I Finally Came Out- Publicly.
So last night was the LGBTQA Spectrum event: Coming Out Stories. I wanted to go because even though I haven't officially come out to most friends and family, I wanted to support others and help myself realise that I really am not alone, even though I should know that already. However, I was nervous because it's just...I don't know. It's a real flurry of emotions.
So I got there and sat down. We had a LOT of people, some were professors at the college, others were from the local high school's GSA. Anywho, someone threw the beads and I kind of reflexively caught them and it was my turn. I could've backed out, but I realised I had a huge weight on my chest that needed removed. So I stood up and said "I don't have a coming out story." Silence. "But I want to make one- and I want it to be a positive one, and I know it will be positive, because I'm surrounded by fellow brothers and sisters who've gone through the struggle of telling others who they really are."
And I did it- I came out as transgender to the group. I felt like I was high- I was dizzy and flushed and I could feel my heart in my face. I almost wanted to throw up and the words were flying so fast out of my mouth that I swear some couldn't understand a word that I said. But I looked around and saw people crying and connection in people's eyes and it felt more natural. It felt easier to talk. So I told my story, a story of self-discovery, unimaginable pain, horrible assumptions and remarks, and progress through the years. And then I finished, and I sat down. I knew people would clap, we did after every story.
But I heard clapping that could've been deafening, and suddenly I was football-tackled by everyone in hugs and people confirming proper pronouns and promising to call me by my new name. A friend I had made who I wasn't particularly close to...she came up to me and gave me the biggest hug and kissed me on the cheek and told me she was so proud of me and couldn't stop hugging me all night, I swear she was about to cry.
It's still weird realising that some people know me as Kristopher now, instead of Mackenzie. I've always hidden myself to make others happy, because I'm terrified of rejection, and being alone. I'm horrified at the idea of someone not liking me for absolutely no reason. It's sad I guess, that I still haven't told my family (even though they already suspect something's up). But then again, I'm not obligated to tell just whoever, and I'm not obligated to tell people that I don't feel are ready to know.
An added bonus is I'm now on the path to medically transitioning now. The school counselor is focusing on getting me to a gender specialist so I can hopefully get the all-clear for hormone treatment in the future, as well as other specialists. I know the road is long and difficult, but I'm pushing forward every day and I know the reward will be invaluable- happiness and clarity.
It feels nice to have that weight removed, because I can breathe again.
