#jongdae angst

It had been a long time since Jongdae had been this hollow, a cavern carved out of his chest, the inflamed tissue now a home for despair rather than a heart. 

He had only himself to blame. Jongdae did not shy away from admitting his wrongs. The least he could do was admit them and leave behind any self-pity festering in his broken heart like an infection. 

Instead he did what he knew how to do best; he spilled all his sorrows and apologies as ink onto paper. 

Ironically, that ability, this dysfunctional coping mechanism, was the very reason he was in the predicament in the first place.

Your love for me was like an inkwell; never drying

And I, 

I was like a pen,

Which drew from you forever.

I did not notice,

How you dried up in silence,

Blinded by the illusion of your infinity.

Sometimes the best things in your life; the best people, leave. Sometimes you leave them. It is all a vicious cycle of life. A part of life he had recently became intimate with. Nothing lasts forever. All is finite. All good things must come to an end. 

Still Jongdae’s biggest regret of all, was the fact you didn’t have to be finite. 

If only he had paid more attention to you, instead of drowning in ink and pretty words, he could have continued on. With you by his side.

He had left the building of his publishing company, glancing up at the sky. The heavens were heavy this morning, overcast with clouds so dark and looming day had taken on the look of night. There was no rain yet, but Jongdae was sure that at some point the clouds would be unable to hold their weight, and the rain would come in a violent storm. Like any other summer.

The inkwell is empty and when the pen immerses

It comes back dry,

Leaving the words I wanted to write,

To remain a whim.

The ride back to his apartment was quiet, the sky still ominous, but Jongdae knew that the calmness, and the stillness were bad omens. The calm before the storm. The only question that bugged him was when the sky would open, pouring its tears onto the ground from the sky in a hail of bullets. 

He wondered how loud the heavens would roar as it happened. Would it feel as if the windows were shaking? Would he be able to feel it in his bones, despite tucking himself away in his apartment? 

Would it shake him the same way you leaving him did?

He doubted that- nature didn’t have the same kind of power. A storm was not a woman; although it was eerily similar in its magnitude.

He flicked through the anthology, finally taking the time to appreciate the work and effort put into its creation. The cream coloured pages stared at him with hundreds of ink eyes.  Their looks were accusing, and among the black letters, he saw you. Your eyes, clear and sparkling in the way they looked at you, your smile bright. He reminisced the adoration with which he looked at you those the last few years, eyes wide and sparkling at everything you did. The corners of his lips quirked upwards in a cat-like smile at the happy memories.

Finally, after the present settled over him again, pulling him out of the happy daydream, his smile fell, and the light feeling in his chest, and the way his heart beat a little faster at the memory of your soft lips against his left him too. It left him cold and aching despite being hidden away safely within his home, His heart nestled safely in in his chest, protected by the cage of his ribs.

Light brown eyes moved to look out the window, the world outside brightened by flashes of lightning. On the table before him, the vase of red tulips was wilting, the petals falling gracelessly against the windowsill, no longer their vibrant red, but rather a burgundy colour fading into brown.

Like flowers on the windowsill,

I forgot that unlike the ones growing wild in meadows,

The rain shall not come water you,

And that dew shall not condense on you like the pearls, 

Which I never gave you.

You sat in your old room, surveying its blank walls. When you moved out, your parents took down all the posters, and drawings you stuck on the pastel green paint. It was the decision you made at thirteen, and the decision you cursed all your Uni years. A decision you had accepted over time. Now you found the colour soothing and familiar, and in a world where you were always moving, you were glad for the little comfort it brought you. It was still your room. 

Now, with the turn of events, you moved back, and you were ready to reclaim your space; the tubes and frames at your feet were the beginning. 

One photo was staring at you, of you, a little younger, smiling along with the man beside you. You were in a meadow filled with wild flowers you had frequented with you mother when you were little. You remembered the raspberry bushes you used to pick fruit from, and you remember making flower crowns from the chamomile growing there. 

You had taken that man there. Showed him all your favourite things; the meadow, the raspberry bushes, the sketchbook filled with gouache paintings. He showed you the ink splattered notebooks and the small coffee shop at the end of the street. 

But the sunny days were over. The storm raged outside, thunder clashing in the darkness. And the raspberry bushes were gone too, and concrete blocks had taken their place. 

And the man no longer showed you the world with ink stained fingers either.

But he had not showed you anything for a long time now, even before you left your shared apartment. So you left him. It had felt like he had left you a long time before you did. 

Your mother’s voice broke you from your musings, and you left your room surprised to see her standing in the corridor with a brown package. She handed it to you wordlessly and disappeared into the kitchen. The look she gave you was piercing, and there was a certain amount of concern floating behind her soft eyes. You tightened the grip on the flimsy paper that wrapped around the object, and you could already feel that it was book.

For a moment you didn’t understand why it came; you certainly didn’t order one, but the look in your mothers eyes was enough to tell you who it was from.

“So he did finish.” You murmured, hands tearing at the paper in desperation, giving way to the soft green of the cover.

 Flowers in April

The golden lettering was delicate and beautiful, and you wondered why he mailed it to you. You were no longer together. You walked out months ago. You were moving on.

Opening the book, your attention was caught by the handwritten note on the front page, the black pen standing in stark contrast against the off-white paper.

 “To my muse.

I thought it would only be fair to give this to you, after all you had suffered because of it. You should at least know why you were suffering.

I’m sorry for all my shortcomings.

-      Jongdae”

 Your eyes followed the trail of the pen, his handwriting familiar from the little notes he used to leave for you, and the shopping lists that were stuck to your fridge.

The ache of your heart was familiar too, familiar from all the nights he ignored you, and every time you sat at the dinner table alone with only the tv to keep you company. The heart in your chest ached for your loneliness, but it also ached for the home that was long gone, the home you did not wish to return to and the man who occupied it now. This time, he was the one eating dinner at the empty table, sleeping in bed alone and you had no pity for him left.

But you are not a flower, 

You were a woman.

You are a woman.

And I, 

was not a pen,

But a man.

Jongdae listened to the thunder raging outside, shaking his windows, turning his day into night with anger. 

That was one of the ways You and the storm were different. You did not shout, you were not like the storm, shaking the windows in their frames and destroying things in the wake of your rage. You had left quietly, given back the keys to your shared home, and before he could protest, make an excuse for his absence, you had left without a word, leaving no trace behind but the cracks in his heart. 

7 months ago

You came back from work, ready to order takeaway and watch films with your boyfriend. The weariness in your bones weighed you down as you made your way up the stairs, wanting nothing more than to climb under a blanket in the living room, wrapped in Jongdae’s arms. 

The door opened, and you caught the sight of him at the kitchen counter, his phone in hand, calling someone. 

“Jongdae, do you want pizza?” You asked, looking up at the leaflet you had stuck on the fridge. You turned to face him, weariness leaving your bones at the hope of spending the evening in peace. The lightness does not last long, and he crushes it in his hands, unknowingly, without a thought.

“I’m busy.” The words leave you heavy. You know them too well now it seems. Jongdae had been like this for a while, more preoccupied with phone calls and writing than sparing you a moment. Just like you, he seems tired, but for a different reason. One you do not know, and one is not willing to share. 

“What about watching a film later?” You try again, hoping. Being foolish. Deep down you know the answer already, feel the rejection before it comes. Your heart has been breaking recently. The cracks started growing deeper, and you don’t know how to mend them.

“I don’t know.” He tells you, his soft voice cold and indifferent, eyes not looking at you when he speaks, and with another crack, you realise he hadn’t looked at you since you arrived.

PRESENT 

You had walked out of your office, your hands now empty as you left your portfolio and necessary documents with the client. You had finalised the designs this week and everything was ready for editing. 

You were given the task of illustrating a reprint of a popular book series recently, and you had been very proud of your work. So far it was one of the biggest projects you have done. It seemed you were riding the lucky wave. Your boss had given you a slight raise as you moved to a better position at the company. This project had been a success, and the company was contracted for another project, and the clients had requested you. 

It was time to celebrate. 

You had invited your friends out for a few drinks later that night. 

The bar had a chic vibe to it. Everything was made of sleek wood and toned down colours, coupled with the dim lighting and pretty chandeliers, it was a perfect place for you to unwind and gloat your success. You didn’t get to do it every day. 

You were sipping on you third cocktail, your three friends laughing at some work gossip. It had been a pleasant night so far. That is, until you caught the eyes of Jongdae’s publisher. The woman had averted her eyes when she saw you looking, but you could still make out the displeased look on her face, and the sour curl of her red lips. 

The black dress she was wearing was fancy. Fancier than what you wore, but it did not bother you. not until your eyes found the one person you hoped not to see that night. 

It was not that you hated him. It was not that you loathed him. It was that you resented him. For how he had treated you; spent the last months of your relationship ignoring you. As if you didn’t live right there with him. As if you didn’t share his bed. As if you were not irrevocably in love with him. 

Your heart broke all over again, seeing him here, with the beautiful woman opposite him, when he had said he was too busy to come here with you. 

His eyes caught yours. Their soft brown drawing you in with their warmth. He was still familiar, he still looked too much like home to you. And in your slightly intoxicated state, you saw the regret and remorse bubbling behind the kaleidoscope of browns in his irises. Or maybe you just wished to see it. 

You didn’t want to find out. 

“He’s here.” You turned to your friends, and the moment they realised who you were talking about, they had made their way to the bar.

“Can we get a tequila?” Your friend asked, bringing over a whole bottle of the alcohol, along with four shot glasses.

“What’s that for?” You asked, surveying the glass wearily.

“For the fun of it.” She told you, the cheeky smile that formed on her lips matched the flame in her eyes.

“You are beautiful. Never forget that.” She told you as you took your first shot.

Only when I had lost you, I realised 

That you, like an inkwell

Needed to be filled.

And like a flower,

Needed to be watered;

With words of love,

Looks of awe,

With warmth.

6 months ago

“I’m eating with the editors.” Jongdae told you as he fixed his tie in the hallway mirror, barely sparing you a glance into the kitchen. You had spent the last hour making his favourite, hoping against hope he would stay for dinner. Turned out you were trying in vain.

“I thought we could eat together.” You told him, your voice small, barely above a whisper as the hope fuelled elation left your body.

“Not today.” Jongdae said, his voice softer, sounding resigned as his shoulders hunched a little. He had been feeling tired lately, bored. For now, he wanted to leave. Get out of the familiar four walls, breathe in some fresh air.

Dinner with the editors was a good reason to leave. Besides, he was in the process of writing his third anthology, and it was an important meeting he had to attend. Jongdae needed everything to go smoothly.

His hands fell to his sides when he stopped fixing his tie, and you barely heard the quiet goodbye that left his lips. Or maybe you just imagined he said it. Lately, you couldn’t figure out which it was.

Tears burned the back of your eyes, but you didn’t let any spill. Outside, Jongdae had put his head in his hands breathing deeply, before getting in the car and driving away.

You felt him climb into bed late in the night, but he never moved closer. He used to brush your hair back and kiss your forehead before falling asleep, but now he stayed far away, and you had been colder in your bed with him than you would feel with a stranger. 

And your heart broke.

PRESENT

Jongdae found your form in between the tables, eyes glued to the side of your face, feeling more like a spectre than a man. His heart roared in his chest, beating against his ribs the way an animal beat at the bars of their cage. The way it had not done in months. For a moment, the moment that lasted a split second when your eyes met, he felt more alive than the last few months. 

His anthology had been a success, and he had come in to celebrate that. Still, the biggest celebration, better than wine and better than gin, was the sight of you. 

His publisher had seen it, the way his eyes fell on you, again and again. Jongdae, for the life of him, could not understand the way her lips curled when she caught your eyes. He was too preoccupied with stealing glances your way to pay attention to her. 

Everything about you called to him, reminding him of his love for you. Reviving the passion you had shared, setting his whole body aflame. The sight of you flowed over him like water, cold and refreshing. He was awake. For the first time in forever he felt lucid. 

“Well done Jongdae. Your anthology had just become a bestseller.” His publisher told him, reaching over the table to hold his hand. He brought it back instantly as if it burned. 

Over the course of the last months he had figured out what he done wrong. He had admitted his shortcomings. And he had promised himself to be better, for you. He was not going to ruin it tonight. 

Sitting among your friends, you were glowing. Dressed in your best dress, eyes sparkling as laughter bubbled from your chest. It was a warming sight, like watching flowers unravelling in the spring. And his heart wretched when he realised, he wasn’t the reason for your joy any longer.

Now, you, like a wildflower,

Are experiencing spring again,

After a harsh winter.

You are spreading your petals,

And green leaves.

And I, like a fool,

Stare at the empty windowsill,

Not seeing you.

I cannot water you anymore,

And pearls, like dew

I cannot give you.

He watched you stand up and make your way to the exit, and without a moment of hesitation, he was out of his chair too, making a bee line to you, heart pounding at the idea of you. 

He caught you by the elbow as you turned away from the bar.

“Jongdae.” You warned him, voice low as you stared right into his eyes. Jongdae’s eyes were soft when he looked at you, and you could make out their glassy sheen of tears in the darkness.

“I know what I did wrong.” He told you, sincerity lacing his voice, thick with remorse and deeper than usual. You could feel the desperation rolling off of him like waves.

He was wearing a nice suit today. A deep grey with a bluish tinge, and a white button up underneath. His fringe was parted, exposing his forehead and the straight brows that furrowed as he looked into your eyes, searching for something. Whatever it was; forgiveness or hate, he didn’t find it.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered.

“That is how I find out?” You spat. He knew you were talking about the anthology. 

“You didn’t call.” You accuse him, poking a finger against his chest, and he lets you.

“I wrote it.” He tells you, silently begging for you to understand. But you won’t. Not this time. You had told him already; tell me what happened, tell me why you didn’t talk to me. 

Instead, he wrote an anthology, spilling all of it on paper. Just like he always did. Just like you suspected he always would. And you had grown tired of that. He spilled all his emotions onto paper, dressed hem up in pretty words and rhymes. Devoted his time into doing so. By doing that he left you alone, and as he spilled all the love he had for you somewhere else, you were left to give him your love. Over the last months of yoir relationship, all the little acts of love had ceased to exist. There was no notes left on the fridge, there was no flowers on the vase on the table.

“You did.” You tell him, disappointment rolling off your tongue, leaving a bitter taste in your mouth. 

The whole world now knew you broke his heart. The whole world knew you left him without a word. But did the world know how he had left you, months before you left him? How you had sat at dinner alone and slept alone. Did they know that? Did Jongdae tell them that? Did he write about his faults? 

You didn’t know, and you didn’t know if you wanted to find out.

“Y/N.” He starts, but there is nothing that comes out of his mouth, and you shake your head. Desperately wanting him to understand. Because despite everything, you still love him, but you cannot live like this, like a stranger that shares his bed at night.

“I don’t think you figured it out quite yet.” You tell him when he stays silent, not knowing what to say. You find it amusing. A poet lost for words.

“I didn’t pay attention.” He confesses, looking defeated.

“I locked myself away and tried to run from you.” He tells you, walking closer, his wide eyes looking straight into your own.

“I was too proud to say something was wrong. Too proud to admit that I was doing something wrong.” He admitted, hands balled into fists. For a moment he averts his gaze, looking everywhere but you, before bringing it back to you, eyes red with unshed tears, shoulders shaking with frustration.

“I wasn’t sincere. I should have told you then, that I love you, instead of keeping it to myself. I thought you knew, but no one can read minds.”

“I’m sorry.” He tells you, and you know he is apologising for his actions. All but the writing. You could see the ink stains on his fingers even now. You had accepted him writing, locking himself up for a week and coming out a dying man. You have accepted that. But you have not accepted the way he treated you then, and you were not going to accept ever again.

“I’m not ready to accept your apology.” You tell him, voice even, and you seem calm as he looks at you with the hopeful spark fading from his eyes.

“Why didn’t you just,” You begin, searching for the right words, “Why didn’t you tell me then?” You finally ask, referring to the poems in the anthology. Love poems- all directed at you, written from the very beginning of your relationship.

“I didn’t know how.” He admits, wrapping his arms around you, burying his nose in your hair.

“You should have done this earlier.” You tell him, hugging him back, feeling like you have come back home for the first time in months.

“I know.” He whispers, caressing your hair, bringing you closer by the shoulders, until he envelops you.

“I know.” He mumbles again, and you listen to his heart beating out of his chest.

You move away, letting him go, before giving him one last look.

“I’m glad you know. Goodbye Jongdae.” You tell him, your voice soft, without any hint of malice. You seem content. You feel content. This was you leaving on your own terms. You loved him. of course you loved him. Sometimes though, you think, love is not enough. It does not keep you warm at night, or less lonely. Sometimes love is not given equally as it should. So you leave, walk away without turning back, knowing now where it was that he had spilled all his love- into words. You thought, that maybe, just maybe- Jongdae loved his words more than he loved you.

Jongdae followed your retreating figure walking back to your friends, glowing like the sun. As he was left in the dark night outside the bar, alone.

I’ve lost my privilege to love you

I can only apologize to you,

For being winter,

When I should have been endless spring;

How you were, 

My infinite happiness.

Jongdae looks at you from the distance and he freezes. You realize what probably shocked him and you want to laugh, but you just can’t. You can’t move actually. You want to run, to go away, to disappear. But your body isn’t responding.

It’s been two years. Two years since you broke up, and you haven’t talk to him. Not even once, not a text, not a phone call, not even a reaction in your Instagram stories. Anything. To be fair that was easy because he blocked you from every social media he could. It’s OK, you actually asked him to do it. You thought it would be easier that way.

Silly you.

You watch as he gets closer to you, hesitating at every step. You see everything in slow motion and you hear a shy “Hi” coming out of his lips, but you can’t think properly. You finally react when he speaks again, louder this time.

“Can I hug you?”

You raise your head to look at him. He looks handsome, his hair shorter and his eyes more tired that you were used to. But still so, so handsome.

You nod and try not to cry when his arms embrace you. It’s an awkward hug, you realize he’s tense around you, and you remember your first thought when you saw him freezing earlier.

Exactly. He’s looking at the baby sleeping in the pram in front of you.

He smiles as you know he does when he wants to be polite. But his eyes are something else. An expression you can’t totally read right now. Affection, but distance at the same time. He’s unsure of what to say and you see him shyer than before.

“Is- Is she your-”

“No, no… She’s my niece.” And you can’t keep talking because a nervous laughter escapes your mouth and you want to die.

“Oh” he sounds surprised. “Oh!” he lets out again, this time with a little chuckle of relieve. “She looks just like her mother.”

You know it’s true. And you know he feels like an idiot for not saying anything else. You want to tell him everything about her, how proud she makes you, and how much you love her. And you also want to tell him how much you miss him. But you feel so nervous that your mouth opens to say something even worse. You can’t help the words coming out of your mouth and you regret them instantly.

“My Sundays are not the same without you.”

You feel paralyzed, and yet he starts talking immediately. He answers you confidently, but with hurt clear in his voice.

“You know we both agreed on this. We knew it would be hard, and of course we miss each other. But you wanted this.”

You just hear him talk and it almost sounds like he had the speech prepared, and you wonder if he ever had this same debate with himself.

He probably did.

He keeps talking and you can’t think straight. He, on the other hand, seems more confident about what he’s saying and all the shyness is leaving his gaze. “You even made me block you from every social media platform!” 

You sigh. As if that would stop you from thinking about him. As if that would prevent you from asking your friends about his life. You really wish you could block your feelings. Stop missing him, stop wanting him so bad.

You wish you could say that. You wish you could say so many things. I thought it would be easier, for starter.

I wish you could understand me.

I still think about you every day.

I still love you.

But you know that won’t help. Even though he probably loves you too. Because what you had was so deep, so extreme, that you’re sure you both will never be able to love so much again. You’ll never feel as loved and wanted as you did when you were around him. 

You remember how everything felt perfect if you were together. 

The thing is, everything was extreme between you two.

“You are right” you pant, finally, and you wonder how long you were immerse in your own thoughts and memories. “We both agreed on this.” You try to sound as calmed as you can as you keep talking. “Things were not working out, Jongdae”

“We argued almost every day.” Is all he can answer. This time you know it’s not a speech. This time the feelings are real. And now, just like you, he looks unsure and upset. He’s looking at the floor and you think that he’s probably regretting so many things as well.

“We did. It was not healthy.” You stop talking because you really don’t want to remember all the arguments and fights. They still hurt you and it was obviously affecting him too.

His hand moves to the back of his head and he takes a deep breath while playing with his hair. At that moment you hear your niece starting to cry, and you take her in your arms.

“I know princess. It’s starting to get cold, we should take you home to mommy.” And just like that you smile at him, reaching over to give him one last awkward hug.

Jongdae doesn’t say anything. He just looks at you as you walk away, humming a soft song to the baby.

You knew he probably has doubts as well. And even if you try really hard not to think about it, even if you know you have to move on, deep inside you think you can’t do it. You know you miss him and you feel no one would ever love you the way he did.

You feel dizzy and stop your walk, trying to make your mind one last time.

One final decision.

You take a deep breath, and feeling brave, you turn your head to look behind you.

He’s not there.

Of course he’s not.

You grab your niece tighter, closer to you, as all the tears you’ve been holding finally come out.

You saw in slow motion Hyejin’s pram toppling over. Hyejin falling outside. Yours and OO’s sweet daughter. Hyejin, only barely 10 months old. There was no noise in your ears. Not even the sound of your heartbeat. Just that sickening ‘thud!’ as Hyejin landed on the sidewalk outside the pram.

And then… the world resumes.

Hyejin began to cry. You hear someone cry. A few hours later, you realize that that someone was you.

You don’t remember anything else during that time. Someone may have taken a video, or a picture. You didn’t know. All you could remember in your head was a blank white canvas with dark scribbled words of panic.

‘hyejinshouldn’tbethereohmygodissheokayisshesafePLEASEGODLETHERBEOKAY –‘

You remember picking up your crying daughter and holding her close to you to your body. You remember that sudden moment of clarity that you probably should not move her too much in case there were any injuries. But you remember that you needed to get out of that circle fast. So, you pushed some of them roughly and broke the circle, and you find yourself not caring if they were surprised or angry or if they want to follow you. All you know is that you are walking as fast as you can while trying to keep Hyejin stationary.

At some point, you remember walking all the way to the nearest hospital. You remember thinking that you cannot risk calling an ambulance and staying put in one place with them maybe following you.

You remember calling Jongdae as soon as you manage to quiet Hyejin down and had the doctors look at her.

You remember his voice. It was bright.

“Jagi!”

Then it turned worried.

“Sweetheart… what’s wrong?”

Then, you remember your voice. It was small, hiccup-y. And it was scared.

“Dae, come down. It’s Hyejin.”

--

Jongdae is a man who worries quietly, but on that day when he burst to see you in the hospital, his worry was deafeningly obvious on his face.

“What happened?”

It’s your fault. You should have been more careful. You should have never dared to come out just like that. You should have known. You should have known.

Amidst your hiccupping, you managed to tell him your story. That you were cornered…  but you should have known not to come out like that. You were pushed – it’s your fault that Hyejin is hurt – and you bumped into Hyejin’s pram – it’s your fault – and Hyejin was knocked out of there – it’s all your fault – and you brought her as soon as possible to the hospital – oh god, your daughter is in there because of you –.  

And there you two stood, and you watched Jongdae’s warm eyes gradually darken at your each word. His eyes, normally a warm and welcoming chocolate were now dark and cold, bitter and almost black. Then Jongdae heard his phone ping twice. One message from Baekhyun, another from his manager.

Both asking if you are okay, both with links to social media accounts where he watched in agony at the video of his wife hysterically crying while running away from the crowd, and he heard his daughter’s cries of pain. And he felt his heart twist in the most painful way he has ever known. And he wondered how things have gone this wrong.

At that time, you thought you saw something snap inside Jongdae.

Ten minutes later, you were called in to the doctor’s office. Hyejin is fine and is considered very lucky to come out of the fall with minor injuries. She has no concussions, but her left arm is fractured. You are advised to not move her left arm so much when you get home, but also ‘we would like to keep her for a night here, just to be on the safe side’.  

“Will there be effects when she grows up?”

“It’s too early to know, but you should bring her for checkups when she grows up, just to see,” the doctor replied kindly.

You and Jongdae stayed with Hyejin all night. Sometimes you see Jongdae come out of the room to take a few calls and make a few more on his own. But he never left you.

At some point, you asked him.

“Dae, are you okay?”

The smile he gave you is soft, and his kiss on your forehead is reassuring.

“I am. Don’t you worry about anything.”

He promised you and held your hand.

A day later, you and Jongdae took Hyejin home. That night, he told you of his plans. You heavily objected to his plans, almost to the point of crying, because it’s unfair how he should compromise one love of his for another.

“Dae, I know you know what you’re doing, but you also know your decision… i-it’s going to be widely misunderstood! You know they won’t let you explain so easily, and if you do get to explain, you know how they’ll twist your words!”

But Jongdae held you and reassured that it’s going to be okay. That HE’S going to be okay.

“I trust them. I trust my friends.”

There he is, so loving and so trustful of the people he holds dear. You don’t know if that’s kindness, or stupidity.

The next morning, you cried but you held his hand and said you will support him in whatever he does.

A week after that, in a move that proved historical and controversial in the idol industry, Jongdae filed lawsuits against his own fansite masters.

--

People have heard of idols and their representatives threatening legal action on separate companies. They might have also heard of companies protecting their artist by threatening legal action against slandering rumors or malicious commenters.

But in an unprecedented move, one that certainly got tongues wagging and people discussing, EXO’s Chen became the first idol to have threatened a lawsuit against his own fansite masters, against his own fans as far as readers are concerned.

Eight people were charged; four were fansite masters specifically for him and two for EXO, and two were photographers from the media. The charges; harassment, stalking and potential endangerment of a minor. All were identified as being directly involved in the scuffle that led to Hyejin’s injuries last week

In a matter of a day, Jongdae’s decision to file the lawsuit proved controversial and misunderstood. In an industry that heavily involves fan interactions, negative interactions like these are unheard of and are seen as signs of ungratefulness. Never mind the fact that four years ago, he had made the rare move of announcing his relationship, now him suing his own fansite masters again brought the discussion of ungratefulness to his fans and criticism for bringing in his personal life into his professional one.

Reactions were greatly negative the first few moments of Jongdae announcing the lawsuit, and greatly exacerbated by the media. His decision was nitpicked from every aspect.

There were the people charged who spread slander about him and his decision, they also started discussions about how Jongdae has changed and that he has brought too much of his personal life into his professional one. A lot of rumors about how he has turned his back against all his fans spread through social media.

From the media outlets’ perspective, they brought up the fact that he is enforcing a monetary penalty on them, which seemed odd. That got the people talking about unfairness, about how most of his money came from his fans, yet he would disregard that when he decided to monetarily penalize his own fans.

On the Internet, his name is dragged through the mud. People wrote that his true colors are revealed. How he views his fans were questioned.

‘All the fangirls are clearly delusional; don’t you see you’re only cash pigs to him.’

‘Liar.’

‘Leave if you don’t like to be an idol, sheesh. You can’t have the best of both worlds.’

‘EXO’s getting dragged through the mud is his fault, he should leave.’  

‘Ever since he met her, he’s changed so much.’

‘He should leave’

‘He’s changed! He’s getting so arrogant, first announcing his girlfriend and the baby, then this?!’

‘It’s her fault.’

‘He’s gotten so arrogant, I don’t remember supporting someone so arrogant!’

‘He doesn’t care about his fans.’

‘Leave!’

You wanted so badly to scream at how wrong they were. That the EXO’s Chen that they see on the stage is not a fake persona, is not a mask, but it is a real extension of the man that is Kim Jongdae. He loves his family and his brothers as Kim Jongdae and he loves EXO-L as Kim Jongdae too, and you don’t understand why these two things must be so mutually exclusive.

Here is a man, who – for as long as you knew him – never talks about you or your child during his professional shows because that would be rude to his fans and who talks of them like his friends even behind closed doors. Here is a man who had the option and was actually urged to keep your relationship quiet but decided to challenge his own company to let him tell only EXO-Ls first only, not because of any ulterior motive but simply because he doesn’t want them to see him as EXO’s Chen, some unapproachable idol but just as simple human Kim Jongdae, a friend.  

And you see netizens and media questioning him on this and that is what you fear would hurt him most. More than the speculations of his motives, more than the news analysis, you feared that he would get hurt because he loves too much, and he loves too deeply.

His members, supportive and understanding as they were, could not go against the authorities of their company when they brought their decision on Jongdae. Baekhyun and Junmyeon and their managers tried reasoning with the higher-ups, tried to make them see how vital Jongdae is, if not to them as a family, then to EXO’s sound as a group. How would you be able to isolate Chen, their vocal backbone for so many years, and not expect any drastic change in their musical direction? But the authorities have spoken.

Jongdae is to be put on probation, and if him proceeding with his intention shows more harm than growth to EXO, the company and public perception of them, then he will be considered a liability and his contract terminated.

You know how sasaengs posing as fansites has strained idol-fan relationships, and you know that not all fansites are like that. You know that Jongdae and EXO has had this problem for as long as since they debuted. But you also know that this lawsuit would have never happened if it was him who got hurt. You know he filed this lawsuit to protect you and your daughter. And look at what it cost him.

For you and for your daughter, he is willing to take the risk of possibly losing his dream and all that he has worked for.

That night, it was quiet. The storm has quietened down for a while and people are asleep. Jongdae should be asleep too, he’s going to have a press conference tomorrow where he promises to try to answer all questions about his decisions, but at that time, you catch him standing beside Hyejin, stroking her cheeks softly as she slept. Without any thought, you hugged him, and you hugged him with all your might, with everything that you feel inside.

You hugged him with all the guilt you feel that he wouldn’t have had to choose if you and Hyejin weren’t in the public picture, if he hadn’t loved his fans like he did… if he hadn’t loved you or your daughter like he did.

You hugged him with all your bottled uncertainty for the future, if it really came down that his contract would be terminated, if there really was no coming back from this, if he really had to leave EXO for his family.

You hugged him because you feel sorry that he loves too deeply, and he trusts so much in the good of the ones he loves, but also you hugged him because you feel thankful that he is how he is, because you are thankful that you are loved by him.

“Are you scared, Dae?” you whispered to his back.

You felt him turn around and then you felt his lips on your forehead. When you looked up at him, he is smiling.

“Yeah… and no.”

It’s quiet outside.

“I’m scared but I’m also brave…does that make sense?” he chuckled sheepishly.

“I’m scared, sure, but then there’s you…” he said and then he cocked his head to the cot, where sweet Hyejin is sleeping without a care in world, almost as if her father hadn’t been dragged through the mud for her.

In her sleep, her face makes him forget all that he will face tomorrow. Jongdae can’t help but smile at that.

“…and there’s Hyejin too, and I feel like everything will be alright.”

“Do you regret it? This would have been much easier on you i-if we… stayed quiet from the start,” you murmured quietly.

Jongdae was quiet for a while. Over from the corner of your eyes, you see him purse his lips.

“Easier, yes. But not right.”

“It’s unfair on you and it’s unfair on Hyejin too. I knew, at some point, that what we have… it’s something that I want to continue. And I don’t want to carry on having to pretend like I don’t know you in public. And I don’t want our children to grow up hidden, with their father pretending like he doesn’t know them,” he began as he held you beside him in one arm, while playing with Hyejin’s cheeks with his other hand. You watched in wonder as your daughter, probably sensing her father, turned to snuggle into Jongdae’s hands.

“It’s unfair to them too, to the fans. Because they’ve been with us EXO for all those years, and they want to be closer to us, as we do with them. But to keep giving them the polished, pre-packaged version of EXO’s Chen after all these years, that would be a lie. They have been with us through thick and thin… and I at least owe them to be truthful as me, as Kim Jongdae in all my interactions with them. Not that Chen is a lie, it’s a part of me, but only PART of me. And with all those years of them supporting us, I want to share a little bit more of the parts the makes me Kim Jongdae. And those parts are… that I love you, I have a daughter and I love her too, and I will do whatever it takes to protect both of you.”

To this, he looked at you and smiled.

“Don’t worry, almost all of them are good. It’s the negative ones that’s the loudest.”

He said this as if he’s wasn’t just nitpicked from all across the media, given death threats and received thousands of comments saying he should give up his dream of singing, as if he wasn’t just branded a liability by the company he helped grow with his voice.

At that, you can’t help but stare in wonder at this. He may not be one for declarations of love over rooftops, but the things he does for the people he loves, how much consideration he gives them, it is something that cannot be unrivaled.

In that quiet night, when all were asleep but the two of you, your hand found his and you held it tight.

In your heart that is no longer uneasy, you thought that everyone who is loved by him truly are very lucky.

--

The next day Jongdae walked into a room full of reporters and camera flash assaulting his face and he sat down in front of them with steely determination. And then, the questioning began, and he found that he had nothing to hide.

One reporter asked him what the basis of the lawsuits were. That is easy, they were directly involved in stalking and harassing his wife and daughter, and even took videos and pictures during a time of distress when his daughter fell from the pram. Besides that, this is not an isolated incident as the people who were identified have always stalked and harassed him and his family, camping outside his home and also outside the hospital when Hyejin was born and creating disturbance everywhere.

“Simply put, the media outlet has no excuse for such an invasion of privacy, and the fansite masters are simply sasaengs posing as fans,” Jongdae said calmly. It’s hard for any of them to retort when he said it so straightforwardly without sounding mean.

Another asked him what kind of message it is that he wished to send with these lawsuits. That is also very simple, to respect his wishes to give his wife and daughter privacy. He does not want to police interactions between his family and his fans, in fact he thought that most of EXO-Ls as his friends that he’s excited for them to meet his family. It’s the small minority that doesn’t do that respectfully that he wanted to give a strong warning. He does not want his daughter to grow up with strangers pointing their cameras at her without her consent, or camping in her school in the future, or for her to be scared to make friends.

He wants them to view his family as humans too, instead of linked products to EXO’s Chen and by default have human rights to privacy.

“There seems to be talk of where to cross the line between your professional life and your personal one. At the end of the day, having to deal with unruly fans could be said to be what comes with the job of being an idol, and it comes with the high pay of your job. With you suddenly suing the source of your professional income because of your personal life, wouldn’t you say this is being unprofessional?” a reporter chimed in after Jongdae finished his previous answer.

There was suddenly a murmur as Jongdae took his time to think of his answer.

“In my opinion, the line to draw between my professional life and my personal life differ between how each fan perceive their idol. For me personally, I would rather my EXO-Ls think of me as a friend because after years of their support, I do not think of them as my fans but rather my friends. That is why 4 years ago, I shared news of my relationship and then this year of my daughter only to them. It’s because I view them not as my source of income, but as friends who has been with me and my members for so long, and they deserve to know more about me as Kim Jongdae, the man instead of just as Chen, the idol,” he began slowly.

“That’s why I would rather them think of me as human, instead of an idol the product. But I understand that to each their own preference. I understand that some might prefer to view me only as a performer who they paid their hard-earned money to see, and I respect that. Those views, however, still does not change the fact that, the product here is me. It is not my wife and it is certainly not my newborn daughter, who did not choose to be born to an idol father.”

A round of murmur began to resound in the room. Jongdae continued.

“Regardless if you view me as the idol, the product of a business, my wife and my daughter should not have to bear the same treatment. My lawsuits want to make that line clear. We can discuss the morality and what an idol owes the fan if the situation involves only me, but there are no discussions when I say my wife and daughter does not owe anyone anything.”

Another round of camera flash resumed its blinding assault on his face. Backstage, you watched his open declaration with tears in your eyes.

“What do you plan to do with the penalty of the lawsuit?” another reporter asked.

“Most probably donate it. The money is not important here, it is the principle,” Jongdae shrugged.

“Did you talk to your members about this decision?”

“Yes. I’ve talked a lot with my members and the managers before making my decision. I understand the consequences it may bring me, that’s why I want to stress that any should there be any negative consequences, those should be mine alone to bear. The activities of EXO and the other members should not have to suffer because of my decision,” the Jongdae replied decisively but not unkindly. His voice is soft, as it is always were when he speaks, however it did not waver.

“One final question; do you worry about the future, things like how your fans will perceive you, even your possible future in EXO given SM’s statement of putting you in probation?” another voice asked, this time possible directly in front of Jongdae.

Jongdae began softly with his answer.

“I think if I say I am not worried, that would be a lie. I love singing, and I love being in EXO. I also do not want our fans to think that with me doing this, I am turning my back on them or that I do not love them. They are precious to me; like a close friend that I want to make proud. I am only taking action against people who would dare hurt my wife and my daughter. What I hope that everyone in this room and everyone who will watch understands that…,” Jongdae replied slowly after much thought.

At that instant, Jongdae looked up determinedly at the camera. From behind the stage watching the live feed, you felt your heart skip beats and you fell in love with Kim Jongdae all over again.

“I love my family more than anything in this world and I will not regret any sacrifice if it means they are safe and happy”

--

7 years later, the three of you sat huddled on Hyejin’s bed, with your phone the only source of light illuminating the darkness of her room. It was that video of him in the press conference that you started with and it was the same video that you ended your story. The Jongdae 7 years younger – frozen in time in your phone – continued to stare back at Hyejin in apt determination after his fierce declaration and you watched as Hyejin looked up between you and her father beside her, her eyes tearing up more as she starts to register the magnitude of her father’s sacrifice.

“Then… what happened after that?” your daughter asked quietly, almost scared.

“Well… your father was right. It’s the negative ones that are the loudest. They threw temper tantrums, we see some boycotts, we see some burning their albums and we see some nasty pictures, articles and comments on the Internet. But on the whole, people started discussing over your father’s statements. And they realize that he is right. You are just a baby, you do not owe anyone anything. Your other uncles also spoke out soon after that in support of your father, how he is vital to them as EXO, so his termination will not be tolerated, but also that it is incredibly human of him to do what he did and there’s nothing wrong with that,” you explained.

“People started discussing about the sasaeng culture and how it strains other fans’ interaction with their idols. We see more discussion over whether idols can speak up and we see people applauding your father for doing so. And after that, people realize that EXO still have fans staying with them, fans who genuinely just wants to be happy with EXO and wants EXO to be happy. Those are the ones that you like it when they see you and say hi to you. Soon, his public image improved. And, he gets to stay and gets to sing again – soon after that, he gets to add a solo career on top of everything. Seems like good luck but it took close to a year of being uncertain.”

You stroke Hyejin’s hair.

“You see, sweetheart… when your father decided that day to announce you to the world, it took a lot of courage. He did it at a time where it was blasphemous to do so. But he did so, because he doesn’t want you to grow up being separate from him. He doesn’t want to pretend like he doesn’t know you in public and can only show his love in private.

“Then, you see whenever your father and your uncles travel. It’s a horde of reporters and fans that surround them. We know his life as an idol is anything but normal, yet he still only ever wanted to give you what any normal father wants to give his daughter; a safe and happy childhood. You get to openly be proud that your father is the amazing EXO’s Chen, while at the same time getting to have a normal childhood like anyone else without cameras following you. You get to have the best of both worlds, because 7 years ago, when your father first held you, he has long decided that he won’t regret any sacrifices he makes if that meant you get to be happy.”

You watch as Hyejin turned to her father, teary-eyed and trembling.

At some point, you think what shook her most was not your stories of the past, but what happened in the present. It’s not the re-telling of what she went through as a baby that shocked her, you think it’s the fact that she – not an hour ago – thought that her father prefers his fans over her, and to know how wrong she was. To realize how much her father tried for her.

“Of all the things in this world, he loves you the most.”

Suddenly, Hyejin tackled her father down in a burst of tears, landing face first into Jongdae’s chest as she wailed.

“I-I’m s-sorry, appa! I-I didn’t mean to… That must’ve sucked when you heard me, I’m so-so sorry!” Hyejin whined and cried into Jongdae’s chest. Jongdae chuckled, but you hear the waver in his voice.

“It’s okay, princess. That’s alright,” he soothed as Hyejin kept crying.

“I-I don’t hate you, appa. I’m sorry that I-I thought…I thought…”

“It’s alright, there there. It’s alright. Shh…” Jongdae stroked her head, rocking his daughter back and forth to sleep, in between placing soft kisses on her head and murmuring soft reassurances that everything is okay and that he is here.

Over her head, his eyes meet yours and the clear film of tears has long broken and were streaming down his face, but he gives you a watery smile. One that looked relieved and thankful. You leaned your head against his shoulder, felt one of his hands find yours and his kiss on the crown of your head.

As you look up to him and on towards your daughter snuggling closer to her father, you were almost taken aback with how much she has grown and how much she grows to look more and more like Jongdae as each day passes. You know this won’t be the last time she will have to face this; getting questioned on her father’s absences, on her father’s job, on her father. You both know this will come again as she grows up.

But she’ll grow up knowing that it is not true if anyone says her father loves her any less. And you know she’ll try. Try to be strong, try to compromise, try to be resolute. Because she is Jongdae’s daughter, and just as he is strong and brave and tries hard day after day for his family, Hyejin is strong and brave too, and you hope she will try hard for her father too. You hope you can try hard for the both of them too.

Because you saw how deeply Jongdae loves; saw him love his parents, his friends, his job and his fans. And it’s not the outward declaration of love to the rooftops nor is it the grand presents. It’s him constantly worrying and helping them, and constantly wanting to make them happy. Constantly trying for them.