his arm that was periodically wiping the tears from his face. His other hand was still holding tightly to the photo, his thumb occasionally brushing over her face.
And after Joel felt her the way he’d denied doing for twenty years, he talked about her more. Her beautiful smile. The way she’d always laugh at his stupid attempts at dad jokes. Her height, her room, the music she liked and how she and Tommy would gang up on Joel all turned into lengthy conversations and heartwarming memories between them.
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hey. uh. got in my thoughts pretty hard. this is way longer than I was expecting (alex i sound like you). Applebees would yell at me if I called this a drabble, so take this mini fic. enjoy, i suppose.
(ONCE AGAIN) Joel was at his woodworking table, intricately carving a spaceship. It was past sundown, Joel relying on only a desk light to be able to see and carve the rocket boosters to the length they needed to be.
“Joel!”
It was a muffled shout, but he was always hyper-aware of his name being called, especially from Ellie. Shouting his name either meant immediate danger or… he wouldn’t say worthless, but things not worth that kind of shout for.
Not that he’d complain. Being a father means your kid shouts for you no matter what they want.
He turned around in his chair, facing the door with an almost finished ship in hand. “What? What is it?”
There was a loud thump before Ellie appeared in the doorway, her ponytail a mess as she placed her hands to her knees, catching her breath.
“Girl, what is goin’ on?”
“The- the roof… clear sky… stargazing,” she managed, finally standing up straight to stare at him.
He raised an eyebrow at her, a bit intrigued as to why this earned such a shout from her.
Deep down he knew. She loved the stars. She loved space.
It was why he was whittling a spaceship, after all.
She raised her eyebrows back, acting as confused as him. “Come… up with me? It’s so clear, Joel, the stars are incredible.”
He can’t help but smile at her. After nearly a year on the road together, fighting for their lives and her suffering way more than she ever should, she’s able to lay on their roof and just watch the glimmer of hundreds of stars and trace constellations with her finger, completely enveloped by the expanding space surrounding her and it’s incredible wonder.
She sighed, walking forward to grab his forearm to bring him up from the chair. “Come… on…” she pulled, yanking him up from the chair. She still hadn’t noticed the spaceship yet. Good.
“Alright, alright, I’m comin’, kiddo,” he said, following her as she led him by the forearm to the window at the end of the hall. She started to climb through, looking back at him from halfway out of the window.
“What? How else do you want us to get up there?”
“A ladder? Shit, kiddo, there are safer ways-”
She brushed him off, continuing to climb. “Pssh, it’s fine! Now get your ass through and get up here!”
He sighed at her recklessness and the stubbornness in her decision. She was always stubborn.
He tries to tell himself she doesn’t get it from him.
He fits the spaceship securely in the front pocket of his flannel before opening the window more and attempting to fit himself through without falling and breaking his neck. “Jeez, kiddo, how the hell do you do this,” he questions to the air around him.
Another perk of being her size, he thinks.
After a few minutes of grunts, curses, and a few scrapes on his palms, he makes it up to the roof. He settles beside Ellie who’s sitting up, her knees bent with her ankles crossed, arms wrapped around her knees as she watches the sky.
He sits a similar way, knees held to his chest and arms crossed around his knees.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, Joel watching her more than the stars. She looked especially young up here watching the stars. The complete fascination she had in the world above her and how much she wanted to explore it. To go the moon and bring a fucking moon rock home. How she wanted to travel light years away to visit the most obscure plants and see them up close and study them. To see a black hole or to watch a supernova in real time.
Sure, she’d never get the chance, but her fascination with it all and her dedication to knowing everything she could was more than enough to make him happy.
She was happy. That was enough.
She scooted over closer to him, linking her left arm under and over his right forearm to join it with her other hand. She kept her knees bent and let them fall against Joel’s. She leaned her head against his arm, her eyes still trained on the sky.
He leaned his head down, kissing the crown of her head.
“It was worth climbing out of a window for, right?”
The rumble of an “mhmm” reverberates through her head, his mouth still against her hair to get an actual word out.
“So…” she starts, using her left hand to grab his right hand interlock their fingers. She pulls her pointer finger out from the grasp. “Give me your finger,” she asks, Joel lifting his own pointer finger and placing it against hers. The size difference is comical.
“So…” she begins again, lifting their arms to point towards the sky. She finds a very bright one and points their fingers to it. “That’s Venus, there. And then over there…” she says, stretching their arms, “is the Big Dipper.”
“Little dipper?”
“It’s across from the Big Dipper. The end of the Big Dippers handle is across from one of the corners of the bowl of the Little Dipper.” She says, trying to see it with her naked eye. She lifts their arms in the general direction. “It’s… somewhere in here,” she says, drawing lazy circles in the air with their conjoined hands.
Joel looks at her, a gentle smile on his face. “What else do you know, kiddo?”
She smiles back at him, grinning ear-to-ear at the question. “Alright, old man, time for the lesson of your life.”
They sit up there for an hour (maybe three) as Ellie talks on and on about the different constellations they can and see and their corresponding names, how insane space is and how much she wants to visit it, and manages even more facts about Sally Ride and the moon that she’s definitely told Joel already, not that he’d ever tell her that.
Eventually, she adjusts comfortably into his side and falls silent, mumbling nonsense into his arm.
“I re’lly wanna go to space, Joel…” she slurs, wiping tears that fall from her yawns into the sleeve of his shirt.
“I know, baby.” He contorts his left arm (as he refuses to let go of Ellie’s hand that he’s been holding for three hours straight) to reach his shirt pocket, pulling the whittled spaceship out. “Almost forgot. It’s not really done, but I thought it’d be fitting for right now.”
He holds it out by their conjoined hands, Ellie letting go of him to hold the spaceship in her palms. She treated it like a work of art; like it would fall apart if she held it with even an ounce of pressure.
Her tears aren’t just from her yawning anymore as she leans back into his arm, sniffling against the fabric. He pulls his arm around her back, holding her close to his side. She curls into him more, her face in the crook of his neck now as her hands hold carefully to the spaceship.
“Thanks,” she mumbles, Joel rubbing circles across her shoulder blades.
“You’re welcome, kiddo,” he whispers as he kisses her head twice (always twice). “But… like I said, it’s not done. It needs some touching up-“
She laughs wetly into his neck. “Fuck no, you’re not getting this back.”
He chuckles, rubbing more patterns along her back as she turns her spaceship side-to-side, inspecting every part of it.
She stays against his chest, her legs outstretched and intermixed with his bent knees. His arm was still around back, tracing gentle patterns on her back. He traced the solar system, drawing a big sun in the middle of her back (she giggled at the ticklish feeling) and drawing the surrounding plants in their orbits around it. He dotted her back with stars as well, trying to give her the full picture to fall asleep to.
It wasn’t in Joel’s plans to spend the night on the roof, but he doesn’t complain with the change.
(Once again) Joel sitting at their table or his woodworking table. Ellie comes up behind him and rests her elbows on his shoulders. She links her hands together and lays them atop his head, her chin resting on her knuckles
“What’re you doing, kiddo?”
“…nothing.”
He blows some air out of his nose, a light chuckle at her attempt to downplay the affection to something that definitely doesn’t matter. He tilts his head back, her hands and chin getting closer to his forehead. “Nothin’?” He’s smiling.
She scoffs, pushing his head back down. “What’s that thing you do sometimes…” she ponders, taking her chin off her hands and pulling them apart.
Scalp scratches.
Ellie loves scalp scratches. She doesn’t ask for them often, but Joel gives really good ones. If he knows she’s having a bad day, he asks if he can because he knows it calms her down.
She starts, gentle scratches along the top of his head. His shoulders drop, the same reaction every time he does it for her. She continues scratching, gentle and effective, making sure to change the patterns so they don’t get too repetitive and dry.
“This is almost as enjoyable as having it done to you,” she says, moving her scratches closer to his ears.
“Yeah, it is nice.”
Eventually, she moves her fingers to his forehead and starts to comb through his hair. She brings them all the way to his hairline on his neck before going back to his forehead and starting again.
“Y’now, if you wanted to comb my hair-“
“I’m not doing this because I want to.”
She was.
“I’m not doing this to ‘doll you up’ (Tommy said this once and she hasn’t let him live it down since) either, old man.”
“Uh huh,” he teases.
She combs for a while until she’s happy (not just with how he looks) before she stops.
“I get some later in return, right?”
He stands from his chair and approaches her, a hand on her shoulder first to pull her into him, both her arms wrapping around his middle. She settles into his chest, a comforting sigh escaping her lips.
His cheek rests against the top of her head as he smiles, combing one hand through her hair, carding tangles out. “For sure. You have a rats nest in here.”
Ellie’s heart grows seventy-five sizes when she sees Joel smile with that toothy smile and it’s at her. He’s smiling at her
Maybe she told a really stupid joke. Maybe her face lights up after eating ice cream. Maybe she woke up and dragged her half asleep and blanket wrapped body downstairs while his her shirt is wrinkled, eyes half closed, and hair strewn every direction except down
And he smiles. He smiles like they don’t live in the apocalypse. He smiles like they haven’t suffered so many losses in their journey. He smiles like a kid on Christmas, eyeing all the presents under the tree. He smiles like the single father he is, just happy to be in the moment with his baby girl
And it makes her smile, too. To see such an expression on his face. The way the corners of his eyes crinkle and his cheeks form around the width of his smile. How his teeth are aligned and his nose scrunches just slightly. To see him look at her in such a way that is damn near overwhelming to her because no one has ever looked at her like that
It hurts her heart, but in the best way possible.
Asshole!
Why the hell are we smuggling an infected girl?
You’re cargo.
You’re not my daughter. And I sure as hell ain’t your dad.
Some days she doubts him and that look in his eye. She thinks that maybe what he’s told her in the past is still true. That he still wants her gone
But when Joel looks at her like she’s hung every star in his sky, it’s easy for those doubts to fall away
