#killytalks

I have written things. I just haven't written anything that feels like it truly fits any of my fic projects. The paralysis of not knowing where to start, of being scared to start work on any of these three, of feeling like time is limited so I need to create something that can be shared in that time I've got while ultimately not creating anything of note... It's an ongoing struggle. The feeling of having written a "wrong" version of a story before and wanting its rewrite to be better. The feeling of wanting to do right by another story, or wanting to grasp a character that eludes me even when their canon voice is clear as day. The perfectionism that's on spincycle, really, and is louder than the little spark in the back of my head that says I'll do just fine.

I was thinking earlier about how so much of that feels like it is something I keep measuring: how much did I write, how much did I create, how much did I do what seems like a waste of time, how much did I give back, how much did I start but not finish... There is an ongoing repetitive cycle that says that I am not quite meeting my own skyhigh expectations while also being aware that I would not expect anyone else to meet those. And rather than calling it creative burnout, I think I might just dub it perfectionist burnout.

To work on whatever bubbles up, even if it's not what I think I'm "supposed to be" working on;

To accept that sometimes the muse offers ideas and that I can't devote all my energy to fighting them (so if the OT4 happens at some point it just happens, okay);

To stay aware of what I devote my energy to and to not feel bad if I can't always devote that energy to being fandom social;

To make less gifsets (sorry!) and spend more time writing, because I love writing far more than giffing and this year's shaping up to not be a both kinda year;

To make more of a conscious effort to put my money where my mouth is and follow through on actually reading/commenting rather than just saying I'm gonna do it;

To keep giving time to fandom friends and support them in their creative pursuits!