#kimjongdaenet

You step out of the lecture hall, your bag pulled tight as you navigate the small crowd standing in the hallway. You’re a little out of it, your head fuzzy from the monotone voice of the guest lecturer - you’ve been running on barely four hours of sleep for the past three days with all the extra patrols you’ve been assigned.

“Excuse me,” you mutter, as you push toward the front door. A small groan leaves you when you see it’s raining. Heavily.

Of all the days I take the bus…

The nearest bus stop is almost a five minute’s walk away. You can maybe make it in three if you run. Teleporting is out of the question; you’re in your civilian identity. You wedge yourself under the overhang outside, sheltering yourself with your jacket, watching as you try to think of a way home.

The rest of the students leave quickly, shrieking, laughing as they get wet on the way to their cars. A few call cabs. There are a couple others stuck under the overhang like you, but slowly, they leave, too.

You bite your lip. You could always call Jennie, but you have no idea where she is or if she’s even fit to drive. You could call Kyungsoo, but it’s past seven already and he would have tucked himself into his work by now, phone on silent.

You have a couple other friends from class, but none of them came to this lecture and you don’t want to bother them. Sighing, you pull out your phone and scroll through your contacts, searching for someone to call.

“Nope, no, no, definitely not,” you mutter as you go through names. Then your hand stills on Jongdae’s contact. Thinking.

You glance up at the sky. At the same time, thunder cracks, and far away a bolt of lightning rips through the dark, rolling clouds. The rain’s not letting up anytime soon. In fact, it seems to be getting worse.

“Might as well.” Hoping that he doesn’t hate you for calling a favor - especially when you ditched him the last time - you press the call button, holding the phone up to your ear. You worry your lip between your teeth as it rings. Once. Twice.

“Hello? Y/N?” He sounds cheerful. “I wasn’t expecting you to call.”

“Hey, Jongdae,” you say, trying to force a smile into your voice. “I, um, I actually need a favor?”

“Sure. Anything for you, babe.”

The words come out in a rush. “Okay, well, I just got out of my lecture and it’s raining and I can’t find anyone to take me home, and I’m so sorry I have to call you but I took the bus in the afternoon and now I’m-”

His laugh echoes in your ear. “Calm down, Y/N. I’m on my way. Where are you?”

You rattle off the address, relief making you sag. “Thanks so much. I owe you.”

“You owe me nothing,” he chuckles. “But if you insist, I’m always up for another date.” In the background, you hear the rattle of keys and the sound of a car. “Be there soon.”

The call ends and you tuck your phone away, breathing out a sigh of relief. It’s cold, and you drag your jacket tighter, standing right at the doors so a little bit of heat from inside the building seeps into you. You can barely see anything; it’s so dark, the lights of the buildings across the parking lot obscured by the torrent of rain.

Headlights cut through the darkness, the car slowing as it pulls up right in front of you. Jongdae hops out of the driver’s seat, holding a jacket over his head as he makes his way over to you. “Why didn’t you wait inside?” he asks, shifting the jacket so that it covers both of you as you walk to the car. He opens the door, and you melt into the comfortable heat of the interior.

“I wasn’t sure if you’d be able to see me,” you say when he slips back into his seat, tossing the jacket behind. “Besides, I was nice and dry there.” You lift your hands in front of the car’s heating vents, exhaling contentedly.

He pulls out of the lot, eyes focused ahead. “Still, you would have been warmer inside.”

“It’s fine, Jongdae,” you grin. “Thanks for coming. It really means a lot.”

“I was serious about that date, you know,” he says, brows moving up and down. “If you feel too indebted to me, I’m free right now.”

You glance at him. He’s serious.

“Okay,” you agree finally.

You’re not prepared for the blinding, full-blown grin that meets you. “How does dinner sound?”

Smiling, you relax into your seat. “Great.”

You really hadn’t expected this, but now that you’re here, you think there’s nowhere else Jongdae would have brought you. You stare at the small Korean restaurant, drinking in the comfortable lighting and small tables scattered around the front.

“Pick a seat. I’ll be right back,” he says, and gestures to the front. It hasn’t rained much here, so you pick one of the outdoor tables, small and comfortable enough for two people. Setting your bag and damp jacket on the ground next to you, you lean back and cross your arms across your stomach, watching the passerby on the street as you wait for him to come back.

Jongdae returns a minute later, hands tucked in his coat pockets. He pulls out the chair across from you, sitting down, the corners of his mouth turned up just slightly.

“Where’d you go?” you ask.

His smile widens. “To get something for later.”

You narrow your eyes teasingly. “That wasn’t an innuendo, was it?” He bursts out laughing, then shakes his head.

“Order,” he says, pushing the menu towards you.

You both pick out something to eat, then settle into a comfortable talk as you wait. “I’ve never been here before,” you say, leaning forward onto the table and nestling your head in your hands. “I mean, to this side of town.”

“This is where I used to live with my parents,” he gestures a little further down the road. “About a mile from here. I’ve visited this restaurant since I was a kid.”

“It’s really nice,” you hum, looking up at the other buildings. There are neon lights everywhere, modern artistic touches on all the shops. There’s traffic but the noise fades into the background, creating a pleasant hum of white noise. You turn to grin at him. “I see why you brought me here.”

He grins back. Eyes crinkling, cheeks turning up. It makes your heart flutter.

You both eat quickly, messily, not worrying about sauce getting down your chin or sticking to your hands. It’s good, but you’re too focused on talking to him, watching him. The way he licks his lips without noticing, the way his eyes are so dramatic, shifting every other second with some new emotion. His laugh, boisterous and loud with a smile so wide it’s blinding. The little quirks like the flitting of his fingers as he talks.

Somewhere halfway through the dinner, you’re starting to think maybe you might be falling for him.

It’s instantly sobering. You don’t have the headspace for a relationship. You haven’t ever been able to manage one, all the times you’ve tried. Even friendships leave you with enough guilt over your other life. It would be so much easier if you were just a normal person like Jongdae - not an ultra-famous superhero that had every moment of their lives out of their control.

“Hey, you have a little something there,” Jongdae pauses, gesturing at your chin. Startling you out of your thoughts. Frowning, you swipe at the spot with your thumb. “No, wait, there.” He leans over the table to wipe at it himself, the touch of his finger gentle on your skin.

You blush, looking away. Suddenly hating yourself even more, hating fate for putting such a perfect person in your life at the perfectly wrong time.

Your face must fall, because Jongdae’s grin turns into a pout. “What’s wrong? Y/N?”

You try to smile, but it feels forced even to you. “Nothing. I was just thinking.”

“About what?” He takes your sauce-slathered hands and starts to clean them off with a napkin. You squirm, but don’t pull your hands away - it’s just a simple gesture, something he does without thinking.

You sigh, wondering if you should break this off before you get in too deep. It’s only the second date. “About...us.”

“Oh yeah?” He smiles, not looking up from your hands.

“I’m...I, uh, don’t think this can work.”

His hands freeze. Still, he doesn’t meet your eyes. Finally he lets out a breath, a shift so small you barely notice it. “Let’s take a walk.”

Nodding, feeling suddenly tiny, you tuck your hands back into you and get up. You’re quiet as he pays the bill and cleans up, quiet as you start to walk beside him down the walkway. You can’t help but think you’ve shattered something, and even if you wanted to get past your fear of revealing your secret life and start something for once - it’s too late now.

He shoves his hands in his coat pockets. “So…” Where he was all smiles before, now he’s serious, pensive. “Do you want to talk about it? I understand I might have been a bit forward. That might have put you off. I thought you were okay,” he frowns. “I didn’t ask if you were. Is that why?”

You draw in a deep breath. You want to be sincere, as close to the truth as possible. “I’m,” you fumble, looking for a place to start. “I have a bad track record with relationships. Nothing’s ever worked out for me before. And, uh, I guess I’m scared?”

“So I am going too fast.”

You backtrack quickly. “I didn’t say that! I just...I meant I’m not confident about being in a relationship. I don’t know if I’d be able to do you justice.”

Your walk has brought you to a pier at the far end of the city, a wooden walkway that wraps along the dark, glistening edge of the ocean. You lean on the railing, letting the night breeze sift through your hair. Jongdae joins you wordlessly, the heat from his body spilling into you.

“To be completely honest, Y/N,” he says after a long beat of silence.  “I don’t have a great history with relationships either. I was never serious enough, I was always too focused on myself. And then one day I went and fell in love.”

You swallow. “Oh?”

He tilts his head as he stares out over the water, thinking. “She was...I’d known her for a long time. I don’t think she ever saw me even as a friend. Much less someone to love. There was no way in any world I could ever have her. But I fell in love with her nevertheless.” Jongdae sighs. “You remind me of her.”

Your heart sinks with his words and you feel the unmistakable sting of tears at your eyes. “So I’m a rebound?”

“No! I said you remind me of her. I - shit. That’s not what I meant at all.” Jongdae runs his hand through his hair in frustration. “I-”

“Stop,” you say, surprising yourself with the strength of your voice. Inside you there’s a confusing whorl of emotions, bitter confusion, wrenching heartbreak. Something inside you says it shouldn’t hurt this much, but you don’t think. “Stop, Jongdae. I get it. Clarifying it won’t help. You’ve already said what’s on your mind.”

He gapes, searching for words.

Something in you breaks and you let out a shaky breath. “Is that why you wanted to spend time with me?” Your voice is tiny now, weak, and you hate it. “Not because of me, but because I was the second best thing to someone you couldn’t have?” You shake your head at him, feeling the wetness of tears again.

“Y/N. That really wasn’t what I meant.” He looks desperate, just as confused as you as to how quickly the night had devolved into such a mess.

You hold up a hand. “It’s fine, I get it. I like you, Jongdae. You’re the first person I’ve liked, for real, in a long time. But as much as I might, I can’t push myself to try for this unless I know you want me. I can’t be here while you look at me and think of some...some other girl. You can’t make me do that.”

You take a step away from the railing, tightening your coat around you. “I’ll see you around, Jongdae,” you say quietly, and turn away.

“Y/N,” he calls after you. “Y/N. Please let me explain.”

You don’t look back, though, stalking back down the way you came, past the restaurant you’d just left, until you get to the main road and realize you don’t have a ride home.

Your phone buzzes in your pocket.

Rush, you’re on patrol tonight.

Closing your eyes, you sigh. As e, a night of roaming the streets as Rush - perfect, superhero Rush who didn’t have to worry about real life problems - would be enough to take your mind off things. You hurry into the nearest building, a department store, and meander through the aisles until you find the bathroom. Shutting yourself into a stall, you collect yourself, then teleport to the shed.

You take your time pulling on the suit, concentrating on each of the motions to keep your mind from going off on a tangent. Suit, one leg at a time, zipped up to your neck. Already you feel invincible, your heart impenetrable. Your mask makes you a completely different person. Your hair up away from your face gives you focus.

Lifting your arms from your side like wings, you blink out of the shed. Into empty, open air above the downtown. You catapult yourself forward and land on the nearest skyscraper, leaning over the edge and watching the ground below, settling yourself in for the long night ahead.

It’s well into the wee hours when you settle down on the roof of the Spire for a break. You were hungry, so you popped into a 24-hour convenience store and picked up enough snacks to feed three people. Now you sprawl out on the concrete, digging in as you lie on your back and stare up at the clouds.

You’re a dead man walking from the four straight days of patrol, but now you’re thankful for the distraction. Now you’re too tired to think about anything but going home and collapsing in bed. Still, the prickling memory of Jongdae’s rejection is fresh in your mind, pushing its way to the front whenever you close your eyes.

Of all the ways he could reject you, it just had to be like this.

You’d always been insecure about yourself. Being Rush was so much better than just being your normal self, and often you’d wished you could just be her all the time - Rush was perfect, pretty, everybody loved her. You were small, insignificant. Just like everyone else. You’d hated that ever since you’d created Rush.

For him to say he liked you not because of you, but because you reminded him of someone else: that was a whole new world of heartbreak. Once again, you weren’t enough.

You feel tears squeeze out of the corners of your eyes and let them come. You’re alone, after all. You’d managed to keep yourself from falling apart in front of him, and you’d been busy enough since then that you hadn’t thought about it, but now, all alone with the wind and your thoughts, you let yourself cry. Softly, the sounds lost in the night, as you stare up at the sky and wish things were different.

“Hey, you okay?”

You startle with a choked scream as the voice comes out of nowhere. Wiping your eyes, you scramble to your feet. “Chen! What the hell, don’t sneak up on me like that!”

He holds his hands up to ease you. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

You let out a long breath. “How long have you been here?”

“I just got here, I swear.” He shifts, not meeting your eyes. “Um, do you want to talk about it?”

You shake your head. “Not really. I just had a long day.”

He nods understandingly, sitting down on the edge of the roof and resting his chin in his hands. You sit next to him, mirroring his posture. You’re silent for a while, your eyes closed, letting the night air caress your face and calm you down.

Finally, you turn to look at him, watching his profile. “Chen?”

“Hmm?”

You cross and uncross your ankles, turning back to watch the skyline. “Why did you decide to be a supervillain and not a superhero?”

“Believe me, I wanted to be a superhero.” His voice is quiet, almost wistful. “For a long time. Ever since I came into my powers. I chose a name, I made a suit, I started going around trying to help people.”

You’re quiet as he continues. “I was just a kid, though. I didn’t know what I was doing. All I wanted was to be a hero, for people to love me. To use my powers to be more than I was.” He shakes his head. “I idolized all the other heroes, I had posters of them up in my room. I read every news story about their incredible escapes, watched every interview on TV, everything. I was starting to be talked about. I thought, this is it, this is what I want. But then…” he trails off.

“Then?”

“Is it hard?” he turns to you. “Is it hard, having people depend on you?”

“Always,” you say, meaning it. “I mean, I don’t think about it all the time, but when I look at all of them, how they love me, it’s crushing, sometimes. Is that...is that why you didn’t want it? Because of the expectations?”

He hums, leaning back on his hands. “In a way. I saw how much it took a toll on them. The other heroes, I mean. They do something right, and the world worships them, but they do something wrong and they’re hated. Once, I tried to,” he pauses, struggling for words, “I tried to help someone. There was a factory accident, and he’d been trapped in the machinery. I - I probably wasn’t the best person to help. I tried to get him out, and, well, the machine was metal. My power went straight through it and into him and stopped his heart.

“They hated me. They told me I was wicked and I only wanted to hurt them. I beat myself up over it for months - telling myself that he would have died anyway, that I didn’t kill him, that I couldn’t be evil. I didn’t want to be evil.”

He inhales shakily, fingers clenched tight into fists. “That made me realize I couldn’t be a hero either. I would rather be hated than have the love of a people that could change their mind at any moment. I’d have to be perfect all the time. I’d have to keep trying to make them love me. I couldn’t have taken it.”

“I understand,” you say gently. And you get it. You think of all the times people have changed their mind about you because of one small accident, one bad news story, one failure. You think about how fickle they are. How sometimes you thought their love wasn’t worth anything at all.

“That’s why I’m a villain,” he finishes. “I’ll always be a villain.”

You shake your head vehemently. “That’s not true.” You set your hand on his shoulder, looking at the visor of his helmet and trying to see through to his eyes. “You’re a hero to me.”

“I ruin everything, Rush, I -” He brings a hand to his head like he’s trying to run his fingers through his hair.

“You don’t,” you say firmly. “I know we’re supposed to be arch enemies, Chen. But I think that was never meant to be. You’re a good friend, and I’m glad I know you.”

When he speaks, your grin at the sound of a smile in his voice. “Thanks, Rush.”

“Welcome.”

You look over the skyline in comfortable silence, watching the sun come up on another day.