#kmabe

That gets him a hum, but nothing more, and Felix watches the swirls of smoke unfurling from Mason's cigarette dissipate into the cool night air for a long, quiet moment, his fingers tapping against his knees where they're pulled up to his chest.

Mason lasts another five minutes before he sighs softly, putting out the cigarette on the tile and tucking his hands behind his head. His eyes are closed, but Felix knows he has his full attention.

"So. Where's Merry?" Mason starts it off - he always does. He may snip and grumble about talking about feelings but he never turned Felix away, and he never let Felix stew too long. Something tight unclenches in Felix's stomach and he manages a weak smile, even if Mason doesn't see it.

"Asleep." And oh, how it had sucked to slip out of that bed - pull away from where he’d been wrapped up in Merry. They didn’t get many nights like that, what with Merry having the sleep schedule of a particularly overworked college student still (Felix did occasionally worry that the man was just, one day, going to collapse due to lack of sleep, but Merry keeps insisting that he’s fine, which is concerning in and of itself) and Felix just not needing all that much sleep. Lining both of those up took work, and planning and...and was so worth it, when they managed.

But tonight he just...hadn’t been able to settle, mind going a mile a minute in the dark and the quiet. So, he’d waited until Merry’s breathing had evened out - waited until the arms wrapped around him had settled and relaxed enough for him to slip out without waking him. If he was lucky, he’d be back before he woke up, and it’d be fine.

“And?”

Oh. Right, Mason.

Felix sighs softly, picking at the tear that’s starting to show in the knee of his sweats. “I dunno. Head wouldn’t shut up.”

“About?”

“You know, one of these days you’re gonna have to like. Actually use sentences.” That gets Mason cracking one eye just to glare at him. “Or you could just. Use less, apparently. Go back to one word questions.”

He gets nothing.

Any other day, he’d wait Mason out, if only to poke and prod the bear a little more. But tonight…

“What if I fuck it up?” It’s out before he can fully think about how to lead up to it. How to phrase it, how to...how to deal with it. It’s been pinging around his brain all night - all week, all month, since...since this all started, really, when he actually lets himself think about it.. Because that’s what it boils down to, doesn’t it?

And Mason’s still quiet, but Felix can feel his eyes on him now and as much as he wants his friend’s advice here, he also doesn’t really want to meet that gaze. Doesn’t want to see...whatever might be there. Pity? Derision? Some mix of the two?

Probably not. It’s Mason. His friend. His friend who may not like relationships but who has been on Felix’s side with this from the first instant Felix himself thought it might be serious. He wouldn’t.

But the idea’s still there, scraping at the back of his mind, like the rest of this mess, so he looks back up at the stars instead.

“You talk to him?” Oh, hey look, an actual sentence. Before he can say anything, Mason’s prodding him sharply in the side, and Felix just shakes his head, the laugh he tries for stalling out before it can bubble up, but damn does it try.

“No, no I haven’t. What would I even say?” Oh god, what would he say?

The anxiety should probably be giving him horrible suggestions, but honestly? He’s just drawing a blank, and that’s...almost worse. He can take bad, and stupid, and wrangle it back to normal. He can do that, as long as he has something to work with.

But this? He has nothing. There is no conversation he could have with Merry about this, because just imagining it opens a blank in his mind that he can’t see the end of.

Well, no, scratch that, he can see an end. An end to it all, if he does fuck it up. He can see that just fine. But can’t see...can’t see a way around it. Can’t find a string of words to twist and turn to keep it from happening.

There’s another sharp prod to his side and he squawks, snapping back to the present. “Stop that!”

“Stop getting lost in your head then.”

He glares and scoots a couple inches further away, like that’ll do anything.

Mason snorts at him, settling back down, “Why do you think you have to say anything? Just start the conversation. See where it goes.” There’s a pause, one that Felix can’t quite parse before Mason’s suddenly getting up, and Felix frowns up at him, too confused to really ask why-

“Look, Merry’s a dick, but he’s not stupid. Just try it.”

“Hey!” A voice calls from the window.

Oh.

Oh shit.

Mason shrugs, lighting up another cigarette as he heads for the edge of the roof, “What, it was a compliment.”

“Only somewhat, jerk.” Mason snickers at him, waving a half-hearted salute before stepping off the roof to escape what is likely to be a very awkward conversation. “Also, Nate asked you stop doing that!”

“Nate can ask me himself!” Comes the response from the ground before Felix hears him head back into the warehouse.

Maybe if Felix sits really, really still, this will all just...go away. It’s the only thought that keeps him rooted to his spot as he hears Merry finish climbing through the window to come sit beside him.

It’s quiet then, the two of them just...breathing in the night air. And Felix aches to go back to bed - to breathe in the dark, and the quiet, and put all of this back to the back of his mind where it can’t get in the way, where it can’t hurt.

“Hey you…” Merry finally breaks the silence, gently leaning against his shoulder - the way he does when he’s testing if Felix wants him there, the way he does when he’s not sure. And Felix can’t have that.

He can have his freak out, but he never wants Merry to think he’s not wanted in his space, so he pulls his legs up to his chest again, and slumps against Merry’s side. And there’s a startled breath for a moment before Merry’s humming and wrapping an arm around his shoulders, just like Felix wanted.

“So.” Just. Start the conversation. He can do that. “How much of that did you hear?” And Felix isn’t really sure he even knows what he wants that answer to be.

“Enough.” Merry says, taking a moment to breathe in through his nose in that way that Felix knows means he’s actually thinking about what to say next. He does it a lot more than he thinks people realize.

Quiet again, as Merry thinks, and as Felix lets himself relax. He still doesn’t have a view of how this is going to go, but the fact that it’s going regardless is slightly less terrifying than he’d thought it’d be. Not by much, mind you, but enough.

“...You know. Tina’s put out a ban on any calls after two am that are not an actual emergency, because I kept calling her, in a panic.”

Felix pauses, blinking slightly and pulling back just enough to get a look at him. “Over what?” He can’t see it. For all that Merry’s pretty damn emotional, he’s not...he’s never uncontrolled, like that. It’s a...a control thing, Felix is pretty sure.

(But, then, he didn’t see what happened in the sewers, after he passed out. He only has Adam’s word on that. And he doesn’t want to see that.)

Merry gives him a lopsided, sheepish smile, “Over how I was certain I was screwing this whole thing up.”

What? How in the hell could Merry be the one screwing up anything with this, this is the best relationship Felix has ever had, and they’re still learning each other so of course there’s going to be some growing pains, but nothing that he should be worried about and-

And Merry’s laughing at him. Felix huffs, gently shoving his shoulder before settling back against it, “What’re you laughing about?”

“You just had a full rant getting prepared in your head, didn’t you?”

“Well, yeah, of course I did - how could you think you’re messing this up?”

“How could you?”

Because- well. Because…

Oh.

Felix groans, shifting enough to bury his face against Merry’s shoulder, reaching out to gently thump Merry’s chest when he feels Merry laughing again. “Shut up…”

“Sorry, sorry...it’s just...I get it, okay? I get it.” There’s a whisper of a kiss pressed to his forehead, and the sigh that slips out of him at the touch is soft, and he can feel his body sag with it.

“We’re a bit of a mess, huh?” He mutters.

“Mm. A little. But we’ll make it work.”

“Promise?”

But, then, that had been an hour ago. And he’s had plenty of time to stew over just what happened.

It hadn’t even clicked that something was...wrong? Too strong of a word, honestly. But something had been off, of that he was certain, looking back.

He’d been looking for Santi, if for no other reason than he hadn’t seen him since he’d gotten back from the station earlier that afternoon. Felix was making some noises about playing some manner of card game, and he might have also been trying to escape that until he could return with backup - but mostly he’d just wanted to see him.

He’d found him getting changed in his room - just finishing putting on his running shoes.

Had said he’d be back in an hour - maybe two - and Adam hadn’t even thought it through completely when he’d offered to go with.

Again. It wasn’t wrong. Just off. The way Santi looked at him then. There was something there in the quiet, even before he’d smiled crookedly and waved him off, “You’d be bored out of your mind, don’t worry about it.”

There’d been half an argument already on Adam’s lips - if he was with Santi, why would he be bored? - before he actually caught the way Santi wasn’t looking at him. The way he was shifting his weight. “...Am I intruding?” He’d asked, gently - though, for who’s sake, he didn’t quite know.

And the way Santi’s eyes had widened and snapped back to him had at least set that fear to rest, “No! No, it’s not...it’s not that.” Then he’d sighed, running a hand down his face, only half hiding the way that beautifully rakish smile had twisted into something thin and weak, “This is totally a ‘me’ thing. Not you.”

“Okay.” Had been about all Adam could say to that, confused as he was. The hurt was bleeding away at least, leaving a twisting in his chest he could only identify as worry.

“Mm...I’ll be back in an hour or so yeah? Then we can talk,” he’d leaned up to press a kiss to Adam’s cheek as he passed - Adam bending down that last inch on instinct at this point - “And then we can remind Felix why he swore off playing poker with me.” Before Adam can even ask how he knew that, he was gone.

Leaving Adam with a tangle he couldn’t parse.

Fifteen minutes in, he was definitely freaking out - convinced he’d overstepped somewhere. Which was about when Santi had texted him.

An hour later, he was doing pretty good at the whole ‘not freaking out’ thing. They’d talk. They were good at that, no matter what Nate said.

He’s in the kitchen brewing coffee by the time Santi gets back in. It’s something to both do with his hands, as well as shortening the route to the conversation - Santi liked to drink a cup of coffee after he went out running. Santi had mentioned something about usually running in either the early morning or late at night, when the chill settled more easily into the bone, and Adam had just left it at that.

Never thought to make him his cup though, until now.

He hears him come into the kitchen - hears the steady, heavy beat of his heart, just now coming down from it’s pace - and he practically feel the tension in his shoulders melt away, despite the situation. When he turns back around with the steaming mug in hand, Santi’s perched on the kitchen counter, smiling at him with that beautiful, bright smile of his.

Whatever’s going on, Adam’s suddenly sure things will be okay. New, and maybe a little awkward, but okay.

He doesn’t say anything, instead opting to head over to hand the cup over without a word. Santi hums softly, inhaling the deep, rich scent that Adam’s only just starting to gain an appreciation for.

Maybe, just maybe, he’ll have to make this a habit.

“Thank you…” Santi murmurs, hooking an ankle loosely around Adam’s leg, as if he plans to move away anytime soon.

“Mm-hm. Are you doing okay?” It seems the best place to start - up until Santi sighs softly, the mug dropping to his lap, and no, no, he wanted that smile back.

But this is important, he reminds himself. Has to remind himself.

“Yeah. I’m sorry - I didn’t mean to make things weird.” Santi’s not looking at him, but it looks more contemplative than avoidant, so Adam just rests his hands on the counter on either side of him, giving him the time. “It’s not...Look, this is going to sound so stupid.” And there’s a laugh then, that’s too cracked and twisted for Adam’s liking.

There’s another quiet moment, as Santi works through whatever it is that he wants to say. “I didn’t want to slow you down. To keep up with me.” His hand whips up before Adam can even finish opening his mouth, and he snaps it shut again. “I know, okay, I know it’s not like that. You’d go slow, and you wouldn’t care. And normally, I wouldn’t either.” The smile at least looks more real this time as he looks up, but there’s also a...an exhaustion there, that Adam knows normally hides around the edges. Santi so rarely lets it slip through.

“I’m normally okay with being the squishy human on the team. More than okay with it actually, since I’m pretty sure you guys could use a new perspective every once in awhile,” well, he wasn’t wrong, “And I know what I can do is perfectly acceptable, for a human.”

Silence again, as Santi’s head drops back down, his fingers curling tightly around the mug.

“But…” Adam murmurs, risking moving his hands to Santi’s waist, if only to pull him a little closer. It seems to be the right move, as he feels some stiffness leave Santi’s form.

“But, knowing isn’t always feeling. And watching you slow yourself down just to run with me… I don’t think it would’ve been good for me to see. Not when I was already having a bad head day.”

Adam hums softly when Santi trails off, leaning down to press a kiss to his temple, only to laugh softly when Santi leans forward enough to thump his forehead against his chest. “It’s dumb, I know.” he mutters.

“Not at all,” he murmurs in return, pressing another kiss to his curls, and enjoying the sigh that gets him in response, “no matter how you feel, you are more than enough. Always,” he whispers, smiling when he feels the soft, wet laugh rumble through Santi’s frame.

“I know. But it’s...nice to hear, sometimes.”

He can do that. He can absolutely do that.

“I wouldn’t mind if we did go running together. Every once in awhile.” And it’s said so carefully - like Adam might actually say no to that.

“Mm...I would like that. Just tell me when you would like me to join.” And there’s that bright, soft smile again - only interrupted when he leans up to steal a kiss, and Adam dutifully bending down that last inch to meet him. He tastes like coffee and sunshine, and if Nate ever heard him actually say that, he’d never hear the end of it.

Is almost tempted to mention it anyway, if only to see that smile again.