#klerrdiaries

After days of crying, finally got to distract myself and take my mind off some painful things.

Japanese food and a good movie helped.  The Accountant was good though he didn’t highlight our profession very well.  Haha.  I was expecting more of our jargon you know.  Even so it was entertaining for someone like me who’ve been sulking in her room for days.  I haven’t watched a movie in a cinema for a while.  I haven’t watched an action film for a while.  Last movie I watched was Camp Sawi and How to be Yours.  Explains the crying.

Progress of job hunt has been terrible.  Thing is, people think they know what’s best for me.  I applied for this position and they keep putting me somewhere else I don’t like.  They think it would be better for me here and there.  Did it even cross their mind that I wouldn’t apply if I'm not up for what I’m applying for?  I’ve committed this mistake before.  Saying yes because I thought they were doing me a favor but at the end of the day I am the only one who knows what’s best for me.  Still regretting that advisory engagement and a lot of other things.  Haaayyy, people making decisions for me as if it’ll spare my heart when in reality I’ll be the one to suffer the consequences, not them, so might as well choose what to exchange the consequences with.

Anyway, to distract my self even more I try to go out as much as I could.  Join my brother’s checkup even though hospitals creeped me out, tag along to my mom’s trips and saying yes to anyone who invites me out.  Talking to a lot of friends also helped.  Helped me make a genuine smile these past two days. :)

At the end of each night, I tell myself, “I don’t want to cry today”. Close the letter, and stop listening to that stupid song. Try not to remember everything that makes it hurt. Whisper a short prayer. And then fall asleep.

Spent my holidays nursing a cold and fever.  It’s been a while since I got this sick.  The restless week might have weaken my immune system and being exposed to a lot of virus from the commute and hospital visits didn’t help.  I’ve been juggling hospital visits and household chores since my mom’s in the hospital for my brother’s surgery alongside with my job interviews.  I wake up really early everyday to get all the household chores almost done before leaving for my appointment.

Since I missed my contract signing for an internal audit job that I halfheartedly liked, I had to apply for another company.  I really was unsure of that job offer that I was thankful when the HR department stopped contacting me.  Haha.

For my current application, results of the exam and interviews has been good so far.  I only have to meet the department head since sadly she’s in a meeting the day I had my other interviews so I had to meet her next time.  I really hope that the HR would remember to call me this week.  Haha.  I’m still nervous if I already got it.  Even though the Senior Manager already mentioned requirements and the HR already congratulated me I don’t want to keep my hopes up and jinx it.  I really really want this.  The company, the location, the job itself even the salary is okay.  It’s exactly what I wanted.  

I am really really stoked to work.  Coming from the long vacation, recent fever, I feel like that I had just gone from a major reset.  I am so excited to jump start my career in the private field.  I miss being busy and productive.  I don’t remember being excited to work before so I think this is a good feeling.  Hoping that I get this job and hoping for better days!

“Habang wala pa, balang araw, baka sakali, pakalunod muna tayo sa lungkot.” -Joan, Camp Sawi, 2016

I’ve got a job interview tomorrow and I am freaking nervous.

I actually wasn’t but when I researched about the company I was applying for it was only then I realized that “Wow this is big”.  And since I want to impress them I even tried to read their latest financial report and freaked out a bit more because damn this is complex, way more complex than the previous client I’ve handled in the same industry.  

Commercial:  By the way, helpful tip to ace an interview would be to research about the company.  Aside from their products and key personnel, it’s helpful to take note of their values and vision and subtly use it in your statements during the interview.  HAHAHA.  Really helps to build connection with the interviewer and it gives the impression that your values are aligned with those of the company.  Or that you did your research.  When I was younger, I didn’t know about this so I kind of mess up an interview with a scholarship that I was applying for because I can’t explain their motto.   To add, I was clueless with one company I was applying an internship for.  I still got the scholarship and the internship but looking back, I wished I could’ve impressed the HR personnel or projected a better self brand.  Anyway, you could always just be your wonderful self. :)

So back to the job I was telling you about, I don’t think I’m gonna get it anyway.  There’s over 80 other applicants and I’m sure that there will be people with better credentials and competencies than me so I don’t want to get my hopes up huhuhu.  But it looks so promising and I kind of secretly want it so I gave it a try.  After all who knows.   Also, it’s already halfway of October and I’m targeting to start on a new job by November.  Hopefully.

My inferiority complex is right by my shoulders again.  Anyway, I still have one interview in case this thing won’t work out. 

This season is taking so long....in the mean time, please help me keep in mind How Wonderful It Is To Not Be Perfect.

"Kung hanggang saan yung pagmamahal, kung hanggang saan yung sakit, tayo yung magsasabi nun, kaya natin yun..."   - Clarisse, Camp Sawi, 2016

Mahal ko pa eh.  Mahal na mahal. Kaso, mahal ba niya talaga ako? Bakit hinahayaan niya kong masaktan?

So I quit my job.  And broke up with the same guy over and over again.

I’ve been trying to keep it still for over a month now.  

I resigned from my previous job.  It’s a promising job especially if I could’ve stayed for about one more year or two.  But work life balance.  I could only take so much.  I think I would regret it more if I didn’t spend enough time with my mom than not being the career woman that was waiting for me on that job.  I also felt that it was not for me. I’ve given it enough time or grace period but I  had this tugging feeling that it was really time for me to go.  I did not bother to look for a next job immediately because I feel like a need a break.  I want to have a clear mind and not just jump on the next thing that’s available.  I want to really want the next job.  And I decided that this October I would start my job hunting because, Christmas is almost here so holiday shopping and eating!!!

In addition, I got  back with my ex only to break up again.  The usual he swore that it would be different this time but ughhhhh nothing has changed.  He’s still the “no-time-for-me-full-of-excuses-lazy” guy I know.  It was just that I thought that he’d change.  I chose to regret giving him another chance than having that what if feeling that maybe he’s the one for me and he just needs time.  But I have this tugging feeling for the longest time that I deserve better.

So here I am. Unemployed and hurt. Kept still for the whole month of September. And now slowly getting back up.

At the end of the day, you choose your regrets.  Give it a try, give it time,but know when to stop.  You’ll know.  You’ll have this tugging feeling.  

Pray for it. Talk to Him.  Trust Him. For He says "Be still, and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10

Get back up.  You’ll come back stronger.  :)