#kodag

So, it’s been several years since I wrote part 1. A lot has changed. And I think we’ve lost ourselves in it all.

We’ve been together almost 9 years, married 5. We have 2 kids now. And our relationship has been through the ringer. We’ve been through multiple deaths in our families. We’ve been through all of our first born’s medical complications. We’ve been through many highs and lows. We’ve gone through things that most couples will never experience. We’ve hit rock bottom a few times. But we’ve always just said “we’ll figure it out.” And we always did.

Until now.

I’m not exactly sure how things got to this point. I know half of it’s my fault. I can’t take back the things I’ve said and done. But I never thought we’d be here. In this dark, painful place. When we kissed for the first time, I saw literal fireworks. I wonder when that became nothing more than a dull flame. Life changes people. Our experiences have molded us into the adults we are now. But for some reason it made us drift apart instead of come closer together.

You say you’ll always love me. But you don’t think you’re in love with me anymore.

Well, sorry, but I call bullshit on that one.

I think we’ve both been angry for so long about things, that don’t necessarily have anything to do with the other, that we couldn’t see past all the bullshit.

I can now. I can see more clearly than I’ve been able to in a long time. I see all the hurt. I see the pain. I see the regret. I see the longing. I see the hesitation. I see the walls. And I see why you would think this won’t work out in the end.

But I also see the moments we still have. Moments where we’re not bogged down by all the shit. Moments where we’re genuinely just enjoying each other’s company. Moments where I feel like us again.

They might be fleeting but the fact that they are there at all, tells me we still have a fighting chance. And though you may have given up, I haven’t. You say you’ll work as hard as you can to make things work so you won’t have regrets when we eventually go our separate ways but I’ll be working to prove to you that we don’t need to. That our love is still there. It can still survive. I’ll do everything in my power to stoke those flames and reignite that fire. Everything. I’ll make you see that this marriage isn’t over. That we can still have a long, healthy, loving relationship. I won’t let the bullshit cloud everything. I won’t let my anger get the best of me. I won’t let you think this is all for not. Right now, you feel like I don’t understand you. That I don’t see you. That I don’t know you. But I used to. I do know parts of you. And I will get to know the rest of you now that I can see more clearly. I’m sorry that it took me this long to fully understand and open my eyes to everything. I know you’re angry. I know you’re hurt. I know you just want to be done with everything. But I also know that deep down inside, you want this to work. You want to stay together. You want to get back to being us again. If you didn’t, you would’ve let me leave. You wouldn’t have been in the livingroom that morning. Your voice wouldn’t have been choked with emotion when you told me “I don’t want this.” If you were really, truly done, you would’ve let me leave. I caught a glimpse of the real you under it all that day and I’m clinging to that hope. Because I know you want this too. I want to grow old with you. I want to raise our kids with you. I want to be your wife, partner, best friend. I want to be everything I thought I would be when I said “yes” to your proposal. I’m sorry that I lost myself in the bullshit. I’m sorry that my anger made me say and do things that never should’ve crossed my mind. I’m sorry I put you through unnecessary hell. But I’m here. I’m going to fight to fix things. I’m going to prove to you that we aren’t a lost cause. I love you with everything in me. I am still so in love with you. And I’m terrified to lose you.

When I met you in my sophmore year of high school, I would never have guessed that you'd be the guy I moved to Pennsylvania with. I never would've guessed you'd be the guy I'd wake up to every morning, the guy I go to when I'm falling apart. I never would've guessed the one I was looking for would be you. You were this obnoxious, over-confident, in your face, man-whore. You got alllllllll the ladies. Or so it seemed. You were always flirting with me and then acting like you didn't care. I drove me insane and as much as I didn't like to admit it, you lit a fire in me. I hated you so much because I desired you SO much. Yes, sexually, but more emotionally than anything. I wanted to know you. I often caught myself staring at you. Even when I was dating your best friend, you were still right there. In my face. Taunting me.

It took me a while to come to terms with my feelings and when I finally did, I had to chance to be with you. However, it wasn't the right timing for us so we kept our feelings from each other. We would drift apart here and there but we were never truly far away. You had always been Gleba to me. The kid that I always avoided when his little chat box popped up on my screen or when I'd walk past you in the hallways. Even though you were so annoying and I avoided you so much, there was still something there. 

I graduated and we went our separate ways. And at one point I really believed that I'd probably never see you again. Till one day, I was riding around in my car with Jyeesha and stumbled into your neighborhood. 

Me: "Hah, Dakoda Gleba lives there."

Jye:"Really? Interesting."

Me:"I wonder if he's home, we could harass him."

Jye:"Haha, sure."

Me:(Texts him)

Me: Hey, I just drove past your house.

Him: No way! I'll come out.

Me: I already drove past though.

Him: Come back around then, I wanna see you. Please.

Me: Okay.

Me:"He wants us to come back around, it'll only be a bit."

You walked outta the house with the BIGGEST goofy grin I'd ever seen. It was nice seeing you again. You were as attractive as ever, as usual. You came over to the car and said hello. Then you got all excited and asked me to pull around the back, that you had something to show us. I almost declined but you were so eager, it was cute. I pulled my car around the back.

Me:"He just wants to show us something. We'll see it and then go. Okay?"

Jye:"Mmmmmmhm. Okay."

You showed us your new car. You reminded me of my Dad with how excited you were. Boys and their toys. Then you asked us what we were doing and ran into your house.

Me:"He's not getting in this car. We're not hanging out with him..."

Jye:"Yes we are.."

Me:"....yeahhh, I know."

Long story long, we hung out for the first time in a very long time that day. And that's where this began. That day was the first day we moved towards us. Now, I was in a relationship at the time, but I was unhappy and lonely. I was on my way out of it, that's for sure. We hung out many times after that. One time we hung out with your friend TJ. He was a troubled kid and I was listening to him and giving him advice. I guess you thought that I absolutely HAD to know how you felt because as soon as TJ paused you looked at me and said, "I love this girl. Like, seriously. I love you." At the time I thought you were nuts or desparate or something. So, I ignored you. But you words did not go unheard. 

We continued to hang out and one day we got on the subject of how we've never kissed. You said you respected me far too much to kiss me while I'm in a relationship but...I told you to. I had always wanted to kiss you, from day 1. The first day we met. I was so curious and wanted to so bad. I was also lonely and desparate for attention.. We decided the next time we hung out alone, that we would. I was soooo nervous that night. I picked you up and we went to our usual hang out spot. We kinda beat around the bush till we were ready.