i ran. i'm not entirely proud of it, but i did. the threat of confronting feelings i'd forcibly stuffed deeper ˙⅋ deeper down into myself ── feelings i'd 𝖡𝖠𝖱𝖤𝖫𝖸 begun to acknowledge ── had made my mind up for me before it ever became a question. end of season simply handed me the excuse i was looking for ── nobody thought twice about the distance i put between myself ˙⅋ mcqueen racing when the conversation surrounded going back to 𝖭𝖤𝖶 𝖮𝖱𝖫𝖤𝖠𝖭𝖲. going back to 𝖬𝖸 𝖥𝖠𝖬𝖨𝖫𝖸. it was easy. 𝖨𝖳 𝖠𝖫𝖬𝖮𝖲𝖳 𝖬𝖠𝖣𝖤 𝖬𝖤 𝖥𝖤𝖤𝖫 𝖡𝖠𝖣.
that was two days ago. forty eight hours pretending i could 𝖲𝖳𝖠𝖸 𝖠𝖧𝖤𝖠𝖣 of it. then my phone vibrated ˙⅋ the inevitable caught up.
› @kingprix , 𝖨𝖭𝖢𝖮𝖬𝖨𝖭𝖦. i miss you. i hate that i do.
𝖥𝖴𝖢𝖪. fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. instinctively, my phone goes flying across the couch as if distancing myself from it 𝖯𝖧𝖸𝖲𝖨𝖢𝖠𝖫𝖫𝖸 would somehow change the words on the screen. it doesn't. i spent what felt like 𝖠𝖭 𝖤𝖳𝖤𝖱𝖭𝖨𝖳𝖸 looking for an option that didn't exist. because realistically 𝖶𝖧𝖠𝖳 𝖶𝖤𝖱𝖤 𝖳𝖧𝖤𝖸 𝖠𝖭𝖸𝖬𝖮𝖱𝖤 ? i could ignore him. except, eventually, 𝖧𝖤'𝖣 𝖢𝖠𝖫𝖫. ˙⅋ then i'd be back here. up a creek without a paddle.
𝖨 𝖢𝖮𝖴𝖫𝖣 𝖣𝖤𝖥𝖫𝖤𝖢𝖳. or i could lie. come up with some 𝖡𝖴𝖫𝖫𝖲𝖧𝖨𝖳 𝖱𝖤𝖠𝖲𝖮𝖭 why we 𝖢𝖮𝖴𝖫𝖣𝖭'𝖳 ── something technically true, but not something either of us would believe. teeth catch the edge of my thumb nail, biting at it until it snapped. 𝖢𝖮𝖮𝖫. with a groan, i leaned over ˙⅋ fished my phone out from between the couch cushions where it'd disappeared.
› 𝖫 𝖬𝖢𝖰𝖴𝖤𝖤𝖭 , 𝖮𝖴𝖳𝖦𝖮𝖨𝖭𝖦. ok. we can't.
› 𝖫 𝖬𝖢𝖰𝖴𝖤𝖤𝖭 , 𝖮𝖴𝖳𝖦𝖮𝖨𝖭𝖦. 𝖨 can't have this conversation thru text from countries away, landon.
˙⅋ then, before i could i could talk myself down from the impulsivity coursing through my veins, i followed with :
› 𝖫 𝖬𝖢𝖰𝖴𝖤𝖤𝖭 , 𝖮𝖴𝖳𝖦𝖮𝖨𝖭𝖦. but ... i miss you too. i don't really 𝖧𝖠𝖳𝖤 𝖨𝖳 though.