#kindofangsty

Conrad fisher x reader 

Warnings: mentions of cancer 

A/N: italics is a flashback

Every fall I would come to cousins for a week, to fix anything around the house that needed it, and every fall, just for a week the Beck house was mine. The house itself was summer, even in the fall, every room every hallway screamed summer, I loved it, loved the warmth and the memories that erupted from every crevice of the house. 

This fall was no different, I had packed up my car and driven from Philly to Cousins alone as usual, singing along to every song on the long playlist Conrad and I had created for the road trip we have never taken. Every summer with him was the same: Bonfires, dancing, shared glances and lingering touches that never amounted to anything. Every year I justified it the same way, Belly was my younger sister and she was in love with him, who was I to take that from her, to steal the light of my sister's life even if I have loved him for longer, and even if I was convinced that he loved me too. But then this summer, this summer Belly kissed Jeremiah, took him to the deb ball, became his girlfriend and left me with the horrifying realisation that I couldn’t use her feelings as an excuse to bury my own. 

I shuddered walking into the Beck house, flicking on the lights and immediately cranking the heat up. Unlocking the family room doors I stopped for a second and took in the sight, of 5 new portraits painted by Susannah hung up I couldn’t help but admire each one, bask in the memories I knew would always linger in the careful brushstrokes on the canvas: the first dreadful painting of Jeremiah created under the influence of some very strong edibles covered by Susannah's masterpiece; my baby sister in the decadent dress she could hardly stand, surrounded by flowers looking perfect; Steven with the biggest grin on his face, probably pulled from the thought of Shayla; me, standing on the beach, wind in my hair, that dress- somehow Suzannah had managed the impossible of making a chaotic evening look perfect in painted form; and finally, Conrad, my blue-eyed boy, sitting in the gazebo where we had nearly kissed, hair falling perfectly and the wide smile only his mother could conjure. I traced his smile with the pad of my fingertips, Conrad used to wear that smile all the time, but this summer he was burdened with the knowledge of Suzzanah’s cancer and that dampened his mood. We all struggled through summer and promised to be there for each other, but I hadn’t spoken to Conrad in months. I did know about Susannah before the others, I couldn't help but think back to the moment he told me. 

“Thank you for coming” Cleveland’s smile was half-hearted and forced, I nodded and glanced over his shoulder to my best friend, his form scrunched up, hand in his hair. Cleveland sighed and led me over to him. 

“Con?” It was cautious, Conrad wasn't good at showing emotions, so to be like this, he must be overwhelmed. He looked up at me through glassy eyes and my heart broke, I extended a hand which he took hesitating for a second before pulling me in and burying his head in my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around him tightly and kissed his head giving him the time to come up with the words, 

“Mum’s, it’s… the cancer is back” 

The words were almost inaudible, he didn’t look up, he just loosened his grip on me for a moment, letting the words sink in. 

“Oh bug I'm so sorry”

That was all he needed, he pulled me into a crushing hug again but I held him just as tightly, Suzannah was dying and my best friend was suffering. All I could do was hug him on the dock. 

Blinking back a fresh wave of tears I drummed against the painting for a moment, composing myself, no one else was here but this was a sanctuary and I didn’t want to disturb the silence. Susannah had made me promise to always return to cousins, for this week of the year no matter what happened, and I promised her that, but at the same time, I had vowed to myself to always let his house be a place of love and light even when I was alone. Susannah was trusting me to keep her magic alive, and I wouldn't let her down. 

As the house warmed up I began my routine, dusting off the cabinets and grabbing some wood from the shed in the garden, later on as the sun set I would light a fire and flick on a film settling into the warm worn house, my home not just for the week but for always. 

After briefly surveying the cupboards I went to buy groceries, taking in the serenity of cousins. In summer it was bustling there was always something happening somewhere and everyone filled the streets. But in the fall, Cousins was mine, very few people remained, and the cold air kept them indoors, though I would walk on the beach still, exist still, and others would hide away from the cold. Cousins was still magic, just a different kind. Standing in the store I filled my basket with the essentials and a few extras to hide in people's rooms for the summer, Jere’s favourite chocolate, red vines for steven, a pack of Cheetos for belly and of course sour patch kids for Conrad. Eventually, I paid for all the groceries and loaded them back in my car heading back to the house. 

It didn’t take long to unpack everything, it was ingrained in me at this point. I built up the fire and then went around the house watering the succulents for the first time in a month. I was watering the biggest Cactus that had existed in this house since I was born, when I looked up and saw them, those blue eyes reflected back at me in the window. I put the jug down and turned for a second, half expecting the room to be empty and my mind to be playing cruel tricks on me. But there he was, my best friend, more dishevelled than usual, but a strange smile playing on his lips. 

“Con…” I didn’t move

“I needed a break from the house for a minute, mum said I would find the answers I need at the summer house.” 

Susannah had sent him? To me? I hesitated for a moment, unsure of what I should say or do but he smiled, a genuine smile, and tears rolled down his face. The offer to leave was caught in my throat and before I could force it out he finished his thought,

“I guess she has always known exactly what I need.”

I had crossed the room in a second, he pulled me off the ground and our lips met, for the first time, we were caught in the silence, united in the magic, alone together. There were no words exchanged as we broke apart, but as our foreheads met and his eyes met mine, I knew,