#kylejames

i am trying not to regret anything leading up to your death because i know it wasn’t my fault. your fate was not something that I could have prevented, even though it used to feel that way. i used to feel responsible for your life, but i realized after we ended things that i could no longer put myself in that situation. but even now, more than 3 years later, i have residual feelings. in order to move on from you, i had to cut you out of my mind - you had too much control over me otherwise. i couldn’t react when you would reach out to me and try to share your darkness with me because i had too much darkness of my own. i was still struggling with the darkness i blindly yet trustingly entered into with you when i was just 13. i knew one of these times would be the last, but now that that time has come things feel slightly surreal. i knew this life was never for you, but there were too many false alarms. too many calls for attention. too many manipulations. i’m wondering if you really tried this time, or if you just got lucky. either way, i almost feel relief that you no longer have to live the life that you hated so terribly. i know now that’s why you hated me.