#kurogabae

Fai frowned, watched quietly as Kurogane grabbed the bottle of wine and took a gulp, then two. “Kuro-sama... You’re in pain. You should try to relieve it,” Fai said, insisting.

“I’m fine,” Kurogane said against the lip of the bottle. “Not in pain.”

Kurogane took another gulp. Fai watched him with wide eyes, then scoffed in disbelief. “Yes, you are. Let me help you.”

Fai reached out to touch Kurogane’s arm, but Kurogane moved away from his touch. Sharp pain shot through Fai’s heart at the rejection. He curled his hand into a fist and dropped it on his lap. 

“Don’t need help,” Kurogane grumbled lowly. “I’m fine.”

A long beat of silence passed between them as Fai simply regarded Kurogane. Kurogane had never acted like this, even on his worst days. Fai was left shocked and confused, and anger of his own started simmering.

“Why are you acting like this?” Fai asked, his brows furrowing. “I think I know better than anyone how much pain your arm causes. Why are you acting too proud for help now?”

“I’m not acting proud,” Kurogane snapped, finally turning to look at Fai. Fai wished he would look away again; the glare Kurogane fixated on him was crippling. “I’m not in pain, I don’t need help. Just leave me alone.”

Fai shook his head. “I won’t. You do need help, Kuro-sama. If not, then why do you wake up every two hours gasping in pain?”

“I don’t-” Kurogane started.

Fai continued without missing a beat, “Or why can’t you relax enough to eat a proper meal? Why can’t you get through the evening without drinking the entire wine cellar?”

Kurogane stood suddenly, his back turned to Fai. “Stop, stop trying to figure me out.” He turned to face Fai. “Stop trying to understand, because you can’t. Stop trying to help, because nothing helps.”

Fai looked up at Kurogane with wide eyes, his mouth opening and closing a few times as he grappled with what to say. He swallowed and looked down with a shake of his head. “Kuro-sama, if... If nothing is helping, we can figure something else out. I can take you to Piffle right now to-”

“No.” Kurogane turned away again and took a few steps, towards the cherry blossom tree that was just about to bloom. “I already told you. Stop trying to help.”

The pain of Kurogane’s rejection stabbed into Fai’s heart again, only now it was a hundred times worse. The jaws of his guilt snapped shut, swallowing all of Fai in one go. It was his fault Kurogane was in so much pain, and Kurogane was right; Fai could never understand. Fai knew pain too well, but he could never know what Kurogane was going through.

Fai slowly stood up and walked back into their room, towards the door. He paused. 

If he could change things, he would, he wanted to say. If there was any way he could take the pain away from Kurogane, he would. If he could go back in time and change things, he would. Even if it meant he couldn’t be rescued from Celes, if it could have spared Kurogane from a life of chronic pain that only seemed to get worse...

Fai lowered his gaze and swallowed the lump in his throat. He knew that it was only the pain making Kurogane like this, that in a few hours, when the pain was dulled from the wine, Kurogane would realize the weight of his words and apologize. Fai knew all of that.

Knowing that didn’t make it any easier, though.