Ed had been up Izzy’s ass the the last day, quite literally screaming orders in his ear, pausing occasionally to cough wetly. Izzy would just close his eyes and force a smile before responding with, “Yes, Captain.”

This morning, Izzy had awoken the crew early - somehow managing to be both yelling at them and quiet as not to wake Ed.

“Alright listen up, dogs! Blackbeard is… under the weather… and is more irritable than usual.” Izzy started. “I want you lot to just do what he says and try not to fucking upset him.”

“Why is that our job? He’s the one being a dick.” Jim muttered, twirling their knife.

Izzy sighed, having known Ed the longest. “Because the sooner he is well again, the sooner he stops being a cunt.”

“Yeah, that’s a good enough answer for me I feel.” Frenchie looked around for agreement. Everyone stayed silent, but Fang gave a single nod in solidarity.

“I want you all to keep your heads down and stay out of his fucking way. If he asks anything, you say ‘yes captain’ and fucking do it. And you-” Izzy points to Frenchie, “I want you find what’s left of any medicine that Bonnet left on board. Is that understood?”

There were some silent nods.

“I SAID IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?!?” Izzy screamed.

“Yes, fucking Christ.” Jim grumbled, bringing some hands up towards their ears.

“H’iszzzSCHEW! K’tCHuh!”

Just as they were finishing up, Ed kicked the door in, sniffling thickly against his gloved hand.

“What the fuck are you all doing down here???”

Izzy quickly came up with a lie, “I was just telling these fucking idiots that it shouldn’t take this long to clean the floor!”

Izzy shot Frenchie a glance and he immediately dropped to his knees, using a piece of his shirt to scrub at the floor.

“I’m sorry captain Blackbeard sir, it’s just hard to clean the floor without any.. water?” He tried to play along with the charade.

“Hmm. You’re right.” Ed hummed thoughtfully before spitting on the floor right in front of the younger man. “There. Now you’ve got something.”

Frenchie held back a gag as Ed stormed out the other door to the deck of the ship, Izzy and crew following behind. Jim have Frenchie a hand up and he scurried off to go find Stede’s medicine stash.

*****

One thing about the gentleman pirate is that he was bound to have loads of the unnecessary - books, fine fabrics, and medicine. It only took a few minutes for Frenchie to find the bottles in the Captains’ chambers bathroom, but seeing as he couldn’t read, he just grabbed everything and shoved it into a crate to bring to Izzy on the upper deck.

Hands full of different bottles and vials, he turned on his heels to leave the Captain’s chambers. Slamming into the chest of the captain…

“The fuck are you doing in my room?!” Ed hissed, looking the man up and down.

“I uh… you see Mr.Blackbeard sir… I just.. I was…”

Ed’s scowl gave way momentarily to something more relaxed. He turned to the side out of habit, sneezing openly at the air.

“Eh’tSZzZiew! Snlrff”

“Shut up! You’re fucking taking too long.” Ed held up a hand, making Frenchie stop.

The crew member was frozen, staring wide eyed, his eyes locked on the small trail of mess leaking down Ed’s upper lip.

Ed had him pinned against the wall. “The fuck are you staring at?”

“You’ve just…. You’ve got a little…on your face…” Frenchie stammered, gesturing towards Ed’s nose.

He watched in horror as Ed’s nostrils flared once again right in front of him. He squeezed his eyes and hoped for the best.

“H’ekTSZZZuhew!”

Frenchie scrunched his face as he felt droplets hit his cheek.

“Well now you’ve got a little something on your face too.” Ed released his grip on the man, throwing him against the wall and rubbing his own nose again.

“This is so unsanitary.” Frenchie whined quietly.

“What was that???”

“I said uh… sanctuary! Thank you for providing us with such a great… sanctuary….” The fake enthusiasm trailed off at the end before he scurried away to the upper deck.

When he arrived topside, he looked like he’d seen a ghost. Jim was standing at Izzy’s side.

“Jeez what the fuck happened to you?” They asked.

“Here’s your fucking medicine.” Frenchie aggressively dropped the crate of medicine on the barrel in front of Izzy, pausing to wipe at his face and swiping one of the bottles, “this one’s for me now.”

Izzy huffed a knowing sigh and rubbed at his temple. “He sneeze on you?”

Jim made a face of disgust as Frenchie nodded. “Yup…”