Looking over the footage I have so far for the next Parts of a Whole, I am feeling even less confident than I did with the first one. I feel like my characters are lost somehow. They are flat. I can’t portray them the way I want to. It’s like there is a huge disconnect between the way I write and the way I act. It is soul-shattering to me at this moment. I want nothing more than to continue this series in a way that pays homage to where the idea came from, but do it with my own voice. In the script, it comes out clearly... but on camera? Not even close. It feels almost fraudulent. Nothing sounds or looks sincere and no matter how I change angles, lighting levels, speech patterns, or character blocking, it all just falls short. Maybe my standards are too high... but I feel like I hit a home run with the first one and this one feels like a bunt at best. I don’t expect a home run every single video, but dammit, I’d at least like to get to 2nd or 3rd ... I wish it were easier to grab a few of you and show you the footage to get your opinion so maybe I can fix whatever it is that I’m doing wrong. But EVERYTHING feels wrong. All of it feels wrong. It looks awful, it sounds awful, and I hate the idea of just finishing it just to hit my own arbitrary deadline. Am I so out of practice that I’ve forgotten how to act? Am I so out of touch with myself that I can’t even portray my own personality traits? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?!?!?!
