#kstick

There had been unspoken tension between them all day. All morning. All rehearsal. Ten hours of her wanting him. But they didn’t talk about that. Their past. The past season. He had moved on.  That didn’t mean though that she could stop herself from wanting him. Craving him.

 More than a couple times during rehearsal she’d wanted to show him how she still felt. With her body. To do all the things she knew he liked and all the things she hadn’t stopped dreaming about since their last time.  

“You did great today, M. I’m proud of you.”

She smiled. “Thanks.”

“I know today was long.” Maks admitted leaning against the doorway of his apartment. Another friend of hers shared the same building so she had walked with him upstairs.

“Yeah that rehearsal just about did me in.” Kirstie said her eyes meeting his. He was feeling it too. She could tell. He had that look. His gaze shifted from hers nervously. “Hard on the body.” She said.

“Do you…well…I mean…I could give you a massage?” Maks said fumbling over his words at a pathetic excuse to invite her in.

That was it. The last straw. Right then and there. She was done. Oh so done with acting and that’s saying something.

She laughed at his offer as she leaned into kiss him. She needed to know.

 If he wanted it. If she wanted it. If there was a still a chance.

 And when he met her kiss with equal intensity she knew. 

His mouth captured hers like no time had passed since their last, like he still loved her which he did.

“Mmmmm…” Kirstie hummed as they seemed to take the day’s frustrations out on each other’s mouths. She pulled away to catch her breath. 

"I’ve missed you." He breathed. 

“Then show me.” She challenged as she kicked the door shut behind them.

Kirstie’s finger hovered over the call button next to his name in her phone. The same button that haunted her every day. The button of promises. Promises that this can all be over. That she could hear his voice again. Have him there with her within the hour.

There were a million reasons she should give him up. Let him get away. Never talk to him ever but she had ordered room service and with room service came wine. And there was nothing that got her more drunk than hotel wine.

She should be thinking with her head but she’s thinking with her heart and the heart wants what it wants. She presses call.

Her heart beats a 200 beats per ring and she’s almost sure that that’s not humanly possible. It keeps ringing and she contemplates hanging up but she doesn’t.

She has to know. Has to know how this will end.

 His voicemail answers. Of course it does. Why wouldn’t it? Why would he want to talk to her? Why would she still matter?  She was about to hang up but she still wanted to hear his voice.

“You’ve reached the number of Maksim Chmerkovskiy. I am currently not able to make it to the phone leave your name and number and I’ll get back to you…” She heard a pause. “And if this is Kirstie, I still love you.”

Her phone fell onto her bed. She had heard but she couldn’t believe.  It had been over a year. A year of no contact. A year of other callers hearing that same message.

What kind of man hangs on that long? What kind of love must this be?  A million things ran through her head all at once, all the feelings she had been trying to hold back surfaced. She grabbed the phone off the bed to see if it was still connected.

“Are you satisfied with your message? If so, press one. If you would like to rerecord your message press two.” She pressed two and remained silent for a couple second, gathering her words.

“This is Kirstie… I’m in New York…” She didn’t know what else to say. She pressed to send the message and threw her phone to the foot of the bed. “What the hell did I just do?” She thought as she starred at the ceiling. 

"Are you still close with Maksim? Do you still hang out?" Kirstie’s heart beat quickened. Someone was bound to ask about him. She knew it but it still caught her off guard. She hadn’t had time to think before “I haven’t seen him in a while…Yeah.” tumbled out of her mouth.

The “yeah” had been an after thought. Something she was saying in her head. That they were still close. He still had her heart even if she hadn’t seen him after everything that had happened. That he always would. It wasn’t suppose to slip out but it did.

"…Not the same as when it was…" The interviewer pryed and Kirstie laughed nervously.

She’s uncomfortable talking about the subject. About her feelings for him. It wasn’t something she ever really talked about but she feels so many things and it makes her uneasy. “Well, you know, it’s like when you do Cheers—and you don’t see the people for a while—you know—you move on..”

How she drifted when she said “you move on” means she can’t bring herself to say it. Because it’s not real. She hasn’t. She hasn’t moved on yet. She wants to believe she has but she hasn’t and she believes that more.

”..They have a—they have their new partner.”

She stutters because her mind drifts to him and she gets the urge to call him like she has gotten a thousand times since her plane landed. She snaps back because she knows it’s not a good idea and she pushes it out of her mind.

He’ll always be the thing on her mind when she’s in New York. He’ll always be on her mind when she isn’t. The thought of him is a constant reminder that she is strong enough to walk away from the man she loved the most and maybe, just maybe, that makes her too strong.

The interviewer switches the topic and she feels the goosebumps on her arms begin to fade, her heart beat return to normal.

She’d imagined how it would feel to finally make a statement about them. She’d imagined it a million times but it was different. Her response was even different. It wasn’t final. It wasn’t anything like she’d expected. It was plain. It was simple. It was a glimpse of maybeness.

Maybe there’s a chance. Maybe everything wasn’t as bad as it seemed. Maybe it’s still open. Maybe she’d see him again. Maybe she hasn’t written him off completely. And that makes her worry, maybe she’s not strong enough.